By Spence Blazak
Since the announcement
that Lucasfilm has been sold to Disney and a new “Star Wars" trilogy is in
the works, there have been many speculations about who will helm this new
expanse of movies. The stakes are high, with the movies destined to either be
famous or infamous. Internet articles upon articles have speculated about how
J. J. Abrams or Quentin Tarantino could do a great job giving a fresh take to
the material, long past anyone giving a damn. This pish-posh will not stand.
Wookiee Wednesday knows that the humble folk of the internet aren’t interested
in this balderdash but instead want some suggestions to sink their teeth into. W.W.
is here to show some real off-the-beaten-path
men for the job, as well as what would happen to the series with them at the
helm. Get ready for all hullaballoo to be silenced.
Judd Appatow
-Just imagine, the wizard
behind such 2000’s comedic classics as “Knocked Up,” “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,”
and “Anchorman” now has the expanse of the “Star Wars” universe in the palm of
his raunchy hand. On Chewbacca’s home planet of Kashyyyk, the wookiee wonder is
having a tough time coping with suburbia after the Galactic Civil War. He has settled
down, is mending his relationship with his teenage son, and spicing things up
with his wife, who is insecure about her age (as well as the curliness of he
body fur). He tries to juggle all of these things, as well as his relationship
with best friend Han Solo. While in the midst of all this, his son tries to get
the furriest female wookiee in the village to be his date to senior prom.
Hilarity (and a plethora of fur ball jokes) ensues.
Pedro Almodovar
-The director that has
portrayed some of the most reasonable feminist motifs in the last forty years,
and now here he is with Jar Jar Binks in his hands. Imagine a whole trilogy
centered around the Gungans, Binks’ people, and their trials and tribulations
of trying to be respected by the citizens of the galaxy. In true Almodovar
fashion, everything will be in Spanish.
Woody Allen
-The king of neuroses,
Allen would set his trilogy in a futuristic New York City. The main characters
would be completely new: just a couple of bourgeois, working stiffs trying to
make their way in this futuristic world. Allen would then have an intern point
out to him that this idea was just a mixture of “Sleeper” and “Futurama,” so
the films would be thrown into production limbo for another decade.
Spike Lee
-A pioneer in the voice of
the black community on film, Lee would tackle a lot in his trilogy which would
be centered on an aged Lando Calrissian (now played by Denzel Washington). One
movie could deal with the fact that there are almost no other African Americans
in the films, and another might just be a direct remake of Lee’s classic “He
Got Game,” but with zero gravity basketball.
Stephen Soderbergh
-A Sheryl Crowe
soundtrack, shaky cam tracking shots, and a surprise Jude Law performance would
fill the trilogy if the Dalai Lama of Indie Drama was hired for the job. The
plot would be centered on a single bill trying to get passed in the Galactic
Senate. Even though critics and average-joes alike universally panned the
Senate scenes of “Attack of the Clones”, Soderbergh would take this as a
challenge to focus solely on them and make them sublime. The majority of
filmgoers wouldn’t last through the first hour, which would include a 15-minute
monologue from a Womp rat farmer who wants just subsidiary compensation for his
lost acres of Jundland Waste from the Civil War.
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