By Chris Hubbard
They say it is the one experience in college you will carry with you for the rest of your life, even into your late thirties: that when you go over seas, your life will never be the same, and that everyone should experience a semester abroad. To leave your country behind for half a year you would receive the opportunity of a lifetime in some exotic and beautiful country, life long friends (unless you smell weird or something,) and a receiving a free t-shirt that says, “I Studied Abroad,” in the mail a few weeks later. Or you could sit on the couch, watch Spaced and play Mass Effect 2 for eight weeks, lose life long friends (unless you have Xbox Live,) and have a free t-shirt that says, “I Studied Abroad,” accidentally mailed to you. Should the later happen, you coooooould send it back with a correction letter, yada yada. BUT FREE T-SHIRT! Besides, the shirt works just as well as the expensive trip. I found it’s not actually going that matters at all, but the fact that other people think you went that is the key.
“You went abroad? Where did you go?”
“Oh, I went to Africa.” The faces really light up when you say Africa more so than a lot of other places I’ve found (people seem less interested in Europe these days, don’t ask me why, but I’m assuming its because the squirrels are red over there). Maybe it is because Africa is so exotic to Americans. It might as well be Mars to most people. So to go there and come back in one piece makes you a folk hero for some reason.
“Africa! Really? That’s amazing? Where in Africa?” Okay, so here is the toughest part of the conversation so far. It’s not that it’s necessarily hard to answer, it’s just important because it sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. To say you went to Egypt is to end up in a lesson on monuments. “What are the pyramids like, what about the sphinx, did you see King Tut?” To say South Africa is a lecture on apartheid waiting to happen. Plus, now it’s up to you to give an update on the political progress of an entire nation. You have to be careful with people who know their stuff too. What if you give a country in civil war, and the person you’re talking to calls you out on it? Now you’re screwed before you really even started. I generally stick to saying Kenya, it’s familiar enough that people recognize the name, but they typically know nothing about it.
“Kenya! Wow, that’s amazing. What was it like over there?” This is where a well selected country really pays off. I can literally say anything I want to so long as it vaguely fits a person’s preconception of Africa, and pushing these boundaries is particularly entertaining. The crazier you get with the stories, the better as far, as I’m concerned. I once told a woman that we rode cheetahs from city to city.
“Doesn’t that hurt the animals?”
“Hurt them? They don’t even feel us on their backs! They’re pretty much the only means of transportation over there.”
“That’s remarkable! What’s it like riding one?”
“Oh, it’s the only way to travel as far as I’m concerned. I’m thinking of trading my car in for a Mufasa soon actually.”
“Wasn’t Mufasa the name of a character from the Lion King?”
“Yeah, but where do you think the name comes from? It’s a breed of Cheetah in Kenya.”
I’ve found that as the years pass, I can sometimes get away with more and more outrageous statements so long as I can write it off as being a product of the times. Things change over the years and not everyone remembers what things were like in Africa in nineteen eighty-whatever.
“The elephants were so tiny they could fit in our pockets.”
“But aren’t elephants humongous?”
“Well, today they are! What with the internet and all of that cancer going around, but back then it was different.”
Obviously if you’re going to go this far, you have to make sure you’re never going to see this person again. You can’t just tell your grandfather all about cheetah races and giraffe stampedes because he’s more than likely going to tell someone who actually knows something all about it, and then soon he’s coming back to curse you out. Save the outlandish stuff for the casual stranger, they usually won’t remember too much about the conversation anyway. Pretty much anyone in line at the bank, or at the laundromat, or on the subway is fair game as far as I’m concerned.
“You studied abroad? You know, I’ve studied abroad… or two. (pause for laughter)”
But the laughter never comes. If anyone, for any reason cracks this joke at you, and they will, be it while you are wearing the shirt or otherwise, you have a few options.
1) You can run away. It’s not cowardice; I’ve done it lots of times. Don’t even respond, just run. You’ll never see them again, I promise. Sometimes it’s really the best way of dealing with a jokester who has no idea what’s funny and what’s just plain stupid. Look, everyone who’s ever made this joke has on some level, thought they were being original, which means that they are obviously slow and won’t catch up if you decide the bus station a few blocks away is a better place be standing.
2) If you know the person, then all the easier to deal with. You don’t have to go anywhere or say anything, just turn and look then straight in the eyes… and slap them. Make it a hard slap, but don’t knock any teeth out or anything crazy. Just a good smack to the face. They won’t say it again, whether they are now crying, or trying like crazy to kick the shit out of you.
3) If you don’t know the person and you don’t feel like running, you can stand up and confront the problem head on if you’re in the mood.
“You sir, are the reason why this country is the most hated nation in the world, and I weep for the generations to come that will have to pay for your ignorant remarks here today.”
I usually point and turn up my nose when I say this too. It’s the best way to get out of any confrontation when it comes to your I Studied Abroad T-shirt. The reason it’s so effective is because it puts you in the driver seat. You’re taking the wind out of their sails quickly. I make sure to be loud enough so others can hear me too. That way I come across as the cultured one, and the people around us chime in on my side.
“You’re just embarrassing all of us. Why don’t you go back to your cave, you Neanderthal!?”
I’ve seen it turn even the most confident of wisecrackers into defeated creatures, running with their tail between their legs to get away from the scene of their embarrassment, which can only add to the satisfaction of wearing a Study Abroad Shirt…while having never studied abroad.
Above all, it’s important to remember that this Study Abroad Shirt is not a toy. It’s a serious conversation starter, and nine times out of ten, you will end up talking to someone about it. It’s better to have a plan. No one likes looking like an idiot, especially when you’re thirty eight and you’re still wearing clothes from your college years.
Spence’s note: Another way to deal with a jokester is by doing it the way that someone who I hold near and dear to me dealt with a similar situation two years ago: a random parent on a Rider tour. For those of you who don’t know, Wookiee Wednesday contributor Brian Long used to be a tour guide at Rider University. Bored with the monotony of the tour life, that clever bugger Brian decided one day to start his tour off with a new line: “Hey ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Rider! Now, I know what you’re thinking…. ‘Rider?.....I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!!!!’”
Someone immediately filed a complaint.
The lesson here is that when you are in doubt, blame it on Brian and get your satisfaction from knowing he got yelled at.
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