My Application For the Head Coaching Position of the Oakland Raiders

To Whom It May Concern,

I am throwing my name into the race for the recently vacated head coaching position of the Oakland Raiders football organization. My reputation may not precede me which is why I will showcase my aptness for the job through my answers to the following questions.

1.What experience do you have in the game of football?

-Simple. A kid in my Residence Hall thought that I was a linebacker for the college football team. Granted, I did find out that he did a few lines of blow right before he mentioned this to me, but that is beside the point. Also, I was the General Manager/Coach/Play caller for the internet sensation Wookiees of the Rutgers Intramural Flag Football Association. Yes, we did score a touchdown this one time. Also, I have coached the Giants to a 5 year undefeated streak in the video game Madden 2008.

2. What relationship do you have with the city of Oakland?

-Well, funny you should ask that. First off, I saw and read Moneyball…………….uh………………

3. What could you bring to the team?

-Fire all the Oakland dancers and hire the Laker Girls. I have the money. Next, we beg/hold Andy Dalton hostage for our draft picks back from the Bengals that we gave them for Carson Palmer. It is ESSENTIAL that we don't actually give them Carson Palmer back. After that is another important step in my plan. Since no one actually knows what Darren McFadden looks like, we will trade JaMarcus "Worst Of All Time" (W.O.A.T) Russell and put him in a McFadden jersey. No one will know the difference. Heck, we can still get Nnamdi Asomugha back from the Eagles by taking him out to dinner in downtown Oakland and pretending he was "gunned down." We give them Demarcus Van Dyke in return, give Nnamdi a new name, and then laugh all the way to the Superbowl!

4. What would your legacy as head coach be?

-"Spence Blazak: The man who changed the decrepit Oakland Raiders into the majestic 'Cokeland Spences' and who sacrificed a calf to the football gods."

I'll expect my check and "Cokeland" hat in the mail by Monday. Send it by owl if you have to.

Sincerely,

S. Blazak