Trailer Park: Abduction and Footloose: THE REMAKE!

Today's Trailer Park focuses on two movies. One that doesn't hide the fact that it's a remake, the other is pretty much a remake of two different movies. Also, I realize just how weird Taylor Lautner's voice is.

Abduction (watch the trailer here)

Poor Talyor Lautner, it must be so hard being in high school and being well-off and good looking. These are problems I can relate to and empathize with! So, he's hanging out and eating dinner with his parents including his dad, Lucius Malfoy. Then two spies show up at the door with pretty scary voices and they murder them. It’s a good thing though that he found out that they weren’t his real parents and that he’s a missing child. Although according to that photoshopped picture on that missing child website (because what high school girl ISN’T looking at missing child websites for fun?) his eyes should be way more googly. Anyway, it turns out that Taylor Lautner is some kind of Jason Bourne/Spy Kids mix and Doctor Octopus is trying to kill him. But at this point, anything is better than Twilight.

Footloose Remake (watch the trailer here)

Woo-hoo! Dancing! Everybody’s having fun! And-whoa. Car accident. Okay. This got dark. Well, I’m sure the local municipal government will have a reasonable reaction to this. So they decide to…ban dancing? Really? So, the screenwriters of this remake thought this would be a good way to explain the dancing ban? They don’t think they would have passed stronger curfew laws? Crack down on underage drinking? Hire more cops? Develop better after school programs? Educate students on the dangers of drunk driving? Close down these abandoned and presumably dangerous lots where kids are dancing? No? We’re gonna ban dancing? Makes as much sense as, well, as remaking Footloose.

Spence and Brian Pitch "Final Destination Six: You Must Be This Tall TO DIE"

Disclaimer: This movie will actually kill you.

By: Spence Blazak and Brian Long

It's become pretty clear to all of us here and Wookiee Wednesday that the Final Destination movies ain't going anywhere as long as someone can keep coming up with brutal and hilariously complex ways for sexy teenagers to die (and as long as they keep putting in the 3D boobs. Seriously. Thats where half the budget goes.). And we couldn't be more thrilled about it! In fact, we, Spence and Brian, have written a pitch for the next (and inevitable) Final Destination film. We'll just assume the check is in the mail, New Line Cinema.

Pre-Credits: A roomful of big wigs for some important company. One big wig leans in to a microphone on his desk and says, "Charlene, send Mr. D in." Death walks through the door, and we realize the company is Life!!!!!

Big Wig 2: "Ah. Death. Please, please come in. Can I get you anything? Danish? No? OJ? No? Lets get to business. You have caused us more PR problems than that time the Grim Reaper streaked at a Phillies game....killing everyone in the stands. You're resume is far from good. In fact, its quite stinky. You have botched 4 different big death scenes! After the first 3 times you didn't figure it out?!?!?! One last shot. A tunnel of love. Tonight at 6. In Oregon. If you fail, I'm going to write you a very nasty letter!!!!!!!!!!"

Opening Scene: Four couples (Greg, Wilma, Betty, Fred, Barney, Jessica, Ted, and Rachel) are enjoying the Semi-Annual Winter Springtime Fair on Halloween. And what trip to the fair ground would be complete without a stop at the Tunnel of Love? But the couples don't realize that the tunnel will be making a slight detour...TO HELL! Of course, Wilma, the perputal nag of the group has a vision of everyone being horribly killed in the Tunnel. Greg will be impaled by a swan boat! Rachel will fall into the water and drown! For some reason there's a rabid dog that bites Ted! Thankfully she manages to get a bunch of people out in time just before the Tunnel of Love becomes a Underpass of Destruction.

Death Number 1: One of the random strangers who managed to escape is actually an ex-con who was forced to listen to Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" every minute of every day for five years. As he's leaving the fair, a Soft Rock 66.6 truck drives by playing, you guessed it "Ironic." Isn't THAT ironic?!?!?!?! His head explodes. (Note to producers: this role should be played by the guy who played Boner on Growing Pains.)

Death Number 2: Fred decides to try his luck at the batting cages. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice that several pigeons have taken a dump on the pitching machine, disabling its "off" function. Fred's no sissy, so he goes to the Super Professional booth. He is pelted to death by baseballs while everyone else at the cages films it and immediately uploads it to Youtube.

Death Number 3/4: Jessica and Ted decide to go to a petting zoo. But Jessica doesn't realize that Ted's (kinda perverted) younger brother covered her underwear in animal pheromones and she is quickly eaten alive by a horde of baby goats. In his shock, Ted forgets he is allergic to peanuts and then he eats some peanuts.

Death Number 5: Rachel stays inside because she of her fear about dying. She puts on FX and Final Destination 2 is on. She dies from an existential crisis and from being too meta.

Death Number 6: Barney decides he's going to sue the fairground (LAWYERS, AM I RIGHT?). While walking across the fair ground he is almost crushed by a falling roller coaster track, run over by an out of control bumper car, and shanked by a carny. He dies when he falls into a cotton candy machine, leaving behind a horrific, albeit delicious, corpse.

Death Number 7: Betty returns to her job at a Segway store. While unloading inventory, the truck is struck by lighting, causing all of the Segways to turn on and run her over. (Note to producers: one of the many themes of this film is-environmentalism? Is it really worth it? We feel this scene really illustrates the movie's answer to that question: No.)

