Softknocks: A Season of Football with the Wookiees. Week 1, Part 2

By Spence Blazak

The night before the big game. We spend it with half the team doing a team building exercise: having Bayo teach us about dew rags. After learning their purpose, Evan attempts to try it on, looking like a toddler with a plastic bag over its head. Once we pull it away and save his life, Bayo demonstrates the proper technique. He then told us that when he goes to the bathroom with one on, people who he talks to daily don't recognize him. We all wish that that wasn't so funny. Then we all take pictures of us wearing the dew rag. There is no way we can't win this game.

Rips: "Hey Bayo, can you wear the dew rag to the game? For intimidation factor?"

GAMEDAY

Debating between which song to use for our march out theme. Its between a Scottish bagpipe song….THAT HAS A DUBSTEP BREAKDOWN or the "Miami Hurricanes Theme" where they say "THE U, ITS ALL ABOUT THE U" over and over again. Choices like this suck. I'd rather pick which one of my children I'd sell for gold.

Text from Goodhand: "Got a football. Its good. Its Nike. Hopefully our other sponsors won't mind"

My game plan. Class gets out at 5:50. The game starts at 7. I will quickly grab takeout and go to the bus, meeting the team there. Then I remember that the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry. Its only a matter of time before I see where everything goes awry……

PREGAME

Get out of class, check my phone, Goodhand and his roommate say they will meet us at the field. No biggie. Then I realize it is raining. And it keeps getting harder. I head back to my room, put on pants, send the mass text out, and meet up with the gang at the dining hall. We have me, Evan, Rips, Bayo, and Michael. A whole team! And possible backups! How can we lose! Michael, Bayo, and I head down to the takeout hall. Its pasta night. Thats a bad omen. A VERY bad omen.

Pasta night is worse than a case of ebola. If Satan came from the depths of hell for one night, and one night only, it is to possess the noodles and sauce of pasta night. The pasta's secret ingredient is the tears of Kenyan orphans.

Any way, I haven't eaten since my daily bowl of Cookie Crisp that morning, so I suffer through. The lunch lady sweetens the deal with Twinkies. I make eye contact with Bayo in the other line. He gives me the "I fucking hate pasta night" face. I smell trouble. That face never leads to good.

Michael and I head upstairs to meet up with the gang until we realize…..WE LOST BAYO. We look, we shout, we shout louder, we panic, we march back to the rest of the team.

Evan: "Twinkies! Nice! So where is Bayo?"

Me: "……………………………………………………………………….……."

Rips: "HOW DID YOU LOSE OUR ONLY BLACK KID!!!! WE ARE DOOMED!!!!"

Me: "Easy guys, we will go to the bus stop, pick up a few of the Princess Leah Cheerleading squad, and I'm sure Bayo will turn up."

On the way to the bus stop, Evan chimes in: "I finally remember the first few rules of the RIFFL handbook. Rule 1 was don't show up intoxicated. Rule 2 was don't talk about RIFFL. I took Rule 1 as a dare. I'm a few deep. FOOBAWWWL!"

I spend the rest of the bus ride there trying to figure out if he was kidding.

As we sit on the bus and wait for it to leave the station, Rips sees that there is an empty bus going to Cook/Douglass behind us as well. It seems like it will leave more quickly, so we all pile off and go to the new bus. Then the bus driver says its out of service. FUCK! WE RUN BACK TO THE FIRST BUS JUST AS THE DOOR IS CLOSING! I see our hopes and dreams of victory driving away…..then at the last second the other guy who we convinced to come with us to the other bus bangs on the door with his fists with Herculean strength.

The doors open. He will get his name on the championship trophy.

To recap, we have 4 players with us, we need 5 to not forfeit, if we forfeit tonight we are out of the league, we have twenty minutes to get to the field, and we are on a bus that will take fifteen minutes. Also, we have Kelly and Laura leading the Leahs for the game. Its okay though! Goodhand will be there!

Text from Goodhand: "I'm going to be late." My reaction.

Michael: "So when we get all the way to forfeit in person-"

Me: "SHUTTUP"

Michael: "Maybe we should shave Kelly's head and put a hat on her. I think she can pass as a boy."

We all slowly turn our heads to look at Kelly. Its like the old cartoons with two guys stranded on an island, and one of the guys hungrily looks at the other one and imagines he is a hot dog. Honestly? The only thing that stops us is that we don't have a razor.

Rips: "You know where the field is right?"

Me: "Ummm yeah. I think its the Athletic Center….right Evan?"

Evan: "Why are you asking me like I know?"

Oh fuck.

We don't actually know where we are going.

I say a prayer.

Dear God,

Please. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

Love,

Spence

Evan: "I can't believe I woke up from a fucking nap for this. This is worse than that last practice when you almost tripped over that beaver." Sadly, this really happened. That would have been my career ending injury: A beaver snapped my Achilles tendon.

Kelly: "Who are you playing today?"

Me: "……The New Gibbons Housing Project. I might as well just tear my own ACL now."

I get a call from Commissioner Voldemort. He tells me to hurry. We arrive at the stop. I run as fast as I can to the Athletic Center front desk. I'm winded.

Me: "WHERE…..IS……GAME!!!!!!"

D-Bag at the front desk: "……you didn't see the field over there? Wow."

