Disclaimer: This movie will actually kill you.
By: Spence Blazak and Brian Long It's become pretty clear to all of us here and Wookiee Wednesday that the Final Destination movies ain't going anywhere as long as someone can keep coming up with brutal and hilariously complex ways for sexy teenagers to die (and as long as they keep putting in the 3D boobs. Seriously. Thats where half the budget goes.). And we couldn't be more thrilled about it! In fact, we, Spence and Brian, have written a pitch for the next (and inevitable) Final Destination film. We'll just assume the check is in the mail, New Line Cinema.
Pre-Credits: A roomful of big wigs for some important company. One big wig leans in to a microphone on his desk and says, "Charlene, send Mr. D in." Death walks through the door, and we realize the company is Life!!!!!
Big Wig 2: "Ah. Death. Please, please come in. Can I get you anything? Danish? No? OJ? No? Lets get to business. You have caused us more PR problems than that time the Grim Reaper streaked at a Phillies game....killing everyone in the stands. You're resume is far from good. In fact, its quite stinky. You have botched 4 different big death scenes! After the first 3 times you didn't figure it out?!?!?! One last shot. A tunnel of love. Tonight at 6. In Oregon. If you fail, I'm going to write you a very nasty letter!!!!!!!!!!"
Opening Scene: Four couples (Greg, Wilma, Betty, Fred, Barney, Jessica, Ted, and Rachel) are enjoying the Semi-Annual Winter Springtime Fair on Halloween. And what trip to the fair ground would be complete without a stop at the Tunnel of Love? But the couples don't realize that the tunnel will be making a slight detour...TO HELL! Of course, Wilma, the perputal nag of the group has a vision of everyone being horribly killed in the Tunnel. Greg will be impaled by a swan boat! Rachel will fall into the water and drown! For some reason there's a rabid dog that bites Ted! Thankfully she manages to get a bunch of people out in time just before the Tunnel of Love becomes a Underpass of Destruction.
Death Number 1: One of the random strangers who managed to escape is actually an ex-con who was forced to listen to Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" every minute of every day for five years. As he's leaving the fair, a Soft Rock 66.6 truck drives by playing, you guessed it "Ironic." Isn't THAT ironic?!?!?!?! His head explodes. (Note to producers: this role should be played by the guy who played Boner on Growing Pains.)
Death Number 2: Fred decides to try his luck at the batting cages. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice that several pigeons have taken a dump on the pitching machine, disabling its "off" function. Fred's no sissy, so he goes to the Super Professional booth. He is pelted to death by baseballs while everyone else at the cages films it and immediately uploads it to Youtube.
Death Number 3/4: Jessica and Ted decide to go to a petting zoo. But Jessica doesn't realize that Ted's (kinda perverted) younger brother covered her underwear in animal pheromones and she is quickly eaten alive by a horde of baby goats. In his shock, Ted forgets he is allergic to peanuts and then he eats some peanuts.
Death Number 5: Rachel stays inside because she of her fear about dying. She puts on FX and Final Destination 2 is on. She dies from an existential crisis and from being too meta.
Death Number 6: Barney decides he's going to sue the fairground (LAWYERS, AM I RIGHT?). While walking across the fair ground he is almost crushed by a falling roller coaster track, run over by an out of control bumper car, and shanked by a carny. He dies when he falls into a cotton candy machine, leaving behind a horrific, albeit delicious, corpse.
Death Number 7: Betty returns to her job at a Segway store. While unloading inventory, the truck is struck by lighting, causing all of the Segways to turn on and run her over. (Note to producers: one of the many themes of this film is-environmentalism? Is it really worth it? We feel this scene really illustrates the movie's answer to that question: No.)
Death Number 8: Greg goes to the circus but all of the apes escape because their union negotiations for two extra banana bunches per hour and more bathroom breaks broke down. Also, their brain function has increased because the cure for Alzheimer's was tested on them. One gorilla rips his arms and legs off like a daddy long legs.
Death Number 9: Wilma is the only person left alive. We find out that her job is a truck driver! Which will totally surprise the audience because she's attractive (if anyone reading this is a female truck driver...we're joking...)! Anyway, she finds out she has to deliver a shipment of Mentos across the country. She crashes into a Diet Pepsi truck and is killed instantly in an explosion of taste.
Post Credit Sequence: Samuel L. Jackson steps out of the shadows and asks Death if he wants to join The Avengers.
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