The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Review

By Spence Blazak

I knew it was coming. I read up to the part where it happened in the book. I saw the Swedish version of the movie. Wookiee Wednesday statistician Dave Piccolella warned me. And yet once it happened, my head was put into a French press coffee maker. The rape scene. Oh my god.

Very few movie watching experiences have made me physically distraught. In fact I think I can name all three:

1. The Passion of the Christ: Jesus getting poked with a spear

2. The Human Centipede 2: That dude getting his teeth knocked out with a hammer

3. Spiderman 3: The jazz club dance scene

Now a new addition has been placed on the odd list. Twisted as it may be, there is a certain art to crafting a scene that causes this reaction from an audience, as well as taking it so far that there is a risk the movie will be boycotted. This pretty much encapsulates the experience you get while watching The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. In your face, pushing the limits, and as disturbing as it is really good.

Directed by David Fincher of The Social Network and Fight Club fame, Dragon Tattoo is mostly drawn from the vein of his neo noir mystery Se7en. Many journalists in the watchdog media criticized this movie before a single frame of it was shot because it was a remake of a movie that had come out in just 2009, but having seen both versions, it is clear that Fincher made the movie his own, adapting from the book instead of the other movie…..and Fincher's version is just way better.

Barbaric and brutish, yet ethical and moral, Dragon Tattoo follows journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) in the months following his conviction in a case of libel involving one of his articles about a financial wrongdoer in the business world. After taking a leave of absence from his position at his magazine, Blomkvist is lured into a new case by former business tycoon Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer). The case is to figure out which member of the wicked Vanger family murdered Henrik's beloved great-niece 40 years ago. With help from the master hacking and tracking skills of the Aspergers afflicted goth Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara), Blomkvist goes down the Vanger family rabbit hole.

Most mystery stories fall into two categories: they suck, or they are as predictable as a Scooby Doo! episode. Think about it…okay. See what I mean? Keeping this in mind, the achievement of Dragon Tattoo is that much greater. Nazis, evil rapists getting what is coming to them, justice being served in a way that isn't heavy handed, peril, motorcycle chases, Professor Gerald Lambeau from Good WIll Hunting, a depiction of feminism that doesn't force an eye roll, and one of the only necessary series of topless scenes ever put on film (honestly, this is the only one i can think of…).

As far as the performances, Daniel Craig does the unthinkable with his acting: he made me forget about Cowboys and Aliens. His depiction of Blomkvist is exquisite because he understands it is an understated part that plays second fiddle to Salander and he also doesn't just do a replication of James Bond. Yeah…he still bangs everything with a pulse, but he doesn't have that same kind of Ryan Goesling swag. He is more realistic and vulnerable.

The side line performers accomplish what their part requires of them, filling out the cracks nicely, but the focal point of the film is the titular Girl herself. You may recognize Rooney Mara as Mark Zuckerberg's girlfriend in The Social Network, and she makes a complete 180 degree turn in a performance that couldn't be more worthy of an Oscar statue. She loses herself in the part of Salander in the same way that Heath Ledger did as the Joker. Detached yet sympathetic, the performance is done on a tight rope, walking fine lines with every emotion conveyed.

While geared towards a somewhat specific type of audience, Dragon Tattoo is one of the year's most rewarding films. If Along Came a Spider is a two star offering and The Silence of the Lambs is a four star one, then I will gladly give The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo 3-and-a-half stars.

War Horse: Review

By Spence Blazak

Stephen Spielberg, the closest thing America has to royalty in the realm of entertainment, released two new movies this week. Im assuming this was to make up for the depressing piece of awful that was Indiana Jones 4. One of those movies is War Horse, based on the play that is Broadway's hottest non-Book of Mormon/Wicked ticket. War Horse is as old fashioned as it gets: boy gets horse, boy loses horse, horse becomes main character of the movie! Between cinematography that makes an Ansel Adams photograph look like a picture of the back of my head, a horse so lovable that it makes Lassie look like an evil ex-girlfriend, and Irish brogues so charming that they make Frank McCourt seem as homely as an IRA member, War Horse is not too shabby.

