What I Will Do With My Mega Millions Winnings

^Bow Wow in Lottery Ticket

By Spence Blazak

-Go to a club with Wiz Khalifa and make it "rain." Then turn him over to the police for drug possession.

-Buy a funny vest for my cat, Allie, and a pink polo for her sister, Zoey.

-Buy the Indiana Pacers and have all of my friends in the starting lineup. Along with Kwame Brown.

-Pay someone to paint over Princeton's "Welcome to Princeton University!" sign so that it says "Welcome to MY DAD/SOB STORY GOT ME INTO THIS STUPID SCHOOL! GO SPEEEEEEENCE".

-Bribe Pepsi to convert the entirety of its product line back into Pepsi Blue.

-Force Rutgers to carry Coca-Cola products.

-Buy a zoo. JUST with elephants.

-Enslave those elephants and ride through town, reenacting this:

-Get Larry David to hang out with me.

-Find love in a hopeless place.

-Get Hollywood to let me do a remake of You, Me, and Dupree.

-Get all the roles from my high school plays that I got screwed out of and force the high school's director to come see me in them.

-Challenge Broncos Linebacker Vonn Miller to a race. AND WIN.

-Get a press conference together where the creators of Lost have to explain their personal beliefs on what the ending meant. Then expose them for the frauds they are……..the show has no purpose at all once you see the ending!

-Go back to the TCNJ soccer house, find that guy who called me "Frankenstein" and threw his beer at me, and kick his butt!!!

-Pay off Stan Lee to tuck me into bed and read me Spiderman comics…..then spoon with me.

-Buy Taylor Swift

How to Pick Your March Madness Teams with Spence-logic

By Spence Blazak

Last year was the first time I ever won March Madness. Do you know how I did it? BALLS. No other reason. Until this year, I knew next to nothing about college basketball, and all that got me the W was staying true to the rules I laid for myself many moons ago. This article is for those of you who want to curb your gambling addiction through a bracket even though you don't know too much about college basketball. I'm here to reveal a few of my secrets. Why would a magician reveal his tricks before the brackets were all accounted for? I'll tell you. I'm a whore for blog views. Now how about those tips!

1. If your Elite Eight consists of all #1 and #2 seeds, you are a d-bag. Tear up your bracket and go home.

2. Never make a change once you've written it down. Unless it was truly by accident and you put Ball State to win over Kentucky in the first round, leave it as is. I GUARANTEE that if you second guess yourself, you'll be wrong. I really want to pick UConn over Kentucky in the second round, but I already wrote down Kentucky. Nothing I can do.

3. Unless you have some attachment to the #1 overall seed, don't trust them. Front runners are a bad omen.

4. Pick teams if you think a player has a funny name.

ex. Last year's UConn had Kemba Walker who I affectionately called "Simba." This year's St. Mary's has a guy named Steve Holt (like the Arrested Development character)

5. Pick a team if they have a cool colored jersey you like.

6. Pick a team if they have a funny mascot.

ex. The Kansas Jayhawk. The Wichita State Wooshock. Cincinnati Bearcat (is it a bear or a cat? ITS BOTH!)

7. Be very wary if you have a bad omen about a school.

Personal examples: Duke is the scum of the Earth and bane of my existence. UNC denied my application. West Virginia celebrates things by burning coaches (whats next? ORPHANAGES?). Harvard is fucking Harvard. UNLV basically cheated for years and no one seems to care. Ohio State is dumb. Kentucky's Anthony Davis (see above) looks like Sesame Street's Bert...AND YET THEY HAVE NO ERNIE.

8. Also be wary if you have a good omen about a school.

Personal examples: Florida State beat my arch nemeses Duke and UNC in the span of 36 hours this week. My friends Dave and Matt have an Uncle Kirk who teaches at Creighton. The coach of Indiana has an adorable little daughter, and they beat Kentucky as well as Ohio State. VCU's head coach is named Shaka Smart and the student section holds up signs that say "Waka SHAKA Flame." Colorado had that funny video where the bison that comes out at every home football game escaped, and he had a personal stampede. Dave and Matt's grandpa went to Temple. Michigan State's mascot looks like the cooler brother of the Rutgers Scarlet Knight. My mom went to Kansas.

9. DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT JAY BILLAS TELLS YOU TO PICK ON ESPN.

10. Don't base anything on real basketball facts.

The Gentleman's Mosh Pit 2: The First Gig for People Who Don't Know We Are Kidding

By Spence Blazak

The power of rock and roll is nothing compared to the power of writing an essay on the manipulation of confusion as a stepping stone to narrative ambiguity by Francois Truffaut in his historic French New Wave film Don't Shoot the Piano Player. Thats why this took a month to write. Girls Suck So We're Gay Now has had a pretty beautiful month (excluding our 3 week hiatus), and I'll recap.

After our well received first gig, we do a similar gig the next night and add the song "Adam's Song" to our repertoire. The kids love it! At the end of the gig:

Me: "Way to go Mettler 1! You're the craziest place in the whole damn world!"

Someone doing their homework in the lounge: "Fuck off"

We then sit down and begin cracking away at writing our song "Michael Buble," which is about that beautiful moment in every boy's life when they make out with a girl and don't say one word to do so. I won't spoil too much, but its awesome and yes, we actually wrote it. All we need to do is record the vocals and get the MILLIONS OF DOLLARS from iTunes.

After practicing for 5 minutes, we get yelled at for being loud after quiet hours. Nick and I then go back to my room and quietly watch four episodes of How I Met Your Mother.

The first blog post about the band has been posted for a few hours at this point and I decide to ask my readers a question: since I am still friends on Facebook with 6 of the 10 girls that inspired our future song titles, which one of them will delete me first? That question answered itself before long. I suppose the inspiration for "You Peed in My Bed and Its My Fault" will never hear the beautiful song about her…..

I then am inspired for another song named "I Shaved My Chest for You and then You Banged Five Dudes When I Was Sick."

Now is the big leagues. We find out about a student coffee house night. I pack up a setlist, a posse of fans, my imagination, Nick, and a silly hat. We set out as mortals, but will return as gods. We get there and have to wait for two acts before us. The first act is a man with a deep, burly voice reading an original poem about the sexuality of trees. I'll just let you figure out for yourself what he thought of bark. Then two gay guys performed a song. I immediately get terrified to say our band's name and offend everyone until I remember something……….

YOLO (You only live once, for our non college age readers)

Nick is busy tuning his untunable guitar, and i have to stall, so I do what anyone would do in that situation…….bad standup directed at the hot drunken blonde girl in the front row.

Just as I have gone on for too long and am about to be removed from the stage so someone else can go, Nick arrives and we begin. As he begins playing the opening notes of "I Miss You," I realize the girl from before is staring at my crotch. Note to self: use crotch stuff next time. Then we begin.

Why take my word for it? HERE IS THE GIG.

We run away and skip all the way back down College Avenue to our dorm. SO THIS IS HOW CAESAR FELT!!!!!!!!!! The adrenaline pumps through us for the rest of the night at the party we go to.

Top 3 pick up lines of the night:

Me: "Man, its nice to let some steam off after working hard IN MY BAND"

Me, wearing cat whiskers: "Hey I don't have many human friends, since I'm half cat, could you help me out?"

Me: "This is my friend, he did shrooms today!"

Every one of those girls had a boyfriend.

The next few days we enter our video of the performance into a talent show and are forced to change the band's name to "#NBD". Yeah. We sold out. BUT THE PRIZE WAS FIFTY BUCKS! We aren't made of stone!

We lost.

As we are editing the video, we realize that a few minutes in, a girl yells "can I sleep with you?" Nick and I high five and do a lap around Mettler. As we look at it again to make sure we heard correctly….we didn't. "Can I sing with you?" We are heartbroken and vow to never tell a soul of the incident……...

Nick then comes up with the idea of getting someone to form another pop punk band just so we can have an absurd rivalry with them. Brilliant. He also has the idea that he breaks off from the band and makes a side project, but I just join him anyway, so we are two different bands at once. Osome.

All in all, it looks like the world is a very bright place for Girls Suck So We're Gay Now. Except for all those girls with boyfriends……DAMN!

