By Brian Long and Spence Blazak
A new season of Degrassi means one thing……..Brian and Spence can finally find happiness again. Here is a little breakdown of where we stand: Degrassi High School is in the suburbs of Toronto. Every. Single. Bad. Thing. That can happen, does happen. Our cast of characters is as follows:
Drew aka Jacoby- star athlete, used to be hunted by a gang, ladies man. Looks like Red Sox center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury
Bianca- Ho fo sho.
Claire aka Frumpy- Emotional
Marisol aka Aerosol- Really annoying, home wrecker, somehow finds KC attractive
Katie aka she JJJ- editor in chief of the school paper. Our nickname is an homage to Spiderman's beloved editor in chief, J. Jonah Jameson
Eli- Frumpy's ex. Crazy. Drives hearse. Wears black. Is a hoarder.
KC- He just sucks. And looks like Justin Bieber, but tall and sad.
Jenna- Had KC's baby. Gave it up "to do clubs and see her friends again."
Jake- Claire's ex boyfriend who happens to be the son of her mom's fiancé……..so stupid. And i think he was the guy from the "You Belong with Me" music video. We will have our people check on that.
Ali- Indian, sassy, ho fo sho
Dave- Tiny, poser, no personality
Spence: Alright, lets go. "I've been working at a camp this summer"-Jake. HOW GHETTO......are they seriously about to check the closet for a monster? 20 dollars says its Mike Wazowski.
Brian: Oh shit Claire's (Frumpy's) mom is getting married TOMORROW.
S: "Don't say yes, run away now, ILL MEET YOU IN AN HOUR IN A CHURCH AT THE BACK DOOR!"
B: God, I missed the exposition heavy conversations of this show
S: In case you were wondering….. -Taylor Swift, "Speak Now"
B: I love the horror movie shaky cam being used, someone just graduated from Toronto Film School!
S: And Degrassi is officially 17 days late with a Halloween episode......i guess Canada networks have to deal with jetlag
B: I think Canadian Halloween is American Thanksgiving. Thank God incest will be a part of Degrassi again, been getting bored without Declan and Fiona around.
S: And is Frump Master Flex EVER going to find a man who treats her right? Ah well.....until she does, THIS one will live with her! She is living with her ex.......this is ridiculous. Its almost like.....a plot for Degrassi.
B: I love the secret box of roses, and by love, I mean I think I puked a bit
S: I see the preview now…."this week on Degrassi, Luke learns......EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN"
B: This conversation with Drew (Jacoby) and Katie (She-JJJ) is four pages of exposition.
S:"Besides this is.....fun"-Katie. That was said with as much conviction as when my therapist said I was cool.
B: Seriously, you can't preface three episodes worth of recap with "YOU KNOW THAT..."
S: Jacoby is getting ready for the AL MVP announcement tomorrow.....and getting ready by slicing Degrassi posters.....
B: and as if things weren't wacky enough here comes Skankzilla!
S:"NOW SLICE!!!!!!" I feel like she should have said that with a whip and a mint julep in her hands.
B: Spence, YOU KNOW she's been helping out at Jacoby's dad's office. And is Blair Witch really vintage now?
Am I 80 years old?
S:could she have eaten that apple any sluttier?
No.
The answer is no.
B: "I...I feel pretty" said with as much conviction as Spence's therapist
B: hahahahahahaha
I thought Bandari compared her relationship with dave to the palestine/isreali conflict
S: Frump Meister looks like that episode of sesame street when Elmo tried on Zoey's dress.
B: Mostly the Elmo part. Hey dad, stop encouraging your son's incest. "The power of love, from the letter of Huey Lewis to The News"
S:......…Mrs Frump/Rogue from Xmen looks like the runaway bride.
S:"IM SORRY MY PROBLEMS ARE SO INSIGNIFICANT CLAIR! I HAVE HERPES, DID I MENTION THAT?"-Ali
B: Dave totally slept with nacho girl.
S: Remember that one time Dave called her a "giraffe" on date one? That was worse than on my first date that one time where I went in for a hug and was denied. True story…….. Easy on the lip gloss sweetie! This is a wedding, NOT A FUNERAL!
S:Ah the wedding Bible verse. Corinthians.....its always Corinthians.
