By Chris Hubbard
The hit show The Walking Dead, is easily the most popular show among people my age (23) today that isn’t about vampires (though I’m waiting for Rick to drop that bombshell at some point next season. I expect a 45 min. episode where he and Lorrie talk about it, and nothing gets resolved.) Every person I know watches, has seen, or is currently catching up on the show. And so, I think it’s time to go over all the things The Walking Dead is teaching us about the zombie apocalypse, and about life.
These are the lessons The Walking Dead has taught me over the last 1.5 seasons.
1) Southern women are not attractive unless they’re a cliché (i.e. the farmer’s daughter) other than that they all look like malnourished bobbleheads with bitch-face. EDITOR’S NOTE FROM SPENCE: “The southern belle who gave me the tour of UNC was the most beautifulest person in the world. She said ‘Ya’ll”! I’ll leave now…”
2) A southern accent is impossible to hold in the stress of a post-apocalyptic world, so no one even tries any more.
3) Most Zombies have a hard time holding onto their legs from the torso down. It has something to do with stray, waist high horizontal circular saws.
4) Zombies that do hold onto their legs can’t run. Why can’t zombies run again? They grasp speed walking, but somehow the primal instinct to feed on flesh at all costs is so powerful that their minds have been reduced to exclude the ability to travel in excess of 1mph.
5) Don’t let women use guns. It never ends well. Only traditional gender roles are acceptable, even in the zombie apocalypse. No, ESPECIALLY in the zombie apocalypse. Give women guns, next thing you know they’ll be going off to do the needless tasks while the men stay at home and cook!
6) If someone kills and ingests a living chicken, they aren’t sick; they’re either fucking insane, or zombies. You can wait all you want for a cure, but either way, are you really going to get this person back in the end? I mean, you’re always going to have the image of them eating a living chicken in the back of your head. Your loved one, biting off the chicken’s head, blood and feathers everywhere. I mean, carnies do it, but do you really want to be as good as a carnie? Fuck it, they’re as good as dead at this point, mourn them and move on.
7) People from Philly will try to steal your land.
8) Even in the apocalypse, in the worst traffic jam you’ve ever seen, people will obey the traffic laws and remain on the correct side of the road. Because without the law, are we really any better than the mindless zombies? Or carnies?
9) If you’re shot, you’re pretty much fucked barring a miracle. But if your leg is impaled by a fence, and it seems like even with all modern medicine has to offer you should probably never be able to move it again, you’ll be fine in a few weeks.
10) The best way to survive in the zombie apocalypse is to find a farm. Zombies don’t go there. Ever. I mean, why would they? There’s no reason. There’s just like, tons of farm animals, and zombies are only insatiable killing machines. Those two have nothing to do with each other at all. Unfortunately, there aren’t any farms in the United States. Especially not in the densely populated Southern states.
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