Degrassi: Nowhere To Run Series Premiere w/ Spence and Brian!

By Brian Long and Spence Blazak

Link to the entire episode

A new season of Degrassi means one thing……..Brian and Spence can finally find happiness again. Here is a little breakdown of where we stand: Degrassi High School is in the suburbs of Toronto. Every. Single. Bad. Thing. That can happen, does happen. Our cast of characters is as follows:

Drew aka Jacoby- star athlete, used to be hunted by a gang, ladies man. Looks like Red Sox center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury

Bianca- Ho fo sho.

Claire aka Frumpy- Emotional

Marisol aka Aerosol- Really annoying, home wrecker, somehow finds KC attractive

Katie aka she JJJ- editor in chief of the school paper. Our nickname is an homage to Spiderman's beloved editor in chief, J. Jonah Jameson

Eli- Frumpy's ex. Crazy. Drives hearse. Wears black. Is a hoarder.

KC- He just sucks. And looks like Justin Bieber, but tall and sad.

Jenna- Had KC's baby. Gave it up "to do clubs and see her friends again."

Jake- Claire's ex boyfriend who happens to be the son of her mom's fiancé……..so stupid. And i think he was the guy from the "You Belong with Me" music video. We will have our people check on that.

Ali- Indian, sassy, ho fo sho

Dave- Tiny, poser, no personality

Spence: Alright, lets go. "I've been working at a camp this summer"-Jake. HOW GHETTO......are they seriously about to check the closet for a monster? 20 dollars says its Mike Wazowski.

Brian: Oh shit Claire's (Frumpy's) mom is getting married TOMORROW.

S: "Don't say yes, run away now, ILL MEET YOU IN AN HOUR IN A CHURCH AT THE BACK DOOR!"

B: God, I missed the exposition heavy conversations of this show

S: In case you were wondering….. -Taylor Swift, "Speak Now"

B: I love the horror movie shaky cam being used, someone just graduated from Toronto Film School!

S: And Degrassi is officially 17 days late with a Halloween episode......i guess Canada networks have to deal with jetlag

B: I think Canadian Halloween is American Thanksgiving. Thank God incest will be a part of Degrassi again, been getting bored without Declan and Fiona around.

S: And is Frump Master Flex EVER going to find a man who treats her right? Ah well.....until she does, THIS one will live with her! She is living with her ex.......this is ridiculous. Its almost like.....a plot for Degrassi.

B: I love the secret box of roses, and by love, I mean I think I puked a bit

S: I see the preview now…."this week on Degrassi, Luke learns......EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN"

B: This conversation with Drew (Jacoby) and Katie (She-JJJ) is four pages of exposition.

S:"Besides this is.....fun"-Katie. That was said with as much conviction as when my therapist said I was cool.

B: Seriously, you can't preface three episodes worth of recap with "YOU KNOW THAT..."

S: Jacoby is getting ready for the AL MVP announcement tomorrow.....and getting ready by slicing Degrassi posters.....

B: and as if things weren't wacky enough here comes Skankzilla!

S:"NOW SLICE!!!!!!" I feel like she should have said that with a whip and a mint julep in her hands.

B: Spence, YOU KNOW she's been helping out at Jacoby's dad's office. And is Blair Witch really vintage now?

Am I 80 years old?

S:could she have eaten that apple any sluttier?

No.

The answer is no.

B: "I...I feel pretty" said with as much conviction as Spence's therapist

B: hahahahahahaha

I thought Bandari compared her relationship with dave to the palestine/isreali conflict

S: Frump Meister looks like that episode of sesame street when Elmo tried on Zoey's dress.

B: Mostly the Elmo part. Hey dad, stop encouraging your son's incest. "The power of love, from the letter of Huey Lewis to The News"

S:......…Mrs Frump/Rogue from Xmen looks like the runaway bride.

S:"IM SORRY MY PROBLEMS ARE SO INSIGNIFICANT CLAIR! I HAVE HERPES, DID I MENTION THAT?"-Ali

B: Dave totally slept with nacho girl.

S: Remember that one time Dave called her a "giraffe" on date one? That was worse than on my first date that one time where I went in for a hug and was denied. True story…….. Easy on the lip gloss sweetie! This is a wedding, NOT A FUNERAL!

S:Ah the wedding Bible verse. Corinthians.....its always Corinthians.

S: Fucking love man, ill tell you what love is........here..…. And Dave looks like Carlton from fresh prince with that shirt on.

