By Spence Blazak, with help from The Bible
I, Spence Blazak, am an avid Giants fan. Many moons ago, I always used to wonder why people liked crappy sports teams. The Bills? Come on, now. Their only purpose is for me to make snarky football jokes about them, i.e…….alright, I've got nothing. But anyway, this year I took a long, hard look in the mirror and discovered something…my team was now the crappy one. A doormat for the Eagles. A mere sparring partner for the Cowboys, the biggest sports franchise in America. And the bandwagon fans who had hopped on for Big Blue after the Superbowl win have responded to two consecutive playoff misses by switching wheels to the Gang Green wagon. Times are tough. The Giants Nation is like a bag of kittens who have been thrown in a river. Or are we ACTUALLY like Dumbledore's pet phoenix: a once glorious bird who exploded into a pile of ash, only to resurge as an even better bird who helps Harry Potter beat the basilisk. Get out the four bean salad and crack open the can of pizza flavored Pringles, folks, because I have one goal and one goal only in this article: to show you why the 2011-2012 Super Bowl trophy is the Giants' to lose.
Reason 1: The Jonah Effect
For our readers out there who didn't spend years at Jesus school, Sunday school, and a week at Christian sailing camp (a real thing), the Biblical story of Jonah is a classic one. God wanted Jonah to do something, but Jonah responded "Nah man, that aint me," and went to hide on a fishing boat where he thought God wouldn't find him. God was pissed off. So He sent a bunch of storms at the boat until the fishermen realized if they made that land lubber Jonah walk the plank, the storm would cease. Jonah walked, was eaten by a whale, and then all was right in the world. Punter Matt Dodge is our Jonah. With him gone and metaphorically eaten by a fish, the stars are once again aligned.
Reason 2: The too-bad-to-be-true offseason
It was like the beginning of the movie Varsity Blues. Everything is promising, all is right in the world, it should be a season for the Texas record books then BOOM Billy Bob gets a concussion, QB Paul Walker breaks every bone in his body, you realize that the funny pig who hangs out with the team doesn't talk, and then the lovable coach turns out to be a racist. Everything falls apart. But we all know how it ends….with that dweeby replacement quarterback being accepted into Brown! I won't highlight the tragedies of the Giants' off season because I've fulfilled my quota for crying today, but believe me, it was rough. These plot lines are unbelievable, no writer could ever be outlandish enough to make it up. Fan favorite Steve Smith deserting his team for our arch nemesis the Eagles(comment whether you think his nickname should be Judas, Benedict Arnold, or Benedict Judas )? Clutch tight end Kevin Boss leaving in the peak of his career for the Raiders because we didn't feel like paying him (i will miss singing "Like a Boss' after every one of his first down conversions)? Savior draftee Prince Amukamara blowing out his ACL before he played a single down? Superbowl XLII hero Plaxico Burress flipping us the bird as he goes off to join NYC's new favorite team? We are truly the Job of the NFL. After all this, its just a matter of time before we get that acceptance letter from Brown.
Reason 3: Pride cometh before the fall
New Jersey has become plagued with five other types of fans: Jets, Cowboys, Eagles, Steelers, and Patriots. The Steelers stay out of my way and we never play them, so I have no problem there. They are like a rabid cat who walks on the other side of the street. They give me the "Hey. Do you're own thing, just as long as you don't bite my leg and infect me, we're good" mentality. As for the other four teams, their arrogance emanates from every blade of turf grass that they befoul. And we all know that when Mother Nature sees arrogance, she immediately sets a crash course to fuck with them. Hard. The Jets are already a living example of this. Every year, Rex Ryan swears on his cat's grave that he will win the Super Bowl no matter what. They have gotten to the AFC championship and lost twice in two years. He has sworn it again, and by gum it will happen again. He has doomed himself. As for the Cowboys, in 2009 they opened up their ridiculous new stadium. The ad campaign called it "The 8th Wonder of the World". Do you know who else used that campaign? The evil circus men who captured the Ape in King Kong. We all know how that ended....a dead monkey on Fifth Avenue. Now Cowboys are currently in the midst of the monkey escaping and killing everyone in the city. Jerry Jones called the 2010 Cowboys "the best team I've ever seen on paper". They ended 7-9. Another prophecy fulfilled. The Patriots and Eagles are just….the spawn of Lucifer himself. I don't need to back myself up on that one. No offense to my Eagles fan readers.
Reason 4: The Giants place in this world is to spoil
The Patriots' place is to demonstrate well played football, the Cowboys' place is to be a well run cash cow, and the Giants ' place is to spoil everyone's fun. Super Bowl XLII. February 2007. New England and every bandwagon fan in America was rooting for the Patriots to be the first completely undefeated team since the schedule had expanded to 16 games a season. History was doomed to be made. They had been to the Super Bowl and won several times in recent memory, all their players were healthy and incredible, and they were playing the Giants. THE GIANTS. The Cleveland Browns of the East Coast. Big Blue had bullshitted their way into the playoffs and somehow gotten past the Packers in the NFC championship by a field goal. They were cute. Then………………..……they won. No one knows why or how it happened, but it did. The Patriots ate their words, and put their pre-made 19-0 t-shirts into the Salvation Army bin. The Giants did not deserve the Lombardi Trophy by any means, but by an act of God, it was theirs. Spoilers. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Go G-Men.
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