To Rome With Love: Review

By Spence Blazak

I had no plans to write a review of Woody Allen’s latest because I didn’t feel like many people these days still followed the Wood-meister as religiously as I do (I don’t get out much). Then I watched a Family Guy last night that featured an obscure reference to Crimes and Misdemeanors and felt inspired.

Also, I’m going to see The Dark Knight Rises tonight, and all signs are pointing to it getting a positive review. With several of my last few reviews being favorable, I wanted to write this one to prove that I’m not going soft on you, my fair reader. I can write a mediocre review! Even for a Woody Allen movie! See?!

I digress.

Woody Allen’s most recent film escapade finds him in Roma. The story is a series of intercut vignettes all dealing with infatuation, love, and the enigmatic motivations of the opposite sex. One tale features Alec Baldwin revisiting the street he lived on as a young man where he takes Jesse Eisenberg, a lad who is making mistakes in love eerily similar to his own, under his wing

Another features newlyweds who are as prude as the average attendee of a St. Peter’s Middle School Eight Grade dance. They are meeting up with the husband’s extended family JUST WHEN ROMANTIC COMEDY HIJINX STRIKES! The weakest spun yarn features Roberto Benigni as an average Joe who suddenly becomes famous, in a story that attempts to lampoon reality television culture, but doesn’t add anything new to the now drawn out idea. The strongest features Allen, back on the screen after a six year hiatus, as a retired opera producer who may have found his next star in the form of an Italian mortician.

To Rome with Love should be taken at face value. It is standard Allen fare, but the problem is that after a movie as great as last year’s Midnight in Paris, more than usual is expected from him. This being said, the film still has all of the beloved themes and character types from other Allen films: the morally ambiguous nature of breaking a monogamous relationship, all people have an expert lover somewhere inside of them, the character (played here by Jesse Eisenberg) who is basically just Woody, the woman who would have been played Mia Farrow if she was still married to Woody, the pedantic conservative, the judgmental therapist, and the woman who at first seems frumpy but is actually a femme fatale.

Is it a classic Woody movie? By no means. Is it classic Woody? In many ways, yes. As dopey as some of it is, it is still quite often hilarious and entertaining. Definitely worth a look on DVD for a Woody fan, as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into.

If Annie Hall is a four star-er, and The Curse of the Jade Scorpion is a one star-er, then To Rome With Love gets a formidable 2-and-a-half out of 4 stars.

Ted: Review

By Spence Blazak

The Spence of two weeks ago was a naïve, sheltered individual. He thought the Red Sox might be able to stay in second place. He never expected a girl to fall for his pseudo-French (Frenglish) when he spoke it at a party. He thought that if a movie centered itself on the joke of a teddy bear that talks, it would grow old. Ted has plenty of problems, but against all odds, that bear remains funny the whole time.

Ted begins on a Christmas Eve many moons ago, when a young boy, who will soon grow up to be Mark Wahlberg, is depressed that he has no friends. Christmas morning, he gets a frighteningly cute teddy bear: fluffy, bow-tied, and possessing an unblinking gaze that emanates from his chestnut brown eyes. He is the perfect best friend. That night, a shooting star appears over-head, and the young Mark Wahlberg boy wishes for his Teddy to come to life.

The wish is granted, and soon the little bear is talking, running around, and having a great time doing his bear thing. Then the opening credits roll, and we are brought to the present, where Ted has become a bro. He has ditched his bow-tie, gotten a bit shaggy, and now has a Boston accent so he sounds like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting (for the record, this is the highest praise I can give to an accent). He now does all kinds of cool “bro” stuff like smoke weed, fornicate with hookers, and watch Cheers. The only problem with this is that Mark Wahlberg is trying to hold a job, as well as maintain his relationship with his main squeeze (played by Mila Kunis), and Ted is a distraction.

