Softknocks: A Season Following the Flag Football Team "The Wookiees"

By Spence Blazak

Let me start off with a brief explanation. I had no idea that this was going to be a series let alone an article until exactly fourteen minutes ago. I apologize to all the fans of Wookiee Wednesday out there who have been looking for more content lately, but now we will have another weekly series that I'm hoping will happily replace our Degrassi season coverage. I don't mean to come off as snooty in any way, but this is definitely one of the better ideas that I've had in awhile. I promise entertainment even to those who know nothing about football. Call it a parody of Moneyball, call it a parody of Hardknocks, hell, even call it a remake of Major League, because honestly, I think it might be a mixture of all three and maybe even a little more.

I will be documenting the season of my new beloved football team, "The Wookiees". They belong to the Rutgers Intramural Flag Football League (affectionately called the RIFFL). You will learn to know and love every player as well as everyone behind the scenes, and let me promise you that everything that happens will be real. No exaggerations, just fact. Some things will be very hard to believe, because most things that happen to us will be too ridiculous to be true, but you have my personal guarantee that I will resist my hyperbolic ways for this series.

I will make a new post weekly discussing practice, pre game, game, post game, and anything at all that has relevance to the Wookiees. Let me take a moment to introduce you to our current cast of characters.

Evan: The team's center. Owner. Currently waiting for someone to reimburse him for the forty dollar fee he put down to get us into the league. Makes funny faces. From Kansas. Proudly smokes Camel Reds.

Goodhand: Wide receiver. The only person on the team who can be dubbed "athletic". Shaves every morning, and goes to bed with a goatee every night. Plays rugby for the school team. Scares me when I see him run at me. Big fan of Black&Milds.

Michael: The Quarterback. Sometimes has a mustache, which is a fan favorite. Does a funny impression of Charlie from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Enjoys long walks on the beach, and watching Family Feud every night.....Every. Single. Night

James: Wide receiver. Lives next door. Plays golf, and played his first three games of Madden this week. Listens to more British rock than Ringo Starr. Has a Dazed and Confused poster hanging over his bed. Enjoys watching Entourage, and isn't sure where the show stops and reality begins, which gives backstory to his quotation: "Aquaman is my favorite superhero movie........what do you mean it doesn't exist?" Proudly smokes Marlboro 99s.

Rips: Alternate Quarterback. One of the smartest humans in the tri-state area. Has the body structure of Jack Skellington. Smokes more cigarettes than a Lost Generation poet living in 1920's Paris. He is very proud of the last sentence just typed.

Bayo: Wide receiver. My roommate. Increases the diversity factor of our team. Currently nursing a career ending basketball injury to his wrist. Not sure if he can still catch. Going to test that out at some point...................

Spence: General Manager/Tight End/"Grand Poobah." Runs the team with an iron fist. Sets weekly goals for team. Week One goal: show up. Stay tuned to find out if the goal is accomplished. SPOILER ALERT: You won't be surprised by the outcome. Bases every one of his plays on the "Ask Madden" feature in Madden 10. Quoted to have said "I think of myself as the Billy Beane of RIFFL. Billy Beane reinvented the way people looked at MLB stats and got players who didn't look like your typical athletes. He hired fats to play for him. I'm doing the same thing. I hired smokers and people who I don't know that I meet on the street. I also run the fake punt play on second down. Who is changing the world more? Wait until we win the trophy and you'll see......There is a trophy if we win right?"

Stay tuned.