B: Dave looks like an inbred Pharrel. Is that how you spell his name? Jesus, I'm 80...

S:.....who are you even talking about......

B: Who sings drop it like it's hot?

S:.....snoop dogg?

B: Fuck...I'm 80

S: Principal Simpson storms into the wedding "I OBJEEEEEECT!!!!! THE PRIEST IS A FRAUD!"

Jake says,"when i was at the cabin, i did a lot of thinking,,,,,,,"

No.

No.

No you didn't.

Bon Iver did that AND WROTE A FUCKING BEST SELLING ALBUM ALONE WHILE HE HAD MONO. You just slit your wrists and drank travelers club mixed with grape drank and listened to Taylor Swift!!!!......oh wait that was me.

B: I'm never leaving you alone at my cabin again.

JJJJJAAAAAKKKE MAAAARTTIIIIIN

Bandari has been at the Dot for the length of an entire wedding

that's at least four hours

CABIN PARTAAAAAY!!!!

S:".....you have a cabin? thats hot" I WONDER HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT BUNGALOWS!!!!

and eli just called his daily bike ride "a shvitz". I'm 90 percent sure that that is what Ryan Gosling calls his willy in Crazy Stupid Love. I mean.....thats what I've heard.

B: I can't tell where Eli's bike helmet ends and his hair begins

S:THERE AINT NO PARTY LIKE A CABIN PARTY!

B:THERE'S A PARTY AT JAKES CABIN?!?!?!

S: OF COURSE NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THE COOL CABIN PARTY!!!!!! FUCK ME AND MY RED DRESS!!!!

Wait a second……Bianca has revealed that cabin's... equal.....kissing? has that proof been tested?

ill be right back, brian......i have to............

.........

..........

.........

.........

………

………

………

......pick something up from the cabin

B: Oh, uh, yeah, right, sure.

wait, are you leaving or is this a bit?

S: A bit

B:

haha

B: Yeah cabins is to kissing as merosal is to HUGE skank

S: Who let aerosol take her shirt off? And when aerosol says, "NO BUG SPRAY!?!??!?! WE HAVE TO GO BAAAAAACK!" she looks like Jack on Lost. Beard and all.

B: Oh man, this is the murderiest cabin I've ever seen.

Jake Martin, you are DA MAN!

oh my god, Mersoal, you've been here five seconds

S: I'm listening to this on my headphones, and the foley artists WORKED OVER TIME ON THAT MOSQUITO SOUND EFFECT! WELL DONE BOYS! I CAN TASTE THE DAYTIME CANADA EMMY ALREADY!

B: How long do you think they worked on that clue joke?

S: "I'm bored, lets go do something a little more exciting."-Katie. That translates to "THIS IS BORING, LETS FUCK".

best degrassi implied quote ever.

B: Leave it too Jake to pick the murder cabin

S: No tv=intercourse. Elementary my dear Brian.

B: Merosal seems to not have a strong grasp of what camping is.

S: Bianca just said the word "wack" for the first time since.......i....i don't even have a joke for this one. I'm too appalled.

B: Bianca apparently became a cartographer AND a cinephile over the summer

S: Look out ponce de leon!

B:and Leonard Maltin!

S: HAHAHAHA i forgot he was a thing....and by thing, i mean human being.Oh man, Katie is covered in blood and crying in the closet. Hey wait a second…..........THEYRE FUCKING WITH HER!!!!

I KNEW IT!!!!!!

B: Bandari, you're surronded by woods and all the kindling you could find was a FUCKING STICK.

I hope she gets eaten by wolves

S: They're going to eat those marshmallows first! "I'm more of a light it on fire then blow it out girl"-Ali. Yeah. You and every broad in canada, Sister.

B: Man, Bandari gets around. This is seriously her 20th boyfriend on this show. Shut up, Bianca, didn't you give Jacoby a blow job in the boiler room? Are you getting the security deposit back on that glass house that you've THROWN STONES IN?

S: Johnny Demarco will forever be number one ex boyfriend. He sent her sext out, gave her herpes, AND THEN BROKE UP WITH HER ALL IN THE SAME WEEK. LIKE A BOSS

B: "Can someone slap Merosal in the mouth? Thank you!"

S: "The woods are dense around here, you could get lost if you don't know your way around"-okay, WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE!?!?!?!? AM I RIGHT!?!?!?!

B:Is Bianca auditioning for Scream 5?

S: There was a Scream 4.

B: I hope Eli rides up on his bike right now.

S: Calling it now: his helmet is the killer.