Death Number 8: Greg goes to the circus but all of the apes escape because their union negotiations for two extra banana bunches per hour and more bathroom breaks broke down. Also, their brain function has increased because the cure for Alzheimer's was tested on them. One gorilla rips his arms and legs off like a daddy long legs.

Death Number 9: Wilma is the only person left alive. We find out that her job is a truck driver! Which will totally surprise the audience because she's attractive (if anyone reading this is a female truck driver...we're joking...)! Anyway, she finds out she has to deliver a shipment of Mentos across the country. She crashes into a Diet Pepsi truck and is killed instantly in an explosion of taste.

Post Credit Sequence: Samuel L. Jackson steps out of the shadows and asks Death if he wants to join The Avengers.

Degrassi: Week 4 Part 1

Kiiiiddddnnneeeeyyyysss?

Oh man, great first half of the week for Degrassi. There’s a brand new dance but I don’t know its name: it’s Degrassi fashion show time. Holly J is preparing for a big fashion show thing at or maybe she is holding drill practice for her Female Fascists Furies of Canada. She-JJJ is there and she continues to act like a robot. Holly J decides that she’s going to have to show everyone how to work because she’s the goon squad and she’s coming to town! Okay, I’ll stop the Bowie references now. While she’s strutting her stuff Holly J hurts her leg and goes down. Side note: I love how the promo edited Holly J hurting her leg to look like she straight up died. She’s not dead though, she has EXTREME DEHYDRATION! Holly J’s kidney problems have gotten worse, which is probably because Holly J had like a million symptoms of possibly dying and yet she did nothing. Good. Great. Good and great. Thank God she lives in HEALTHY CANADA!

Let me preface this next part of the recap by saying I actually like the character of Adam Torres. Maybe it’s because he is perpetually getting kicked around in the show while that jerk-off KC gets to just do whatever he wants and work at a steakhouse. God. I hate that guy. Anyway, it’s seems as if She-JJJ may have the hots for Adam. And if she breaks his heart I WILL BURN DOWN CANADA.

We find out in tonight’s episode that Immogen is auditioning for Eli’s play (by the way, the poster for the play is Eli's head photoshopped as a heart but it's crooked so one half of his skull looks like a bulbous tumor) as “Clara” who is totally not supposed to be Claire…that’d be silly. But Immogen is like that kid in your first grade class who always talked about his lunch and had to leave for half an hour a day to sit in that tiny class. Except she grew up…and turned into Canadian Juno. In order to get into character, Immogen is going full on Daniel Day Lewis by copying Claire in the lunchroom. I think the Canadian public schools really failed Immogen in not putting her in a special school…or by heavily medicating her.

Holly J finds out that she needs to get a kidney transplant, but no one in her direct family is the proper blood type. The doctor also sounded super happy about the fact that none of Holly J’s relatives had the right blood type. But he mom is pretty reassuring: “We’ll broaden our blood search: Aunts, uncles, cousins, the homeless!” But Holly J thinks it’s odd that no one in her family is the right blood type. I hope that Holly J was just willed into existence by her parents. Or made out of clay. She starts probing around and starts to realize all sorts of crazy differences between herself and her parents: “how about the fact that my dad is a male…and I’m a female?!?” My original theory was that Holly J’s mom is JT who didn’t actually die, but got a sex change after the attempt on his life to disguise himself, unfortunately, she was just adopted. But Holly J manages to track down her birth parents, and by Fiona’s math that means: “two new birth parents equals four possible kidneys. You could have, like, eleven kidneys!” So Holly J decides to track down her birth parents…and murder them. No? Alright, we’ll do it your way, writers.

Immogen does a disturbingly accurate Claire impression for the play audition which features this line of dialogue: “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART CLARA!” Really, Eli? We’re stealing from Tommy Wiseau now? And of course Eli makes the terrible mistake of actually casting this nut job in his play. Immogen will cut off his skin and wear it by the end of the season, I promise.

Holly J gets in touch with her birth mom and they decide to meet at The Dot after school. Man, how many important Degrassi events have occurred at the Dot? Is there nowhere else in Canada? Of course, Holly J doesn’t recognize her mom at first because she’s sitting with the kids she actually wanted. Holly J decides to not ask a single mom for a kidney, but Fiona has a look on her face that looks like she’s going to drug that woman and steal her kidney. The doctor tells Holly J not to give up hope, right after he told her that she should probably defer from going to Yale because of all the dialysis she’s going to need. So yeah, don’t give up hope, even though all your dreams are crushed becase…you know, hope!

Geez, I feel like I’m watching a horror/thriller every time Immogen is on screen. It’s like Canadian Single White Female. Anyway, Immogen gives Claire a coupon to Canada’s greatest stake house Little Miss Steaks so she can take Buck McHandsome, er, I mean Jake out to dinner. Of course she tries to ruin everything because she’s just so delightfully nutty by dragging Eli to Little Miss Steaks so he can see Claire on a date. Good thinking Immogen, this will totally get him to like you because he’s never shown any suicidal tendencies in the past. Ah. Wait. Not good. When he sees them together, Eli realizes he’s not over Claire and hires Jake to build sets for the play because, and I quote from Eli: “as the warrior poet Sun Tzu said: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Seriously, does his head ever come out from his own ass for air? The kid is gonna suffocate.

Holly J man’s up and tells her birth mom that she needs a kidney and she agrees to help. She gets tested and she’s a compatible donor! So everything is great and happy and all it’ll cost Holly J is 20,000 dollars. Yep. Her mom just asked her for 20,000 Canadian dollars for her organ. This better be some prime kidney.