6.30.2011

Cars 2 Review: “Why?”

pictured above: Pixar's Jar Jar Binks
by Spence Blazak

I have trust issues. I’ll be the first to admit it. But the things I do trust, I do so full heartedly, particularly in brands. I buy Orbit White Bubblemint in bulk and have chewed it passionately for 6 years. I don’t even taste it anymore, yet I still love it. Coca-Cola is another thing I trust. My only qualm with them over our 18 year relationship is that they didn’t invent Pepsi Blue. I love my movies, and I don’t trust many film makers or studios, with one of the exceptions being Pixar. No matter how much I gripe about Cars or Finding Nemo, Pixar has a nearly perfect track record. Every time they announce a movie I say something like, “An old man who has a flying house? Huh? This will finally be their first bomb.” Then I see it and spend the first half hour balling my eyes out, yelling “DON’T LOOK AT ME” to my friends.

I learned my lesson about doubting Pixar over the last few years, so when I heard they were making a sequel to their weakest movie, I decided not to worry, go see it, and take it for what it was. I did just that, and I had one of the worst animated films of all time slither down my eyestalks. I wish that they had complimentary lobotomies in the lobby so that I could have it erased from my mind. It would be worth the loss of my personality and memories. Even my dad has been depressed about its awfulness for three days. I HATED IT HATED IT HATED IT.

This movie is like trying to figure out why a bad sandwich is such. Its not one culprit but several: the turkey is ridden with ebola, the tomato is glowing, the mayonnaise tastes like a sock, and the bread is as hard as a prosthetic leg. Cars 2 is the perfect storm of bad movies. In years to come, the Ivy Leagues will have classes analyzing why it is truly the prototypical bomb.

For those of you not familiar with the first one, it follows dick racecar Lightining McQueen as he tries to win the championship, but he is a big doucher, gets trapped in a small town, then turns into a non-doucher. Standard fare. Now that I think about it, its the exact same plot as Thor......Anyway, its nothing special, but the thing that makes it hated by all viewers is the character of Mater. Its Larry the Cable Guy playing himself, and he is the Jar Jar Binks of the 21st Century. This time, Mater is the main character. Thats right. Two hours of jokes involving puns of the word “tow,” his stupid voice, and Mater shitting himself. I couldn’t make this up. The movie has so many jokes involving poop that I was surprised they didn’t give it an acting credit (imagine this last sentence being said in a Rodney Dangerfield voice). They take all the worst parts of the first one and put them at the forefront of the second. I’m as baffled as you are.

Another nail in the coffin of Cars 2 is the moral. Pixar movies are famous for never doing pretentiously heavy handed deeper meanings and for expressing things of value through their films. They never rush anything half baked to the theaters. Until June 24th, 2011. The moral of Cars 2 is basically “Its okay to be a self obsessed, lumbering idiot as long as its who you are, because in the end, you will get knighted.” I’m convinced that a Dreamworks mole who put a Jedi mind trick on all of Pixar’s higher-ups because that is the only possible explanation for this drivel getting into theaters across the globe.

Yet, I can’t give it a 0 star rating, for it has a few saving graces. For instance, some of the cars have grills that look like moustaches, which is very funny.....and thats all I can think of. I still can’t believe that this movie really happened. *Sigh*. If a 4 star movie is Up, Wall-e, and Monster’s Inc and a 1 star movie is The Land before Time XXX, I’ll give Cars 2 a whopping 1/2 out of 4 stars.

Commando: You Will Never Watch it the Same Way Again



Pictured: Obvious symbolism

by Brian Long

The best way to describe the movie Commando for the uninitiated would be to paraphrase Lucy VanPelt of Peanuts in saying "of all the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies in the world, it's the Arnold Schwarzeneggerist." This movie has every cliché you'd expect in one of Arnold's movies: hilarious one-liners (including the classic "remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied"), amateur henchmen, guns that apparently never run out of bullets and a gay single father trying to protect his daughter from the prejudices of the world and come to terms with his own sexuality. What? It does.

Commando's basic plot is pretty straightforward: Schwarzenegger plays former Special Forces operative John Matrix whose daughter, Jenny, is kidnapped by Arius, the ousted dictator of the fictional "one Hispanic country fits all" Val Verde. In order to get his daughter back he'll have to assassinate the current president of Val Verde (because they're friends? Or something?) and he must do it all in ELEVEN HOURS. Teamed up with the desperate despot is a former member of Matrix's Special Forces team, Bennett, who has won the U.S. Army's Freddie Mercury look-alike award for the past three years.

