The Top 19 Ways to Get More People to Watch the Womens World Cup

by Spence Blazak

Yeah, America is in the final, goalie Hope Solo is the hottest mom since circa 1955 Mrs. McFly in Back to the Future, and a Point Pleasantite is on the team, yet no one seems to really be involved in this year’s Womens World Cup. For years, I have been trying to further my candidacy for El Presidente of the Womens FIFA, and in the next few paragraphs, my ballsy innovations will show why I’m the man for the job. It seems to me like this Sunday’s soccer final needs........A KICK! Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be signing autographs out back.

19. The opening montage is narrated by Neal Patrick Harris and shows the players as the Smurfs. It worked for the All Star Game with Captain America clips, and by gum it’ll work for this!

18. The soccer ball is painted a funny color. Like mauve.

17. Barack Obama’s dog (Bo Obama) throws out the first pitch.....they have that in soccer, right?

16. The inevitable streaker around the 23’ minute is swarmed by a large group of barn owls.....then carried away to Azkaban.

15. A half time show featuring Taylor Swift and the ghost of Johnny Cash.....playing nothing but deep cuts. The crowd will go wild at the mash up of Tied Together with a Smile and The Ballad of Drunken Ira Hayes.

14. Every spectator is given a vuvezuala, a fifth of Southern Comfort, and a loaded flare gun.

13. Hope Solo legally changes her first name to Han, and there is a live feed of her beautiful , dimpled face in the bottom-right corner of the screen.

12. A celebrity joust at halftime between the two Afleck brothers

11. Whenever nothing happens for an extended stretch of time, the game feed automatically cuts to funny Rick Moranis clips from Ghostbusters 2

10. A life size Optimus Prime drops off the Japanese team, and a 90 foot tall Dr. House robot drops off the US team. The two robots then fight to the death in outer space.

9. The players’ Gatorade coolers are filled with my own concoction, dubbed the “Commissioner Blazak.” A mixture of Four Loko, cough syrup, and crack cocaine.

8. Instead of pointless commentating, 90’s one hit wonders play the entire time.

7. Just in case we can’t get the rights to the discography of Right Said Fred, Milli Vanilli, The Spin Doctors, and The Crash Test Dummies, Will Ferrel commentates doing his Harry Carey impression. “Do you know what time it is?......RED CARD O’CLOCK”

6. Fireworks... THE WHOLE TIME

5. A toothless snow leopard is released onto the field during the 48’ minute (3 minutes after halftime so that everyone lets their guard down, then BOOM....leopard), and it is then subdued by the mascot

4. The game is refereed by the cast of Cheers....and Professor Severus Snape

3. Also fix the economy by letting everything be advertised by woman things. The entire field is covered in a poster for “Franklin & Bash,” the nets are sponsored by Appletini, Hope Solo has a Good House Keeping helps achieve a woman’s GOOOOOOALS sign on her back, Tampax will pop up somewhere. TELL ME WHEN TO STOP! Also....all profits taken by the country with the largest anti-perspirent industry (U!S!A!U!S!A!).

2. The game starts off with the Monday Night Football guy making up a song for the event, with the following lyrics:

YEEEEEEEEEEEAH

Its football niiiiiight in Dresdeeeeen-town

We bombed them in WWII, but now that frown is UP-SIDE-DOWN

Japan has Yukari Kinga, who shoots like a kamikazee

(spoken as he lowers glasses and looks at camera) and legs that make everyone scream ASI-ASI-ASI

America is also here to bring home that cup

They got way hotter players, whaddup?!

You’ll be living on the edge of your seat

Now grab some Four Loko AND GET READY FOR A TREEEEEEEEEEAT! YEAH! FOOOOOOBALLLLLLLLLLLL!

1. The matchup between America vs. Japan is affectionately dubbed “WWII: PART II.”

Pixar's Best & Worst Part 2: The Best

by Spence Blazak & Brian Long

Now we come to the question of what is the BEST Pixar film, which makes Sophie’s Choice look like picking out a pair of socks in the morning.

Brian: So now we continue to debate which of us is a big dumb, dumb head with our determination of what is the BEST Pixar film. For me it’s Wall-E. The film is an amazing science fiction piece and a brilliant satire. Let's start with the opening; the first half hour of this film is practically a silent movie with a trash disposal robot filling in for Chaplin or Keaton's shoes. The physical comedy is well choreographed and makes us believe that this little metal box could have a soul. Spence, what's your favorite?

Spence: This is tough. This end of the spectrum is a very different scenario considering there are so many perfect Pixar endeavors with Wall-E included. I'd say it is between the Toy Story trilogy (more specifically the third), Monster's Inc, Wall-E, and Up. To narrow it down a little further, I won't pick Wall-E because I don't want to give you the satisfaction of agreement and I’ll say Toy Story 3 is the best of the series. I could easily defend any of them, but for the best I'll go with Toy Story 3.

