To Whom It May Concern,
I take women's basketball VERY seriously. With the retiring of legendary women's basketball coach Pat Summit, I am throwing my hat (or should I say hand bag) into the ring for the head coaching position of the NCAA Women's Basketball program at the University of Tennessee. I was really banking on getting hired by the Raiders for their coaching job (as seen in this article), but I feel I am even more qualified to coach this group of gals. Through my answers to the following questions I'll show you, Tennessee Athletic Department, why I'm the right man for the job!
1. What experience do you have in the game of basketball?
-Can you say, MVP? Let's run through my long track record of playing:
-Middle School- In Eighth Grade I was the Kevin Love of the Christian School Basketball Circuit: Double-Double up in the hizzy every single night! Granted, I was several inches taller than the average power forward that matched up against me and my best move was telling jokes to the kid covering me so he would screw up, but hey, I'm sure Coach K does the same thing. I also learned in my tenure at St. Paul's how to foul a kid so he would be out for the whole game. My coach demonstrated this move on me to show the rest of team. I was out for the whole game.
-High School- Much like the plot of High School Musical, I had to choose between the school basketball team and the theater. I traded in my arm band and gatorade bottle for a script and a scarf......bad, bad call. I instead played in a Rec League. Over my junior and senior year, my team went 0-19. Why not 0-20, you ask? The league cancelled the last game when I almost got in a fight in the penultimate game. The other kid totally started it though. Also, the words "If you come over here, you will be eating out of a tube until you are 25" may or may not have been said. He keyed my car. (I believe this animalistic terror that I can strike into the fear of my opponent will translate well to the coaching level).
-In the "Student vs. Staff" basketball game, I had a 100% field goal percentage. I was then fouled in the face by a history teacher/ former U. Maine Offensive Tackle. I lightly broke part of my nose and sat out the rest of the game.
-College- Played in an intramural league. I was hit in the temple with the elbow of an ROTC recruit in the first half. I went through the rest of the game without throwing up (a testament to my will power and strength) before realizing I had a concussion and sitting out the rest of the season.
2. What is your relationship with the good state of Tennessee?
- At a house party, I once used the pick up line "Are you from Tennessee? Because you are the only ten I see!" She walked away.
3. What could you bring to the team?
-Testosterone. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that too much estrogen can lead to frequent outbreaks of the bubonic plague, so by hiring me, you will be saving the lives of these girls. Next, I can introduce a very interesting offensive move to the game: I watched the video "Michael Jordan's favorite move" on youtube. NO BODY can stop it! Also, we will advertise the games in a way that people will think they are played by Victoria's Secret models in lingerie. This will get male fannies in the seats. The cheerleaders will be fired and replaced with Chippendale's male strippers. This would get lonely females/future cat ladies (an untapped demographic) into the crowd. New slogan: "Come for the topless men, stay for the unblocked layups!"
4. What would your legacy as head coach be?
-A winner. A hero. A fighter. That guy who wore booty shorts to the March Madness Championship game.
5. Anything else you would like to add?
-I already own a coach's whistle, so there's that. I also promise to wear a full orange pantsuit to every game.
I'll expect my check and a "You're The Only Ten I See" guinea-T in the mail by Monday. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
S. Blazak
Coach Blazak does have a nice ring to it...
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