Some way, somehow, hilarity does, indeed, ensue. I went and saw Ted as a fluke, truly not having an expectation whether it would be a pleasant surprise (like 21 Jump Street) or a for-the-love-of-God-what-have-I-done kind of surprise (like The Dictator), but in the end, Ted achieves its goal of making you laugh.

There is something about a teddy bear doing things that produces the purest kind of laughter, such as showing how Garfield’s face looks like a pair of bare breasts by drawing on said anatomical feature. Is Ted only successful because the title character is a plush toy? Pretty much, but it is still a pretty impressive feat to keep one gag from going stale for 90 minutes.

This can be attributed to the deadpan approach to the joke, with characters only bringing up Ted’s nature every so often, and when it is brought up, you say: “Oh yeah…..bear!”. Also, the fact that Ted has a girlfriend for the majority of the movie, makes whoopee with her on screen, and she never once asks any questions about him being a bear is comedy gold.

Other contributors to Ted’s success are Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. If the meat of Ted’s story had been left in the hands of lesser actors, it would have fallen to pieces at the seams, but the duo provides the perfect balance of playing it straight in “dramatic” scenes with Ted and going all out, such as when Mark Wahlberg punches a child (Spoiler alert: It’s a riot!)

The on-screen chemistry between the duo is another testament to their strength in the movie. That’s right. The fact that one of the more believable movie romances in recent memory is directed by Seth Macfarlane is a shellshock of a surprise. You will want to give them a hug, have dinner with them at Applebees, and make a teary-eyed, somewhat irreverent toast at their wedding. The romance works because it is honest, subdued, just quirky enough, and you want them to wind up together. This is a pretty textbook way to make a good movie romance, but the surprising part is that Macfarlane had enough maturity as a writer to make one in this fashion.

Now for the negative parts. Ted’s pop culture references are frequently not clever enough to save themselves from being called “lazy writing,” but still take up a major fraction of the movie’s dialogue. When the off-key Mark Wahlberg bombs while singing the theme from Octopussy to try to win Mila Kunis back, did Ted really have to say “Hey! Still better than Katy Perry!” While some of the jokes, such as Ted saying a fat kid looks like Susan Boyle, are hilarious, they are still a bit cheap and will make Ted dated in 5 years.

Another detractor to the film is Joel McHale. Maybe he has fans somewhere, but God knows why that is. He plays Mila Kunis’s creepy boss that perpetually hits on her at work. His dialogue is dismal, and he doesn’t look like he is trying. He is about as unlikable as you can get, with no saving graces. Joe Pesci made a career of playing dastardly wise guys, but you still always loved him, even if he was banging Robert DeNiro’s wife. Hey! Its just Joey! But with McHale…you just can’t wait for him to be off screen.

Finally, the biggest issue with Ted is its ending. While the entirety of the movie does a great job of balancing comedy with plot-propelling drama that doesn’t get sappy, the ending just bombs. Mawkish (two dollar word of the day), tonally inconsistent with the rest of the movie, and jam packed with groan worthy moment after groan worthy moment, Ted ends on a sour note.

With everything taken into account, Ted has some very hit or miss moments, but is overall a comparatively successful comedy. Word of warning, if you wind up seeing Ted in theaters, don’t sit next to any of the children who will undoubtedly be there. It is a whole other level of uncomfortable that will be introduced to your life.

If The Dictator is a one-star example of an R-rated comedy, and 21 Jump Street is a three-and-a-half star example, then Ted gets a decent 3 stars.

The Amazing Spiderman: Review

By Spence Blazak

How bad was Spiderman 3? It apparently set off a bomb erasing every character and the public’s memory of them from the Marvel Universe. It also caused this writer to hide in the corner of his room in fetal position. The fact that The Amazing Spiderman even exists is a testament to the pinnacle of terribleness that its predecessor represented. But, this might not be a bad thing. As any of the many Spiderman faithful who trekked to the movie’s midnight premiere could tell you, there’s no such thing as too much Spiderman.