Brian: Explain why...using examples from this room.

Spence: Toy Story 3 would be a great movie without the existence of its predecessors, but with them, it ascends into movie nirvana. It cements its place in cinema history as one of the only series (along with the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings films) to have a magnificent work for every installment. Toy Story is the setup. It showed the humanity of inanimate objects and that character dynamics aren't restricted to live action. Buzz and Woody are just as well developed and interesting as Geoffrey Rush's character in Shine. In Toy Story 2, it is a whole other ball game. The newly found friendship of Buzz and Woody found in the second half of Toy Story has now been around for a few years. All is right in the world. Until Woody is debilitated by an existential crisis.

The depth of Woody in the first film is like the ocean. And then in the second film, there is a sudden mile drop that makes the character even deeper. When he gets that small tear in his arm and is left home by Andy, we see through Woody a toy's peculiar take on mortality. The kids are the only thing that really make them alive, and without their kid, they might as well be dead. The thought of never being played with by an Andy who is moving on haunts him. By getting kidnapped by the Al's Toy Barn chicken, Woody finds a way to cheat "death". By joining the Woody doll museum collection, he'll be appreciated forever. At the end he realizes that forever having mild appreciation is no substitute for a few more years with Andy.

The second movie's main purpose is to give Woody's character setup for the third one, the masterwork. It all builds up for this. It’s years later. Andy is in the last week of his childhood. The toys haven’t been played with for years. Andy is apathetic. Yet Woody hasn't given up. He still has hope. Hope that doesn’t quite make sense. In The Shawshank Redemption, Red says "hope can be a dangerous thing," and it breaks the audience's heart to see him like this. Yearning for something he can never get back. He is like the man who hasn't moved on from an ex-girlfriend even though she now has a husband and 5 children. He still hopes it will work out. That first scene alone has some of the most beautiful images Pixar has ever animated. When Woody calls Andy to bring him back to the toy box in a last ditch effort, his phone connects with Andy. Woody yearns more than anything to say anything, just a word to him. It kills him that he can’t.

The movie hurts. It’s awful to watch Woody be in this denial, yet you can’t look away. Then when he is taken to the little girl's house, he starts to come to the realization that he is being selfish. Andy doesn't need him anymore. His purpose in life is to make a child happy. He finished his mission with Andy, and now it’s time for him to move on. And move on he does.

And I don’t think there are many things on film that are as beautiful as that last scene. Andy has one last playtime with his toys. Watching Andy's apathetic demeanor fade away as he remembers everything about the toys is beyond words. He goes through the toys one by one, handing them all over to the little girl. Then he gets to Woody. His final monologue. His hesitation. That’s why movies were invented. That’s why I love movies. That’s why it is the best Pixar movie.

Brian: It's difficult for me to disagree because I wept like an infant who's jonesing for milk at the end of Toy Story 3. However, we are looking for the best movie that stands alone. The trilogy is amazing, and I would put it up there with the best trilogies that cinema has to offer. HOWEVER, if we're talking stand-alone movie Wall-E has an incredible universal message about life that is incredibly powerful. We have a lone robot forced into a life of labor, but yearns for something more, something greater than himself. When Eve arrives on Earth, she too is a robot on a search for something greater than herself: a way to restore a whole planet. As I said earlier, the first half of the film is a silent comedy, while the second half becomes a Vonnegut-esque satire.

When we see the human race for the first time, we see a future that doesn't seem like a simple work of fiction. Humanity has literally become stagnant. They sit in technologically advanced chairs that transport them from place to place. Place to place being whatever stores they need to stop at on their luxury space station. Humanity now lives a material existence of corporate sponsorship. When Wall-E arrives, he unintentionally awakens the space station's residents, both human and otherwise, from their digital comas and helps them to realize the beauty of the world around them. One lone idealist leads a revolution against the technology that is enslaving the shipmates. Wall-E shows us that technology can make us grow or can hinder us beyond a point of saving, but ultimately the choice lies with us. All of this wrapped up in a story about a love-sick robot. There's literally something in this film for everyone. And while Toy Story is incredible, I feel it lacks that universal message for someone of any age.

Spence: Wall-e is great. It’s a very good satire, creates a lovable character out of a hunk of metal that says 3 words, and does a phenomenal job at making a simple yet complex work. BUT toy story is the crème-de-la crème. It’s like picking the best basketball player of all time. Wall-e is like Carmello Anthony. No. Not Lebron. Wall-e isn’t a Benedict Judas. Anyway, phenomenal player; he’s an animal in college and put Syracuse on his back to win the National Championship. As a pro, ya know same player...he just isn’t Michael Jordan (Toy Story 3). It’s nothing against Carmello (he still has a candy bar named after him which is so delicious that there must be Oompa Loompa in it) that he isnt MJ, but there can only be one His Airness. It’s a fact of life. They are both great, but Toy Story 3 is just....better.