Plenty has been written in the past about the gay subtext of Commando but I'm going to take it a step further and say that the entire film is also a criticism of the policy of keeping openly gay men and women out of the military, as well as a criticism of a society that makes gay men and women feel as though they must stay closeted for the sake of maintaining careers and protecting family from scorn. Let's take a look at the breakdown:

1. My One Dad

Let's start with the absence of a mother figure in Jenny Matrix's life. Single fathers are nothing new in the world of film, but we don't even get a clue as to how John Matrix ended up as a single father. No throwaway lines about Jenny spending the weekends at her mom's house, or a boring monologue about Jenny's mom dying in a boat accident or some such nonsense. This suggests that Matrix more than likely adopted Jenny just before he left the military. No doubt that Matrix, a perpetual bachelor, suddenly adopting a young girl out of the blue might have raised some eyebrows with the upper brass. It's not absurd to think that the military would kick out a solider for any "suspicious" gay behavior in their personal lives. Consider the 1997 case of Timothy McVeigh who found himself at the nebulous end of the "don't ask, don't tell" laws when his private AOL account was discovered. The account listed his marital status as "gay" which led to the officer being reassigned and eventually dismissed entirely from the Navy (Source: The Advocate November 12, 2002). Wishing to avoid a similar fate, Matrix no doubt left the military on his own terms and decided to live in seclusion with Jenny to protect her from the prejudices that she would face from having a gay father.

Life seems perfect for Matrix and Jenny, until the past comes back to haunt Matrix in the form of Arius. Arius and his lackeys represent not only the literal past left behind, but the pressures of society to conform the heterosexual "normal" lifestyle. By taking away his daughter, they take away a young girl from a gay father, something that their bigoted society views as "warped" and "wrong." Matrix must once again become a tool for a militaristic organization that refuses to let him live peacefully.

2. Rae Dawn Chong?!?

Every action movie has its obligatory female character; it's the only thing that keeps every person like me with an English degree and too much time on their hands from writing a queer theory analysis of them. Commando's obligatory female is the flight attendant Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong) who ranks about a 6 on the Willie Scott scale of annoying sidekicks. And like all obligatory females is there strictly to be eye candy.

What's important to note is that Commando subverts the trope of the male lead becoming romantically involved with the female lead simply because she's there in this crazy situation. It's something that never makes any logical sense in the narrative of an action film, and it's somewhat impressive that Commando avoids it but let's face it, the people behind this film probably weren't thinking that deeply. To me, it simply cements the fact that John Matrix is gay and Cindy simply just doesn't have anything he's looking for.

3. Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The only clue we get to Matrix's past in the military is the character of Bennett, who, as I mentioned above, shares a strong resemblance to Freddy Mercury. Although the character is simply a top hat and cape away from being a full on cartoon villain, Matrix mentions that at one time him and Bennett were best friends until Matrix had him "kicked out of the unit." Much of the "Commando is gay" theory comes from Bennett's appearance which includes the aforementioned Freddie Mercury mustache, chainmail for some reason, and tight leather pants.

We never discover just what it was that Bennett did to get himself kicked out of Matrix's unit, but there is a clue that comes very early on in the movie. In the opening scene Matrix makes a joke about pop singer Boy George to his daughter about how he should change his name to "Girl George; it would cut down on all the confusion." This dialogue suggests that perhaps Matrix has an element of self-loathing about his homosexuality. It would explain why he keeps himself so secluded and hasn't taken on a partner despite the challenges of raising a young girl alone. These insecurities point to a possible reason as to why Bennett was kicked out. Perhaps Bennett and Matrix became close, too close for John to feel comfortable and outed Bennett to his higher ups as being gay, getting him kicked out of the unit. There's plenty to point to that suggests that Bennett and Matrix had a relationship deeper than friendship. For example, this line:
"I really love listening to your little piss-head soldiers trying to talk tough. They make me laugh. If Matrix was here, he'd laugh too." The part of the quote in bold is delivered by Bennett with a sigh, as if he was a love sick teenager.