B:It's controlling him

S: Katie says, "Sit still and I'll make you some herbal tea*"

*date raped jungle juice

B: "Why won't Claire think about meeeeeee???"

S: "Usually when girls talk, they say one thing and mean another"-Jacoby. Wait...........thats the secret I've been looking for all along.............so many wasted years……And i just realized how much creepier this whole thing with Bianca is when you think that she killed a man with a brick.

B: is Merosal smoking weed?!?!?!

hahahahahaha

what is going oooooooon?

why are they hot boxing the tool shed?

S: Aerosol is faking it.

B: Contact high. The silent killer

S: "you're a terrible friend when your high"

what? Is she Patrick fucking Star when she is sober?

SHE TOLD THE SCHOOL YOU WERE BULIMIC TO WIN CLASS TREASURER.

B: Is that all the lesson learning about drugs we're going to get? Degrassi's really phoning it in. And Eli's response to how he got to the cabin: "I took the bus, you know, the forest bus"

S: or he took.....TORTORO! THE FLYING CAT BUS!

B: Yes she-JJJ, it's exactly like a hot box...because you hot boxed it

"look they're engraved...one ring to rule them all...one ring to find them..."

S: I don't think aerosol smoked weed........i think she smoked human blood.

B: Yeah, no one is this stupid when they're high. Yeah Claire, you should be thrilled the guy who crashed a car for you found you alone in the woods. Fucking thrilled. Pleased as punch

S: This sucks why didn't anyone die yet

B: A shitty wooden door shouldn't be this hard to break out of

S:...…..she JJJ has had those safety goggles on for 3 minutes too long

Thank god Jacoby didn't see her in those.....

B: Bianca's references are gradually getting more obscure "you guys went Suspiria on that tool shed!"

S: "i feel like I'm watching Thankskilling with you guys!"

B: I really hope this episode ends with Mo bursting through the door with a boom box shouting HAPPY THANKSGIVING BITCHES!

S: Boom box? or a rocket launcher?

B: Why not both?

S: Marry me

B: People say I look young too. Uh oh Merosal got da munchaies. On the weed Jacoby, on the weed

S: I'm hoping that it is Holly J's fat asian boss from little miss steaks banging on the door. Or kermit the frog

B: It's the only logical thing to happen at this point

S: Commercial break. I'm enjoying the trailer for the muppets. haha the alcoholic dog is funny

S: party? what the hell kind of party has no beer?

B: Claire's parents arrive and they totally ruined their fuck party.

S: "BUT THE RIIIIIIIIIIINGS!"- she sounds like the witch king of angmar

B: why couldn't they "enjoy their honeymoon"

S: Jake has the same shirt on that he had last night. What a fucking pig.

THIS ISNT NAM

THERE ARE RULES

B: "the only thing about teens in cabin...is the teens!!!" womp womp wompidy woooooomp

S:Why does ali's life suck SO BAD. WHAT KIND OF A HORRIBLE WORLD IS THIS WHERE PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

B:Better question: what eeeees sexting?

S: How does Ali continually ruin her life? and I want a rundown and blog post coverage on the alleged science camp that she went to on my desk by 3 o'clock.

B: CANADIAN science. Which, if comics have taught me anything, involves grafting adimantium onto mutan skeletons

S: Whoever let Frump wear that top should be drawn and quartered

S: Wow what an ending with Frump and Jake being separated by a wall between their bedrooms. Thats a metaphorical symbol of my life as well......having a wall separate me and the person i love. That one is a shout out to you, Joe in room 104

B: I can't believe Degrassi is actually going through with an incest plotline...it's like they've been reading our blog posts. Whoa, that was a lot of Frumpy cleavage

S: My reaction to the "frump-age" you speak of .……here.......

Drake Grows a Pair: "Take Care" Album Review

By Spence Blazak

I remember the first time I ever heard Drake. I hated it. It was his first single "The Best I Ever Had." Then I saw a picture of him and realized it was the beloved Wheelchair Jimmy from Degrassi, so I gave it another try. It was a masterpiece of modern camp-rap, as I like to call it. It was hilariously bad, and great driving music. My favorite line of the song is "sweatpants, hair tied, chillen with no makeup on, thats when you're the prettiest, I hope that you don't take it wrong." I found it comical, and said it to the girl I was together with at the time. She told me to go fuck myself. That basically sums up my relationship with Drake.