Me in my head: "How does it feel that your conception was an accident?"

Me in real life: Nothing. Runs back to team. Motions with hand to make way to field. Five minutes to get there before we are disqualified. If we get there in time, we get disqualified any way for not having enough players. The Wookiees may have finally met their match and they haven't even taken one snap. What the hell have I done to this team? No sign of Goodhand, Bayo, or any of the other recruits. We see the golf cart with Commisioner Voldemort.

I wait at the gallows for the executioner to come. He walks over.

Voldemort: "Hey Spence, I'm really sorry for the inconvenience. The New Gibbons Housing Project's captain just called me and said his team was 'afraid of the wet.' Direct quote. I don't know if he realized it stopped raining. Any way, looks like you guys get the W."

WOOOOOOOKIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSSS WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

Before he is finished, I am already sprinting down the field with my shirt off pumping my fist. The sun appears just above the rain clouds, and illuminates the few remnant drops of rain that fall onto me. I feel like Andy Dufresne right after he climbed out of the sewer of the prison and was a free man. What a roller coaster day.

Me: "Do you have any extra rule books?"

Voldemort: "We gave those out at the captains meeting"

Me: "…………………captains meeting?"

Everyone groans. He fills us in on the rules we were questioning at practice. Looks like our plays will all work. ITS BAYO!!!!!!

Bayo: "I thought when I made that face about the pasta you would know I was going to have a sit down dinner."

Me: "Alright, congratulations on the win. Lets run a few plays."

Rips: "Hold on"

He runs back to his jacket, gets a cigarette, returns and throws the ball with it dangling out of his mouth's corner.

Evan: "CAN I GO FINISH MY FUCKING NAP NOW!"

The Wookiees are back.

POST GAME

Me: "Hey Kelly, wanna see the picture of this cute girl I'm talking to?"

Kelly: "YeahI"

I show her the picture from last practice of Scarlett Johansson with her "Johanssons" out. Her reaction is the same as that Nazi whose face explodes at the end of Indiana Jones.

Needless to say, I attempt to do it several more times.

Softknocks: A Season of Football with the Wookiees. Week 1, Part 1.

by Spence Blazak

I come up with the wild idea that it would be fun to run a football team. I muster up interested potential players, and go on the internet to sign us up. I immediately get mad that the website doesn't load. I take a 5-hour nap and completely forget about it.

A few days later, we see a schedule for signups.

James: "Hey Spence, you signed us up for the team right? The deadline is the 7th".

Me: "Well….I'm going to do that soon. Just like how I'll fix the internet connection for Xbox Live in room today (Two weeks later, this still hasn't been done). I've got plenty of time…."

James: "The 7th was Wednesday, Spence."

Me: "I know that. Thats tomorrow."

James: "Its Friday……."

I am then thrown into a violent existential crisis filled with self loathing and malcontent against my own pscyhe where I realize that I have no sense of the passage of time, the universe, or the basic path of my own life. All because I don't know when Wednesday is. Note to self: Its going to be a long week.

Evan and I make the call to join the league. Since we have joined so late, Commissioner Craig (or it might be Greg……stay tuned. Never mind. Don't stay tuned. We will probably never learn his name. In fact, I think I'll refer to him as Commissioner Voldemort), decrees that not only can we not join the B-League or be on the Busch Campus League, but that we must join the A-League and be on the Cook/Douglass League. Worst case scenario.

I take a step back. We are a rag tag group primarily composed of smokers or athletes past their prime. We will be playing with the best of the best (Cook/Douglass League is for those who signed up last, and everyone knows that all great athletes are procrastinators. Spence Blazak: Professor of Logic Based Reasoning). We will be versing people who have actually played football, and not just been the Giants in Madden and cheated so that they had Larry Fitzgerald, Adrian Peterson, and Jim Thorpe on their team.

I had an epiphany. We would be exactly like the Oakland Athletics in Moneyball. I would be Billy Beane. Maybe Brad Pitt would play me in a movie one day. I immediately looked Commissioner Voldemort in the eye and handed over Evan's money.

Voldemort: "What do you want your team name to be?"

Me without hesitation: "The Wookiees."

We were official.

FIRST PRACTICE

We realize we don't have a football. I have two plans: 1. Get one of the crappy foam ones at the spirit store. 2. Kidnap a football player and take his ball. Since we realize that we are too poor to feed a prisoner, we go to the spirit store. We get to Rips's car and realize that it holds six people and there are five. I think it will be a tight squeeze, and I was right: moments later I find myself in the trunk. I text everyone in the front seats the message "Pray for me……". After being whacked on the head by a tissue box for the ride's entirety, I get out of the trunk, and am put on football duty. I get a foam one, buy a Red Bull, hit on the moderately attractive cashier, and return outside.

Rips: "What the hell kind of football is that?"

Me:"All they had."

Rips: "I think you know what your punishment is……"

After another fifteen minutes in the trunk, we arrive at the Busch practice center. Rips reenacts the opening scene of Goodfellas and pretends to stab me in the trunk. I finally emerge. The only other person in the parking lot is a man in his Range Rover who starts pumping his fist yelling something that sounded like "WOOOOOOO! THAT TRUNK GUY LOVES FOOTBALLL!!!!!!!!!" I'm convinced it was Hank Williams Jr.