Bracketology: Spongebob Edition

By Spence Blazak

Its that time of year again. People realize how many schools actually have the Bulldog as a mascot, illegal gambling takes place nation wide, and I make my annual case to postpone the NCAA tournament 3 months and call it "June Lunacy." Its Bracketology time, kids, and to celebrate the Madness in March I will be joining many of the other internet jesters by constructing a Bracket that (wait for it) HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BASKETBALL!

Brackets can be used to solve virtually any problem. Even Barney on How I Met Your Mother used it to figure out which of the women that he banged was trying to kill him! AND WE ALL KNOW HE IS COOL! Brackets can also help with some other questions. Which is the coolest flag? Which is the best Bee Gees song? What kind of talking animal would be the funniest? And now I will answer the question that has plagued man since long before the invention of fire, the wheel, or even stairs. Which Spongebob episode is the funniest?

I spent many a long hour slaving over the seeding, placement, and which of the bubble teams would make it, but now I have my bracket. I will be holding debates in the comments on Facebook. Argue in favor of your favorite episode, and I will post the Sweet Sixteen along with discussions later this week.

I'm ready.

VIEW THE BRACKET

Episodes that just missed the cut:

Just One Bite

Krab Borg

Spongebob Breaks His Butt

The Christmas Episode

The Nasty Patty

F.U.N.

Pretty Patties

Rock Bottom

Sailor Mouth

Accents Come and Go, But the Dead Will Walk Forever

By Chris Hubbard

The hit show The Walking Dead, is easily the most popular show among people my age (23) today that isn’t about vampires (though I’m waiting for Rick to drop that bombshell at some point next season. I expect a 45 min. episode where he and Lorrie talk about it, and nothing gets resolved.) Every person I know watches, has seen, or is currently catching up on the show. And so, I think it’s time to go over all the things The Walking Dead is teaching us about the zombie apocalypse, and about life.

These are the lessons The Walking Dead has taught me over the last 1.5 seasons.

1) Southern women are not attractive unless they’re a cliché (i.e. the farmer’s daughter) other than that they all look like malnourished bobbleheads with bitch-face. EDITOR’S NOTE FROM SPENCE: “The southern belle who gave me the tour of UNC was the most beautifulest person in the world. She said ‘Ya’ll”! I’ll leave now…”

2) A southern accent is impossible to hold in the stress of a post-apocalyptic world, so no one even tries any more.

3) Most Zombies have a hard time holding onto their legs from the torso down. It has something to do with stray, waist high horizontal circular saws.

4) Zombies that do hold onto their legs can’t run. Why can’t zombies run again? They grasp speed walking, but somehow the primal instinct to feed on flesh at all costs is so powerful that their minds have been reduced to exclude the ability to travel in excess of 1mph.

5) Don’t let women use guns. It never ends well. Only traditional gender roles are acceptable, even in the zombie apocalypse. No, ESPECIALLY in the zombie apocalypse. Give women guns, next thing you know they’ll be going off to do the needless tasks while the men stay at home and cook!

6) If someone kills and ingests a living chicken, they aren’t sick; they’re either fucking insane, or zombies. You can wait all you want for a cure, but either way, are you really going to get this person back in the end? I mean, you’re always going to have the image of them eating a living chicken in the back of your head. Your loved one, biting off the chicken’s head, blood and feathers everywhere. I mean, carnies do it, but do you really want to be as good as a carnie? Fuck it, they’re as good as dead at this point, mourn them and move on.

7) People from Philly will try to steal your land.

8) Even in the apocalypse, in the worst traffic jam you’ve ever seen, people will obey the traffic laws and remain on the correct side of the road. Because without the law, are we really any better than the mindless zombies? Or carnies?

9) If you’re shot, you’re pretty much fucked barring a miracle. But if your leg is impaled by a fence, and it seems like even with all modern medicine has to offer you should probably never be able to move it again, you’ll be fine in a few weeks.

10) The best way to survive in the zombie apocalypse is to find a farm. Zombies don’t go there. Ever. I mean, why would they? There’s no reason. There’s just like, tons of farm animals, and zombies are only insatiable killing machines. Those two have nothing to do with each other at all. Unfortunately, there aren’t any farms in the United States. Especially not in the densely populated Southern states.