Now he is played by a British guy? So what. Love interest Mary Jane Watson apparently doesn’t exist anymore? Big whoop. Peter Parker doesn’t have his best buddy Harry Osbourne around? So it goes.

Tensions may be high in the Middle East, the world economy is in turmoil, Taylor Swift was seen on a date with Schwarzenegger’s son, but as long as I can still go see Spiderman beat up some shady looking ne’er-do-wells, then that’s fine with me.

A lot of The Amazing Spiderman’s success comes from the way it plays mind games with the audience based on their expectations for another Spidey origin story. Likewise, a lot of its missteps are related to repeating mistakes from the originals.

The newest incarnation of the ever-misanthropic Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) takes the story back to the beginning. This time, the plot stems more from the mystery surrounding the death of Peter’s parents, and his discontent with the whole situation. In the original trilogy, 17 year old Peter had seemingly just come to terms with his parents’ death and never brought it up, but here, it gives the character a new level of drive.

The new Spiderman comes off as far less naïve and much more jaded as a result of this. Peter soon begins courting Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), and all is right in the world………..OR IS IT?! Peter’s character foil comes in the form of Dr. Curt Connors, part scientist at Oscorp (making a return from the originals) and part crazy evil green lizard man trying to regrow his missing arm. Truly a tortured villain for the ages. Spiderman tries to stop the Lizard, have a successful relationship with Gwen, and not be arrested by police chief Dennis Leary. All in a day’s work for Spidey.

Garfield thrives by making the part of Spiderman his own, neither mimicking nor deviating ridiculously far from Toby Maguire’s Spiderman. Garfield’s version is more wiry, sardonic, and less dweeby (not that there is anything wrong with a good dweeb). He also possesses the type of street smarts that Maguire’s Spiderman was always lacking. One of the nicest additions Garfield brings to the table is that whenever Spiderman makes one of his catchphrase witty remarks at an armed criminal, you don’t want to hide your face from the awkwardness.

Rhys Ifans does a solid job as the lizard man scientist who is a little bit mad, but who also has a heart, even though his story arc is almost identical to that of the Green Goblin in the original Spiderman… Martin Sheen and Sally Field are perfect as Uncle Ben and Aunt Mae, respectively. By making the characters younger and more vivacious, they become more accessible and human, rather than caricatures. Dennis Leary gives an impressive bout as the police chief and Gwen’s father, but doesn’t quite fill that “dead pan-serious, yet hilarious” void left by the absence of Peter’s beloved newspaper editor J. Jonah Jameson.

Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone give the film the pulse it needs, having chemistry and charm, and back-and-forth that never strays into the territory of making the audience think to themselves “I hate these people in love, when will this Spider-guy thing end so I can go home and finish that bottle of Merlot with my cat?” The portrayal of their relationship is about as good as it can get in a movie featuring a big green lizard man.

The script gets the job done with unexpected adrenaline boosts to the storyline at several points (you’ll see what I mean), but it gets held back by a few groan worthy clichés. Did Spiderman really need an exchange of dialogue as dull as “Who are you?” “……I’m Spiderman!”? Much better option would have been “Who are you?” “Come on, buddy…I’ve got a spider on my chest, we’re both covered in web……I’m the Green freakin’ Lantern!.....I’m sorry, that was sassy…..tough day at the office.” Now THAT’S what I call Spiderman dialogue!

The Amazing Spiderman had one goal above all else: make the public forget the vile aftertaste of the egregious Spiderman 3 and earn their forgiveness. The movie did just that, as well as surpassing the meager expectations set for it by fan boy websites across the Internet. Spiderman himself is likable, you get quintessential enjoyable action movie performances, the scenes of Spiderman swinging and fighting two bit hoods are everything you will want, and the script is what it is, but hey, who is complaining? Its Spiderman!

If Spiderman 3 is a one star-er, and The Avengers is a four star-er, then The Amazing Spiderman is a solid 3 out 4 stars.

