10.26.2012

How to Win Halloween with a Killa Costume



By Spence Blazak

I pride myself on my Halloween costumes. The greatest day of my life is going to be when I take my son/a random baby and dress him up as a little Harry Potter, then dress myself up as Hagrid. Every year, I try to outdo myself with a costume that straddles the tight rope of obscurity, relevance, and hilarity. Some past gems have included Braveheart, Kevin Jonas, a deer, Billy Mays, and a fruit ninja. Before I make the big reveal of my costumes this year, here are a few pages for you from my Halloween playbook.

-Alright, so no one watches this show. YET. But when they do, people will look back on your costume and say "Wow! What a clever guy!" And if you do happen upon a lady who watches the show, let me put it this way…you will be in for a long night of terrorist negotiations! 

-It looks like a futuristic space phallus. Bring the kids!

-Long hair, always hammered, and played by Woody Harrelson in the movie. And girls who read will totally think you're cool! If you run into a female that is dressed up as Katniss, then you can ask her if she used one of Gale's traps…on your heart. 

President Rutherford B. Hayes
-The President who put the "Ho" in "White House." Get ready for a long night…1800s style. 

A character from the classic fire fighter film Backdraft
-Celebrate Halloween in style with the 14th highest grossing movie of 1991. If people don't "get it" then they are the weird ones!

The guy from 50 Shades of Grey
-Show off your leather fetish IN STYLE!

-Set yourself up for a night you'll never forget. This costume will open you up to an exclusive club of other people dressed as British PMs. A love rendezvous with a girl dressed as Margaret Thatcher? A new friendship kindled with Neville Chamberlain? A brunch of kippers with Gordon Brown? Nothing is out of the question with this gem of a get up!

Gus from the season 4 finale of Breaking Bad
-Who wouldn't want to dress up as the man who once said "I don't give out threats….but if you don't do as I say, I'll kill your whole family." Always keeping it light!

Magic Mike
-Note: Works better if you are fat.

-Someone indie will give you a shout out at some point during the night….and I'm going to level with you: that's as good as your night is going to get. 

Palmer, the Seeing Eye Dog from the apartment down stairs from me
-Wear all black, get a tail, and a leash, then wear a Giants bandana. Last step: win the hearts of millions!

-A bald eunuch that wears slippers, a moo moo, and talks like the musical theater director from my high school. Potential to be a huge hit among LARPers. And we all know what a hard crowd they are too please!

FOR THE LADIES:

Slave Girl Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi
-Easily impress men with working eyes!

Pippa Middleton
-For the ladies out there who want to take it allllllllll the way back to spring 2011!

Carly Rae Jepsen
-For the drag queen in all of us! Or a girl with brown hair!

Monica Lewinski
-Always keeping it timely. Achieved hip, new relevance when Kanye West turned her name into a verb…..in 2009.

Megan Draper
-Everyone's favorite wife of Don Draper on Mad Men. Gorgeous, French, sings seductive songs, and….is perfect.

The Cast of Full House
-Requires a pretty large group to get it just right…..and GOD KNOWS everyone will be fighting over who gets to dress up as Kimmy Gibbler!

A Cat
-From the people who brought you dressing up as "a baby"! You can't beat the classics. 

Exotic Birds
-Tweet tweet.

Now, without further ado, my three costumes for this year:

Robin
-My friend is going to be Batman, but I, the one that is built more like a tree, am going to be the Boy Wonder.

Tagg Romney
-All of my friends and I will be donning khakis, button down shirts, and a slicked back professional haircut, representing….The Romney family!

Edward Cullen
-Sparkles, paleness, and a picture of Bella. Remember me as I was….before I put on this costume and became the coolest man alive. 


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