A young boy named Albie on the English country side raises a horse named Joey on his parent's farm. His father is the town drunk, and his wicked landlord is constantly trying to pluck the land out from under his nose. Albie's only chance to save the farm is to teach Joey how to plow, plant seed in the new field, and save the day! One thing leads to another, and everything goes wrong, causing Albie's father to sell Joey to the war effort. Joey's adventure takes him through all of the war, showing both sides of the battlefield as well as the bourgeoisie of the French countryside.

I'll break this down piece by piece. The first 25 minutes, for me, were just short of unwatchable. The sweeping vistas of the farm land are beautiful, but watching Albie try to feed an apple to that freaking horse for 5 minutes made me wish that I was in the trenches of World War I. On top of that, you know you're in trouble when the comic relief comes in the form of a squawking goose. I felt like I was watching Charlotte's Web…..the version with Julia Roberts as Charlotte. Also, the unbearably long sequence of Albie falling in the mud because he can't get the plow to work was only saved by Spielberg adding a "plow cam." Its pretty awesome.

Then everything changes when Joey goes to war. Just after his father has sold Joey, Albie cries and begs the military officer to let him keep his horse. The officer puts his hand on Albie's shoulder, telling him he will take Joey as his personal horse. He promises Albie that he will see his friend again. I lost it. As utterly stupid as the beginning is, after that moment I was completely sold.

The war scenes are shot with precision that is short of the excellence that Saving Private Ryan achieved, but ahead of the scope that the majority of war movies reside in. Breathtaking cinematography, performances from the old fashioned school of acting, and camera shots in the style of the old John Ford movies keep Spielberg standing tall with the best directors around.

Is it too corny at parts? Without a doubt. As distracting as it is, at a certain point it won't matter anymore, and all you will care about is seeing Joey get home. If a two star movie like this is Flags of Our Fathers and a four starer is Saving Private Ryan, then War Horse gets an admirable three stars.

Wookiee Wednesday's Picks for 2011's Best Albums

By Spence Blazak

HONORABLE MENTIONS

17. Adele-21

16. Foster the People- Torches

15. Wild Flag-Wild Flag

14. Drake-Take Care

13. Panda Bear-Tom Boy

12. The Cults-The Cults

11. The Front Bottoms- The Front Bottoms

_______________________________________

10. Taylor Swift- Speak Now: World Tour (I'm sorry, I had to)

9. She & Him-A Very She & Him Christmas

8. Wilco- The Whole Love

7. P.J. Harvey-Let England Shake

6. Fleet Foxes-Helplessness Blues

5. Gaby Moreno-Illustrated Songs

4. James Blake-James Blake

3. The Black Keys-El Camino

2. M83- Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

1. Bon Iver- Bon Iver

-------I've spared you any nonsensical ramblings on my other picks, but I have a brief yarn I'd like to spin about my pick for album of the year. I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. One of those weird moments where everything is different from then on. No lie. I've told this story at 5 out of the last 7 parties I've been at. Please bear with me.

So, I was having an odd week. Nothing seemed to make much sense. I'd been reading the Tao, looking for some kind of explanation to…..I don't know, maybe life, the universe, and everything. Then one night, I was listening to Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" and realized that I didn't know what it meant much more than "a girl made him sad." I looked it up and couldn't believe how incredible it was. I felt like Robert Frost had come back from the dead to write a few more poems and these were….better than his old stuff. I kept looking up song lyrics one by one and getting floored by them.

