By Spence Blazak
As my friend Dave once said when I got a breakaway in the first few minutes we ever played NHL 10, "this is where it ends." It's all over. The New Jersey Nets are a thing of the past (they are playing their last home game tonight, before moving to Brooklyn next year), and now it is time for me to do something I should have done a long time ago: apologize. I plan on giving them the best "I'm sorry" message since Ruben Studdard in this song or this lizard with his wife.
Dear New Jersey Nets,
I know why you are leaving. It's because of me. As a New Jerseyite I know that I should have faithfully followed you, but my haughty eyes gave in to my temptations before me. Yes. I decided to like the Celtics instead of you. Please forgive me.
I treated you like that nice girlfriend who gets taken advantage of. I made out with you, said I loved you, then dumped you on prom night and shacked up with your ex-best friend. But every once in awhile, I still call you up if I want to go to second base, because I know you will be down(on account of your "daddy issues").
I only saw you play twice. Once against the Chicago Bulls and once against the Atlanta Hawks. I only went because I wanted to see Derrick Rose and Brian Scalbrine. I'm not proud of what I've done. I plan on spending the rest of my empty life making it up to you.
I'm sorry, okay? What else do you want me to say? All right. I'll tell you all the things I'm sorry for, even though I doubt that will ease your hurt.
I'm sorry:
-That I only went to see Nets games so that I could see the visiting teams play.
-That I yelled "Hey Humph! I won't break your heart like Kim did!" at Kris Humphries right after his divorce.
-That I yelled to Brook Lopez: "LIFE REALLY WENT DOWN HILL AFTER STANFORD DIDN'T IT?!"
-That I frequently suggest making a banner that says: "The New Jersey Nets! Where Talent Goes to Die!"
-That I hit Sly the Fox on the butt.
-That I referred to the drug deal happening in the third floor bathroom as the most exciting thing to happen during the whole game.
-That I laughed when one of the Nets Dancers asked if I wanted a calendar with all of their pictures on it.
-That when I saw Taylor Swift perform in your arena, and it was one of the most depressing nights of my whole life, I said to myself "Hey, at least I didn't have to see the Nets lose as well!"
-That I laughed until I hurt myself when the only celebrity on the celeb cam was a random Jets practice squad running back.
-That I had the exact same reaction when Lil Bow Wow was at the other game.
-That it never gets old how the "Tinker Bell spreading pixie dust" noise is what they play when a Net makes his free throws.
-That I laughed when Bill Simmons ranked the Nets as the single least appealing NBA team to see play live, and he said their only savior was the slim possibility of seeing co-owner Jay-Z in the stands.
I'll remember you as you were: losing by double digits when I left 10 minutes early so that I could catch the train home.
I'll always love you,
Spence
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