Brian: I question if Toy Story 3 would have the same emotional impact for someone who has never seen the original first two films in the trilogy. Someone who didn’t grow up with the films, watching them every day and playing with their own Buzz Lightyear and Woody dolls probably would not feel that same emotional response. Wall-E is a film about having the bravery to think for yourself and to create the best world possible for the people and living things that are there now and will be in the future. And what helps us to get there? As Wall-E helps us to see, it’s simply love.

Spence: You don't need the first two Toy Story's to see that the third is a commentary on life's meaning and a new take on the age old story of dealing with moving on.Woody tries to come to terms with the fact that what he thought was his life's purpose has changed, and it follows him trying to find himself. And the power of love[1] is at the center of both works. Wall-e loves the world. he tries to help the world by making it a better place even though it’s a seemingly fruitless endeavor. Then when he meets Eve, his priorities change and he has an innocent love for her that he follows into outer space. Yeah... integrity. But no real reason for him to love Eve. I take that back. HE’S DESPERATE. HE HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING ELSE ALIVE ASIDE FROM THE COCKROACH AND GOD KNOWS THAT THING WONT PUT OUT!

In Toy Story 3, you know why Woody and Buzz love each other and Andy. They need each other to survive, and they thrive on the mere presence of one another. It has depth and background. God, I'm tired. I just like Toy Story 3 better…your debates ARE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

Brian: If I can just suck a little more life out of you throughout each debate then I’ll be a happy man.

Think we’re wrong? Tell us what you think is the best Pixar film in the comments below.

________________________________________________________

[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NMph943tsw

The Top 41 Funniest Degrassi Moments

By Spence Blazak with help from Peter Long and Brian Long

I know what you’re thinking. “Spence, why the hell do you watch Degrassi? Why don’t you go volunteer....or go make some friends?” I’ll tell you. It is the best awful TV show ever filmed. Anyone who has ever had a conversation with me knows my obsession with “Schlock Value,” as Richard Roeper calls it. I am fascinated by the unintentionally funny, and the show that takes place in a school on the sunny beaches of Canada is the grandaddy of all things Schlocky. With the new season of Degrassi quickly approaching (July 18th), the writers at Wookie Wednesday have decided to put our heads together to countdown our all-time favorite funny moments. And if you don’t watch Degrassi, I think you’ll enjoy the list even more.

41. Everyone going to Yale/Stanford -100% Degrassi acceptance rate

40. “Always on my mind” by The Three Tenners -Dave made a rap group with Wes and the autisitc kid. This was their hit single. It had jazz flute. It had cheesy synthesizer drums. It had an autotuned Dave. I spent the entirety of last summer trying to get this as my ringtone. I can’t do the song justice with description so all you can do is pray that one day it comes onto the “Canadian Rap” XM radio chanel.

39. Frumpy (our nickname for Claire) sticking tongue out in the opening credits.

38. Natasha Bedingfield performing at prom

37. Liberty getting into a sorority because she's "black"

36. The Jane face -a cross between Jack Nicholson’s Joker and Kermit the Frog

35. The female attorney named....Toni Starke

34. The writers needing to have a token black guy...and have Emma hook up with him.

33. “High school is tough. Things like Algebra can be confusing. Heck. LIFE can be

confusing.” -The episode that is a PSA for transgender people.....

32. Toby pooping his way onto the wrestling team-Exactly what it sounds like, sadly.

31. Emma looking like a fetal pig in early seasons

30. Riley’s strong resemblance to Shrek

29. Eli’s secret in his room -He has a padlocked door to his room. No one knows what’s in it, but the writer’s keep inferring it is the body of his ex-girlfriend. Frumpy breaks in and sees his wicked secret: HE IS A HOARDER!!!!!

28. Sav’s song for Enya -I swear. This comes up waaaay too often. I guess the guy who wrote it for the show was so proud of it that he frequently holds a gun to the director’s head and says, “I think this episode needs some more of the Enya song....DONT YOU?!”

27. Billy Ray Cyrus as a limo driver -Also, he wore a tuxedo t-shirt to show that he was keeping it formal....but he was still there to party.

26. The fact that they got Jay and Silent Bob to do an episode

25. Craig on coke

24. Peter Stone on coke

23. Jenna pooping herself -She was on the top of the pyramid at cheerleading practice, and her diet pills didn’t agree with her. The rest is history.