A few days later, I found myself in the corner of Kappa Sigma frat house. I was on a couch, there were the guts of a dozen Dutches on the table, and my friend was learning how to make his own dubstep music. As the sounds and smells flooded the room, I saw everything in the world all at once. It was like in 2001: A Space Odyssey when the main guy flies through the fabric of the universe and all the colors change. I got my questions, answers, and a sense of perspective. It wasn't actually tangible, but just a weird…feeling of security. I won't go much more into it than that, or the first person to read this will have taken away by the "Funny Farm", but there you have it. Everything was everything, nothing was everything. The world just sucks, the world is beautiful, the world is. Life's meaning. I was riding on these ideas the next few days, and I was wondering if I was the only one who had one of these experiences and was cursed to keep these ideas to myself. Then I went back to Bon Iver and dissected "Holocene," and then read an interview about what it meant. Here is the interview:

JV: Yeah, yeah. Holocene. Holocene is a bar in Portland, Ore., but it's also the name of a geologic era, an epoch if you will. It's a good example of how the songs [on the album] are all meant to come together as this idea that places are times and people are places and times are... people? [Laughs.] They can all be different and the same at the same time. Most of our lives feel like these epochs. That's kind of what that song's about. "Once I knew I was not magnificent." Our lives feel like these epochs, but really we are dust in the wind. But I think there's a significance in that insignificance that I was trying to look at in that song.

That was it. Bon Iver saw things the same way I did. Now thats what I call a fucking album of the year.

Top 15 Taylor Swift Songs (Top 15 Best Songs of All Time)

By Spence Blazak

I love Taylor. That's that. Here are my all time favorite TSwizzle songs. I command you to enjoy.

15. "Two Is Better Than One"

- "I remember every look upon your face, the way you roll your eyes, the way you taste." For a moment it takes me back to my relationship her. The little details flood through my eyes like a sepia toned play back on a camcorder. Then….I remember that I've never actually been closer than 250 feet away from her. THATS how you know a 7 second cameo on a song is good.

14. "The Outside"

- "How can I ever try to be better, nobody ever lets me in." Im assuming this one was written back before she was really really really beautiful and awesome and perfect and stuff. Long before Taylor knew the treachery that filled young boys' hearts. Oh Tay, so so much to warn you about, but the tragedy is that I cannot.

13. "Superman"

-A bonus cut on the Target Edition of Speak Now. "Tall dark and….Superman he puts papers in his briefcase and drives away to save the day or go to work ITS THE SAME THING TO ME." I personally like this cut because I always hope it was written about…….me *rocks back forth while in fetal position*.

12. "Mean"

-I remember the night well. Taylor performed a song with Stevie Nicks. I had hyped this up for weeks, and it was right as Taylor was about to become a super-superstar. The lights dimmed, they came on, and she was flat. I knew I would never hear the end of it. Everyone tore my sweet Tay apart, especially one D-bag critic who said things I won't repeat (because I don't remember them). Taylor wrote a song about it, this little gem. Its got banjo, Taylor being scorned, and the word "football" being said in the sexiest diction of all time. Well…..except for maybe Hank Williams Jr. in the Monday Night Football theme...

11. "Speak Now"

-Taylor barges into the wedding of the man she loves, wrecks shit up cuz he is totally marrying a tramp, walks out with her man, andmiddle finger extended to the world. #likeaboss

10. "Tell Me Why"

-Classic Tay. Classic.

9. "Mine"

-"Flash forward and we're taking on the world together, and theres a drawer of my things at your place." Its simply "wunderbar", as a German teacher would say.

8. "Sparks Fly"

-"The way you move is like a full on rain storm, and I'm a house of cards." The opening song of Taylor's concert. I didn't hear much of it because I was screaming too loud. One of my life's greatest moments. Right behind when I visited the Ninth Ward of New Orleans to help build houses, and I yelled "LOOK ITS BRAD PITT!" when a random guy on his bicycle rode by. 200 people looked. One girl screamed.