S: Fucking love man, ill tell you what love is........here..…. And Dave looks like Carlton from fresh prince with that shirt on.
B: Dave looks like an inbred Pharrel. Is that how you spell his name? Jesus, I'm 80...
S:.....who are you even talking about......
B: Who sings drop it like it's hot?
S:.....snoop dogg?
B: Fuck...I'm 80
S: Principal Simpson storms into the wedding "I OBJEEEEEECT!!!!! THE PRIEST IS A FRAUD!"
Jake says,"when i was at the cabin, i did a lot of thinking,,,,,,,"
No.
No.
No you didn't.
Bon Iver did that AND WROTE A FUCKING BEST SELLING ALBUM ALONE WHILE HE HAD MONO. You just slit your wrists and drank travelers club mixed with grape drank and listened to Taylor Swift!!!!......oh wait that was me.
B: I'm never leaving you alone at my cabin again.
JJJJJAAAAAKKKE MAAAARTTIIIIIN
Bandari has been at the Dot for the length of an entire wedding
that's at least four hours
CABIN PARTAAAAAY!!!!
S:".....you have a cabin? thats hot" I WONDER HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT BUNGALOWS!!!!
and eli just called his daily bike ride "a shvitz". I'm 90 percent sure that that is what Ryan Gosling calls his willy in Crazy Stupid Love. I mean.....thats what I've heard.
B: I can't tell where Eli's bike helmet ends and his hair begins
S:THERE AINT NO PARTY LIKE A CABIN PARTY!
B:THERE'S A PARTY AT JAKES CABIN?!?!?!
S: OF COURSE NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THE COOL CABIN PARTY!!!!!! FUCK ME AND MY RED DRESS!!!!
Wait a second……Bianca has revealed that cabin's... equal.....kissing? has that proof been tested?
ill be right back, brian......i have to............
.........
..........
.........
.........
………
………
………
......pick something up from the cabin
B: Oh, uh, yeah, right, sure.
wait, are you leaving or is this a bit?
S: A bit
B:
haha
B: Yeah cabins is to kissing as merosal is to HUGE skank
S: Who let aerosol take her shirt off? And when aerosol says, "NO BUG SPRAY!?!??!?! WE HAVE TO GO BAAAAAACK!" she looks like Jack on Lost. Beard and all.
B: Oh man, this is the murderiest cabin I've ever seen.
Jake Martin, you are DA MAN!
oh my god, Mersoal, you've been here five seconds
S: I'm listening to this on my headphones, and the foley artists WORKED OVER TIME ON THAT MOSQUITO SOUND EFFECT! WELL DONE BOYS! I CAN TASTE THE DAYTIME CANADA EMMY ALREADY!
B: How long do you think they worked on that clue joke?
S: "I'm bored, lets go do something a little more exciting."-Katie. That translates to "THIS IS BORING, LETS FUCK".
best degrassi implied quote ever.
B: Leave it too Jake to pick the murder cabin
S: No tv=intercourse. Elementary my dear Brian.
B: Merosal seems to not have a strong grasp of what camping is.
S: Bianca just said the word "wack" for the first time since.......i....i don't even have a joke for this one. I'm too appalled.
B: Bianca apparently became a cartographer AND a cinephile over the summer
S: Look out ponce de leon!
B:and Leonard Maltin!
S: HAHAHAHA i forgot he was a thing....and by thing, i mean human being.Oh man, Katie is covered in blood and crying in the closet. Hey wait a second…..........THEYRE FUCKING WITH HER!!!!
I KNEW IT!!!!!!
B: Bandari, you're surronded by woods and all the kindling you could find was a FUCKING STICK.
I hope she gets eaten by wolves
S: They're going to eat those marshmallows first! "I'm more of a light it on fire then blow it out girl"-Ali. Yeah. You and every broad in canada, Sister.
B: Man, Bandari gets around. This is seriously her 20th boyfriend on this show. Shut up, Bianca, didn't you give Jacoby a blow job in the boiler room? Are you getting the security deposit back on that glass house that you've THROWN STONES IN?
