By Spence Blazak
The night before the big game. We spend it with half the team doing a team building exercise: having Bayo teach us about dew rags. After learning their purpose, Evan attempts to try it on, looking like a toddler with a plastic bag over its head. Once we pull it away and save his life, Bayo demonstrates the proper technique. He then told us that when he goes to the bathroom with one on, people who he talks to daily don't recognize him. We all wish that that wasn't so funny. Then we all take pictures of us wearing the dew rag. There is no way we can't win this game.
Rips: "Hey Bayo, can you wear the dew rag to the game? For intimidation factor?"
GAMEDAY
Debating between which song to use for our march out theme. Its between a Scottish bagpipe song….THAT HAS A DUBSTEP BREAKDOWN or the "Miami Hurricanes Theme" where they say "THE U, ITS ALL ABOUT THE U" over and over again. Choices like this suck. I'd rather pick which one of my children I'd sell for gold.
Text from Goodhand: "Got a football. Its good. Its Nike. Hopefully our other sponsors won't mind"
My game plan. Class gets out at 5:50. The game starts at 7. I will quickly grab takeout and go to the bus, meeting the team there. Then I remember that the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry. Its only a matter of time before I see where everything goes awry……
PREGAME
Get out of class, check my phone, Goodhand and his roommate say they will meet us at the field. No biggie. Then I realize it is raining. And it keeps getting harder. I head back to my room, put on pants, send the mass text out, and meet up with the gang at the dining hall. We have me, Evan, Rips, Bayo, and Michael. A whole team! And possible backups! How can we lose! Michael, Bayo, and I head down to the takeout hall. Its pasta night. Thats a bad omen. A VERY bad omen.
Pasta night is worse than a case of ebola. If Satan came from the depths of hell for one night, and one night only, it is to possess the noodles and sauce of pasta night. The pasta's secret ingredient is the tears of Kenyan orphans.
Any way, I haven't eaten since my daily bowl of Cookie Crisp that morning, so I suffer through. The lunch lady sweetens the deal with Twinkies. I make eye contact with Bayo in the other line. He gives me the "I fucking hate pasta night" face. I smell trouble. That face never leads to good.
Michael and I head upstairs to meet up with the gang until we realize…..WE LOST BAYO. We look, we shout, we shout louder, we panic, we march back to the rest of the team.
Evan: "Twinkies! Nice! So where is Bayo?"
Me: "……………………………………………………………………….……."
Rips: "HOW DID YOU LOSE OUR ONLY BLACK KID!!!! WE ARE DOOMED!!!!"
Me: "Easy guys, we will go to the bus stop, pick up a few of the Princess Leah Cheerleading squad, and I'm sure Bayo will turn up."
On the way to the bus stop, Evan chimes in: "I finally remember the first few rules of the RIFFL handbook. Rule 1 was don't show up intoxicated. Rule 2 was don't talk about RIFFL. I took Rule 1 as a dare. I'm a few deep. FOOBAWWWL!"
I spend the rest of the bus ride there trying to figure out if he was kidding.
As we sit on the bus and wait for it to leave the station, Rips sees that there is an empty bus going to Cook/Douglass behind us as well. It seems like it will leave more quickly, so we all pile off and go to the new bus. Then the bus driver says its out of service. FUCK! WE RUN BACK TO THE FIRST BUS JUST AS THE DOOR IS CLOSING! I see our hopes and dreams of victory driving away…..then at the last second the other guy who we convinced to come with us to the other bus bangs on the door with his fists with Herculean strength.
The doors open. He will get his name on the championship trophy.
To recap, we have 4 players with us, we need 5 to not forfeit, if we forfeit tonight we are out of the league, we have twenty minutes to get to the field, and we are on a bus that will take fifteen minutes. Also, we have Kelly and Laura leading the Leahs for the game. Its okay though! Goodhand will be there!
Text from Goodhand: "I'm going to be late." My reaction.
Michael: "So when we get all the way to forfeit in person-"
Me: "SHUTTUP"
Michael: "Maybe we should shave Kelly's head and put a hat on her. I think she can pass as a boy."
We all slowly turn our heads to look at Kelly. Its like the old cartoons with two guys stranded on an island, and one of the guys hungrily looks at the other one and imagines he is a hot dog. Honestly? The only thing that stops us is that we don't have a razor.
Rips: "You know where the field is right?"
Me: "Ummm yeah. I think its the Athletic Center….right Evan?"
Evan: "Why are you asking me like I know?"
Oh fuck.
We don't actually know where we are going.
I say a prayer.
Dear God,
Please. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
Love,
Spence
Evan: "I can't believe I woke up from a fucking nap for this. This is worse than that last practice when you almost tripped over that beaver." Sadly, this really happened. That would have been my career ending injury: A beaver snapped my Achilles tendon.
Kelly: "Who are you playing today?"
Me: "……The New Gibbons Housing Project. I might as well just tear my own ACL now."
I get a call from Commissioner Voldemort. He tells me to hurry. We arrive at the stop. I run as fast as I can to the Athletic Center front desk. I'm winded.
Me: "WHERE…..IS……GAME!!!!!!"
D-Bag at the front desk: "……you didn't see the field over there? Wow."
Me in my head: "How does it feel that your conception was an accident?"
Me in real life: Nothing. Runs back to team. Motions with hand to make way to field. Five minutes to get there before we are disqualified. If we get there in time, we get disqualified any way for not having enough players. The Wookiees may have finally met their match and they haven't even taken one snap. What the hell have I done to this team? No sign of Goodhand, Bayo, or any of the other recruits. We see the golf cart with Commisioner Voldemort.
I wait at the gallows for the executioner to come. He walks over.
Voldemort: "Hey Spence, I'm really sorry for the inconvenience. The New Gibbons Housing Project's captain just called me and said his team was 'afraid of the wet.' Direct quote. I don't know if he realized it stopped raining. Any way, looks like you guys get the W."
WOOOOOOOKIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSSS WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
Before he is finished, I am already sprinting down the field with my shirt off pumping my fist. The sun appears just above the rain clouds, and illuminates the few remnant drops of rain that fall onto me. I feel like Andy Dufresne right after he climbed out of the sewer of the prison and was a free man. What a roller coaster day.
Me: "Do you have any extra rule books?"
Voldemort: "We gave those out at the captains meeting"
Me: "…………………captains meeting?"
Everyone groans. He fills us in on the rules we were questioning at practice. Looks like our plays will all work. ITS BAYO!!!!!!
Bayo: "I thought when I made that face about the pasta you would know I was going to have a sit down dinner."
Me: "Alright, congratulations on the win. Lets run a few plays."
Rips: "Hold on"
He runs back to his jacket, gets a cigarette, returns and throws the ball with it dangling out of his mouth's corner.
Evan: "CAN I GO FINISH MY FUCKING NAP NOW!"
The Wookiees are back.
POST GAME
Me: "Hey Kelly, wanna see the picture of this cute girl I'm talking to?"
Kelly: "YeahI"
I show her the picture from last practice of Scarlett Johansson with her "Johanssons" out. Her reaction is the same as that Nazi whose face explodes at the end of Indiana Jones.
Needless to say, I attempt to do it several more times.
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