Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spence: My Life as a Spy

By Spence Blazak

Stone-cold jaw line, irises as creamy as a Hershey kiss, and an affinity for tangoing with femme fatales. I was made by God Himself to be a secret agent assassin.

My mission was this: The Scarlet Crusades. Everyone in my building was given a target who also lives there. To assassinate a target, one must put a sticker onto them. Simple enough? WRONG. This is a game that was filled with lies, intrigue, friendships that were tarnished, sex, How I Met Your Mother, me getting mad, and lots of Pirate's Booty.

I'll start at the beginning. The boys and I all register and wait for our target to come on Gmail. We sit in the lounge.

Me: "So how do you think this is going to turn out?"

Joe: "I'm going to lose."

Me: "….aaaaanybody else?"

James: "WE SHOULD USE THIS TO MEET THE HOT GIRLS FROM UPSTAIRS!"

Me: "That just might be -THE BEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD!"

Nick: "Yeah!"

Our plan is to walk up to one of the angels from upstairs, pretend that we are going to tag them, then ask them if they want to get married. It's truly a fool proof plan. We then go off on a tangent of the funniest pick up lines we can think of. The best one we have is "hey…we are twins and it is our birthday." Yes. We used it the following night. Yes. It worked. But that's another blog post for another day.

We then go off on another random tangent, securing the boys' place in my mind as "Rutgers' Answer to Seinfeld". This new tangent is about whether Wortortle the Pokemon is a tortoise or a turtle. Just as I yell "YOU FREAKING IDIOT, DO YOU THINK THAT ASH WOULD WASTE A POKE BALL ON A FREAKING TURTLE?!?!" one of the angels from upstairs walks by. I make a mental note to cross her off the list of potential women I will ever talk to again.

A few days later, I get my target. Irv from the second floor. It looks like I'm going to be in dangerous territory if I venture upstairs, so I decide to wait in my lair on the first floor, like a trap door spider waiting to pounce. I immediately forget about the game for a few days, like any great spy. How will my enemies know what I am thinking when I'm not thinking at all?! Genius.

In the meantime, all of my friends begin to fall. Cole from the second floor kills Joe immediately (as he prophesized…..poor Joe). James is killed by Shiv from the second floor (who has an A Beautiful Mind-esque web of connections on her notebook to figure out who is trying to assassinate whom). Cole kills Ben while he is studying for Chem. The bastard.

Then. All of a sudden. Everything changes.

I finish up my weekly shower and go to unlock my door, then receiving word that Irv is upstairs in his lounge. Unguarded.

Me: "All right. Let me put pants on first….eh.......YOLO"

I get Ben and Nick to be my bodyguards before heading upstairs with my assassin sticker. I then immediately have a wardrobe malfunction. But spies don't trifle themselves with "laws" or "caring about wardrobe malfunctions."

I see him. My target is on the phone. I walk by, pretending that I'm just "walking to the other side of the lounge". Then, the Black Mamba strikes. I tag him. I say, "I'm sorry." My calling card. My adrenaline is pumping. I then realize Irv was on the phone with his mom having a serious conversation. I run downstairs. I feel like a criminal. I'm such a badass now!…..I'm about to throw up.....

Shiv comes up to me and tells me that Irv's target was Marj, so now I have to tag her. Right on cue, Marj walks into my lounge.

Marj: "Spence! I know who your next target is!"

My mind: "THE JIG IS UP! I'M ALL WASHED UP! SOMEONE TELL NICK I'M SORRY I TOOK HIS RAMEN!"

Me: "Who?"

Marj: "Ryan at the front desk! Here is a sticker! Go get him now!"

I take the sticker and start to write the name of my target on it. I do this discretely. Like a badass. My hand shakes. "M-A-R-"

Marj: "Hurry it up Spence!"

I'm literally about to throw up.

I write the final "-J." I muster up all my courage, then tag Marj.

Marj: "Spence…..?"

Me: "I'M SORRY MARJ I HAD TO-'

Marj: "Spence you freaking idiot! Irv already killed me! DO YOU THINK I'M THAT STUPID!"

Me: This

I go, tag Ryan, then slink back to my room. My newest target is Jasmine from the third floor. So, once again, I wait.

In the meantime, I lie to Shiv and tell her I was killed to lower my profile. Also, our friend Jeremy is Cole's most recent target. Cole camps outside the bathroom and waits for Jeremy. Our boy somehow escapes and darts into Nick's room at the end of the hall. He then pulls out the screen and jumps out the window, sneaking away to the dining hall. Cole follows him out and tags him. One of the saddest things ever.

Days pass and the competition is always in the back of my mind. Like any great spy. We have a floor meeting about combatting racism in the building. A girl screams and runs through the lounge, immediately followed by her assassin. This scares some people into stop being racist, but mostly makes them just want more of the free chips.

Later that night, as I am sitting in my room eating the chips I stole from the meeting, I hear someone say "Jasmine" outside. I open my door just as she is running away, having been warned by Ryan my previous victim. So it goes.

I bide my time. Apparently someone named "Lisa" has me. This "Lisa" will have a pretty tough time catching the Black Mamba. That's me, in case you forgot.

As I sit in the lounge one night, I see Jasmine get into the elevator in the lobby. I immediately get up and run with the speed of an ocelot towards the metal doors. They start to close. I throw myself between the doors and it closes on me. It opens slightly and I get in.

Me: "You're Jasmine, right?"

Girl: "What? Haha. No. She lives down the hall from me."

Defeat. I awkwardly leave the elevator. I then run into my roommate.

Bayo: "YOU IDIOT THAT WAS HER!"

I then lay on the floor, go into fetal position, and make this noise.

Now, I find myself running from Cole. Somehow I bullshitted my way into the final four people. Anyway, he tailed me back from my Psych class, but couldn't get me on the crowded bus home. He then waited outside our building for me. I play it cool. I know he will screw up this hit on me. He comes over to me and says he needs to ask me something.

Me: "PISS OFF!"

I start to run like never before. My adrenaline is yet again pumping. There is nothing I want more right now than to win, win, win! He is getting closer. I contemplate throwing my back pack at his feet, then maybe he will trip and explode. Naw. I have my laptop in there. He leans forward to pin me. I make a fist and get ready to hit him in the face. What am I doing? What kind of a spy am I?

In the middle of my existential crisis, he tags me and I die. This all lasted about 4 seconds.

I'm a ghost now. Forever floating amidst the abysmal nothingness of College Ave campus. I retreat to my domicile. I swipe into the building.

Cole: "Hey, could you hold the door for me?"

I smile a Grinchy smile , then pull the door shut right behind me.

Me: "Piss off."

Game, Set, Spence.