I then begrudgingly listened to his debut album "Thank Me Later" when it came out, and thought I was being Punk'd. He was parodying himself and he had only been around for maybe a year. I guess you could have called it potential (like Hova did), but I wasn't buying into him. I was already ramping up to see him back on Degrassi for the Boilling Point 4-Hour season opener. As B-Rabbit said in 8 Mile, he was destined to figuratively "walk his white ass back across 8 mile"…with "8 Mile" being "the Canadian border" in this case.

For me, he sealed his fate as a one hit wonder when he said in his LeBron James propaganda/ song "Forever" that he was the "greatest ever." Alright buddy. You've released one crap album. Hold your horses. Only Kanye is allowed to get away with being that big of a d-bag because he can back it up. I've always hated cockiness. I've still never forgiven LeBron for saying in an interview that he had "forgotten how to miss." Drake was dead to me.

That three paragraph long intro was completely necessary in showing my initial bias going into this album. I was ready to hate it and just spend this article making Wheelchair Jimmy jokes, but then it caught me off guard and bowled me over. "Take Care" is a great album and shows that Drake is finally living up to that once allusive potential and hype surrounding him.

Most rap LPs go in one ear and out the other because it is a genre plagued by "white noise albums". Rappers come and go. They rap about the same things over and over. They're poorly produced and probably mixed on a PC with Windows 97. The rhymes are laughable. But this is where Drake breaks free. He basically made a concept album on how he is failing at coping with fame. He is in the limelight life, one that is filled with loneliness, empty relationships, and materialistic compensation. Blowing money on gold chains and gallons of Petrone doesn't even give him fleeting happiness, he does it because its just a thing to do. He doesn't know any other way.

Drake is miserable.

This time around, his actual rapping and flow is completely revamped. I once saw a comedian who summed up Drake's style much better than I ever could: "Drake basically says a stupid phrase, then stops….and shouts a groan worthy rhyming word. For instance, he might say 'In the club err day, they let me right on through. I got so much swag they pull the alarm…….code red: MOUNTAIN DEW'." This Drake is a thing of the past. Now he is faster, smoother, and raps about the specific things he is feeling, not just cliched action (having sex, being tough, and smoking weed.) That isn't to say that Drake doesn't rap about those things, but he adds that in for a purpose.

The album opens with "Over My Dead Body," a slick opener where Drake shows that he has changed. The song is meant to bring you into a world he has created that resides between the first and last track. He is depressed, but won't actually say it. He's been disillusioned by this life style, and all he wants is to find someone who loves him not for his status.

In "Shot for Me" and "Headlines", we start to realize that Drake is directly addressing a girl who he used to love back when he was in Toronto. He wants her back even though she destroyed him. He wants to go back to the time when he could go out and be himself without the paranoia that everyone he knows (especially women) was just using him for his money. He just wants to be loved, but since that isn't working out, he goes out, throws his money in the street, and bangs strippers, thus causing him to hate himself. On top of this, he raps about how everyone will hate his new, morose sound, but that he doesn't care. A far cry from "like a sprained ankle, boy I ain't nothing to play with," right? He's a few pegs above rock bottom.

As the album progresses, Drake begins to flesh out his emotional state more and more. In some weird way, it is exactly like a Taylor Swift album. This album is an honest look into his life, his journal, his feelings, and his pain. Some of the biggest highlights are "Take Care", "Make Me Proud," "Lord Knows", and "The Real Her". They feature Rihanna, Nikki Minaj, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne with Andre 3000 respectively. All of these featured verses soar. Rihanna is always good at what she does, but Nikki has frequently fallen flat of late. On "Make Me Proud" she plays to her strengths and brings to mind her now legendary verse on Kanye's "Monster". The usually over theatrical Ricky Rosay (another "Monster" alumnus) takes it easy, and by playing it cool, he adds something beautiful to the album. Lil Wayne also relaxes from his usual flow and focuses on his lyrics, giving my favorite performance of his since he rapped, "you drop em cuz we pop em like Orville Redenbacher." The album is beautiful.

Well done, Drake. You've officially become "Drake: The Rapper" and are no longer "Drake: Who had a Degrassi episode devoted to how he couldn't get it up for his girlfriend because of his spinal injury." Buy Take Care. You'll be glad you did. Heck. You can THANK ME LATER!!!!!! Thank you! Goodnight!

BREAKING NEWS: “The Harp Is Still Cool!”- Florence Welch

By Peter Long

For the better part of five years the music charts have been dominated by what I like to call glam rap (you know, Soulja Boy, Wacka Flocka Flame, remember Hurricane Chris?), a genre that is simply a pulpit for artists to display their excesses and fame.