S: Johnny Demarco will forever be number one ex boyfriend. He sent her sext out, gave her herpes, AND THEN BROKE UP WITH HER ALL IN THE SAME WEEK. LIKE A BOSS
B: "Can someone slap Merosal in the mouth? Thank you!"
S: "The woods are dense around here, you could get lost if you don't know your way around"-okay, WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE!?!?!?!? AM I RIGHT!?!?!?!
B:Is Bianca auditioning for Scream 5?
S: There was a Scream 4.
B: I hope Eli rides up on his bike right now.
S: Calling it now: his helmet is the killer.
B:It's controlling him
S: Katie says, "Sit still and I'll make you some herbal tea*"
*date raped jungle juice
B: "Why won't Claire think about meeeeeee???"
S: "Usually when girls talk, they say one thing and mean another"-Jacoby. Wait...........thats the secret I've been looking for all along.............so many wasted years……And i just realized how much creepier this whole thing with Bianca is when you think that she killed a man with a brick.
B: is Merosal smoking weed?!?!?!
hahahahahaha
what is going oooooooon?
why are they hot boxing the tool shed?
S: Aerosol is faking it.
B: Contact high. The silent killer
S: "you're a terrible friend when your high"
what? Is she Patrick fucking Star when she is sober?
SHE TOLD THE SCHOOL YOU WERE BULIMIC TO WIN CLASS TREASURER.
B: Is that all the lesson learning about drugs we're going to get? Degrassi's really phoning it in. And Eli's response to how he got to the cabin: "I took the bus, you know, the forest bus"
S: or he took.....TORTORO! THE FLYING CAT BUS!
B: Yes she-JJJ, it's exactly like a hot box...because you hot boxed it
"look they're engraved...one ring to rule them all...one ring to find them..."
S: I don't think aerosol smoked weed........i think she smoked human blood.
B: Yeah, no one is this stupid when they're high. Yeah Claire, you should be thrilled the guy who crashed a car for you found you alone in the woods. Fucking thrilled. Pleased as punch
S: This sucks why didn't anyone die yet
B: A shitty wooden door shouldn't be this hard to break out of
S:...…..she JJJ has had those safety goggles on for 3 minutes too long
Thank god Jacoby didn't see her in those.....
B: Bianca's references are gradually getting more obscure "you guys went Suspiria on that tool shed!"
S: "i feel like I'm watching Thankskilling with you guys!"
B: I really hope this episode ends with Mo bursting through the door with a boom box shouting HAPPY THANKSGIVING BITCHES!
S: Boom box? or a rocket launcher?
B: Why not both?
S: Marry me
B: People say I look young too. Uh oh Merosal got da munchaies. On the weed Jacoby, on the weed
S: I'm hoping that it is Holly J's fat asian boss from little miss steaks banging on the door. Or kermit the frog
B: It's the only logical thing to happen at this point
S: Commercial break. I'm enjoying the trailer for the muppets. haha the alcoholic dog is funny
S: party? what the hell kind of party has no beer?
B: Claire's parents arrive and they totally ruined their fuck party.
S: "BUT THE RIIIIIIIIIIINGS!"- she sounds like the witch king of angmar
B: why couldn't they "enjoy their honeymoon"
S: Jake has the same shirt on that he had last night. What a fucking pig.
THIS ISNT NAM
THERE ARE RULES
B: "the only thing about teens in cabin...is the teens!!!" womp womp wompidy woooooomp
S:Why does ali's life suck SO BAD. WHAT KIND OF A HORRIBLE WORLD IS THIS WHERE PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
B:Better question: what eeeees sexting?
S: How does Ali continually ruin her life? and I want a rundown and blog post coverage on the alleged science camp that she went to on my desk by 3 o'clock.
B: CANADIAN science. Which, if comics have taught me anything, involves grafting adimantium onto mutan skeletons
S: Whoever let Frump wear that top should be drawn and quartered
S: Wow what an ending with Frump and Jake being separated by a wall between their bedrooms. Thats a metaphorical symbol of my life as well......having a wall separate me and the person i love. That one is a shout out to you, Joe in room 104
B: I can't believe Degrassi is actually going through with an incest plotline...it's like they've been reading our blog posts. Whoa, that was a lot of Frumpy cleavage
S: My reaction to the "frump-age" you speak of .……here.......
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