22. “Chuck Palihaniuk’s characters are as dark and twisted as his prose!!!!”-Eli-My only explanation for this absurdity is that an underling writer was told “We need to make an allusion to that Fight Club guy. Anybody know anything about him? uh.....google Chuck Paliwhatever and hit the ‘I’m feeling lucky’ button. Dark prose? Characters? Works for me!”

21. Drew looking like beloved Red Sox centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury

20. “You know whats great? Making out”-A drunken Toby to JT.....moments before JT gets stabbed and dies.

19. The pot brownie episode that somehow turned into a PSA on how weed could kill someone.

18. Fiona looking like the evil Taylor Swift in the “You Belong with Me” music video

17. (3 way tie) JT trying to figure out how to use a penis pump/ JT getting laid/ JT having a child

16. Connor almost being abducted by a fat woman -Conor is autistic and looks like a cross between Cookie on Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide and that Muppet Sam the Eagle. He meets a girl on World of Warcraft. Turns out she looks like an Orucai from the Lord of the Rings, is 45, and tries to steal him.

15. “Excuse me, Principal......what is ‘sexting’?”-Mr. Bendarhi -More famous for his role as the Fiber One guy. Imagine this quote in the thick Indian accent of the game show host from Slumdog Millionaire.

14. Peter Long meeting Sean-This is the stuff of legend. Our friend/sibling Peter Long was once on the NYC subway. Standing room only. He turns his head to the right, drawn by some other worldly sixth sense. There he is. Sean from Degrassi. They had a 45-second conversation. He was a nice guy. The greatest moment of his young life.

13. A pita maker burning down the Dot

12. Holly J’s fat Asian boss at Little Miss Steaks -What about this sentence isn’t funny? And yes, he has a moustache AND a tightly fitting cowboy hat.

11. The commercial where Declan thought he raped Holly J -It didn’t really happen, but in the commercial for the episode, they blew it so much out of proportion that Peter Long had to help me pick my jaw up from off the ground. Things turned black and white, and I’m pretty sure Declan was in a momentary slow motion at some point. “What do you mean? Of course it was consensual..............wait...............define consensual........” Rediculous.

10. “I think you have ‘roid rage, man....I googled it!”-Peter Stone

9. Dave tazering Wes....then getting tickled -Dave stole a tazer from his dad’s police car to impress the cool kids. Then, he tazered Wes to look even cooler. This was pretty funny, but not as good as when Dave found out he could only earn Wes’s forgiveness by letting himself be tazed. Dave shuts his eyes and braces himself for the tazing.....then Wes just tickles him in a scene that ranks between the volleyball scene in Top Gun and the training scene with Apollo Creed in Rocky III on the list of “least masculine things ever filmed.”

8. The province of Regina sounding ALOT like vagina -Oh Canada!

7. The first episode I ever watched. -Craig was high on crack and was attending the gay wedding of his girlfriend’s dad. He fell on all of the presents and broke a table. The moment where I lost my Degrassi cherry was everything I could have dreamed.

6. Shontay’s last name being “Black”-Degrassi finally gets a token black character with Shontay. She is sassy, stereotypical, and an all out racist portrayal. It gets worse. She does something that requires her first and last name to be put on a poster, the camera zooms into her name, and her last name....”Black”. The writers were working over time on that one.

5. Marco’s dream man turning out to be a male prostitute for a politician

4. Twincest -The sexual tension between twins Declan and Fiona finally erupts in a drunken kiss. Yet the funniest part is when the newspaper tabloids post a picture of it with the headline “Twincest.” Brian Long had been calling this moment for two seasons. This was the greatest moment of his young life.

3. The dildo episode -I can’t do this justice, but one of my favorite moments was when Frumpy’s purse starts vibrating in class, and the teacher thinks its her phone. He reaches in, pulls it out, and had a reaction shot that was the background on my phone for a month.

2. The zoom in shot on a young Holly J’s To Do list: Get purple scrunchies Learn new cheer LOSE VIRGINITY

1. Creepy Coach -Hands down the best moment in the show’s history. Okay here we go. KC is a tall, sad Justin Bieber (in the words of Peter Long). He decides to play basketball. He sucks, but soon the cool new coach helps him get better. He becomes the team’s star. The night before the championship game, KC tries to get laid. The loving coach says he can use his hotel room. KC and his wench go to the room....BUT THE COACH COMES IN. The dame runs away, leaving KC with the coach. Coach opens some beer, takes his shirt off, calls a 45-year old prostitiute, then orders porn. THIS IS REAL. The next day, KC tells the coach he is worried about the game. The coach responds by saying “whenever I’m worried, I like to remind myself I’m in control,” he then gives KC A GUN FROM THE GLOVE BOX. One of the things that increased my funniness factor was that the coach was a direct look alike to my Bulgarian boss at the time. Truly The Shawshank Redemption of Degrassi episodes.

