12.07.2012

The 5 Best Men to Direct the New Star Wars Trilogy



By Spence Blazak

Since the announcement that Lucasfilm has been sold to Disney and a new “Star Wars" trilogy is in the works, there have been many speculations about who will helm this new expanse of movies. The stakes are high, with the movies destined to either be famous or infamous. Internet articles upon articles have speculated about how J. J. Abrams or Quentin Tarantino could do a great job giving a fresh take to the material, long past anyone giving a damn. This pish-posh will not stand. Wookiee Wednesday knows that the humble folk of the internet aren’t interested in this balderdash but instead want some suggestions to sink their teeth into. W.W. is here to show some real off-the-beaten-path men for the job, as well as what would happen to the series with them at the helm. Get ready for all hullaballoo to be silenced.

Judd Appatow
-Just imagine, the wizard behind such 2000’s comedic classics as “Knocked Up,” “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” and “Anchorman” now has the expanse of the “Star Wars” universe in the palm of his raunchy hand. On Chewbacca’s home planet of Kashyyyk, the wookiee wonder is having a tough time coping with suburbia after the Galactic Civil War. He has settled down, is mending his relationship with his teenage son, and spicing things up with his wife, who is insecure about her age (as well as the curliness of he body fur). He tries to juggle all of these things, as well as his relationship with best friend Han Solo. While in the midst of all this, his son tries to get the furriest female wookiee in the village to be his date to senior prom. Hilarity (and a plethora of fur ball jokes) ensues.

Pedro Almodovar 
-The director that has portrayed some of the most reasonable feminist motifs in the last forty years, and now here he is with Jar Jar Binks in his hands. Imagine a whole trilogy centered around the Gungans, Binks’ people, and their trials and tribulations of trying to be respected by the citizens of the galaxy. In true Almodovar fashion, everything will be in Spanish.

Woody Allen
-The king of neuroses, Allen would set his trilogy in a futuristic New York City. The main characters would be completely new: just a couple of bourgeois, working stiffs trying to make their way in this futuristic world. Allen would then have an intern point out to him that this idea was just a mixture of “Sleeper” and “Futurama,” so the films would be thrown into production limbo for another decade.

Spike Lee
-A pioneer in the voice of the black community on film, Lee would tackle a lot in his trilogy which would be centered on an aged Lando Calrissian (now played by Denzel Washington). One movie could deal with the fact that there are almost no other African Americans in the films, and another might just be a direct remake of Lee’s classic “He Got Game,” but with zero gravity basketball.

Stephen Soderbergh
-A Sheryl Crowe soundtrack, shaky cam tracking shots, and a surprise Jude Law performance would fill the trilogy if the Dalai Lama of Indie Drama was hired for the job. The plot would be centered on a single bill trying to get passed in the Galactic Senate. Even though critics and average-joes alike universally panned the Senate scenes of “Attack of the Clones”, Soderbergh would take this as a challenge to focus solely on them and make them sublime. The majority of filmgoers wouldn’t last through the first hour, which would include a 15-minute monologue from a Womp rat farmer who wants just subsidiary compensation for his lost acres of Jundland Waste from the Civil War. 



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