Last year was the first time I ever won March Madness. Do you know how I did it? BALLS. No other reason. Until this year, I knew next to nothing about college basketball, and all that got me the W was staying true to the rules I laid for myself many moons ago. This article is for those of you who want to curb your gambling addiction through a bracket even though you don't know too much about college basketball. I'm here to reveal a few of my secrets. Why would a magician reveal his tricks before the brackets were all accounted for? I'll tell you. I'm a whore for blog views. Now how about those tips!
1. If your Elite Eight consists of all #1 and #2 seeds, you are a d-bag. Tear up your bracket and go home.
2. Never make a change once you've written it down. Unless it was truly by accident and you put Ball State to win over Kentucky in the first round, leave it as is. I GUARANTEE that if you second guess yourself, you'll be wrong. I really want to pick UConn over Kentucky in the second round, but I already wrote down Kentucky. Nothing I can do.
3. Unless you have some attachment to the #1 overall seed, don't trust them. Front runners are a bad omen.
4. Pick teams if you think a player has a funny name.
ex. Last year's UConn had Kemba Walker who I affectionately called "Simba." This year's St. Mary's has a guy named Steve Holt (like the Arrested Development character)
5. Pick a team if they have a cool colored jersey you like.
6. Pick a team if they have a funny mascot.
ex. The Kansas Jayhawk. The Wichita State Wooshock. Cincinnati Bearcat (is it a bear or a cat? ITS BOTH!)
7. Be very wary if you have a bad omen about a school.
Personal examples: Duke is the scum of the Earth and bane of my existence. UNC denied my application. West Virginia celebrates things by burning coaches (whats next? ORPHANAGES?). Harvard is fucking Harvard. UNLV basically cheated for years and no one seems to care. Ohio State is dumb. Kentucky's Anthony Davis (see above) looks like Sesame Street's Bert...AND YET THEY HAVE NO ERNIE.
8. Also be wary if you have a good omen about a school.
Personal examples: Florida State beat my arch nemeses Duke and UNC in the span of 36 hours this week. My friends Dave and Matt have an Uncle Kirk who teaches at Creighton. The coach of Indiana has an adorable little daughter, and they beat Kentucky as well as Ohio State. VCU's head coach is named Shaka Smart and the student section holds up signs that say "Waka SHAKA Flame." Colorado had that funny video where the bison that comes out at every home football game escaped, and he had a personal stampede. Dave and Matt's grandpa went to Temple. Michigan State's mascot looks like the cooler brother of the Rutgers Scarlet Knight. My mom went to Kansas.
9. DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT JAY BILLAS TELLS YOU TO PICK ON ESPN.
10. Don't base anything on real basketball facts.
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