Degrassi Final Week Part 2: P.R.E.A.M. (Prom Rules Everything Around Me)

If we wrote Degrassi, whenever Mo wasn't on screen, every character would be asking: where's Mo?

By Spence Blazak and Brian Long

Brian: And we’re back folks, we kick off this two-parter with the upperclassmen introducing the freshmen “niners” to Degrassi life and the horrors they will endure over the next four years.

Spence: Jacoby looks like a fucking traffic cone or Otto, the Syracuse mascot.

Brian: It looks like one of those awful shirts from the early 2000’s that said something like “Busy, come back…NEVER”

Spence:…or Telly from Sesame Street. We see Bianca with the gang member Vince. Here’s the exchange between Jacoby and Adam:

"She is standing with some dude"

"Adam....that dude is Vince."

That reminds me of when a Paul Rudd in Forgetting Sarah Marshall says "that dude beat up a guy with a star fish...........that guy was me"

CONTINUITY ERROR: Jacoby has a pencil behind his ear. How am i supposed to believe that this baboon can write?

Brian: I’m pretty sure Drew is convinced Bianca is going to murder him. Anyway, Claire and Jake’s relationship is going swimmingly. Jake does totally lame things like walk around in a tie with no shirt.

Spence: HAHAHAHA i haven't seen a man without a shirt on wearing a tie since me after senior prom on the beach.....TMI?

Brian: Absolutely. When did Claire’s life become a Merly Streep romanctic comedy?

Spence: If you can't stand the heat, Brian, turn off the dragon. I can't get over how Mrs. Frumpy looks like Rogue from X-Men. And what clarifies a Degrassi party? One with a knife?

Brian: Or a gun. Or nunchucks.

Spence: And Mo needs to come back every episode. i will miss listening to his jovial voice saying SAV FOR THE WIN

Brian: I really hope he’s not graduating too. Bianca is pretty harsh on that ginger kid.

Spence: I think Bianca saying "big red" to the large red headed girl counts as a hate crime

Brian: That kid looks like my grandma’s childhood doll. Sav tries to sly his way into a private rendezvous with Ms. Oh by saying he needs his oboe fixed.

Spence: The oboe line. CLASSIC SAV. The best pickup line I've ever heard since that one time I said to a girl "so............." Oh and "I've gotta drive Ali to Ottawa"- what a fucking bullshit line Sav! DAMMIT! You hold onto Ms. Oh! You love her. You love her and never let her go.

Brian: Who knew having an affair with a teacher would be such a PAIN!

Spence: Jake's dad looks and sounds like Jett Farve in the commercial where he says "I'm a Wrangler man....always have been, always will be"

Brian: He’s like the Mike Rowe of Canada. Bianca and Jacoby Ellsbury try and patch things up with each other.

Spence: "You're the one good thing you've ever had in my life." My roommate Bayo briefly looks up from his Youtube video of Louis CK standup and says "Awwwwwww."

Brian: Of course “good thing” for Bianca means GOIN’ TO THE BOILER ROOM. But She-JJJ is none too pleased about this revoltin’ development and she thinks Jacoby is going to start punching his problems away again.

Spence: “WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS IN TAEKWONDO AND JOURNALISM!!!” Yeah....Tiger Shulman and Bob fucking Woodward have really taught her well.

Spence: "HEY HOLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW YA DOIN?!?!?!?!”

"oh you know.....waiting to see if my body will reject the kidney."

"......................"

Brian: Ah yes, Holly J is recovering in the hospital so Anya and Sav in a room with TWO of his exes. Bow chika wow wow. Mmm chick chick.

Spence: And as if the sexual tension couldn’t get thicker and more uncomfortable, Jake’s dad says: "IM A LEEEEEEEG MAN MWHAAHAHAHA." Are they going to even bother going upstairs? Or just have tantric sex on the table with the kids still there? Did they use the same wardrobe for Frumpy that they did for The Queen?

Brian: If my dad said that I’d just vomit. I’d vomit everywhere.

Spence: Everyone's response to Jake's Twitter joke- "what in the hell is a Twitter?"