We get to the field and it takes two minutes of throwing to get our first catch. Five fewer minutes than I thought it would take. I like the way things are looking. We come up with six different plays. Actually make a few completions. Then people start asking questions. I realize that Evan and I lost the rule book…..we also realize that we could have been practicing things that could all be illegal.

Me: "uh………..no practice is bad practice right?

I'm losing them. I call a cigarette break and immediately win them back to my side. Upon return, an all-girl, all-Asian Flag Football practice has gone under way. We debate stealing their ball. My goal is to make plays so complicated that the defense will just lie on the grass in the fetal position. Right now, we can barely get off an outside run. I act calm for the team, but on the inside am committing swallowing Kitty Litter.

Rips looks on his phone and sees that Scarlett Johansenn released drunken nudies. After twenty minutes of inspecting them, practice concludes. I realize that was the most productive part of the day. After we drop off Mike on Busch, I wait for the trunk to unlock. I start banging and yelling. I start to hear laughter. Shit. Twenty minutes and several traffic circles later, I stumble out onto asphalt.

My Coach's Checklist of Goals

-Get a funny coaching hat

-Get a headset that is connected to nothing

-Get a laminated play list

-Get every girl I know to be a cheerleader, and name them "The Princess Leahs"

-Get my router working

-Work out Bayo's wrist

-Find Bayo

-Find a football

-Get a hoody, just in case I want to go for the Bill Belicheck look

-Get elf ears, just in case I want to go for the Tom Coughlin look

-GOAL FOR GAME ONE: Show up.

GAME DAY 1

PREGAME

Goodhand: "Who are we playing?"

Me, checking my schedule: "Ummmm the Phantom Dumpers"

Goodhand: "So are they phantoms who dump or do they take phantom dumps?"

A new "chicken or the egg" type question for the Facebook generation.

We have five hours to get five players to show up. The definites are me, Evan, and Goodhand. At this point I think we only get to bring five starters and two subs. Bayo, Reggie (Bayo's friend), James, Jeremy, and Allah knows who else I had recruited decide they have to do Calc homework. I realize this might be the first team in sports history to put athletics behind school…..and I'm the fucking GM of it. The team without morals, and this is the moral they choose to have? Shake my damn head.

Evan: "Make the call."

Me: "No. I refuse. I'm not giving up yet."

Evan: "Give up."

Me: "Wait! I have a text from Michael! Our QB!"

text from Michael: "Hey spence, I'm not coming. I woke up at 5PM hungover and I have homework. Next time."

Me to Evan: "……:'("

My first executive decision as GM is to make the call to forfeit.

POST GAME

I throw play book onto ground and run into the flower bush that is arranged to look like the Rutgers "R". After five minutes, I return, and am comforted by a group embrace.

Goodhand: "It had to be done."

Me: "Hey Evan, I made my first act as GM. Make your first act as owner."

Evan, after taking a minute to ponder his options: "Timeouts will not be used for any strategy in game play, but merely for cigarette breaks."

Rips returns from home with a real ball and pump. We have a semi-practice, which means Evan and Goodhand leave for parties while Rips and I practice throwing the ball around while smoking hookah. Almost dropped the ball onto the hookah half a dozen times.

James and I read the email from Commisioner Voldemort. "Dear Spence, due to your forfeit you have given up 2 points that will be deducted from your playoff qualifying points. And seriously, if you need free agents, just ask."

Me: "James, the day I take a fucking free agent, put my head into every part of the micro fridge."

James: "Playoffs, I JUST HOPE WE CAN WIN A GAAAAME!"

We immediately looked up the video of one of the best football post game interviews ever then called it a night.

Things on checklist accomplished:

-Got router working

PRACTICE 2

I call a practice. I grab my play book and the back up ball just in case, then head over to the field. I find Rips, Goodhand, and Evan out on the field. I realize that it looks like Evan is walking away and it seems like they are short….one….football. DAMMIT. Me and Zev from Detroit (the new receiver I've recruited) walk over.

Me: "Evan…..?"

Evan: "uh…….I'm going to a party." Then he runs away.

Me, with tangible fear on my breathe: "Rips…..where is the football?"

Rips: "I thought you had it?"

I have an out of body experience. Every emotion swells through my body. I see the beginning, end, then the in between of my life. Wow. I wind up having way more kids than I thought. And way fewer cats. I return to my body.

We set off to find another football. We find one after 15 minutes of hunting, but it is deflated. We borrow it from a kid we don't know the name of. Rips runs back to his room to get the stolen soccer pump. I evaluate where we are at this point. I forgot to text our QB about practice, our other QB is under an influence, and we are playing in front of the honors dorm because there is light but we all keep running into benches on our routes.

After practice, I realize we can have as many people as possible. I start recruiting RAs, frat boys, Jewish kids, everyone who walks by. I plan on a Sunday team and a Wednesday team since class schedules will conflict with Wednesday kids. I'm on fire. I feel like a regular Napoleon.

Bayo: "Why are you so excited?"

Me: "BAYO! CALL EVERY BLACK PERSON YOU KNOW AND GET THEM ON THE TEAM!!!!!"

Then we come up with a master plan to hold onto this kid's football as long as we can. Rips wants to poke a hole into it so it looks less attractive for the kid to keep, then once he gives it to us, we just patch it with duct tape. I can't believe this is real life. I head back to the room.