And of course, we have this exchange during the final showdown between Matrix and Bennett that carries some strange sadomasochistic tension between the two men:

Matrix: Come on Bennett, throw away that chicken shit gun, you don't just want to pull the trigger, you want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see what's going on in there when you turn it, that's what you want to do, right?

Bennett: I can kill you John!

Matrix: Come on, let the girl go, just between you and me, don't deprive yourself of some pleasure, come on Bennett, let's party!

Shortly after this exchange, Matrix kills Bennett with a huge honking phallic symbol that'd make Sigmund Freud blush.

4. "Until the next time…" "No chance."

With his ex-lover plus 95 other people (not an exaggeration) dead and his daughter safe and secure, Matrix departs from Generic Evil Hideout Island #54C leaving behind for General Kirby "just bodies." Before Matrix can depart though, the General can't help but make one last attempt at getting his star soldier back into the fighting fray. He asks Matrix to come back, and this exchange follows:

Gen. Kirby: I'd just like you to start up your unit again, John. All it would take is your coming back

Matrix: This was the last time.

Gen. Kirby: Until the next time.

[pause]

Matrix: No chance

Matrix has realized that the life of his daughter and the acceptance of his lifestyle are far more important than a career that would make him hide his true self. You will never watch Commando the same way again.

6.28.2011

Midnight in Paris Review



By Spence Blazak

There are only three things in this world that make me salivate: a freshly poured Shamrock Shake, remembering that there is going to be a film version of The Hobbit, and a Woody Allen movie that doesn't suck. Yes. I worded that exactly the way I wanted to. I'm not even asking for a good one, since ones that are even watchable are about as rare as Mike Tyson sightings in Brick, New Jersey anyway. And asking for a great one? HA! Might as well walk into a Long John Silver's and order a Big Mac. Yet Midnight in Paris, by some divine intervention, is really and truly a great Woody Allen movie. Maybe even an excellent one. Perfect? No. But it is not every day a solid Woody Allen movie comes along, so this is worth taking note.

Allen's newest film is a comedy following Hollywood screenwriter Gil Pender (played with surprising brilliance by Owen Wilson) who is on vacation in France with his fiancée (played by a very Notebook-esque Rachel McAdams). Gil aspires to write "the great American novel" and thinks that if he was around in the Paris of the 1920's, he would have had a more productive career and been a happier person. Then the plot takes a surprise twist and dives into the genre of fantasy. I won't ruin the twist, mainly because I want to keep my word count down with this review, but it creates an unbelievably satisfying movie.

It has all the perfect elements of a great Allen film: quick dialogue, intellectual mullings, old school cinematography and camera work, pitch perfect soundtrack, hilarious snobby characters, Kathy Bates popping into the plot half way through, and a good Woody Allen. By this last one, I mean a good performance as the Woody Allen part. I'll explain. Allen writes himself into almost every script he has ever written. Whenever he is in his own movie, he plays himself. It's okay though, because that's why we love him. But once he got too old to play young parts, he never changed the way he wrote them. Scarlett Johansen, John Cusack, Mia Farrow, that tool from American Pie, Larry David, and Will Ferrel all played the part of Woody Allen when they were in his movies. This time, it was Owen Wilson's turn, and he does it with pure awesomeness. I never realized how funny he or his voice was until he says the line "Wellllll, I do like champaaaain," in that semi-Texas twang of his (keep an eye out for this). He gained my respect back that he lost for doing Shanghai Knights. My only real gripe with the movie is that it just needed a little bit more between the lines stuff. I know I sound like a snob, and I am, but check it out and you'll see what I mean. Without giving anything away, it just needed a little….more.

The recent onslaught of terrible movies on the local cinema has been like the evil Huns in Mulan attacking the humble villages of China. Every time we get excited to go see a new movie, the film industry (metaphorically) burns down our rice paddies and pillages our homes by throwing something at us like Tyler Perry Presents Big Momma's House 35. Midnight in Paris is the savior at the bottom of the mountain. Just when it seems like the Huns will take over China, a talking dragon lights off fireworks that kill all the Huns! Huzzah! (Yes. That is the actual ending of Mulan.) Forgive my extended metaphor, but this talking dragon is Midnight in Paris. It's a God send for moviegoers. With 4 stars being Crimes and Misdemeanors/Annie Hall and 1 star being any Allen movie made after the year 2000 that doesn't rhyme with Smatch Shmoint. 3 ½ stars out of 4.