I'm Sorry, Devils: A Fan's Apology to His Team

By Chris Hubbard

This past Monday, for the second time in my life, I had to endure the pain of watching my beloved Devils lose a Stanley Cup Final. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I have to say, no matter how long you see it coming, it doesn’t make it any less painful as you’re watching time expire on your season. You start thinking about the other games you lost in the series. “One inch to the left and game 1 would have been ours!” or, “we only gave up one lousy regulation goal in 4 of the 6 games.” And yet here we are.

Yes, I’m one of those fans who uses the obligatory We when talking about their sports team. It wasn’t just the Devils who beat the Panther’s in 7, it was me and the Devils. They scored the goals and did the skating, I tried to stand on one foot and eat nachos the entire game because that’s what I did to help them win game 6. It was the same all the way through to the final. Not necessarily channeling the power of nachos, but in each series there was a routine to follow. When I did, we won, when I didn’t we didn’t. That’s where this article comes in. I’m sorry Devils. I abandoned you when I took a two hour drive south to play in an Ultimate Frisbee Summer Leauge.

Before that, people say we weren’t doing so great, but we were close. And then I found the winning formula. I just needed to move my seat from my house, to someone else’s. In the two wins of the series I watched from the couch of one Andrew Kaspereen, and it was glorious. We could feel the upset coming. We could feel game 7 around the corner, and then all bets were off. But then I did what I should have never done. I abandoned the routine. I went south to play ultimate and the rest is history.

I should have known better. I’d done this once before, the previous Monday. That should have been all the warning I needed. Game 3 was a blow out for the Kings. It was a grotesque game and it was all my fault. I know that now. But I missed the signs and after quite a bit of self-convincing, I brought myself to leave for game 6 as well. But I did, and I cost us the Cup, and no one is more ashamed than I. Next year will be better Devils, I swear. If we make the finals again I’ll step my game up. I’ll buy a rally monkey, I’ll bleach my hair, I’ll grow a better beard, I’ll turn my hat inside out, hell I’ll turn all my hats inside out. The important thing is I’ll step it up on the routine front, and in return all I ask is to score more than 1 goal a game, maybe?

Ah, who are we kidding, we’re the Devils, we don’t win unless by shutout, and I’m fine with that, except when we lose. I’m so sorry.

How Dave, Spence, and Little Richard Saved the Human Race

By Spence Blazak

I have a yarn to spin that is too good to be true, yet it is just as veracious as the nose on your face. One of my many means of gainful employment during the summer includes being a machinist at Blazak Manufacturing. No joke, its real. Also real is the fact that my coworker Dave and I saved humanity on June 6th. The story just might be one of my all time best, soon to be told by my daughter, Taylor Swift Jr., and her daughter's daughters after her. Passed down through the ages until Judgement Day. The segments taking place in the future are logically deduced projections for the course of events that will follow that of June 6th's. To create the appropriate illusion for story telling, I shall be telling the tale backwards to leave you, my fare reader, guessing exactly what happened, up until the very end.

September 15th, 2040:

Dave Piccolella's birthday is now a holiday. Kid's get off from school, the government shuts down, but unlike MLK Day, people actually know who the namesake of their annual day of leisure is. Dave: The man who put into effect the plan that would save the entire human population. People gather round and ask Applebees CEO Spence Blazak to tell them about the day it happened, since he is one of only two humans left from when the event happened.

July 20th, 2039

-Food scientist Spence discovers the recipe for the everlasting gobstopper, thus ending world hunger.

December 13, 2013

-The first of Spence's 13 children, which will regrow the human population, is born. Coincidentally, on the same day as their mother was.

January 1, 2013

-A new year, and a new hope for humanity. Spence finds the fallen wreckage of the International Space Station (which plummeted to the Earth after the cosmonaut's cat killed all of the astronauts) and retrieves the vital information on board.