Bayo: "I'm scared that we will get tackled by D-III athletes."

Me: "Don't worry about it, B-Money. We will intimidate them! I'm large, you're black, if we get tackled, they get thrown out for the game! We WANT to be tackled, then we win!"

Bayo: "Then we fight them. Like Wookiees. And don't call me B-Money"

DAY BEFORE GAME 2

I sit down and begin constructing an apparatus made out of duct tape and notecards to hold of the plays to my forearm. I'm going for a look halfway between Tom Brady and Buzz Ligthyear.

Michael's Facebook status: "I'm not shaving until the Wookiees win a game."

PRACTICE 3

Called off because we all want to go see the Lion King in 3D.

What will happen for the second game? Will we win? Will we lose? Will we show up? Don't touch that dial.

Softknocks: A Season Following the Flag Football Team "The Wookiees"

By Spence Blazak

Let me start off with a brief explanation. I had no idea that this was going to be a series let alone an article until exactly fourteen minutes ago. I apologize to all the fans of Wookiee Wednesday out there who have been looking for more content lately, but now we will have another weekly series that I'm hoping will happily replace our Degrassi season coverage. I don't mean to come off as snooty in any way, but this is definitely one of the better ideas that I've had in awhile. I promise entertainment even to those who know nothing about football. Call it a parody of Moneyball, call it a parody of Hardknocks, hell, even call it a remake of Major League, because honestly, I think it might be a mixture of all three and maybe even a little more.

I will be documenting the season of my new beloved football team, "The Wookiees". They belong to the Rutgers Intramural Flag Football League (affectionately called the RIFFL). You will learn to know and love every player as well as everyone behind the scenes, and let me promise you that everything that happens will be real. No exaggerations, just fact. Some things will be very hard to believe, because most things that happen to us will be too ridiculous to be true, but you have my personal guarantee that I will resist my hyperbolic ways for this series.

I will make a new post weekly discussing practice, pre game, game, post game, and anything at all that has relevance to the Wookiees. Let me take a moment to introduce you to our current cast of characters.

Evan: The team's center. Owner. Currently waiting for someone to reimburse him for the forty dollar fee he put down to get us into the league. Makes funny faces. From Kansas. Proudly smokes Camel Reds.

Goodhand: Wide receiver. The only person on the team who can be dubbed "athletic". Shaves every morning, and goes to bed with a goatee every night. Plays rugby for the school team. Scares me when I see him run at me. Big fan of Black&Milds.

Michael: The Quarterback. Sometimes has a mustache, which is a fan favorite. Does a funny impression of Charlie from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Enjoys long walks on the beach, and watching Family Feud every night.....Every. Single. Night

James: Wide receiver. Lives next door. Plays golf, and played his first three games of Madden this week. Listens to more British rock than Ringo Starr. Has a Dazed and Confused poster hanging over his bed. Enjoys watching Entourage, and isn't sure where the show stops and reality begins, which gives backstory to his quotation: "Aquaman is my favorite superhero movie........what do you mean it doesn't exist?" Proudly smokes Marlboro 99s.

Rips: Alternate Quarterback. One of the smartest humans in the tri-state area. Has the body structure of Jack Skellington. Smokes more cigarettes than a Lost Generation poet living in 1920's Paris. He is very proud of the last sentence just typed.

Bayo: Wide receiver. My roommate. Increases the diversity factor of our team. Currently nursing a career ending basketball injury to his wrist. Not sure if he can still catch. Going to test that out at some point...................

Spence: General Manager/Tight End/"Grand Poobah." Runs the team with an iron fist. Sets weekly goals for team. Week One goal: show up. Stay tuned to find out if the goal is accomplished. SPOILER ALERT: You won't be surprised by the outcome. Bases every one of his plays on the "Ask Madden" feature in Madden 10. Quoted to have said "I think of myself as the Billy Beane of RIFFL. Billy Beane reinvented the way people looked at MLB stats and got players who didn't look like your typical athletes. He hired fats to play for him. I'm doing the same thing. I hired smokers and people who I don't know that I meet on the street. I also run the fake punt play on second down. Who is changing the world more? Wait until we win the trophy and you'll see......There is a trophy if we win right?"

Stay tuned.

Why My Beloved Giants Will Win the Superbowl

By Spence Blazak, with help from The Bible

I, Spence Blazak, am an avid Giants fan. Many moons ago, I always used to wonder why people liked crappy sports teams. The Bills? Come on, now. Their only purpose is for me to make snarky football jokes about them, i.e…….alright, I've got nothing. But anyway, this year I took a long, hard look in the mirror and discovered something…my team was now the crappy one. A doormat for the Eagles. A mere sparring partner for the Cowboys, the biggest sports franchise in America. And the bandwagon fans who had hopped on for Big Blue after the Superbowl win have responded to two consecutive playoff misses by switching wheels to the Gang Green wagon. Times are tough. The Giants Nation is like a bag of kittens who have been thrown in a river. Or are we ACTUALLY like Dumbledore's pet phoenix: a once glorious bird who exploded into a pile of ash, only to resurge as an even better bird who helps Harry Potter beat the basilisk. Get out the four bean salad and crack open the can of pizza flavored Pringles, folks, because I have one goal and one goal only in this article: to show you why the 2011-2012 Super Bowl trophy is the Giants' to lose.