6.26.2011

Was the Zach Galifianakis Cover Story In Rolling Stone Written by God?

by Spence Blazak

I know this isn’t exactly a movie, but it kind of sort of has to do with movies and I’m the one with the blog SO SHUT UP. This also isn’t as much a review as it is a recommendation. I just wanted to take a minute to do a quick piece on one of the greatest bits of journalism I’ve ever read: The Zach Galifianakis cover story from the mid-June issue of Rolling Stone. I know it seems like I frequently toss around the prepositional phrase “of all time” (usually preceded by things like “that talking cat is the funniest thing” or “Cheap Trick is the best crappy band”) and frankly, thats because I do. Nevertheless, it just might be one of the funniest articles.....of all time.

The article is a character profile of Galifianakis, one of the best comics of our time. It starts off with a few forays into the real Galifianakis, whose humor lies in his dead pan expression as he says phrases taut with anti-humor (“I was looking for a place to sleep this week, and my friend told me I could crash on her futon. I said that I had a rule to never sleep on anything that rhymes with crouton.”) or horribly hilarious insults to people he doesn’t know (he says to Bruce Willis, “When you were making The Whole Ten Yards.....were you ever worried that it would be too good?”).

With these traits alone, it makes no sense that this guy could be likable, and yet somehow he is. The article captures how Galifianakis gets away with being this way through his child-like charm, and it reveals his persona in brilliant fashion. I’ve always been intrigued by the breakdown of celebrity psyches (my favorite examples of Stone’s in depth profiles were on Michael Cera, Ke$ha, and Jeff Bridges [they almost make up for the two decades of haughty crappiness that plagues the other sections of the magazine AM I RIGHT?!]), and this one is enthralling.

The article is peppered with some of Galifianakis’s best shtick, including a racist joke so funny that I shot coffee from my nose....and I was drinking Mountain Dew (if I typed it here, I would completely ostracize 90% of the blogs meager fan base), and a side-splitting story from Hangover co-star Bradley Cooper. When his longtime girlfriend broke up with him, Cooper called up Galifianakis to break him the news and hoped for some consoling words. All Galifianakis says is, “Oh. Did she see Limitless?”

The article is truly solid gold. I took a week to read it just so I could make it last longer. When I finally got to the last page, the article completely changes tone. The serious side of Galifianakis is portrayed in a Holden Caulfield-esque vein that takes the article from a 10 to an 11 (on the scale of 1 to 10). I don’t want to ruin too much, even though I already have, but seriously, read this article if you enjoy things that are comical or just plain good. 4 out of 4 stars.

Green Lantern Review: Stop whining. You have a magic ring, Blake Lively, and killer abs…what? He does

by Brian Long

Yes true believers; it’s the summer of the superhero. This year we have four (count ‘em: FOUR) superhero films. One of which is DC’s attempt to show the world that there’s more to them than just Batman, which brings us to Green Lantern. I’ve always believed that the worst thing in the world is wasted potential, and that’s exactly what this movie serves up for its audience. It’s a shame because it’s clear that director Martin Campbell (who brought James Bond back from invisible car purgatory with Casino Royale) had a strong vision for the world of the Green Lantern, Ryan Reynolds does a fair job playing cocky Hal Jordan who gets his higher calling from the dying Abin Sur (Temuera Morrison-Hey! Jango Fett!) to join the ancient peace keepers the Green Lantern. The film nails the huge scope of the Green Lantern mythos. The Green Lantern home planet of Oa, as well as its thousands of alien members is rendered in glorious CGI along with some impressively creative constructs coming from each members ring. Whenever the movie embraces its space opera and comic book elements it shines. And then the rest of the movie happens.

When Hal is out of costume he’s a bit of a jerk off, kind whiny, and frankly unlikable. While the Hal Jordan of the comics has always had a Maverick from Top Gun swagger, he always balanced that with an ability to back up his boasts with a “never give up, never take shit” attitude. Compare this to Movie Hal Jordan who quits the Green Lantern Corps because the training is hard and Sinestro (a painfully underused Mark Strong) is mean to him. This all takes place after being on Oa for a whopping ten minutes.