So when Florence and the Machine’s debut Lungs dropped in 2009, it was more than just a breath of fresh air (or a new set of LUNGS, AM I RIGHT?!?!?!). It was an album that eased into a modern day renaissance of talented female artists and made playing the harp cool for the first time since the 1700’s.

The group’s new LP Ceremonials picked up where Lungs left off. The record starts off with the joyful stomp of “Only If for a Night” where Florence Welch wails the words with her Joni Mitchell falsetto. From there on it’s all raw emotion, powerful baroque-pop blended with tales of loss, learning to cope with personal issues and the eventual release of all that bad energy.

One of those songs that deal with release is “Shake it Out,” a track that touches upon many of the themes of Springsteen but when it’s all stripped away it’s the Ceremonials equivalent of “Dog Days Are Over”. The narrator talks about all of the burden that she had been dealing with and in one night, all of that grief will be put to rest, “I’m always dragging that horse around…tonight I’m going to bury that horse in the ground.”

“Breaking Down”, quite possibly the simplest song on the album when it comes to instrumentation and arrangements, is definitely the best. It’s contradictive with the bright strings, keyboard riff and somber undertones but it single-handedly balances a record that was hinging on the brink of being over indulgent when it comes to majestic ballads and tribal dance-floor beats. It’s very impressive to see that Welch and company can pull a tune like this out of their repertoire.

“Lover to Lover” sounds almost identical to Marvin Gaye’s classic “Heard it Through the Grapevine” but that just demonstrates the R&B and soul influence that resonates throughout the album and the band as a whole.

Ditto with “Heartlines” but in the case of African rhythms. Ceremonials justifies the fact that the rhythm section is almost as important to Florence and the Machine as the string section is and their presence will be integral to their progression as a band.

Ceremonials is the almost-perfect follow up to Lungs so F&TM is most certainly not the victim of the sophomore slump. Welch is on the verge of becoming a master lyricist and song-writer and when that day comes, her band will become a force to be reckoned with.

They find that blend of Brit-pop, Portishead and Adele and make it their own. Altogether Ceremonials is a solid effort, but give them a couple more shots to create something really great and spectacular.

Final Verdict: Buy the album. Every song is good.

11 Reasons Why Duke Is Worse Than Famine

By Spence Blazak

Duke University: an institute of higher learning, basketball powerhouse, and breeding ground for DOOSHINESS. I have spent the majority of my self aware years on a mission to show as many people as possible how wickedly vile this place is, and now I have a soapbox to stand on to pitch my case. Listen, my children, and you shall hear…..

-Their most profitable author is Tucker Max. A man who proclaimed in his ground breaking memoir I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell the greatest moment of his life to be when a girl burped after giving him.... good grief do I hate that guy.

-100% of their graduates who went on to be Presidents were forced to resign.

-They are basically the Yankees of NCAA-basketball. You know what I mean, Yankee fans. That team who always gets what they want. Duke gives Yankee fans empathy for the rest of us sports fans. Except for that rare hellish pair up of a fan who likes both Duke and the Yankees (I like to call these people Dunkees), Yankee fans can watch a Duke game and feel what the rest of us felt 27 times before when watching them.

-The first rule of being a bitter person who doesn't go to a top 20 college is this: despise all top 20 colleges. Especially when watching their sports teams. Sometimes the temptation can be tough, like when looking at Stanford's currently unbeaten season. I love Andrew Luck: he is the next Peyton Manning, a humble and nice guy, and he looks like Tom Welling (who played Superman on Smallville) if he was bitten by a werewolf. But I just…want his team to be completely decimated by the Oregon Ducks this weekend. Look at Duke: Half of their players look like extras from The Hills Have Eyes (see picture above), they get a number 1 seed in March Madness annually just…because, and they were most recently ranked the number 9 school in America. You know Harvard? Who actually likes Harvard? They are exactly like Harvard….but it was built by slaves.

-If they don't make it to the championship game, everyone considers the entire season a waste.