7. "Our Song"

-I used to be the captain of my high school's Quiz Bowl team many moons ago. One day, the question was "name the song by a certain blue eyed singer that is a slamming screen door, sneaking out late, tapping on your window-" then I chimed in with "WHEN WE'RE ON THE PHOOOOONE AND WE TALK REAL SLOW…..CUZ ITS LATE AND YOUR MOMMA DONT KNOW. OUR SONG IS THE WAY WE LAUGH, FIRST DATE 'MAN I DIDNT KISS HER BUT I SHOULD HAVE'". I didn't get any points because I never answered the question……totally worth it.

6. "Mary's Song (Oh My My My)"

- Taylor goes through the stages of her love with her childhood friend from the playground to the nursing home. Adorable.

5. "Last Kiss/Long Live"

-The tandem of songs that made me tear up when I heard them live. I texted Wookiee Wednesday historian Matt Piccolella:"This is the saddest moment of my whole life. Trying. Not. To. Cry."

4. "Love Story"

-I chose this song for my slow dance at Senior Ball. Partly because I missed the real slow dance as I was out on the golf course looking for a wild gopher (true story). We danced in a parking lot, the "door ajar" beeper went off the whole time, my date didn't give a shit, and I almost locked my keys in the car. Now thats what I call romantic!

3. "I'd Lie"

-Unreleased deep cut from when Taylor was a youngin'. She has a crush on a boy and doesn't know how to win him over. Beautiful, catchy, pulse pounding. God only knows why this was never released.

2. "You Belong With Me"

-I always say that "Love Story" got me infatuated with Tay, but "You Belong with Me" made me fall in love. The first time I listened to it, it wasn't a single yet. I was confused, I just….didn't know how to react. It changed everything. No song was ever quite as sweet after it. I once sang it accapella when I notoriously hosted the 2010 Fall Pep Rally. My history teacher called it "the worst pep rally I've seen in my 45 years of teaching. The song wasn't awful though." The rest of the student body just didn't go.

1. "Enchanted"

-Her most beautifulest song around. They named her perfume after it. Need I say more? I will. Apparently she met the Owl City guy at a party and was smitten by him. Nothing ever happened, but the song is about the what if……*breathy sigh*. Also, Speak Now was originally supposed to be called Enchanted, but since this is like 12,000 minutes long, they didn't think it would be radio friendly. Fun little fact. I'll stop talking now….

The Dark Knight Rises Prologue: Brian Long Reports

By Brian Long

Growing up I had always been a comic book fan. In fact, I sometimes felt as though I was the only one. I had friends who enjoyed the Spider-Man and X-Men films, but I kept up with their monthly exploits and pointed out inconsistencies between the comics and their cinematic equivalents. In my sophomore year of high school, I first saw Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins. That film changed the way I looked at not just comics and comic book movies, but film in general. I saw the power of a storyteller who took the escapist fantasy of a man donning a garish costume to avenge his parent’s death into a meditation of justice which evolved into the morality play that is The Dark Knight. Tonight, after scouring the press section for the Wookiee Wednesday reserved seating, I saw what is being labeled as the prologue to The Dark Knight Rises. The footage was essentially the first 6 minutes of the film. In describing the footage I will try to be as vague as possible to avoid spoilers but I will give details to the trailer-like footage that followed the prologue. If you want to remain completely spoiler-free then get off this site and frankly the internet in general.

Nolan repeats his formula from The Dark Knight by introducing the film’s main villain in the most “holy crap that was nuts” way possible. While some may consider this a rehash, I thought it highlighted the fundamental differences between the Joker and the newest threat to Gotham City Bane. In The Dark Knight, the Joker used his cunning mind and his faith in the worst of humanity to pick apart his bank robbery crew person-by-person, while Bane uses the brute force of the League of Shadows at his command to literally take apart his enemies. This one scene shows us a villain that we rarely get to see Batman go against: one who is both his physical and mental equal.

Now, the quick trailer scenes:

-Bane walking across the steps of Gotham City Hall: This is one of the moments of the film I’m most excited for, simply because we get to see Batman fight in the daytime…that seems dumb, BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

-Shot of the Bat-copter aka Money Shot pt. 1: Seriously. Everyone in the audience flipped out.

