By Brian Long
Well, we’re finally down to the wire folks. The final four episodes of Degrassi this season. It’s a big deal because we are bidding adieu to some major characters: Holly J, Riley-who has literally done nothing this season, Anya, Sav “The Ballah” Bandari, and Shonaty. Poor Shontay, you were on this show for almost ten years and got one storyline. One.
Anyhoo, I think Fiona and Holly J only speak in catch-up exposition conversations, because once again we are getting opening the episode with a conversation between these two that reminds us of everything that has been going on this past season. Fiona runs into her ex, Charlie who is having a big art show. I have a theory that Charlie is actually an elaborate hoax set up by Banksy, but that’s another article.
Anya is still planning on joining the army when she discovers that *gasp* it’s hard! You have to run and do sit-ups and stuff! Oh, and she decides to go with Riley to prom. Fiona says she’ll have to check “lesbian prom date dot com” for a replacement date which, ironically enough, was a business I started before the dot com bubble burst.
Meanwhile, She-JJJ and Drew are discussing prom when he decides he’s cool with Merosal Can. Wow, they sure dropped that Jacoby Ellsbury hates Merosal plot right quick didn’t they? It’s like the writer of this episode hated that idea and just said screw it. She-JJJ is uncomfortable though because, being a synthetic replicant, she’s not sure of the appropriate behavior when courting a male especially during the reproductive-what’s that? She’s not a robot? Jesus. She needs to get out more. She explains that she’s nervous about her first time to Mersoal Can who tells her that she should tell Drew to get an STD check-up since he “took Bianca to the boiler”-which is my new favorite code for sex; ie: “he took Bianca to the boiler room last night…if you know what I mean-and to stall him so they don’t have to have sex after prom. Because everyone gets laid after prom. EVERYONE!
*hangs head in shame*
Anya gets amateur boot camp training from Jerk-off guy whose name I don’t care to remember in what might be the greatest sport training scene since Rocky IV (this movie has twenty montages) but only after he shouts at her: “I don’t help cokeheads, BUT I WILL PUNCH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.”
Fiona decides to ask Charlie to the prom and tries to surprise her at her studio. By the way, Charlie getting surprised by Fiona was some of the most uncomfortable acting I’ve ever seen. It was like watching two fish flail around. And we finally get the return of Charlie’s absurdly named cat: MR. TUXEDO PANTS! Charlie painted a pretty serial killer-esque portrait of Fiona and she agrees to go to prom with her. This scene left me with one big question: How old is Charlie? I really feel like the Canadian police would frown upon her relationship with Fiona. Later in the episode, Fiona goes to the show and buys the painting. Someone mentions that Fiona’s full name is Fiona Coin. Waitasec. Fiona’s last name is Coin? Oh, come on. Why not just name her Fiona Moneybags?!? All seems well when oh snap, Charlie’s got a girlfriend! Somehow the drama of Fiona drinking again is lessened by the fact that she has to talk to a cat named “Mr. Tuxedo Pants.” And she totally just lets him go into the dangerous streets of Canada. Also, Fiona’s mom goes to nine luncheons a week at least.
Part two begins here andI didn’t realize until tonight how much Adam’s clapping in the theme song reminds me of Brendan Fraser’s clapping. Fiona starts whining to Holly J about EVERYTHING but it turns out Holly J can’t go to prom cause of her kidney transplant. So, shut-up Fiona.
Oh, and in case you forgot, Holly J is going to Yale. THANKS SIMPSON!
She-JJJ’s plan backfires because Drew thinks that it means she wants to jump his bones as soon as possible. She describes him as “a kid with a cookie” which is a pretty good summary of Drew’s entire character. As well as announcing his clean STD slate in front of Merosal Can. When She-JJJ goes to Drew’s house, after she attempts robotic sexiness, Drew reveals he didn’t want to have sex that day! He just wanted her to meet Momzilla!
…
OH DEAR GOD! GET OUT OF THERE SHE-J. JONAH JAMESON!
And so we end with the Degrassi graduation ceremony. Wait, so what exactly was the seating arrangement at the Degrassi graduation ceremony? Simpson is just announcing kids at random and they have to crawl out of their rows one-by-one to get on stage. And he’s not even announcing them in alphabetical order. He said Sav’s name last. Degrassi graduations must take 5 hours.
Tomorrow night we end the season at prom. Which occurs the day after graduation for some reason.
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