Reason 1: The Jonah Effect

For our readers out there who didn't spend years at Jesus school, Sunday school, and a week at Christian sailing camp (a real thing), the Biblical story of Jonah is a classic one. God wanted Jonah to do something, but Jonah responded "Nah man, that aint me," and went to hide on a fishing boat where he thought God wouldn't find him. God was pissed off. So He sent a bunch of storms at the boat until the fishermen realized if they made that land lubber Jonah walk the plank, the storm would cease. Jonah walked, was eaten by a whale, and then all was right in the world. Punter Matt Dodge is our Jonah. With him gone and metaphorically eaten by a fish, the stars are once again aligned.

Reason 2: The too-bad-to-be-true offseason

It was like the beginning of the movie Varsity Blues. Everything is promising, all is right in the world, it should be a season for the Texas record books then BOOM Billy Bob gets a concussion, QB Paul Walker breaks every bone in his body, you realize that the funny pig who hangs out with the team doesn't talk, and then the lovable coach turns out to be a racist. Everything falls apart. But we all know how it ends….with that dweeby replacement quarterback being accepted into Brown! I won't highlight the tragedies of the Giants' off season because I've fulfilled my quota for crying today, but believe me, it was rough. These plot lines are unbelievable, no writer could ever be outlandish enough to make it up. Fan favorite Steve Smith deserting his team for our arch nemesis the Eagles(comment whether you think his nickname should be Judas, Benedict Arnold, or Benedict Judas )? Clutch tight end Kevin Boss leaving in the peak of his career for the Raiders because we didn't feel like paying him (i will miss singing "Like a Boss' after every one of his first down conversions)? Savior draftee Prince Amukamara blowing out his ACL before he played a single down? Superbowl XLII hero Plaxico Burress flipping us the bird as he goes off to join NYC's new favorite team? We are truly the Job of the NFL. After all this, its just a matter of time before we get that acceptance letter from Brown.

Reason 3: Pride cometh before the fall

New Jersey has become plagued with five other types of fans: Jets, Cowboys, Eagles, Steelers, and Patriots. The Steelers stay out of my way and we never play them, so I have no problem there. They are like a rabid cat who walks on the other side of the street. They give me the "Hey. Do you're own thing, just as long as you don't bite my leg and infect me, we're good" mentality. As for the other four teams, their arrogance emanates from every blade of turf grass that they befoul. And we all know that when Mother Nature sees arrogance, she immediately sets a crash course to fuck with them. Hard. The Jets are already a living example of this. Every year, Rex Ryan swears on his cat's grave that he will win the Super Bowl no matter what. They have gotten to the AFC championship and lost twice in two years. He has sworn it again, and by gum it will happen again. He has doomed himself. As for the Cowboys, in 2009 they opened up their ridiculous new stadium. The ad campaign called it "The 8th Wonder of the World". Do you know who else used that campaign? The evil circus men who captured the Ape in King Kong. We all know how that ended....a dead monkey on Fifth Avenue. Now Cowboys are currently in the midst of the monkey escaping and killing everyone in the city. Jerry Jones called the 2010 Cowboys "the best team I've ever seen on paper". They ended 7-9. Another prophecy fulfilled. The Patriots and Eagles are just….the spawn of Lucifer himself. I don't need to back myself up on that one. No offense to my Eagles fan readers.

Reason 4: The Giants place in this world is to spoil

The Patriots' place is to demonstrate well played football, the Cowboys' place is to be a well run cash cow, and the Giants ' place is to spoil everyone's fun. Super Bowl XLII. February 2007. New England and every bandwagon fan in America was rooting for the Patriots to be the first completely undefeated team since the schedule had expanded to 16 games a season. History was doomed to be made. They had been to the Super Bowl and won several times in recent memory, all their players were healthy and incredible, and they were playing the Giants. THE GIANTS. The Cleveland Browns of the East Coast. Big Blue had bullshitted their way into the playoffs and somehow gotten past the Packers in the NFC championship by a field goal. They were cute. Then………………..……they won. No one knows why or how it happened, but it did. The Patriots ate their words, and put their pre-made 19-0 t-shirts into the Salvation Army bin. The Giants did not deserve the Lombardi Trophy by any means, but by an act of God, it was theirs. Spoilers. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Go G-Men.

Degrassi Final Week Part 2: P.R.E.A.M. (Prom Rules Everything Around Me)

If we wrote Degrassi, whenever Mo wasn't on screen, every character would be asking: where's Mo?

By Spence Blazak and Brian Long

Brian: And we’re back folks, we kick off this two-parter with the upperclassmen introducing the freshmen “niners” to Degrassi life and the horrors they will endure over the next four years.

Spence: Jacoby looks like a fucking traffic cone or Otto, the Syracuse mascot.

Brian: It looks like one of those awful shirts from the early 2000’s that said something like “Busy, come back…NEVER”

Spence:…or Telly from Sesame Street. We see Bianca with the gang member Vince. Here’s the exchange between Jacoby and Adam:

"She is standing with some dude"

"Adam....that dude is Vince."