December 22, 2012

-Spence emerges from the wreckage of humanity, takes his new bride, and rides off into the sunset to hunt down the cure to bring back the almost extinct species known as mankind.

December 21, 2012

-The world ends. Cats turn on homo sapiens, destroying them one by one, just as the Mayans predicted. Just when all seems lost and the cats arrive at Spence's door, they are warded off by his cats Allie and Zoey, for he has been deemed worthy to live among them in the age of cats. The only other Earthly survivor is someone else who was saved by their cat….all thanks to this video of her . Spence then marries her.

December 20, 2012

-The company Spacex launches their probe to the International Space Station. It is filled with fancy metal boxes. Inside these boxes, Wookiee Wednesday assumes, are bits of human DNA and reams of paper documenting humanity's accomplishments.

June 6, 2012 4:59 PM

-The essential parts needed to create the indestructible metal boxes for Spacex are shipped in the nick of time from Blazak Mfg.

June 6, 2012 12:34 PM

-Dave returns from his epic journey to the road stop on the Jersey Turnpike at mile marker 120 with the tool needed to create the pieces for this "indestructible savior box."

June 6, 2012 11:40 AM

-Dave is briefed about his mission to head to the aforementioned rest stop to get this tool which will save humanity. He is warned to beware of undercover policemen, for they will be watching him. No lie. One time my aunt had to run a similar mission at the rest stop and was questioned because they thought she was a drug trafficker.

June 6, 2012 11:39 AM

-The breaks squeal and the stench of burned rubber permeates the muggy air. Spence throws himself out of Dave's car and gives the donuts and coffee to his uncle and bossman Tom.

June 6, 2012 11:37 AM

-Text from Tom: "Take your time, but quickly". Spence yells.

June 6, 2012 11:30 AM

-They enter the Quickcheck.

Spence: "ASDASHFKJSDHGLADKBFJ:DHFASFAAFF"

Dave: "The coffee is right over there, Spence"

Spence and Dave dash to the coffee with Tom's refillable mug in hand. It's a mad house inside of Quickcheck. THE JAMAICAN ME CRAZY COFFEE HAS A DO NOT SERVE SIGN. The fate of the universe rests in this coffee being delivered. Spence then does something that will be remembered for many generations to come after him: he asks a woman who works there if the sign is just a guideline. She says yes.

They get in the car and hit the gas.

June 6, 2012 11:20 AM

-The team makes mad dash to the local Sunoco, prepared for anything. Dave accidentally hits the "open trunk" button on his car. Spence hurls his door open.

Spence: "AHHHHHHHHHHHH"

He closes the trunk and runs back the five feet to the door.

Spence: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

June 6, 2012 11:12 AM

-Tom briefs the duo on the first part of their mission. They must fill up Dave's tank with gas, go to Quickcheck, go inside the Quick check, get donuts and Jamaican Me Crazy coffee, leave, go back to the shop, then have Dave go get the part needed to save humanity. Just another day at Blazak Mfg.

June 6, 2012 11:08 AM

-Tom: "Get ready for an earth changing mission."

June 6, 2012 10:13 AM

-Spence puts too much oil on the stamper, and the greasy substances is sprayed in his face, like this.

June 6, 2012 8:50 AM

-The day of work begins like any other. Spence has been cutting himself on the metal strips for awhile and looks at his fingers. They look like a falcon attacked them. He then wonders if when he dies, the police will ever be able to tell who he is because his fingerprints will have changed. WIll he even care, since he is dead? He sits in fear and gives an existential shudder.

June 6, 2012 7:40 AM

-Dave picks Spence up and they go to work. On the way there, "Closing Time" by Semisonic comes on (or maybe Spence just decides to randomly sing it). It is a foreshadow of the day's events. "One last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer."

