By Spence Blazak
September 15th, 2040:
Dave Piccolella's birthday is now a holiday. Kid's get off from school, the government shuts down, but unlike MLK Day, people actually know who the namesake of their annual day of leisure is. Dave: The man who put into effect the plan that would save the entire human population. People gather round and ask Applebees CEO Spence Blazak to tell them about the day it happened, since he is one of only two humans left from when the event happened.
July 20th, 2039
-Food scientist Spence discovers the recipe for the everlasting gobstopper, thus ending world hunger.
December 13, 2013
-The first of Spence's 13 children, which will regrow the human population, is born. Coincidentally, on the same day as their mother was.
January 1, 2013
-A new year, and a new hope for humanity. Spence finds the fallen wreckage of the International Space Station (which plummeted to the Earth after the cosmonaut's cat killed all of the astronauts) and retrieves the vital information on board.
December 22, 2012
-Spence emerges from the wreckage of humanity, takes his new bride, and rides off into the sunset to hunt down the cure to bring back the almost extinct species known as mankind.
December 21, 2012
-The world ends. Cats turn on homo sapiens, destroying them one by one, just as the Mayans predicted. Just when all seems lost and the cats arrive at Spence's door, they are warded off by his cats Allie and Zoey, for he has been deemed worthy to live among them in the age of cats. The only other Earthly survivor is someone else who was saved by their cat….all thanks to this video of her . Spence then marries her.
December 20, 2012
-The company Spacex launches their probe to the International Space Station. It is filled with fancy metal boxes. Inside these boxes, Wookiee Wednesday assumes, are bits of human DNA and reams of paper documenting humanity's accomplishments.
June 6, 2012 4:59 PM
-The essential parts needed to create the indestructible metal boxes for Spacex are shipped in the nick of time from Blazak Mfg.
June 6, 2012 12:34 PM
-Dave returns from his epic journey to the road stop on the Jersey Turnpike at mile marker 120 with the tool needed to create the pieces for this "indestructible savior box."
June 6, 2012 11:40 AM
-Dave is briefed about his mission to head to the aforementioned rest stop to get this tool which will save humanity. He is warned to beware of undercover policemen, for they will be watching him. No lie. One time my aunt had to run a similar mission at the rest stop and was questioned because they thought she was a drug trafficker.
June 6, 2012 11:39 AM
-The breaks squeal and the stench of burned rubber permeates the muggy air. Spence throws himself out of Dave's car and gives the donuts and coffee to his uncle and bossman Tom.
June 6, 2012 11:37 AM
-Text from Tom: "Take your time, but quickly". Spence yells.
June 6, 2012 11:30 AM
-They enter the Quickcheck.
Spence: "ASDASHFKJSDHGLADKBFJ:DHFASFAAFF"
Dave: "The coffee is right over there, Spence"
Spence and Dave dash to the coffee with Tom's refillable mug in hand. It's a mad house inside of Quickcheck. THE JAMAICAN ME CRAZY COFFEE HAS A DO NOT SERVE SIGN. The fate of the universe rests in this coffee being delivered. Spence then does something that will be remembered for many generations to come after him: he asks a woman who works there if the sign is just a guideline. She says yes.
They get in the car and hit the gas.
June 6, 2012 11:20 AM
-The team makes mad dash to the local Sunoco, prepared for anything. Dave accidentally hits the "open trunk" button on his car. Spence hurls his door open.
Spence: "AHHHHHHHHHHHH"
He closes the trunk and runs back the five feet to the door.
Spence: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
June 6, 2012 11:12 AM
-Tom briefs the duo on the first part of their mission. They must fill up Dave's tank with gas, go to Quickcheck, go inside the Quick check, get donuts and Jamaican Me Crazy coffee, leave, go back to the shop, then have Dave go get the part needed to save humanity. Just another day at Blazak Mfg.
June 6, 2012 11:08 AM
-Tom: "Get ready for an earth changing mission."
June 6, 2012 10:13 AM
-Spence puts too much oil on the stamper, and the greasy substances is sprayed in his face, like this.
June 6, 2012 8:50 AM
-The day of work begins like any other. Spence has been cutting himself on the metal strips for awhile and looks at his fingers. They look like a falcon attacked them. He then wonders if when he dies, the police will ever be able to tell who he is because his fingerprints will have changed. WIll he even care, since he is dead? He sits in fear and gives an existential shudder.
June 6, 2012 7:40 AM
-Dave picks Spence up and they go to work. On the way there, "Closing Time" by Semisonic comes on (or maybe Spence just decides to randomly sing it). It is a foreshadow of the day's events. "One last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer."
June 6, 2012 7:13 AM
-Spence wakes up to the sound of Little Richard singing "Tutti Frutti." He then gets ready for work by lying in bed for 20 minutes, making coffee, burning himself on said coffee, then drinking a protein shake. As Bruce Springsteen once said "The working, the working, the working life".
I know what you are thinking……what did you actually do to help save the world? Dave did everything? I'll tell you what I did. I got that Jamaican Me Crazy coffee. If it wasn't for that small act, then Tom might not have had the energy to tell Dave the directions up the parkway to get that tool. All thanks to that caramel fueled concoction. You're welcome, world.
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