Cars 2 Review: “Why?”

pictured above: Pixar's Jar Jar Binks

by Spence Blazak

I have trust issues. I’ll be the first to admit it. But the things I do trust, I do so full heartedly, particularly in brands. I buy Orbit White Bubblemint in bulk and have chewed it passionately for 6 years. I don’t even taste it anymore, yet I still love it. Coca-Cola is another thing I trust. My only qualm with them over our 18 year relationship is that they didn’t invent Pepsi Blue. I love my movies, and I don’t trust many film makers or studios, with one of the exceptions being Pixar. No matter how much I gripe about Cars or Finding Nemo, Pixar has a nearly perfect track record. Every time they announce a movie I say something like, “An old man who has a flying house? Huh? This will finally be their first bomb.” Then I see it and spend the first half hour balling my eyes out, yelling “DON’T LOOK AT ME” to my friends.

I learned my lesson about doubting Pixar over the last few years, so when I heard they were making a sequel to their weakest movie, I decided not to worry, go see it, and take it for what it was. I did just that, and I had one of the worst animated films of all time slither down my eyestalks. I wish that they had complimentary lobotomies in the lobby so that I could have it erased from my mind. It would be worth the loss of my personality and memories. Even my dad has been depressed about its awfulness for three days. I HATED IT HATED IT HATED IT.

This movie is like trying to figure out why a bad sandwich is such. Its not one culprit but several: the turkey is ridden with ebola, the tomato is glowing, the mayonnaise tastes like a sock, and the bread is as hard as a prosthetic leg. Cars 2 is the perfect storm of bad movies. In years to come, the Ivy Leagues will have classes analyzing why it is truly the prototypical bomb.

For those of you not familiar with the first one, it follows dick racecar Lightining McQueen as he tries to win the championship, but he is a big doucher, gets trapped in a small town, then turns into a non-doucher. Standard fare. Now that I think about it, its the exact same plot as Thor......Anyway, its nothing special, but the thing that makes it hated by all viewers is the character of Mater. Its Larry the Cable Guy playing himself, and he is the Jar Jar Binks of the 21st Century. This time, Mater is the main character. Thats right. Two hours of jokes involving puns of the word “tow,” his stupid voice, and Mater shitting himself. I couldn’t make this up. The movie has so many jokes involving poop that I was surprised they didn’t give it an acting credit (imagine this last sentence being said in a Rodney Dangerfield voice). They take all the worst parts of the first one and put them at the forefront of the second. I’m as baffled as you are.

Another nail in the coffin of Cars 2 is the moral. Pixar movies are famous for never doing pretentiously heavy handed deeper meanings and for expressing things of value through their films. They never rush anything half baked to the theaters. Until June 24th, 2011. The moral of Cars 2 is basically “Its okay to be a self obsessed, lumbering idiot as long as its who you are, because in the end, you will get knighted.” I’m convinced that a Dreamworks mole who put a Jedi mind trick on all of Pixar’s higher-ups because that is the only possible explanation for this drivel getting into theaters across the globe.

Yet, I can’t give it a 0 star rating, for it has a few saving graces. For instance, some of the cars have grills that look like moustaches, which is very funny.....and thats all I can think of. I still can’t believe that this movie really happened. *Sigh*. If a 4 star movie is Up, Wall-e, and Monster’s Inc and a 1 star movie is The Land before Time XXX, I’ll give Cars 2 a whopping 1/2 out of 4 stars.