The Final Verdict: the Blur and Oasis “Rivalry” (with help from the 50 point-scale)

by Peter Long

We as a society are infatuated with rivalries. We like the concept of competition, we love the idea of one person winning and the other losing, and we would even make sweet love with the sight of two alpha-males kicking the crap out of each other to a bloody pulp if it was possible.

The absurdity of the human race’s love affair with rivalries is best displayed with the “rivalry” between Brit-pop titans Blur and Oasis. Now notice how I put quotations around “rivalry.” I did this because in reality the two groups weren’t ever truly rivals. When people think of rivalries they think Lakers and Celtics or Jerry and Newman because the two parties show a general or strong disliking for one another. Both bands during their primes in the mid-nineties commended each other’s music and were even seen HANGING OUT together.

In fact, it has been well-documented that this was all simply a big marketing scheme for the New Musical Express (NME) to sell more papers. The editors of the NME placed Albarn and brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher on a pedestal as torch-holders of British

rock music and yet portrayed them as bitter counterparts. The paper even went as far as paying off Blur’s management (Albarn refuses to speak about the shady transaction to this day) to release the single off their next album The Great Escape the same week and day as Oasis’ single “Roll With It” off What’s the Story (Morning Glory?). In the end, the NME got what they wanted. They sold papers, and people ate their shit up.

So realistically, this was once again a part of the human race’s infatuation with rivalries. Blur and Oasis were just two bands making the best music they could during one of the greatest artistic renaissances in the United Kingdom’s history.

So does this mean we can’t argue about who had the biggest cultural impact and altogether who the better band was? Heck no! I think it’s about time we peel away all of the garbage and hoopla that has been made of this “rivalry” and finally decide who was the better group, Blur or Oasis.

I decided to break it up into five categories based on a 50 point-scale (a scale that is scientifically proven to determine greatness). 20 points for overall legacy, 12 for body of work (albums), 10 for musicianship (for example, if you’re a guitar player in a group, you will be based on a scale of Fred Durst to Jack White), five for live performance and three points goes to the group who benefitted most from the “rivalry.”

Benefaction from the “Rivalry”: I truly don’t believe that the Gallagher brothers would be the Gallagher brothers that we know and love today if it wasn’t for the “rivalry.” The British tabloids exploited and reported every little thing that the brothers did, hence making them complete socio-paths in the process. Their music didn’t benefit from the rivalry, their debut Definitely Maybe was the fastest-selling debut in the history of British music well before the NME decided to spice things up, but their bad-boy image and their label as working-class heroes did benefit. Oasis 3 Blur 0.

Live Performance: After watching numerous hours of Oasis and Blur live performances for this feature, I have come to the conclusion that Blur is the better live band. They play around with dynamics, they have a personal connection with their audience and they seem to simply have more fun than Oasis. Blur also aren’t ashamed to add backup singers, horns and even strings to their live show. In the meantime, Oasis just plugs in, turns it up to 11, play their 17 or so songs and leave (along with Liam yelling stuff at the audience that is A. offensive and B. incomprehensible to even understand its offensiveness in the first place). And I’m not even touching the fact that Liam’s voice has (ehm) plateaued over the past few years. Just watch Blur’s 2009 reunion concert at London’s Hyde Park and tell me that that isn’t better than any other Oasis show. Ever. Blur 5 Oasis 3.

Musicianship: I will say this, out of both bands, Noel Gallagher is the best songwriter. His depictions of his working-class upbringing in Manchester are vivid and can be translated to anyone’s background regardless of race or origin. BUT, if I had to choose between Gallagher or Blur guitarist Graham Coxon, I’d go with Coxon. Coxon transposed Damon Albarn’s simple chord progressions into songs that blended funk, dance and punk. The superb and underrated rhythm section comprised of bass player Alex James and Dave Rowntree rounded out Blur while Oasis dealt with a mediocre carousel of drummers which included Tony McCarroll, Alan White and for a brief period of time Ringo Starr’s son Zak Starkey. While the musicians of Oasis seemed to fit for the music, the better musicians were the guys from Blur. Blur 15 Oasis 3.

Body of Work: I’m going to make this short and sweet. If you want to get into Oasis, purchase Definitely Maybe and their follow up What’s the Story (Morning Glory?) or the greatest hits compilation Time Flies. That’s it. Be Here Now was a good try but everything after that is simply mediocre. Blur on the other hand released two solid albums back-to-back in Leisure and Modern Life is Rubbish. But then in 1994, three months before Oasis released Definitely Maybe, Blur released Parklife, an album which swept the Brit Awards (the UK’s Grammys but with an open bar) that year and spearheaded the Brit-pop movement. They then followed with classic albums The Great Escape and Blur, cementing their place as one of the greatest rock bands in the history of British music. By the time their self-titled album came out in 1997, Oasis had ended the disastrous Be Here Now tour and three years prior to releasing their abysmal Standing on the Shoulders of Giants. In the end, Blur’s catalogue is a lot more vast and accessible. Blur 27 Oasis 3.