June 6, 2012 7:13 AM

-Spence wakes up to the sound of Little Richard singing "Tutti Frutti." He then gets ready for work by lying in bed for 20 minutes, making coffee, burning himself on said coffee, then drinking a protein shake. As Bruce Springsteen once said "The working, the working, the working life".

I know what you are thinking……what did you actually do to help save the world? Dave did everything? I'll tell you what I did. I got that Jamaican Me Crazy coffee. If it wasn't for that small act, then Tom might not have had the energy to tell Dave the directions up the parkway to get that tool. All thanks to that caramel fueled concoction. You're welcome, world.

The Dictator: Review

By Spence Blazak

I'm about to do the nicest favor for you that you've had all week. You're welcome, in advance. I'll preface it with a story. There is an episode of The Twilight Zone called "To Serve Man". Creepy aliens come to Earth and give humankind a big book called, you guessed it, To Serve Man. This helps the humans by telling them how to cure their diseases as well as end worldwide famine. The aliens are such great "bros" to humanity that they decide to invite people to "bro out" on they home planet. People go without asking any questions.

Pretty soon, a scientist researching the alien book realizes the terrible, terrible truth……To Serve Man is an alien cook book with which to eat humans!!!! He then goes buck wild and tries to warn everyone at the spaceship loading docks by yelling "NOOOOO!!!!! ITTTTS AAAAA COOOOK BOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!" No one cares, he gets pushed onto the spaceship, and then thats about it.

Anyway, I'm here to warn you, good people of Earth…..if you value your life and sanity, DO NOT see The Dictator, the latest comedic travesty to plague a theater near you. ITS A COOOK BOOOK!

The Dictator follows Sacha Baron Cohen (of Borat, Bruno, and Madagascar fame) as Admiral General Aladeen, the leader of the African nation of Wadiya. He is a cruel, ruthless leader that is despised by his constituents. His right hand man (played by Ben Kingsley….no joke) betrays him on a trip to NYC, and Aladeen is left alone in the Big Apple, with no one able to recognize him. He then befriends an organic grocer (Anna Farris) and attempts to reclaim his title as the dictator of Wadiya.

I feel dirty giving this film the courtesy of a summary. I'm so sorry, dear reader, for the pain that your eyes just had to endure.

This is strikingly similar to the Adam Sandler disaster You Don't Mess With the Zohan, and it is just about the same level of funny as well (which is "not very"). Almost every joke falls flat, is awkwardly offensive, and at the hands of the unlikable character Aladeen, this is a perfect storm for comedic discontent. Borat found a way to offend the world with a loving, affable tone by being over the top in absurdity, but when The Dictator makes a foul joke about the Israeli killings at the 1972 Munich Olympics, it is just uncomfortable for all the patrons in the theater.

Cohen thrived in his television show and previous films by basing the majority of his comedy in improv. He would set his character in a funny situation, countered by either unknowing bystanders or actors improving, then create golden comedy out of off color jest through his dead pan sillyness. The Dictator is, and comes off as, fully scripted. This sucks the life and humor out of everything and everyone seen on screen. The film is nothing more than an empty husk.

There are three, and only three, jokes that work in the film. One involves Aladeen changing the words for both "positive" and "negative" to "Aladeen," which results in a hilarious scene in which a man goes to the doctor. The other comes from Aladeen's friend saying "Crocs are a sign of a man who has given up. Next you will be wearing sweatpants and spending your nights at Applebees!" This was probably only funny because that is a dead-on description of me (I have done all three of those things on more occasions than I'd like to admit)….The other joke is too weird for me to describe, but it involves Blake Griffin and Cohen…"polishing the bald man's head", so to speak, on screen.

There you go. That paragraph shows the only redeeming qualities of this movie, one that is destined to be in the dollar DVD bin at Kmart. On a scale of 0 to 4 stars, with half a star being Epic Movie and three-and-a-half stars being Borat, The Dictator gets a pitiful one star.