That reminds me of when a Paul Rudd in Forgetting Sarah Marshall says "that dude beat up a guy with a star fish...........that guy was me"

CONTINUITY ERROR: Jacoby has a pencil behind his ear. How am i supposed to believe that this baboon can write?

Brian: I’m pretty sure Drew is convinced Bianca is going to murder him. Anyway, Claire and Jake’s relationship is going swimmingly. Jake does totally lame things like walk around in a tie with no shirt.

Spence: HAHAHAHA i haven't seen a man without a shirt on wearing a tie since me after senior prom on the beach.....TMI?

Brian: Absolutely. When did Claire’s life become a Merly Streep romanctic comedy?

Spence: If you can't stand the heat, Brian, turn off the dragon. I can't get over how Mrs. Frumpy looks like Rogue from X-Men. And what clarifies a Degrassi party? One with a knife?

Brian: Or a gun. Or nunchucks.

Spence: And Mo needs to come back every episode. i will miss listening to his jovial voice saying SAV FOR THE WIN

Brian: I really hope he’s not graduating too. Bianca is pretty harsh on that ginger kid.

Spence: I think Bianca saying "big red" to the large red headed girl counts as a hate crime

Brian: That kid looks like my grandma’s childhood doll. Sav tries to sly his way into a private rendezvous with Ms. Oh by saying he needs his oboe fixed.

Spence: The oboe line. CLASSIC SAV. The best pickup line I've ever heard since that one time I said to a girl "so............." Oh and "I've gotta drive Ali to Ottawa"- what a fucking bullshit line Sav! DAMMIT! You hold onto Ms. Oh! You love her. You love her and never let her go.

Brian: Who knew having an affair with a teacher would be such a PAIN!

Spence: Jake's dad looks and sounds like Jett Farve in the commercial where he says "I'm a Wrangler man....always have been, always will be"

Brian: He’s like the Mike Rowe of Canada. Bianca and Jacoby Ellsbury try and patch things up with each other.

Spence: "You're the one good thing you've ever had in my life." My roommate Bayo briefly looks up from his Youtube video of Louis CK standup and says "Awwwwwww."

Brian: Of course “good thing” for Bianca means GOIN’ TO THE BOILER ROOM. But She-JJJ is none too pleased about this revoltin’ development and she thinks Jacoby is going to start punching his problems away again.

Spence: “WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS IN TAEKWONDO AND JOURNALISM!!!” Yeah....Tiger Shulman and Bob fucking Woodward have really taught her well.

Spence: "HEY HOLLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW YA DOIN?!?!?!?!”

"oh you know.....waiting to see if my body will reject the kidney."

"......................"

Brian: Ah yes, Holly J is recovering in the hospital so Anya and Sav in a room with TWO of his exes. Bow chika wow wow. Mmm chick chick.

Spence: And as if the sexual tension couldn’t get thicker and more uncomfortable, Jake’s dad says: "IM A LEEEEEEEG MAN MWHAAHAHAHA." Are they going to even bother going upstairs? Or just have tantric sex on the table with the kids still there? Did they use the same wardrobe for Frumpy that they did for The Queen?

Brian: If my dad said that I’d just vomit. I’d vomit everywhere.

Spence: Everyone's response to Jake's Twitter joke- "what in the hell is a Twitter?"

Brian: I think Jake is actually 40. That’s the only explanation for that dad joke.

Spence: They totally faded immediately from Frumpy to Vince. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!! THEY ARE THE SAME!!!!!!!!!

Brian: Vince appears to be eating at some sort of tea lounge. He’s gangstah, but keeps it classy.

Spence: Good grief, Vince is the biggest scumbag alive. He needs to be eaten by wolves in day 2.

DAY 2

Brian: Jacoby seems to have fostered a truce with Vince but note to all kids planning on facing down a gangbanger: never tell him where you’re gonna be that night. It probably won’t end well.

Spence: Prom is great already! There is a chocolate fountain!!!!

Brian: I can’t believe Bianca can legally leave the house with a dress that short.

Spence: Woah, Adam doesn't beat around the bush

Brian: Yeah, he totally called Jacoby on the fact that he’ll probably get murdered.

Spence: Wow it looks like Jacoby is in the doghouse at his prom worse than i was when I *cut out for censorship*.

Brian: Its not censored when I read it, Spence. Please stop telling me that story....No one is impressed. Da hell did Jake’s dad mean by “most women are usually running behind?”

Spence: Hey! Look on the bright side....THEY HAVE A BASKET OF ROLLS!!!!

Brian: Eli saying “Moooore brrrreeeaad” like the “AH-YEEES?” guy from The Simpsons was hilarious. He should always talk like that.

Spence: DAMMIT SAV!!!! YOURE SCREWING THE POOCH BY FORGETTING THE CROWNS!!!!! Unless...IT’S A COVERUP FOR WHOOPIE!

Brian: Of course it’s a cover up for whoopee! HE’S SAV “THE BALLAH” BANDARI! Aw, Riley and Zane will be together at the same college. I hope Riley knows that Zane’s hair can never be tamed…

Spence: Katie is acting as hard as she possibly can to not kill Bianca. She can do it. And Owen looks like Donnie Brasco. But this pales in comparison to my slow dance at senior ball...on the side of a random road with “Love Story” playing out of my car speakers over the sound of the "no seatbelt" beeping noise.....we gave up after 70 seconds. You can't buy memories like that

Brian: Well, another successful prom. No one got stabbed, or shot, or…oh…oh nevermind.