-Kyrie Irving played 11 games for them and went number 1 overall in the NBA Draft. Do you know who he was drafted over? A man who won me more money than I've ever seen in my life. I feel personally attacked. I'll explain. In the Environmental Department of Lakehurst Air Force Base's (the work place of my pop) annual March Madness pool, I have been losing year after year since I was age nine. I pick the same winner every year: Kansas or UNC. Even when one of them does win, I still don't have enough points to take the prize. This year, I didn't want to go through the heartbreak of KU losing to University of Northern Iowa again, and I refused to have the name UNC even uttered in my presence ever since they denied my application (in an unrelated note, it is right down the road from Duke….and was also built by slaves). This year, I went with UConn, because of a man by the name of Kemba Walker. Because of that man, I came in 3rd place in a pool with high school grads, 2nd place in my high school pool, and 1st at Lakehurst. I got over $200, won the hearts of millions, and beat my arch nemesis: my Dad's co-worker named Kahn. I out conned Kahn with Conn. One of the best moments of my life….and Kemba was robbed of a number 1 overall because of some snot nosed Duke punk. What did Kyrie do? Got his team to the Sweet 16, left for the NBA, and earned Kahn a second place finish. How very Duke of him….

-This is a statue of the man who the school is named after……..

-When it was being constructed, they were originally going to use the stone from a quarry near Princeton because, lets face it, Princeton is a few steps short of Heaven. THEN James Duke decided to go with something he found that was BETTER. He is quoted to have said "I wanted an older, more attractive feel than that of Princeton's harsh color". Thats right. He just bashed Princeton AND its aesthetics by saying his fledgling school was better at both! That cocky attitude was engraved in Duke's stone and remains in every crack of the university to this very day.

-Other Duke grads include Ken Jeong (the one trick pony Asian actor from The Hangover whose stereotypical characters are single handedly causing a public relations crisis for the Asian PR rep), Mike Posner (the singer with hit singles "Please Don't Go" and "Bow Chica Wow Wow"), and several CEOs of the companies that caused Occupy Wall Street.

-I can't find the video, but I once saw a coverage on Youtube from Duke's 1997 Drunk Frisbee tournament. It consisted of underage undergrads drunk on a Saturday morning and the following quotes were said:

"I'm 18 but who is gonna stop meeeee!"

"Fucking love frisbee, man"

"DUUUUUUUUUKE, DUUUUUDE!!!"

-A girl for her senior thesis decided to make a powerpoint presentation on all of the dudes that she straddled in her 4 glorious years at the university. Too good to be true? I HAVE THE FREAKING LINK!!!!!

I rest my case.

Softknock: Wookiee Football Season Finale

By Spence Blazak

Let me start off by saying this is a Wookiee post unlike its older brothers before it. In a very bad way. Imagine that there were four older brothers who were kind of cool, then a fifth one born who has one leg longer than the other and two different colored eyes. Not in a hot way, but in that disconcerting way. Also, he always brings in dead pigeons in and places them at his father's feet on top of his Ugg slippers. Like a dog. This blog post is that odd, doglike brother. Its not pretty. You won't laugh a lot. It will break your heart. I promise you that. You might cry. It ends with me in the rain cursing the heavens. Heck. Why take my word for it?

The Wookiees start off their week with an automatic win against forfeit-prone "The Dutch Masters." A stench of grandeur permeates the fall air. We want to celebrate by going to the field anyway, shaking open a bottle of champagne, and sitting on the field smoking victory cigars until we are kicked off or we get bored. Probably the latter. I'm feeling fly. No. Pelican fly. We have a week to plan our strategy for when we verse the free agents. What could possibly go wrong! The week was doomed to take a turn for the worse.

I've analyzed the statistics and it is still very possible for us to make it to the playoffs. The way I see it is that the free agents are the kids who didn't have any friends to get a team together, so I think we will win by pure superiority in morale. The Wookiees haven't even played their best ball yet. All fingers are crossed.

As the season has progressed, so has the friendship of myself, James, Evan, and Rips. We begin to immediately ask the most important question: what should we name our dog in the house that we live in next year? We have several possibilities:

Waffles

Charlemagne

Shawshank

The Dude

Vonnegut (Vonn)

Vermeer (Vermy)

and my personal favorite…..Facebook

We then begin to debate whether we want a big dog or a small one. I put my Croc-clad foot down and decree 3 Things:

1.) It must be small

2.) It must be taught how to give me "paw"

3.) It must know I'm his Mummy

Someone then points out that it seems like the main purpose of this dog for me is that it provides the optimal amount of comedic material. My response: "Are you going to tell us Darth Vader is Luke's father next?" I immediately mark that person in my book of people who little Facebook won't be able to see until I've taught him how to attack.

Yes. That was the most exciting part of that week.

