This Week In HISTORY (May 21-27)

     By Chris Hubbard 

            Hello, welcome to this week in history.  My name is Chris Hubbard, and I’ll be your guide through the wonder and whimsy that is…history.

            But first, what is history?  Let’s take a look at that word shall we?  First, His, indicates a male dominated perspective.  This is of course, as we all know, because men were the only ones who were allowed to learn how to read, write, and speak back in the day, and thus the only ones able to communicate events from generation to generation.  Women were subjugated, and forced to communicate through hand signals and expressive body language.  A trend that has continued in feminine culture ever since they were given permission to speak by the king of England, in 1233 A.D (see “talk to the hand,” “the rolling of the eyes,” and “the finger/head bobble combo.”) 

            The second part of the word, Tory, is a word lost to modern day scholars, but many maintain that is closely related to the word Torre, which means tower in Portuguese, Spanish, Galician, Catalan, Italian, and Corsican.  Once you take this into account, it’s easier to understand both the origin of the word History, as well as the meaning behind it. To think of it as a kind of Man-tower is half the battle when considering a tale of historical significance. 

            This week in history, (May 21-May 27,) wasn’t a busy week, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t an important week.  Possibly one of the most important events in all of Canadian history happened this week, 400 years ago.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  Here’s a clue.  It involved mice.  No?  Ever heard of, THE PIED PIPER.  I thought so.  Well, his cousin, Gregory, or as the Canadians know him, Sean, is very central to this story. 

            It was 1612, and Gregory Piper was on his way from Quebec to lower Saskatchewan for the annual Pilgrimage of Glowers.  A ritual in which Canadian men would trudge their way across Canada in their finest plaid green suits, looking as miserable, sad, and lonely as possible, in order to attract a bride.  Now Gregory was one of three men in his group making the pilgrimage.  The other two were trappers known as Jon, and MacLorenzo.  The three men made their way across Ontario, and into modern day Manitoba.  It was here, around what was to become Winnipeg, (the Detroit of Canada,) where the three men made their one hundredth camp. 

As is custom on the Pilgramage of Glowers, the three men soon began the Battle of Storytelling.  The winner of the battle would gain great reputation, and his choice of the first bride upon their destination. The loser would have to kiss a tree.  Knowing the stakes, each man told his best story. Jon told of the events surrounding the acquisition of his prized shrew farm, which was exactly as glamorous to the other two men then as it would be to anyone today.  MacLorenzo, a prized boaster, (he had once won a boasting match in college,) told of his many sister-wives, whom he’d married after he had killed their father with a Kafkaesque murder plot.  Gregory wanted to tell of how he was the cousin of the world famous Pied Piper, but MacLoreno’s story was so impressive that he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. 

            That’s when he thought of it.  The greatest story ever told by anyone ever, ever.  It was so simple and sweet, yet sinister and sassy.  Also, other s-words.  Make no mistake however, the story was great.  In it, he was but a simple puppeteer, struggling to make a name for himself.  Trapped in a loveless marriage, and infatuated with a woman at work, his only escape would be a portal he discovered one day, behind a heavy file cabinet.  This portal he found, lead into the consciousness of one John Malkovich, a famous actor in the future, who Gregory could control through some concentration, and after a few tries, Gregory had become John Malkovich.  He went on to tell of weird love triangles and lesbians, strange cults and immortality, and even though he ended the story tragically for himself, the story itself was so unbelievable and spectacular, that the other two men were impressed.  Granted, neither Jon nor MacLorenzo really understood the story.  But, they liked puppets and had never heard a lie before, and thus Gregory won the storytelling battle, and his pick of the first bride once they arrived in Skaskatoon. 

            And thus is the origin of one of the oldest and greatest stories ever told, and to think it was this week all those years ago that it Gregory “Sean” Piper told it quietly, and for approximately 113 minutes, to a captivated group of pilgrims, out on the Manitoba Prairie. And Now You Know, The Rest of the Story.  Good Night!