This Week In HISTORY (May 21-27)

     By Chris Hubbard 

            Hello, welcome to this week in history.  My name is Chris Hubbard, and I’ll be your guide through the wonder and whimsy that is…history.

            But first, what is history?  Let’s take a look at that word shall we?  First, His, indicates a male dominated perspective.  This is of course, as we all know, because men were the only ones who were allowed to learn how to read, write, and speak back in the day, and thus the only ones able to communicate events from generation to generation.  Women were subjugated, and forced to communicate through hand signals and expressive body language.  A trend that has continued in feminine culture ever since they were given permission to speak by the king of England, in 1233 A.D (see “talk to the hand,” “the rolling of the eyes,” and “the finger/head bobble combo.”) 

            The second part of the word, Tory, is a word lost to modern day scholars, but many maintain that is closely related to the word Torre, which means tower in Portuguese, Spanish, Galician, Catalan, Italian, and Corsican.  Once you take this into account, it’s easier to understand both the origin of the word History, as well as the meaning behind it. To think of it as a kind of Man-tower is half the battle when considering a tale of historical significance. 

            This week in history, (May 21-May 27,) wasn’t a busy week, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t an important week.  Possibly one of the most important events in all of Canadian history happened this week, 400 years ago.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  Here’s a clue.  It involved mice.  No?  Ever heard of, THE PIED PIPER.  I thought so.  Well, his cousin, Gregory, or as the Canadians know him, Sean, is very central to this story. 

            It was 1612, and Gregory Piper was on his way from Quebec to lower Saskatchewan for the annual Pilgrimage of Glowers.  A ritual in which Canadian men would trudge their way across Canada in their finest plaid green suits, looking as miserable, sad, and lonely as possible, in order to attract a bride.  Now Gregory was one of three men in his group making the pilgrimage.  The other two were trappers known as Jon, and MacLorenzo.  The three men made their way across Ontario, and into modern day Manitoba.  It was here, around what was to become Winnipeg, (the Detroit of Canada,) where the three men made their one hundredth camp. 

As is custom on the Pilgramage of Glowers, the three men soon began the Battle of Storytelling.  The winner of the battle would gain great reputation, and his choice of the first bride upon their destination. The loser would have to kiss a tree.  Knowing the stakes, each man told his best story. Jon told of the events surrounding the acquisition of his prized shrew farm, which was exactly as glamorous to the other two men then as it would be to anyone today.  MacLorenzo, a prized boaster, (he had once won a boasting match in college,) told of his many sister-wives, whom he’d married after he had killed their father with a Kafkaesque murder plot.  Gregory wanted to tell of how he was the cousin of the world famous Pied Piper, but MacLoreno’s story was so impressive that he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. 

            That’s when he thought of it.  The greatest story ever told by anyone ever, ever.  It was so simple and sweet, yet sinister and sassy.  Also, other s-words.  Make no mistake however, the story was great.  In it, he was but a simple puppeteer, struggling to make a name for himself.  Trapped in a loveless marriage, and infatuated with a woman at work, his only escape would be a portal he discovered one day, behind a heavy file cabinet.  This portal he found, lead into the consciousness of one John Malkovich, a famous actor in the future, who Gregory could control through some concentration, and after a few tries, Gregory had become John Malkovich.  He went on to tell of weird love triangles and lesbians, strange cults and immortality, and even though he ended the story tragically for himself, the story itself was so unbelievable and spectacular, that the other two men were impressed.  Granted, neither Jon nor MacLorenzo really understood the story.  But, they liked puppets and had never heard a lie before, and thus Gregory won the storytelling battle, and his pick of the first bride once they arrived in Skaskatoon. 

            And thus is the origin of one of the oldest and greatest stories ever told, and to think it was this week all those years ago that it Gregory “Sean” Piper told it quietly, and for approximately 113 minutes, to a captivated group of pilgrims, out on the Manitoba Prairie. And Now You Know, The Rest of the Story.  Good Night!