Lasting Legacy: The only way to describe the lasting legacy of Oasis is to quote British rock-journalist John Harris. After quoting the lyric “is it worth the aggravation to find yourself a job when there’s nothing worth working for?” from the song “Cigarettes and Alcohol,” he went on to say that “it’s words like that that make 100,000 people jump up and down, because he’s singing about you.” Oasis isn’t a perfect band. They’ve done drugs, they’ve been in fights, they may not be the best musicians, but when it came down to connecting with their audience, Oasis did it better than anyone else. Hence, their legacy is greater than Blur’s and perhaps even more greater than any other band in British history. Blur 27 Oasis 23.

There you have it, Blur turned out to be the better band (because the 50 point-scale never lies). And yet there will always be those what-ifs. Like what if Liam and Noel had stayed off the smack and made a decent if not better Be Here Now album. Would they wind up conquering America like they were supposed to? What if “Song 2” wasn’t played in every hockey arena and baseball game, would Blur still be more relevant than Oasis today? Would this rivalry not take place if the NME hadn’t established class-warfare between the middle-class London pretty-boys and the working-class fighters from Manchester? I don’t know, the 50 point-scale isn’t that mind-blowing, but the musical landscape (in Britain especially) would be completely changed and altered for the Blur and Oasis “rivalry.” And as long as there are rock bands and British tabloids to hyperbolize it, there will be silly rivalries. Next week, the final verdict between Supergrass and Coldplay…

Pixar's Best And Worst Part 1: The Worst

With the release of Cars 2, Pixar finally proves that not all of its droppings are solid gold. The good news is, now we probably will actually pay attention to “Best Animated Picture” at the Oscars this year. Oh, who are we kidding, nobody cares. However, it gives us the chance to discuss the best and worst that these incredible minds have given the silver screen over the years. Spence and Brian go head-to-head to determine just what is the WORST Pixar movie ever made?

Brian: Alright, debate time. Let's start with worst:

The worst Pixar film would have to be Cars. Now, I haven't seen the sequel (and from what I hear, I'm missing a grrrreeeeaaaatttttt mmmmmooooooovvvvviiiiiiieeeeeee) so I can only consider the original to be the worst. I was most disappointed by this film because the previous Pixar films were such strong character driven films. Hell, the film that came before Cars was The Incredibles which still holds up as one of the studio's strongest outings.

What made those previous films great were unique characters and storylines that gave us a new perspective on the mundane world such as the class warfare of bugs, the existential mortality crisis of toys, and showing us the world from the point of view of the monsters in our closet. In Cars we get car puns...lots and lots of car puns. Oh, and Larry the Cable Guy.

Spence: Pixar is great because of their unexpected brillance. In the olden days, Pixar would always open up their latest movie with a trailer for their next movie. EVERY SINGLE ONE left me skeptical. Partly because I'm the kind of guy who looks at the glass half full....but half full of poison. And yet, every single time they would come out with a nearly perfect film. I think that’s what makes them so good, how I always expect the worst and get the best.

Brian: I expected the worst from the first time I saw the Cars promo. That close-up of Larry the Cable Guy's (I refuse to call the character by its actual name. It's just Larry the Cable Guy) stupid face shouting "DANG GUM" made me wake up in the middle of the night in a fop sweat. I also think the story is something that has been done to death. Guy is jerk. Guy learns from average Joes and becomes a not jerk.

Spence: Ya know, the message isn’t bad, what’s wrong with showing what to really appreciate in life? I’m trying here. Now as for Cars, it’s not very good, but I have to be Devil's advocate. After seeing Cars 2, it puts it into perspective. There are funny jokes (The gas station being called "Dinoco" is hilarious, I don't care who you are), Owen Wilson's voice is very funny, and.....it tries. Hard. Cars isn't bad. It just isn’t as good as its predecessors. Imagine the Manning Family. Archie is like Toy Story. Trailblazer who paved the way for future Manning quarterbacks. Peyton is Toy Story 2/ Monsters Inc. Number one overall at the draft, damn near perfect, won his Super Bowl, future hall of famer, but still has trouble getting a supporting cast on his team (his only major flaw). Imagine wide receiver Pierre Garcon's weekly dropped passes like.....Jesse in Toy Story 2. Not Peyton's fault, but it still counts as an incompletion. It’s really the only bad part of an otherwise perfect work. Eli is The Incredibles. Doesn't have the heart of those before him, but he was still a number one overall draft pick, has a statue at Ole Miss, and won the greatest Superbowl of all time (biased Giants fan). Cars is like that last Manning. I don’t even know its name. It’s young. It hasn’t won a Super Bowl. And it just isn’t the same as the rest of its family. I mean, I bet he is still a nice guy and will be a good lawyer or something but ya know.... he just isn’t Eli. This is Cars biggest problem. That it isn’t its older brothers.