Also, I've managed to befriend one of the school's pitchers for the baseball team, and have recruited him for the Wooks. He says he has friends on the team who would also be interested in playing. I can't believe it. The Wookiees have just drafted the infield of a D 1-A baseball team. I jump up and click my heels out of joy.

GAME DAY

I go outside, send the text for the troops to rally in the middle of Bishop Beach, and wait to see who shows. I only see Evan. As happy as I am to see his smiling face, we need 3 more players. James is at class. James's roommate Joe is mad at me for party-boying him in my boxers…can't say I blame him. Bayo, Reggie, and Rommel have disappeared. Rips is driving on Route 18. Dalton tore a tendon in his leg. Then every single other person was in a Physics Lab. Who knew Physics was a thing?

Just when all hope is lost, Mike and J.Y. (the pitcher) show up. Sadly, the rest of the baseball team was busy. I look around and see that we are only one person short. I lay down in the giant botanical Rutgers "R" and fake cry. Strike that. I lay down in the pile of wood chips where the "R" used to be….they tore it out from the last 5 times I laid in it.

I decide to call Vinny and tell him we are one man short and ask if he can help us. Time is ticking. He says he will call us back. We wait by my knock off Blackberry in a swell of anticipation, hoping, wishing, praying for our season to continue. Ticktockticktock. That intramural champions t-shirt is so close I can almost feel its polyester based glory.

The phone rings.

Vinny: "I have players for you. You're good"

Trumpets sound from the heavens. The angels cry. God himself high fives me.

Vinny (cont.): "You can make it here on time though right?"

That son of a bitch. Got our hopes up just to tear them down. We get our second forfeit because we were didn't make the bus. And we didn't make the bus because we were waiting for his call. I didn't realize "Vinny" was Italian for "Judas".

I don't remember much after that. Its mostly spurts of memories. Our expulsion from the league was so traumatic that my mind became was put into a Boggle. Not just that night, but for the last month until today. In fact, I don't remember much of anything at all. Days pass.

I get a PS2. I play the entirety of "God Of War". In the end, I killed the Ares himself , and take his place on Mount Olympus. I toss the controller onto the desk, tear my pants off, and yell "AAAAARRRRREEEEESSSSS HAAAAAS FALLLLLLEEEEEEN". I go out into the hall to run around in excitement….and the door blows shut and locks behind me. Everyone with a key is off duty or in class. I go and nap in the lounge while wearing my Taylor Swift 2011 Tour t-shirt and in my boxers. Stupid Ares.

I lose another week of self awareness. I find myself on a Sunday night just returned from a trip home. James regales me of a party with a Flyers cheerleader in attendance. She looked like Taylor Swift AND was funny.

James: "Yeah man, you really missed out. You would have LOVED her!"

Me: "AAAAARRRRREEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!"

Two more days evaporate into the oblivion that humanity refers to as "the past". I'm in line for takeout. Sub night. I grab the piece of paper to fill out my order. There is no bacon. I'm very mad. I write "BACON!" and put a check next to it. I also write that my name is "Cat Daddy." I chat with Rips and make my way throughout the line. Then I hear the Indian sub lady yell: "HELLO! CAT DADDY? CAT DADDY. NO BACON!"

A week passes. I've just given blood and am sitting at a table with two Jewish girls and a guy who spent the entirety of the time we were hooked up to the machine either making AIDS jokes or complaining about not getting into NYU film school. I try to escape him and the snack table, but Dr. Scarybeard makes me sit back down for 15 minutes.

NYU D-Bag: "WOW! Every freaking person here is Jewish! This is crazy! You're not Jewish are you, bro?"

Me: "No. Just Polish."

NYU D.B.: "AWESOME! HIGH FIVE!"

*reluctant and painful slap of hands*

Girls: "We're Polish too! We actually just visited there this summer!"

Me: "Wow! See anything cool?"

NYU: "DID YOU GO TO ANY CONCENTRATION CAMPS! LIKE THE SCHINDLER'S LIST ONE?!?!?!"

Girls: "Well we went to one and it was just so sad, but that one you're talking about is in Germany-"

NYU: "NO ITS NOT!"

I get up to walk out. A frightening ginger girl on duty stops me. No, not Kelly. She takes me back to the table.

Dr. Scarybeard drops a vile of blood. Everyone looks over. I make my move and bolt for the door, barely making it back to my dorm. I also have 5 bottles of apple juice in my pocket. Spence 1, World 0. World leads series 654-9.