Spence: At the school where they have metal detectors......they don't have a metal detector at prom?

Brian: The prom was off campus, remember, Spence? That’s how Sav’s brilliant make out plan came into action! God, it’s like you weren’t-OH JESUS ADAM GOT SHOT!

Spence: My sweet, sweet Adam.

Brian: My reaction to Adam getting shot.

Spence: I’d miss oh just refer to adam getting shot as "the incident." Why aren't they taking Adam being shot more seriously?

Brian: Because he was shot in the shoulder! The minor leagues of gunshot wounds. Jimmy got crippled, this is nothing. Also, She-JJJ rushes to Adam’s side saying she’s “taken classes.” Are there gunshot wound recovery classes at Degrassi High? The strangest thing in this episode is Ms. Oh and Sav make out and there’s no repercussions. Nothing. No “very special moment” that this show ALWAYS has. So, the moral here kids is you can hook up with your teacher if it’s just before and shortly after you graduate.

Next season, Degrassi apparently goes to Camp Crystal Lake. And I’m not joking. THANK GOD.

The Best There Was: August in Review

By Peter Long with an egotistical interjection by Spence Blazak

The Best: Wild Flag- Wild Flag: After their much-hyped and consequently acclaimed prime-time slot at this year’s South by Southwest festival, legions of riot grrrl enthusiasts awaited the first release of Wild Flag’s first album. And needless to say, the wait has most definitely been worth it. Wild Flag is vintage fist-in-the-air post-punk that incorporates discreet pop-undertones a la The Breeders. Then again, what else would you expect from a supergroup that is the spawn of Sleater-Kinney and Helium? “Racehorse” was a tune that stuck out to me because of my Fugazi fandom, the verse (“I’m a racehorse/you put your money on me”) and chorus (“We’re in the money! We’re in the money!”) resembled a chant that would have come out of the Ian Mackaye songbook. The musicianship of the group as a whole should not be slighted, the beautifully woven leads of Mary Timony soars over the syncopation of Carrie Browstein’s rhythm guitar. These ingredients along with the pulsating beats of Janet Weiss create a tasty concoction of power-pop bliss.

The Disappointment: Kanye West and Jay-Z- Watch the Throne: This album is sort-of like your mother-in-law’s meatloaf; your wife has been telling you since you two met that it’s the most delicious thing you will ever taste. But then you try it, and it’s like you’re tasting banality. But you can’t say that because your wife will not have sex with you for a month. I was thoroughly looking forward to this album because, I mean, c’mon, it’s Kanye and Jay-Z; arguably two of the greatest MC’s that this century has ever seen, without hyperbole. But what myself and audiences received was processed glam-rap that featured absolutely no tenacity from the most tenacious rapper alive in Jay-Z. From the opening track (“No Church in the Wild”) there was no sense aggressiveness or creativity from Hova, it was just his regular lines about Michael Jordan, his New Jersey Nets, and “having more hits than a Now 11”. I will say this though, Kanye West is on a whole different level than Jay-Z especially when it comes to the quality and density of his rhymes. It seems as if the king has officially passed the crown down to the prince, and now the prince has taken over the throne. West had to have been the main creative force behind this record due to the presence of auto-tune (“New Day”), dub-step beats (“Lift-Off”) and glossy production that had been previously featured on his masterful My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. I hate to drink the hate-orade on one of my favorite artists, but it’s the Kanye show in this effort. Although I enjoyed the Run-DMC-esque chemistry between the two artists, Watch the Throne was too light and too bright to live up to my expectations.

The Worst: Jeff Bridges- Jeff Bridges: I know exactly what you’re saying, “c’mon! It’s The Dude!” And I agree, Bridges seems like too much of a lovable guy to get panned on his first go-around in the music biz, and I’m pretty sure Future Peter will slap Present Peter in the face when he reads this review. While Bridges didn’t go too crazy by staying in his comfort zone of mid-tempo country rock, he is a neophyte when it comes to songwriting and it shows through on his self-titled debut. Major props to producer T-Bone Burnett, once again, for bringing a Wall of Sound to country music, the instrumentation compliments the worn voice of Bridges perfectly. The bottom line is while many of songs written by Bridges (“Tumbling Vine” and “What a Little Bit of Love Can Do”) contain vivid imagery as worn as my horse’s saddle and are arranged beautifully, the album lacks texture and richness that would denote it as a significant piece of work.

Stray Tracks:

Soulja Boy- “So Fresh (You Can Suck My Nuts)”: Mark this as about the tenth song in the Soulja Boy catalog that is so bad it’s funny. All I can hope is that he’s not being serious. Between the “I’m so fresh you can suck my nuts”s and the “swag”s is a lame beat and incoherent banter that can only be heard from an inebriated homeless man in Times Square. As for Soulja Boy, I’d like to quote the classic film Billy Madison and say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Neutral Milk Hotel- “Oh Sister”/”Ferris Wheel on Fire”: For those of you have wanted Jeff Mangum to come out his twelve year hibernation may have finally gotten their wish (no one? Just me? Alright…). These two previously unreleased tracks are vintage Neutral Milk; unique and esoteric imagery blended with folk-punk. These tracks are currently available for streaming only on the band’s revamped website but it will see future release as part of box set featuring re-mastered versions of NMH’s two full-length LP’s (On Avery Island and In the Aeroplane Over the Sea), un-released tracks and other rarities.