-Shot of Catwoman followed by a shot of Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I honestly keep forgetting these two are in the movie.

-Shot of Batman about to deck Bane on the steps of Gotham City Hall: HE’S FIGHTING IN THE DAY LIGHT YOU GUYS!

-A giant crowd of people charging down a Gotham City street: Holy crap, I love the way this shot mirrors the Commissioner Loeb funeral procession from the previous film. And for some reason there are three Tumblers littered across the street. THREE.

-Shot of Bane carrying half of a broken Batman mask: Money shot number 2. For those of you who don’t know, one time, Bane did this...so...yeah.

rEVOLVEr by T-Pain: Review

By Peter Long

When T-Pain first came on the scene in 2005, both him and his sound was fresh. No one had ever heard anything like it. Some asked, “did this come from another planet? What is this?” Keep in mind, auto-tune was rarely used prior to the release of T-Pain’s first full length Epiphany. The music of T-Pain turned out to be the sound of a culture that was changing in many ways.

It was the sound of a fast paced, bionic world where anyone could record an albums-worth of studio-quality music and release it themselves without the support of a major label. It was the sound of the second-wave of club culture and techno, another genre music that was beginning to break out of the underground. In other words, T-Pain’s music was somewhat a precursor to fist-pumping.

Today however, the use of this suddenly decade-old technology has turned into over-processed garbage used by almost every artist from Kanye West to Cher. Auto-tune has gone from being creative to controversial with most musicians denouncing it as being inorganic and a tool, not a musical instrument.

T-Pain has become a caricature of himself (i.e. “I’m On a Boat”) and evidently he hasn’t gotten the message that: A. auto-tune isn’t cool anymore and B. 14 songs worth of auto-tuney goodness (his latest release entitled Revolver) is almost as un-cool as auto-tune itself.

The results came back from the test: auto-tune is on life support and Revolver is trash.
Speaking of unoriginality, how about a Lil’ Wayne guest spot? Weezy is featured on the first track titled “Boom Boom Pow Pow” where he spits stoic lines referring to the way he does things which, in case you were wondering, was “big, hippopotamus.” While Lil’ Wayne is becoming more unoriginal than auto-tune itself, I’m almost thankful for him making a guest spot on this album because…well…at least he’s more talented than T-Pain.

After the song entirely devoted to his favorite George Costanza quote (“It’s Not You, It’s Me”…oh come on, no one watches Seinfeld anymore? Oh, you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm now…that’s cool, it’s fine), T-Pain moves on to “Default Picture,” which tells the story of a guy completely transfixed on woman’s default picture on Twitter. I wish I was kidding. This is the kind of song that would make the listener ask him or herself, “is this real?” or “where’s my pistol?”

Without a doubt the best track on the album is “5 O’Clock” featuring Lily Allen and Wiz Khalifa. The presence of these two are integral to the song because they are far more superior artists than the man whose album they’re singing on, specifically Khalifa who covers up the weak skills of T-Pain as an MC. Allen does a superb job of giving the track its flavor and she blends with T-Pain surprisingly well.

In conclusion, T-Pain’s art has become banal and has run its course. What he should continue to do is produce and add character to other artists songs, that is what he is good at. The movement that he helped create has ended synonymously with Revolver.
Final Verdict: If your parents buy you this for Christmas, find new parents.

Arthur Christmas: Review (and a W.W. Christmas message)

By Spence Blazak

I just came out of one of the hardest weeks of my life. I had two debates with people about whether life had a meaning. I dealt with what might have been a life or death situation. I said goodbye to a very good friend. A girl who used to sit at my table every once in a blue moon during 6th period lunch passed away. I visited a friend in the hospital and shared an elevator with a little Hispanic baby, and his mom's worried face broke my heart. I decided to go home for the weekend to grab my bearings.