Brian: I think Jake is actually 40. That’s the only explanation for that dad joke.

Spence: They totally faded immediately from Frumpy to Vince. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!! THEY ARE THE SAME!!!!!!!!!

Brian: Vince appears to be eating at some sort of tea lounge. He’s gangstah, but keeps it classy.

Spence: Good grief, Vince is the biggest scumbag alive. He needs to be eaten by wolves in day 2.

DAY 2

Brian: Jacoby seems to have fostered a truce with Vince but note to all kids planning on facing down a gangbanger: never tell him where you’re gonna be that night. It probably won’t end well.

Spence: Prom is great already! There is a chocolate fountain!!!!

Brian: I can’t believe Bianca can legally leave the house with a dress that short.

Spence: Woah, Adam doesn't beat around the bush

Brian: Yeah, he totally called Jacoby on the fact that he’ll probably get murdered.

Spence: Wow it looks like Jacoby is in the doghouse at his prom worse than i was when I *cut out for censorship*.

Brian: Its not censored when I read it, Spence. Please stop telling me that story....No one is impressed. Da hell did Jake’s dad mean by “most women are usually running behind?”

Spence: Hey! Look on the bright side....THEY HAVE A BASKET OF ROLLS!!!!

Brian: Eli saying “Moooore brrrreeeaad” like the “AH-YEEES?” guy from The Simpsons was hilarious. He should always talk like that.

Spence: DAMMIT SAV!!!! YOURE SCREWING THE POOCH BY FORGETTING THE CROWNS!!!!! Unless...IT’S A COVERUP FOR WHOOPIE!

Brian: Of course it’s a cover up for whoopee! HE’S SAV “THE BALLAH” BANDARI! Aw, Riley and Zane will be together at the same college. I hope Riley knows that Zane’s hair can never be tamed…

Spence: Katie is acting as hard as she possibly can to not kill Bianca. She can do it. And Owen looks like Donnie Brasco. But this pales in comparison to my slow dance at senior ball...on the side of a random road with “Love Story” playing out of my car speakers over the sound of the "no seatbelt" beeping noise.....we gave up after 70 seconds. You can't buy memories like that

Brian: Well, another successful prom. No one got stabbed, or shot, or…oh…oh nevermind.

Spence: At the school where they have metal detectors......they don't have a metal detector at prom?

Brian: The prom was off campus, remember, Spence? That’s how Sav’s brilliant make out plan came into action! God, it’s like you weren’t-OH JESUS ADAM GOT SHOT!

Spence: My sweet, sweet Adam.

Brian: My reaction to Adam getting shot.

Spence: I’d miss oh just refer to adam getting shot as "the incident." Why aren't they taking Adam being shot more seriously?

Brian: Because he was shot in the shoulder! The minor leagues of gunshot wounds. Jimmy got crippled, this is nothing. Also, She-JJJ rushes to Adam’s side saying she’s “taken classes.” Are there gunshot wound recovery classes at Degrassi High? The strangest thing in this episode is Ms. Oh and Sav make out and there’s no repercussions. Nothing. No “very special moment” that this show ALWAYS has. So, the moral here kids is you can hook up with your teacher if it’s just before and shortly after you graduate.

Next season, Degrassi apparently goes to Camp Crystal Lake. And I’m not joking. THANK GOD.

Degrassi: Week 4 Part 1

Kiiiiddddnnneeeeyyyysss?

Oh man, great first half of the week for Degrassi. There’s a brand new dance but I don’t know its name: it’s Degrassi fashion show time. Holly J is preparing for a big fashion show thing at or maybe she is holding drill practice for her Female Fascists Furies of Canada. She-JJJ is there and she continues to act like a robot. Holly J decides that she’s going to have to show everyone how to work because she’s the goon squad and she’s coming to town! Okay, I’ll stop the Bowie references now. While she’s strutting her stuff Holly J hurts her leg and goes down. Side note: I love how the promo edited Holly J hurting her leg to look like she straight up died. She’s not dead though, she has EXTREME DEHYDRATION! Holly J’s kidney problems have gotten worse, which is probably because Holly J had like a million symptoms of possibly dying and yet she did nothing. Good. Great. Good and great. Thank God she lives in HEALTHY CANADA!