Heavy D and the Boyz- “Now That We Found Love”: This song is just awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNEgUPKxk7A&ob=av2n

Commissioner Spence’s Pick of the Month

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFN-nc23v9c

3 guesses who is in this video. I know, I know, I know. The song sucks. But Taylor cutely says the “Zach Galifianakis” line and just barely tops it by saying “and watch how good I’ll fake it” on top of a little hair flick. To quote “David after Dentist”, “Is this real life?” It goes without saying that my roommate had to splash water on my face and force feed me a capri sun to get me back to coherency. Seriously. Hottest freaking thing I’ve ever seen.

Degrassi Final Week Part 1: The Terrible Revenge of Mr. Tuxedo Pants

By Brian Long

Well, we’re finally down to the wire folks. The final four episodes of Degrassi this season. It’s a big deal because we are bidding adieu to some major characters: Holly J, Riley-who has literally done nothing this season, Anya, Sav “The Ballah” Bandari, and Shonaty. Poor Shontay, you were on this show for almost ten years and got one storyline. One.

Anyhoo, I think Fiona and Holly J only speak in catch-up exposition conversations, because once again we are getting opening the episode with a conversation between these two that reminds us of everything that has been going on this past season. Fiona runs into her ex, Charlie who is having a big art show. I have a theory that Charlie is actually an elaborate hoax set up by Banksy, but that’s another article.

Anya is still planning on joining the army when she discovers that *gasp* it’s hard! You have to run and do sit-ups and stuff! Oh, and she decides to go with Riley to prom. Fiona says she’ll have to check “lesbian prom date dot com” for a replacement date which, ironically enough, was a business I started before the dot com bubble burst.

Meanwhile, She-JJJ and Drew are discussing prom when he decides he’s cool with Merosal Can. Wow, they sure dropped that Jacoby Ellsbury hates Merosal plot right quick didn’t they? It’s like the writer of this episode hated that idea and just said screw it. She-JJJ is uncomfortable though because, being a synthetic replicant, she’s not sure of the appropriate behavior when courting a male especially during the reproductive-what’s that? She’s not a robot? Jesus. She needs to get out more. She explains that she’s nervous about her first time to Mersoal Can who tells her that she should tell Drew to get an STD check-up since he “took Bianca to the boiler”-which is my new favorite code for sex; ie: “he took Bianca to the boiler room last night…if you know what I mean-and to stall him so they don’t have to have sex after prom. Because everyone gets laid after prom. EVERYONE!

*hangs head in shame*

Anya gets amateur boot camp training from Jerk-off guy whose name I don’t care to remember in what might be the greatest sport training scene since Rocky IV (this movie has twenty montages) but only after he shouts at her: “I don’t help cokeheads, BUT I WILL PUNCH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.”

Fiona decides to ask Charlie to the prom and tries to surprise her at her studio. By the way, Charlie getting surprised by Fiona was some of the most uncomfortable acting I’ve ever seen. It was like watching two fish flail around. And we finally get the return of Charlie’s absurdly named cat: MR. TUXEDO PANTS! Charlie painted a pretty serial killer-esque portrait of Fiona and she agrees to go to prom with her. This scene left me with one big question: How old is Charlie? I really feel like the Canadian police would frown upon her relationship with Fiona. Later in the episode, Fiona goes to the show and buys the painting. Someone mentions that Fiona’s full name is Fiona Coin. Waitasec. Fiona’s last name is Coin? Oh, come on. Why not just name her Fiona Moneybags?!? All seems well when oh snap, Charlie’s got a girlfriend! Somehow the drama of Fiona drinking again is lessened by the fact that she has to talk to a cat named “Mr. Tuxedo Pants.” And she totally just lets him go into the dangerous streets of Canada. Also, Fiona’s mom goes to nine luncheons a week at least.

Part two begins here andI didn’t realize until tonight how much Adam’s clapping in the theme song reminds me of Brendan Fraser’s clapping. Fiona starts whining to Holly J about EVERYTHING but it turns out Holly J can’t go to prom cause of her kidney transplant. So, shut-up Fiona.

Oh, and in case you forgot, Holly J is going to Yale. THANKS SIMPSON!

She-JJJ’s plan backfires because Drew thinks that it means she wants to jump his bones as soon as possible. She describes him as “a kid with a cookie” which is a pretty good summary of Drew’s entire character. As well as announcing his clean STD slate in front of Merosal Can. When She-JJJ goes to Drew’s house, after she attempts robotic sexiness, Drew reveals he didn’t want to have sex that day! He just wanted her to meet Momzilla!

…

OH DEAR GOD! GET OUT OF THERE SHE-J. JONAH JAMESON!

And so we end with the Degrassi graduation ceremony. Wait, so what exactly was the seating arrangement at the Degrassi graduation ceremony? Simpson is just announcing kids at random and they have to crawl out of their rows one-by-one to get on stage. And he’s not even announcing them in alphabetical order. He said Sav’s name last. Degrassi graduations must take 5 hours.

Tomorrow night we end the season at prom. Which occurs the day after graduation for some reason.