By Spence Blazak
I believe it was the philosopher Descartes who once said, "To be sick is human, to be sick and play NCAA 13 is divine." I think that was him….or maybe he was the guy who said "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR." Who knows.
The last week of summer: the stuff of legend and the setting for many an American Pie sequel. On my friend Dave's last night in town, I got a bad case of the sick, entrapping me in the deep recesses of my domicile. I had six days before I flew south for the winter and returned to Rutgers.
And so began the tale of the five things I did during the week i didn't leave my house.
5. Top Chef
-I wake up at 6 AM, hallucinating that there is an otter in my bed. I kick it off, before realizing it is my kitten. I then stare at the wall for 45 minutes, in a sick daze. I make my move to the living room and decide to turn on my new television obsession: Bravo reality shows.
Crossing my fingers, hoping, praying that Million Dollar Listing: Los Angeles will be on, I frown as I see the opening graphic for Top Chef: Texas. Then my life stops. Maybe its the ibuprofen, but I'd like to think its from Padma Lakshi's glorious face: her slender facial structure, her chocolate brown eyes, the way she tells some Asian guy his souflet is shit. Then I pass out. I wake up hours later in the middle of another episode, where the Asian guy is voted off. I sit and ponder how he lasted this long. Hm. Another mystery.
4. The Republican National Convention
-I watch all 4 hours of Morning Joe's coverage of the RNC pre game show. They have very little to talk about aside from a single clip of Mitt Romney walking into his hotel saying "I think the convention will be great!" This clip is played 8 times before I go back to sleep.
3. Analyze The Hunger Games
-Since I can only watch so much of Mitt Romney saying nothing, I decide to turn to a copy of the novel The Hunger Games. Looking for a way to spice it up a little bit, I keep a close eye for typographical errors. After finding two, I no longer feel like a man…..but a god! A very sick god.
2. Read a sad forum on Grantland
-For those of you who don't know Grantland, imagine this blog, but it came out a few weeks after W.W…..and they are actually successful. Last week, they did a poll about what was the best sequel of all time. Pretty standard fare, until a mailbag was introduced where people tried to determine if Silence of the Lambs was a sequel to Maneater or a stand alone work. It was easily 3,000 words long, and I, Spence Blazak, sacrificed my dignity by reading the entire thing. It was neck beard vs neck beard, with all contributors probably sending in their witticisms via the desktop in their mom's garage. I've truly seen the bottom of the world.
-The greatest accomplishment of the week, indubitably. Renting NCAA 13 for Xbox from the library (you read that correctly), I was on a mission from God to win the Heisman in Heisman mode. You can take one of a select group of former trophy winners and put them on any school you want. Since Tim Tebow had to be paid for, I put off my dream a little longer of putting Timmy on Morehead State and riding the glory train to a Rose Bowl victory. Instead, I put Robert Griffin III on Rutgers.
I play through virtually the whole season before reaching the sad conclusion that I am in third place for Heisman voting behind two randomly generated characters. The last game of the regular season, I go up against Syracuse and throw for, by some divine intervention, 9 touchdowns and 700 yards winning the Heisman, the coveted Heisman Xbox achievement, and the hearts of millions.
Where is my coaching job for Rutgers?! I got us to a Fiesta Bowl win! All I need is……Robert Griffin III.
Epilogue
-I'm not really sure how to end this vivid tale of sickness and a man at his breaking point, so I'll just leave you with this quote about the sick from Rodney Dangerfield: "My mother had morning sickness the day after I was born!"
Thank you, and good night!
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