Brian: First, Dinoco is a shout out to the gas station that Andy leaves Buzz and Woody at in the first Toy Story, so its strongest gag is just a reference to another (better) movie. I think it's deeper than "it's just not as good as its predecessors." And going back to the point I was making earlier, what makes their movies great is new perspectives of mundane things. Toy Story made me regret throwing out toys and A Bug's Life made me feel awful for ever stepping on an ant. Cars is like a Dreamwork's movie where the only reason they have for things talking that don't normally talk is because kids find that funny.

Spence: Yeah. It’s not great. But the story isn’t that simplistic. It gets at least a little credit. I can have at least a little respect for the homage to all of the towns and people left in the dust when Route 66 became obsolete. Pixar just tried to be too allegorical by hammering this story into a mold that would fit a large audience by making these citizens cars...

Alright. I'll level here. I don't particularly like Cars, but I don’t think its Pixar's worst which is the real question at hand here. If you want something one -dimensional with sophomorically juvenile "humor" and "jokes" that are beaten so far into the ground they become an unrecognizable pulp of their former selves by film's end. That’s right. Finding Nemo.

Brian: Oh boy. Everyone is mad at you right now. No one is on your side.

Spence: So basically, Finding Nemo is that kid in 3rd grade that had ADHD, didn’t have any interests except yelling the word "wiener", and wore the same moth eaten Jets shirt every day. They have convinced themselves that they are the class clown. Everyone hangs out with them and sort of likes them, only because subconsciously they feel bad. So they laugh at the repeated jokes (No. Not running jokes. Running jokes have a purpose.), constant whining, and lack of real friendship.

Think about it, people. What does Finding Nemo have? whats it ever given you? It’s like the nachos at Taco Bell. Worst thing on the menu, and it isn’t filling, but it’s still technically Taco Bell. Don’t be afraid to call out Finding Nemo for what it is...A TRAP. If you think Cars doesn't have depth, please look at Finding Nemo. Talking fish #1's wife and kids die. He becomes protective of the one left. It gets lost cuz he is overprotective. He looks for it, finds it, learns to let go. Legitimately nothing happens. Talking fish #1 just swims in a boring blue canvas for 2 hours with the occasional cut away to.....A FISH TANK! HOT DOG!

As for the humor specifically, it is generally what holds the Pixar films together and it is unbelievably weak AND sophomoric. Yes. I hate it that much that I used the word sophomoric several times already in my argument. Reason the comedy is horrible #1. There are several stupid fart jokes. Birds farting? ha. #2. The script is cat shit. It tries too hard to rely on the "the actors are funny, so whatever they say will be a laugh riot!" principle, but it only works with a few of the actors in the movie. Geoffrey Rush, Albert Brooks, and Willem Dafoe are work well with what they have BUT THERE ARE OVER 25 PEOPLE IN IT!!!! It is a sad day when the talent of Brad Garrett is squandered. And to finish out my argument: reason #3 Dory. Worse than Mater, Jessie, and the Great Chicago Fire. She only has 7 lines, and repeats them throughout the film in that obnoxiously irritating voice of her. Much like the broken Kermit the Frog Doll I had as a child who would yell at me in the middle of the night with a loud "HI HO." And she brings nothing to the table other than "awwww she is stupid, but she is innocent so talking fish #1 should feel bad he yelled at her for being annoying". This isn’t even coherent any more. I’m just being reminded of my hatred for this movie and Dory in general.

Brian: Nothing will ever be worse than Larry the Cable Guy, though I suppose Ellen Degeneres (sp?) is Mr. Cable Guy’s liberal left counterpoint. I would say that you're missing the forest for the trees here, Spence. There is a great story of how we can allow our responsibilities to take over our lives and sometimes we just need to let things happen. I wish there had been a kid’s movie like that when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't have been so terrified to die. The film is almost Zen-like in its life philosophy.