Time passes, children grow, leaves change color, and I continue my trek among the living. I dress as a fruit ninja, Holden Caulfield, and the Dude for Halloween. I rediscover hot chocolate. A girl pees in my bed. The circle of life continues.

Then I open my email. It reads: "Dear Spencer, We regret to inform you that you have been put on probation from the RIFFL. You may not do any sports until you come meet with the coordinator of RIFFL. You've hurt the organization by not showing up, and we want to have a discussion." I might as well be out for good, because as much as I love the Wookiees, that love is nowhere near as powerful as my hatred for 25 minute bus rides across campus.

Thus ends the Wookiees.

Or does it? If I do decide to go meet with the RIFFL Big Wig, then the Wookiees are eligible to enter……INNER TUBE WATER POLO. The Wookiees just might see another day.

As Abraham Lincoln once said: "It take more than a bus to stop the power of the human spirit!"

50/50: Review (And a Discussion of the Genre Sad-Coms)

By Spence Blazak

Last week, I went to a therapist for the first time. It was horribly depressing. We sifted through things in my memory that I had purposely tried to block out. Then I started to tell her a story about my life. Half way through, she began to cry. A woman with a Ph. D. from Princeton was crying at my life. I found this so sad, and yet…it got my award for "Funniest Thing of the Week." I literally couldn't stop laughing on my walk home. It was such a ridiculously depressing moment, so much so that I couldn't think of any way to react except to laugh until I couldn't breathe.

I've found that this is a very odd and underused type of comedy, but if it is done right, it can be brilliant. It is a realm of black comedy that is both hilarious and poetic simultaneously. Arrested Development tapped the surface, but it was hardly a show dedicated to the depressing. Louie, on the other hand, is an interesting example of a series completely immersed in this brand of comedy, but, while I haven't watched enough of it to get a completely accurate reading on it, I can never seem to find its heart and it comes off as too self-serving.

The Office is the real beacon for sad-com. One of my favorite moments of the American version is when Kevin is waiting all day to here from his doctor if he has cancer, and Michael is mad because it is taking away attention from him on his birthday. He then spends the episode trying to get people to talk to him instead, like a small child. Michael is so needy that it is hilariously pitiful, and also so sad that he can be that self absorbed. One of the most powerful moments of the series because it is more human than anything ever shown on crap like Two and a Half Men.

This is where and why 50/50 thrives. It has something to say not just about friendship and overcoming hardships with a good attitude, but about humanity at its core. This type of comedy cuts to the center of a character faster than most melodramas.

The story is about what you get from the trailer: a young public radio producer in Seattle discovers one day that he has cancer. The plot could easily shift into a self serving, quasi-philosophical piece of dog shit like the The Bucket List, but instead it recognizes its place as a grounded piece of realism. The actual plot is watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character go through the 5 stages of loss and grief and interacting with his mother, lover, therapist, and best friend. His character development is riveting.

It holds a tone that is filled with gloom and doom, yet somehow mildly optimistic every once in a while. I wouldn't say its a roller coaster, because it is a lot more subdued and relaxed than that, so I'd compare it to that one time I was operating the Super Himalaya at the Jenkinson's Ride Park of Point Pleasant Beach, N.J., and the belt broke. As my Bulgarian boss yelled at me for not being a machinist (and for being unable to speak Bulgarian), the car would go straight for a little bit before falling a little bit, with that pattern continuing for a few more seconds. Its top speed was that of a briskly walking mother with a stroller. I don't mean to say that it is slow at all, it just…takes its time, which is very refreshing. This story structure works perfectly for the movie.

The performances are all very good, but at the center is Seth Rogen as Levitt's best friend. Will Reiser wrote the movie as a basis of his own life and experience with cancer, and in real life, his best friend was actually Seth Rogen. Thats right. One of the only meta-cinema movies in the decade features Seth Rogen yelling the c-word. While Rogen's character is heavily dramatized, he gets into the character like nothing I've seen in a very long time. Off the top of my head, it reminds me of a scene in Woody Allen's Hannah and Her Sisters where Woody (who always plays himself in his movies) tries to kill himself, and then walks around New York realizing how much he wants to live. Rogen's face tries to be as happy as possible for his friend without being so happy that it pisses him off, and you can see the weight of this stress on his shoulders the whole time. It really is an excellent performance that transcends the movie itself.

All in all, missing this is a crime for anybody who likes movies. It isn't just great, it is almost trailblazing. If The Bucket List is half-a-star, and American Beauty (maybe?…I'm reaching here…) is a four star, then I give 50/50 three and a half stars