The First Time I Saw the Red Sox Play (and Lose)

Me after the first inning

By Spence Blazak

Wookiee Wednesday patrons Dave, Matt, and I set out for Citizens Bank Park at approximately 3:30 to see the visiting Boston Red Sox vs. the Philadelphia Phillies. To set the scene, I'm a Red Sox fan, and the boys are Phillies phans. This will be my first live Red Sox game. I'm as excited as this guy. The first 5 minutes of the car ride consist of Matt yelling at Dave to have some pumpkin seeds. Dave refuses, saying that his mouth will be dry for the rest of the car ride. I sit back and listen, in awe. 

Dave reminds me of when I googled "How To Win A Date With Taylor Swift" and found that the only way to do it is to have a disease. Since I only have clinical high anxiety, so we are going to write her a letter and see how far that gets me (why am I admitting this….). This gives me an idea. Babe Ruth used to tell sick kids he would hit home runs for them. Red Sox first baseman Adrian Gonzalez has been on a home run dry spell for about a month now, and I plan on convincing him to end it tonight by using this tactic.

We arrive at the stadium right around the time when they will open the flood gates to allow people to run down to the dugout. I'm giddy with anticipation. I have my ironically blue Red Sox hat and am clutching a silver marker for whatever player gets the privilege of signing it. I'm most excited to see if I can meet Wendell Kim, the 5' 5'' Asian third base coach that signals for virtually every player to go home, regardless of where the situation. This earned him the nickname "Wave 'Em In Wendell Kim." 

I then remember that he hasn't been with the team in over a decade. This brings down my spirits. 

We continue inside and go down by the Red Sox dugout. My adrenaline is pumping like a guido's fist on Memorial Day Weekend. Racing, running, knocking over women in my way, we arrive at the front row of the stadium. Pitchers are warming up. My eyes light up. A mere 10 feet away from me is………ALFREDO ACEVES?!?!?! EFF THIS! I start to look for my favorite bull pen pitcher Bobby Jenks, and just before I remember he got traded, two people tumble over the small barrier between the stadium and the field. Dave I initially think they are kids, before we realize they are grown men with silver white hair fighting over a foul ball. Some random Sox player yells at them, and we start to walk closer to home plate as security bitches them out.

At home plate, we are about 10 feet from the front of the dugout and see all kinds of action: Bobby Valentine acting like a boob, Daniel Bard barding around, and Cody Ross petting his beard. Josh Beckett approaches the dugout. I've waited for this moment for weeks. I want to make a fat joke or yell at him for being awful, but I get scared and hide behind Dave instead.

Then, Dustin Pedroia starts to head to the dug out. I start to freak out. I have a "Pedroi-uh the Destroy-uh" bumper sticker on my car, Taylor. Oh gosh. Do I mention it? Do I ask him about his kids? No. Too weird. Or not weird enough? Oh man, here he is.

"HEY, DUSTIN! HAVE FUN OUT THERE!"

Nailed it. 

Wind sprints result in more snubs for autographs, but it was all worth it to see the Phillie Phanatic dry hump Cody Ross up close. I was just waiting for Cody to flinch and accidentally get a career ending injury. Oh, sports. We head to our seats. 

The game is about to start, and we sit down. My monstrous frame crams itself into the seat without too much of a problem. Then the woman seated next to me whispers something to her husband and switches seats with him. She was frightened of me and moved…hey…I'VE STILL GOT IT!

First at bat for the Red Sox, Mike Aviles gets walked by Cole Hamels. ITS A GOOD DAY! Dave looks at me and yells: "Great! There goes his WHIP!" We all chuckle warmly. This was the last thing good thing to happen for the Sox for awhile. In the bottom of the first, Bard gives up 4 runs. I am waiting for the Jumbo-tron to show me throwing myself off of the upper decks. 

A drunk guy with his kids who looks like Mack from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia says: "MMMMMMMMMMMMM it smells like sausage……I WANT IT!"

The Red Sox blow it for a few more innings, and in the meantime, Dave has a slew of golden Juan Pierre puns:

"JUAN in a million!"

"Come aaaahn JUAN!"

"JUAN two three YER OUT!"

Dave then gets sad that Pierre doesn't get a hit, because he never got the chance to say "Looks like he is JUAN-for-three tonight!" Poor, poor Dave.

The Sox begin to come back with home runs from Aviles and Ross, I get excited then terrified I will be stabbed to death by the sausage guy in front of me. 

We decide to go get "Graham Slam" the delicious Phillies-exclusive ice cream. Dave: "Lets just go now. I know that we'll miss something no matter when we leave!" Once we are amid the crowd of people in the bowels of the stadium, Phillie Hunter Pence (or Hunter Spence as I call him) hits a homer. Dave is irate, to everyone's amusement. 

The game continues, I almost fly over the edge of the upper decks when I climb over my seat, and all is right in the world. Gonzalez hits a home run (for my high anxiety, I'm assuming), Oritz surprises us by pinch hitting, and we decide to head out. 

The hackles on the back of my neck start to go up when I realize my least favorite Red Sox bull pen pitcher, Franklin Morales, has gone in. As I predict, the bastard gives up a home run on the first pitch. Woof. We are out of there before before Jonathan "Judas" Pabelbon goes in to close the game for the Phillies. 

The Red Sox lose, and I am finally inducted into true fan hood through this baptism of seeing a loss. As Wookiee Wednesday contributor Chris Hubbard points out on Facebook: "Hey be happy that the Sox didn't win, or you would have been killed in the parking lot!" Wow, today truly was a day of miracles!