Ted: Review

By Spence Blazak

The Spence of two weeks ago was a naïve, sheltered individual. He thought the Red Sox might be able to stay in second place. He never expected a girl to fall for his pseudo-French (Frenglish) when he spoke it at a party. He thought that if a movie centered itself on the joke of a teddy bear that talks, it would grow old. Ted has plenty of problems, but against all odds, that bear remains funny the whole time.

Ted begins on a Christmas Eve many moons ago, when a young boy, who will soon grow up to be Mark Wahlberg, is depressed that he has no friends. Christmas morning, he gets a frighteningly cute teddy bear: fluffy, bow-tied, and possessing an unblinking gaze that emanates from his chestnut brown eyes. He is the perfect best friend. That night, a shooting star appears over-head, and the young Mark Wahlberg boy wishes for his Teddy to come to life.

The wish is granted, and soon the little bear is talking, running around, and having a great time doing his bear thing. Then the opening credits roll, and we are brought to the present, where Ted has become a bro. He has ditched his bow-tie, gotten a bit shaggy, and now has a Boston accent so he sounds like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting (for the record, this is the highest praise I can give to an accent). He now does all kinds of cool “bro” stuff like smoke weed, fornicate with hookers, and watch Cheers. The only problem with this is that Mark Wahlberg is trying to hold a job, as well as maintain his relationship with his main squeeze (played by Mila Kunis), and Ted is a distraction.

Some way, somehow, hilarity does, indeed, ensue. I went and saw Ted as a fluke, truly not having an expectation whether it would be a pleasant surprise (like 21 Jump Street) or a for-the-love-of-God-what-have-I-done kind of surprise (like The Dictator), but in the end, Ted achieves its goal of making you laugh.

There is something about a teddy bear doing things that produces the purest kind of laughter, such as showing how Garfield’s face looks like a pair of bare breasts by drawing on said anatomical feature. Is Ted only successful because the title character is a plush toy? Pretty much, but it is still a pretty impressive feat to keep one gag from going stale for 90 minutes.

This can be attributed to the deadpan approach to the joke, with characters only bringing up Ted’s nature every so often, and when it is brought up, you say: “Oh yeah…..bear!”. Also, the fact that Ted has a girlfriend for the majority of the movie, makes whoopee with her on screen, and she never once asks any questions about him being a bear is comedy gold.

Other contributors to Ted’s success are Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. If the meat of Ted’s story had been left in the hands of lesser actors, it would have fallen to pieces at the seams, but the duo provides the perfect balance of playing it straight in “dramatic” scenes with Ted and going all out, such as when Mark Wahlberg punches a child (Spoiler alert: It’s a riot!)

The on-screen chemistry between the duo is another testament to their strength in the movie. That’s right. The fact that one of the more believable movie romances in recent memory is directed by Seth Macfarlane is a shellshock of a surprise. You will want to give them a hug, have dinner with them at Applebees, and make a teary-eyed, somewhat irreverent toast at their wedding. The romance works because it is honest, subdued, just quirky enough, and you want them to wind up together. This is a pretty textbook way to make a good movie romance, but the surprising part is that Macfarlane had enough maturity as a writer to make one in this fashion.

Now for the negative parts. Ted’s pop culture references are frequently not clever enough to save themselves from being called “lazy writing,” but still take up a major fraction of the movie’s dialogue. When the off-key Mark Wahlberg bombs while singing the theme from Octopussy to try to win Mila Kunis back, did Ted really have to say “Hey! Still better than Katy Perry!” While some of the jokes, such as Ted saying a fat kid looks like Susan Boyle, are hilarious, they are still a bit cheap and will make Ted dated in 5 years.

Another detractor to the film is Joel McHale. Maybe he has fans somewhere, but God knows why that is. He plays Mila Kunis’s creepy boss that perpetually hits on her at work. His dialogue is dismal, and he doesn’t look like he is trying. He is about as unlikable as you can get, with no saving graces. Joe Pesci made a career of playing dastardly wise guys, but you still always loved him, even if he was banging Robert DeNiro’s wife. Hey! Its just Joey! But with McHale…you just can’t wait for him to be off screen.

Finally, the biggest issue with Ted is its ending. While the entirety of the movie does a great job of balancing comedy with plot-propelling drama that doesn’t get sappy, the ending just bombs. Mawkish (two dollar word of the day), tonally inconsistent with the rest of the movie, and jam packed with groan worthy moment after groan worthy moment, Ted ends on a sour note.

With everything taken into account, Ted has some very hit or miss moments, but is overall a comparatively successful comedy. Word of warning, if you wind up seeing Ted in theaters, don’t sit next to any of the children who will undoubtedly be there. It is a whole other level of uncomfortable that will be introduced to your life.

If The Dictator is a one-star example of an R-rated comedy, and 21 Jump Street is a three-and-a-half star example, then Ted gets a decent 3 stars.