By Spence Blazak
I pride myself on my Halloween costumes. The greatest day of my life is going to be when I take my son/a random baby and dress him up as a little Harry Potter, then dress myself up as Hagrid. Every year, I try to outdo myself with a costume that straddles the tight rope of obscurity, relevance, and hilarity. Some past gems have included Braveheart, Kevin Jonas, a deer, Billy Mays, and a fruit ninja. Before I make the big reveal of my costumes this year, here are a few pages for you from my Halloween playbook.
-Alright, so no one watches this show. YET. But when they do, people will look back on your costume and say "Wow! What a clever guy!" And if you do happen upon a lady who watches the show, let me put it this way…you will be in for a long night of terrorist negotiations!
-It looks like a futuristic space phallus. Bring the kids!
-Long hair, always hammered, and played by Woody Harrelson in the movie. And girls who read will totally think you're cool! If you run into a female that is dressed up as Katniss, then you can ask her if she used one of Gale's traps…on your heart.
President Rutherford B. Hayes
-The President who put the "Ho" in "White House." Get ready for a long night…1800s style.
A character from the classic fire fighter film Backdraft
-Celebrate Halloween in style with the 14th highest grossing movie of 1991. If people don't "get it" then they are the weird ones!
The guy from 50 Shades of Grey
-Show off your leather fetish IN STYLE!
-Set yourself up for a night you'll never forget. This costume will open you up to an exclusive club of other people dressed as British PMs. A love rendezvous with a girl dressed as Margaret Thatcher? A new friendship kindled with Neville Chamberlain? A brunch of kippers with Gordon Brown? Nothing is out of the question with this gem of a get up!
Gus from the season 4 finale of Breaking Bad
-Who wouldn't want to dress up as the man who once said "I don't give out threats….but if you don't do as I say, I'll kill your whole family." Always keeping it light!
Magic Mike
-Note: Works better if you are fat.
-Someone indie will give you a shout out at some point during the night….and I'm going to level with you: that's as good as your night is going to get.
Palmer, the Seeing Eye Dog from the apartment down stairs from me
-Wear all black, get a tail, and a leash, then wear a Giants bandana. Last step: win the hearts of millions!
-A bald eunuch that wears slippers, a moo moo, and talks like the musical theater director from my high school. Potential to be a huge hit among LARPers. And we all know what a hard crowd they are too please!
FOR THE LADIES:
Slave Girl Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi
-Easily impress men with working eyes!
Pippa Middleton
-For the ladies out there who want to take it allllllllll the way back to spring 2011!
Carly Rae Jepsen
-For the drag queen in all of us! Or a girl with brown hair!
Monica Lewinski
-Always keeping it timely. Achieved hip, new relevance when Kanye West turned her name into a verb…..in 2009.
Megan Draper
-Everyone's favorite wife of Don Draper on Mad Men. Gorgeous, French, sings seductive songs, and….is perfect.
The Cast of Full House
-Requires a pretty large group to get it just right…..and GOD KNOWS everyone will be fighting over who gets to dress up as Kimmy Gibbler!
A Cat
-From the people who brought you dressing up as "a baby"! You can't beat the classics.
Exotic Birds
-Tweet tweet.
Now, without further ado, my three costumes for this year:
Robin
-My friend is going to be Batman, but I, the one that is built more like a tree, am going to be the Boy Wonder.
Tagg Romney
-All of my friends and I will be donning khakis, button down shirts, and a slicked back professional haircut, representing….The Romney family!
Edward Cullen
-Sparkles, paleness, and a picture of Bella. Remember me as I was….before I put on this costume and became the coolest man alive.
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