Spence: Of course it’s a good undertone, but it executes it awkwardly and unoriginally. Cars has a good moral too. Talking fish #1 doesn’t have any interesting character development. It’s just boring. He doesn’t trust anyone, he starts to trust Dory, she breaks his trust, he goes back to the way he was, he trusts her again, they meet a pelican, he starts letting Nemo go after they think he is dead. It’s cliché. They don’t do anything special with it. It’s just another story. They could have something to make it superb, but they ruined that by having Dory, a bad script, AND NOTHING REALLY HAPPENS. And really, Brian is it that funny? Yeah, yeah, yeah, the pelican is funny, the Albert brooks humor is good, the seagulls are funny the first time.....but really…is it that funny?

Brian: Clearly nothing will change your mind. And I'm sure those of you at home are thinking "if you're so great and handsome why don't you rewrite these movies?

My rewrite of Cars: None of the original characters are in it except for George Carlin's VW bus character who spends the entire movie having flashbacks from some "bad gas" he had back in the 60's. Psychedelic hijinks ensue.

Spence: Finding Nemo rewrite: The ocean explodes

Tune in next week as we argue which Pixar film is the best! BLOOD WILL BE SPILLED.

If Board Games are Movies for the Amish, then Apples to Apples is "Wall-e"! Am I right?!?!

by Spence Blazak

As you can probably guess, my favorite form of entertainment is movies. Second: music. Third: Watching that episode of The Office for the thousandth time where Michael holds the pizza boy hostage. Fourth: The website with pictures of cats who look like Hitler ....... and at a distant Forty-Third: Board Games. This is right behind Forty-Three: Listening to the junkyard cats outside my window who are dancing the “hibbitty dibbitty.” Since it is only a matter of time before we get our nation’s first Amish President who bans all electronics....and buttons or Klatu from The Day the Earth Stood Still makes the Earth stand still again, I figure its about time that I give board games a little more respect since they will soon be our only way to avoid the worst fate of all......*cue the WOOOOMP music from Inception* FORCED CONVERSATION.

I’ll start off by explaining my beefs with board games. Firstly, I never win. This is a problem. If something wants to keep me happy, they should throw me a bone every once in a while. Thats right. I’m talking to you Scrabble. AND your deformed cousin Bananagrams who your aunt Boggle keeps in the shed. Why do you insist on giving me nothing but Us every time? EVERY DAMN TIME! THERE ARE OTHER LETTERS! WHAT ABOUT “B”!!!!!!Alright, I’m okay now.

The other problem is that it fries my nerves. Every time I play Operation, I feel like a Vietnam vet after hearing a helicopter go by my house. Don’t even get me started on what happens after the noise goes off when I unsuccessfully pull out the Charlie Horse. Hold on.....*goes into bathroom, turns on fan, cries in the tub for 20 minutes*.....Okay I’m fine now.

Yet, there is one game to rule them all. One game that makes up for all of the fear that Jenga strikes into my fragile self. That game is Apples to Apples. The greatest game of all time. I have never played it without laughing until I cried. Not once. It contains all the funniest things board games can offer aside from Candyland’s best character name: Grandma Nut.

The game is played with two piles of cards: one red, one green. On the green card is an adjective and on the red card is a noun. Each round, an adjective is laid down and every player must lay down a noun they think will match the word. The judge chooses the best noun, and the winner gets the green card. The person with the most green cards at the end of the night gets bragging rights for a fortnight.

The game’s success lies primarily in the senselessness of both the nouns and of the people playing. I’ll explain. By tempting us with noun cards like “The JFK assassination” while the adjective “Sensual” is in play, the game dooms itself to a reputation of politically incorrect brilliance. (In a game last night, the “Princess Di” card was played for the adjective “Busty.” All other combinations will now be judged by that standard.)The game has one flaw though: the fact that I’m not allowed to make up my own cards to go along with the already brilliant ones there. Here are a few of my favorites and a few suggestions, remember, the more insensitive the better!

Top 10 Red cards already in existence

10. KKK/AIDS (tie)

9. Wheat/My High School Prom (tie)

8. Going to the Dentist

7. Hiroshima-1945

6. My Past

5. Helen Keller

4. Princess Di

3. Hitler

2. Anne Frank

1. My Ex-Wife

Top 10 Red Cards added on for the Spence edition

10. Taylor Swift/ Liam Gallagher (tie)

9. Alanis Morisette’s Greatest Hits

8. My Friday Night

7. Erotic cakes

6. The Clap (STD or hit song by The Wiggles)

5. Pepsi Blue

4. Ike Turner

3. A White Panel Van

2. The O.J. Simpson Trial

1. That’s So Raven

If you’ve never played the game before and are having a hard time laughing at these, imagine the element of surprise when the adjective is “Lusty” and the noun “Anne Frank” pops up. You’ll laugh harder than that one time you laughed REALLY hard. Yeah, you know that time...So basically, Apples to Apples is the Alpha and the Omega of board games. Feel free to argue this with me. I’ll win. Mainly because I’m the judge of who wins. And I’m quite biased.