Let me preface this next part of the recap by saying I actually like the character of Adam Torres. Maybe it’s because he is perpetually getting kicked around in the show while that jerk-off KC gets to just do whatever he wants and work at a steakhouse. God. I hate that guy. Anyway, it’s seems as if She-JJJ may have the hots for Adam. And if she breaks his heart I WILL BURN DOWN CANADA.

We find out in tonight’s episode that Immogen is auditioning for Eli’s play (by the way, the poster for the play is Eli's head photoshopped as a heart but it's crooked so one half of his skull looks like a bulbous tumor) as “Clara” who is totally not supposed to be Claire…that’d be silly. But Immogen is like that kid in your first grade class who always talked about his lunch and had to leave for half an hour a day to sit in that tiny class. Except she grew up…and turned into Canadian Juno. In order to get into character, Immogen is going full on Daniel Day Lewis by copying Claire in the lunchroom. I think the Canadian public schools really failed Immogen in not putting her in a special school…or by heavily medicating her.

Holly J finds out that she needs to get a kidney transplant, but no one in her direct family is the proper blood type. The doctor also sounded super happy about the fact that none of Holly J’s relatives had the right blood type. But he mom is pretty reassuring: “We’ll broaden our blood search: Aunts, uncles, cousins, the homeless!” But Holly J thinks it’s odd that no one in her family is the right blood type. I hope that Holly J was just willed into existence by her parents. Or made out of clay. She starts probing around and starts to realize all sorts of crazy differences between herself and her parents: “how about the fact that my dad is a male…and I’m a female?!?” My original theory was that Holly J’s mom is JT who didn’t actually die, but got a sex change after the attempt on his life to disguise himself, unfortunately, she was just adopted. But Holly J manages to track down her birth parents, and by Fiona’s math that means: “two new birth parents equals four possible kidneys. You could have, like, eleven kidneys!” So Holly J decides to track down her birth parents…and murder them. No? Alright, we’ll do it your way, writers.

Immogen does a disturbingly accurate Claire impression for the play audition which features this line of dialogue: “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART CLARA!” Really, Eli? We’re stealing from Tommy Wiseau now? And of course Eli makes the terrible mistake of actually casting this nut job in his play. Immogen will cut off his skin and wear it by the end of the season, I promise.

Holly J gets in touch with her birth mom and they decide to meet at The Dot after school. Man, how many important Degrassi events have occurred at the Dot? Is there nowhere else in Canada? Of course, Holly J doesn’t recognize her mom at first because she’s sitting with the kids she actually wanted. Holly J decides to not ask a single mom for a kidney, but Fiona has a look on her face that looks like she’s going to drug that woman and steal her kidney. The doctor tells Holly J not to give up hope, right after he told her that she should probably defer from going to Yale because of all the dialysis she’s going to need. So yeah, don’t give up hope, even though all your dreams are crushed becase…you know, hope!

Geez, I feel like I’m watching a horror/thriller every time Immogen is on screen. It’s like Canadian Single White Female. Anyway, Immogen gives Claire a coupon to Canada’s greatest stake house Little Miss Steaks so she can take Buck McHandsome, er, I mean Jake out to dinner. Of course she tries to ruin everything because she’s just so delightfully nutty by dragging Eli to Little Miss Steaks so he can see Claire on a date. Good thinking Immogen, this will totally get him to like you because he’s never shown any suicidal tendencies in the past. Ah. Wait. Not good. When he sees them together, Eli realizes he’s not over Claire and hires Jake to build sets for the play because, and I quote from Eli: “as the warrior poet Sun Tzu said: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Seriously, does his head ever come out from his own ass for air? The kid is gonna suffocate.

Holly J man’s up and tells her birth mom that she needs a kidney and she agrees to help. She gets tested and she’s a compatible donor! So everything is great and happy and all it’ll cost Holly J is 20,000 dollars. Yep. Her mom just asked her for 20,000 Canadian dollars for her organ. This better be some prime kidney.