My mom was feeling a little bit glum and felt like "it doesn't feel like Christmas this year." Honestly, I had completely forgotten it was Christmas. I became distraught when I realized that maybe this is what the real world is liked. I decided to take her out on a mom-date to the movies to maybe cheer us both up. The Descendants is apparently dismally depressing, so despite its potential to be huge Oscar bait, I thought that would only further the anti (dare I say it) Christmas spirit. So we went to see Arthur Christmas. Yeah. That. That movie that had a shitty trailer before Moneyball. That movie that looked idiotic. That movie I've spent a month mocking. Yet, it has a high "fresh" rating on Rottentomatoes.com, so I said what the heck. Regardless of my reluctancy, we decided to go, and also regardless of my reluctancy, it was the surprise of the century. As Steve Holt once said on Arrested Development, I didn't like Arthur Christmas at all. "No………………………I LOVED IT."

The plot is simple. The "Santa" is like a crown that is handed down through generations of Clauses. The current "Santa" is on his 70th mission (Christmas Eve), which is typically when the crown is handed down to the next in line. The next generation consists of Steve (Hugh Laurie) who runs the high-tech Christmas operation and Arthur (James McAvoy) who handles the letters to Santa. The presents are delivered, the current "Santa" retains his crown, and everyone goes to bed, but it is discovered that one present has been missed. An English girl will wake up Christmas morning with nothing under the tree. While no one else cares, the distraught Arthur sticks to his principles by heading for England before the sun rises with nothing more than an old fashioned sleigh, Grandsanta (Bill Nighy), and the present.

Crafted by Aardman Animation, the masters behind the hilarious Wallace and Grommit series, Arthur Christmas nails it as a Christmas movie. The English have a different brand of comedy stylings than weYanks do, and its application to a Christmas movie is brilliant. For instance, Grandsanta wants to summon the reindeer so he blows his "reindeer horn". It sounds broken. He flips it over and taps it to see if something is stuck inside. A dead rat falls down. I laughed so hard that I almost hurt myself. Also, there are several Harry Potter actors in the cast (Hagrid, Rufus Scrimgeour, and Professor Umbridge to name a few). Really, whats not to love?

Arthur Christmas is also a social and political commentary in the best way: it doesn't boast. Christmas is run by the Clauses as a military operation with extreme precision. Everyone at the North Pole is married to their job. It is brilliant because it is a parody of the cliched Christmas movie Dad who forgets its Christmas because he is so busy. Applying this stereotype to Santa himself is golden. It applies a fresh take on the "beating a dead horse" theme of the corporatization of Christmas with a new angle. For instance, the running joke where none of the Clauses remember the names of all the reindeer is too good.

As for the movie's charm, I feel it deserves a paragraph of its own. The character of Arthur rivals that of Buddy the Elf for cheeriest person captured on celluloid, yet there is something about Arthur that is a little more believable. Ironically, he is less of a cartoon character and more of a believable guy. With his tacky Christmas sweater, awkward swag, and light up moose slippers, he is a bashful adult. I'm not bashing Elf, I'm saying that there is something…endearing about Arthur. In a scene where a disillusioned Santa reads all of the letters that Arthur wrote back to children, McAvoy's narration brought tears to my eyes. No lie. And in the end when all of the Clauses finally deliver the pink bike to the little girl? I couldn't believe myself. A movie I had no faith in melted my cold, cold heart.

My point is this. What is the point of a Christmas movie? To make you forget about how bad your break up was and how stressful exams are. Its point is to bring you back to when you were a kid shivering in fear when the Bumble kidnapped Rudolph or when Frosty melted in a greenhouse. Maybe I've gotten soft in my old age. Maybe I'm more sentimental than I used to be. Maybe I won't like it as much when I see it again. Regardless, Arthur Christmas was one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had at the movies in a very long time.

Merry Christmas!

4 stars.