By Spence Blazak
Duke University: an institute of higher learning, basketball powerhouse, and breeding ground for DOOSHINESS. I have spent the majority of my self aware years on a mission to show as many people as possible how wickedly vile this place is, and now I have a soapbox to stand on to pitch my case. Listen, my children, and you shall hear…..
-100% of their graduates who went on to be Presidents were forced to resign.
-They are basically the Yankees of NCAA-basketball. You know what I mean, Yankee fans. That team who always gets what they want. Duke gives Yankee fans empathy for the rest of us sports fans. Except for that rare hellish pair up of a fan who likes both Duke and the Yankees (I like to call these people Dunkees), Yankee fans can watch a Duke game and feel what the rest of us felt 27 times before when watching them.
-The first rule of being a bitter person who doesn't go to a top 20 college is this: despise all top 20 colleges. Especially when watching their sports teams. Sometimes the temptation can be tough, like when looking at Stanford's currently unbeaten season. I love Andrew Luck: he is the next Peyton Manning, a humble and nice guy, and he looks like Tom Welling (who played Superman on Smallville) if he was bitten by a werewolf. But I just…want his team to be completely decimated by the Oregon Ducks this weekend. Look at Duke: Half of their players look like extras from The Hills Have Eyes (see picture above), they get a number 1 seed in March Madness annually just…because, and they were most recently ranked the number 9 school in America. You know Harvard? Who actually likes Harvard? They are exactly like Harvard….but it was built by slaves.
-If they don't make it to the championship game, everyone considers the entire season a waste.
-Kyrie Irving played 11 games for them and went number 1 overall in the NBA Draft. Do you know who he was drafted over? A man who won me more money than I've ever seen in my life. I feel personally attacked. I'll explain. In the Environmental Department of Lakehurst Air Force Base's (the work place of my pop) annual March Madness pool, I have been losing year after year since I was age nine. I pick the same winner every year: Kansas or UNC. Even when one of them does win, I still don't have enough points to take the prize. This year, I didn't want to go through the heartbreak of KU losing to University of Northern Iowa again, and I refused to have the name UNC even uttered in my presence ever since they denied my application (in an unrelated note, it is right down the road from Duke….and was also built by slaves). This year, I went with UConn, because of a man by the name of Kemba Walker. Because of that man, I came in 3rd place in a pool with high school grads, 2nd place in my high school pool, and 1st at Lakehurst. I got over $200, won the hearts of millions, and beat my arch nemesis: my Dad's co-worker named Kahn. I out conned Kahn with Conn. One of the best moments of my life….and Kemba was robbed of a number 1 overall because of some snot nosed Duke punk. What did Kyrie do? Got his team to the Sweet 16, left for the NBA, and earned Kahn a second place finish. How very Duke of him….
-This is a statue of the man who the school is named after……..
-When it was being constructed, they were originally going to use the stone from a quarry near Princeton because, lets face it, Princeton is a few steps short of Heaven. THEN James Duke decided to go with something he found that was BETTER. He is quoted to have said "I wanted an older, more attractive feel than that of Princeton's harsh color". Thats right. He just bashed Princeton AND its aesthetics by saying his fledgling school was better at both! That cocky attitude was engraved in Duke's stone and remains in every crack of the university to this very day.
-Other Duke grads include Ken Jeong (the one trick pony Asian actor from The Hangover whose stereotypical characters are single handedly causing a public relations crisis for the Asian PR rep), Mike Posner (the singer with hit singles "Please Don't Go" and "Bow Chica Wow Wow"), and several CEOs of the companies that caused Occupy Wall Street.
-I can't find the video, but I once saw a coverage on Youtube from Duke's 1997 Drunk Frisbee tournament. It consisted of underage undergrads drunk on a Saturday morning and the following quotes were said:
"I'm 18 but who is gonna stop meeeee!"
"Fucking love frisbee, man"
"DUUUUUUUUUKE, DUUUUUDE!!!"
-A girl for her senior thesis decided to make a powerpoint presentation on all of the dudes that she straddled in her 4 glorious years at the university. Too good to be true? I HAVE THE FREAKING LINK!!!!!
I rest my case.
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