The screenplay stunk of an attempt to emulate the Marvel comic formula of jerk turned good (Iron Man and last month’s Thor) but fails because the jerk in question lacks any charm or any sign of heroism until the final moments of the film. This has frequently been the problem of adapting DC versus characters to film. Writers are often trying to find ways to make the heroes “relatable” without realizing that, frankly, DC characters aren’t supposed to be relatable. When Stan Lee created the core characters of the Marvel universe he set out to create a pantheon of heroes that people could see themselves in; Spider-Man has money and girl troubles, the X-Men are hated by society, the Hulk has a literal emotional demon lurking inside of him. Marvel characters are who we are, while DC characters are who we wish to be.

Take 2006’s Superman Returns, in order to make Superman more “relatable” the film features Superman’s illegitimate child and Lois Lane not giving him the time of day. Which leaves us with a Superman who mopes around, stalks Lois and doesn’t do anything, well, Super. Contrast that with Nolan’s Batman films. Hey, Green Lantern, Superman, you know who has problems? Batman. You know what happened to him last movie? The woman he loved got blown up. BLOWN. UP. You know what he did after that? He put on his cape and kicked the bad guy’s ass. It’s that indomitable spirit that has made superheroes into our new mythology and when that is taken away it can completely destroy a film.

This review turned into a bit of a tangent, so lemme slap a star rating on this and give it 2 out of four stars. There’s definitely half of a good movie here, but not enough for people who aren’t huge Green Lantern fans to feel really satisfied with.


6.23.2011

Bridesmaids Review

Lets face it. Most movies these days are about as entertaining as watching my cat drag its butt across the kitchen floor. You can’t do much about it except hope that you’ll catch the few good ones when they come around. The problem is that I love movies, so I will frequently go to the theater even if it is to see some hellish piece of cinema like Blood Red Blood 6 in 3D. Its like having your favorite food be pork roll, and being trapped for eternity in a restaurant that gives you every type of pig related food that isn’t pork roll, but I digress.

I decided to see Bridesmaids the other day. Its been out for a few weeks, has gotten generally positive feedback, and has Judd Appatow’s (the patron saint of irreverent comedy) holy name on it, so I figured how bad could it be? Its not that it was a terrible movie...it just wasn’t good.

Written by and starring the SNL veteran Kristen Wiig, the movie follows her character as she prepares for her best friend’s wedding. Simple enough. Wiig made the movie to showcase the talents of female comedians in a predominantly male industry, but after the first half hour of the movie, you realize that they are just trying too hard to not use males. This is the first roadblock that the movie runs into. Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame provides the funniest performance of the movie, but he only appears briefly three times. It just doesn’t feel natural. The creators tried so hard to stick with the “oh man! So many broads!” gimmick that they turn their back on many funnier roads that the plot could have turned onto.

Another fault that the film faces is trying to cram in eight gagillion characters. Film critic Joel Siegel once said something about how the more main characters there are, the likelier a movie is to suck. For instance, Hamlet is about as good as it gets and has 7 main characters. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 has about 11. Bridesmaids crams undeveloped characters down the audiences throat like the waiters at Sonic do with tater tots on Free Tot Day. After the first few cartons, all you can taste is grease.

It does have a few saving graces though. Despite the movie’s flaws, Kristen Wiig carries the movie very well. The main objective of a movie star is to not be loathed by film goers (I’ve always wondered how Cameron Diaz or Rob Schneider get jobs. Seriously, is there anyone who likes these schmucks?), and Wiig accomplishes that and then some. The easy jokes are also pulled off very well. Unexpected bouts of cursing, funny faces, animal humor, and slapstick all get check pluses. This increases its watchability factor from a level of “dung beetles mating” to “well...at least I didn’t have to see any dung beetles mating.”

Overall, Bridesmaids is a chuckle filled movie, but not much more. The way it awkwardly tries to put a heart at the story’s center half way through the movie is akin to Dr. Frankenstein slapping a serial killer’s brain into his monster’s cranium. I’d recommend it for a year-and-a-half from now when Shotime gets the rights to it and strips it 24/7, and you have nothing better to do.

Now I’ll explain the way I rate movies. You have to compare them to things they are similar to. For instance, I would call both The Godfather and Caddyshack four-star movies, but they are both in a completely different league. Its like comparing tiramisu and the McDonald’s Shamrock Shake. Two different takes on perfection. So if we say that Forgetting Sara Marshall is a 4-star adult comedy and Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj is a 1-star, Bridesmaids comes in at 2-stars.

2 out of 4 stars