The Pros and Cons of Each Team Winning the NBA Title

By Chris Molicki

-A word from Editor Spence Blazak

Ah, the accursed duality of life and the microcosm of existence that sports represents intrinsically.  Today, fair readers, I have a special treat for you. I have commissioned a blog post from a guest writer like no other. His humor brings me to tears when proofreading, and his artwork (seen here ) almost rivals his writing. Chris Molicki knows more about basketball than anyone I know, and since Bill Simmons hasn’t returned any of my tweets, here we have for you his take on the Pros and Cons of rooting for every team still in the NBA playoffs.

San Antonio Spurs

Pros

·      -They’ve managed to be contenders for over a decade. That’s impressive.

·      -Tim Duncan gets his fifth ring.

·      -Matt Bonner  is the tallest and whitest player who can consistently hit threes.

·      -Danny Green and Kawhi Leonard are those scrappy players who know their roles and are crucial to a championship team.

·      -Gary Neal had to spend his college years at Towson. Do you understand how bad they are?

Cons

·      -They’ve managed to be contenders for over a decade. That’s boring.

·      -They drafted Cory Joseph.

·      -Matt Bonner is a ginger.

·      -Tony Parker managed to ruin a marriage with Eva Longoria.

·      -Boris Diaw is fat and old and out of shape and stupid...Sorry about that. 

Oklahoma City Thunder

Pros

·      -James Harden’s beard.  

·      -The chance for Kevin Durant to be considered better than LeBron James.

·      -This other Reggie Jackson could be nicknamed “Mr. June” (although he plays a very insignificant role on the team and looks like a frog).

·      -Derek Fisher gets more rings than Kobe.

·      -We can finally see Kendrick Perkins smile again.

Cons

·      -Nazr Mohammed has only one vowel in his first name.

·      -The state of Oklahoma finally gets a pro championship. They already have a panhandle, ISN’T THAT ENOUGH!?!

·      -Royal Ivey’s parents had the chops to name him Royal (This is hard, the Thunder are very likeable).

·      -Russell Westbrook will make the jump from being “selfish” to “good.”

·      -We don’t actually want to see Kendrick Perkins smile.

Los Angeles Lakers

Pros

·      -Love him or hate him, it would be cool for Kobe Bryant to get his sixth ring and firmly supplant himself in the GOAT debate with MJ.

·      -The team has been scrutinized more than anyone this season besides the Heat.

·      -The Laker bench is actually playing well, and you don’t have to be a carpenter to love a good bench!

·      -Josh McRoberts wears white mid-calf socks. And yes…he’s white.

·      -A big game in the clincher for L. A.’s point guard would have all of the headlines saying, “Class is in Sessions.”

Cons

·      -Andrew Bynum is an arrogant SOB…but damn is he good.

·      -Metta. World. Peace.

·      -If you hate Kobe.

·      -Josh McRoberts went to Duke. Now it all makes sense.

·      -Jordan Hill can’t hide his dreads and make us think he’s anything but a young tough.

Los Angeles Clippers

Pros

·     - Little brother can finally be the toast of L. A.

·      -Chris Paul deserves it for how clutch he’s been all season.

·      -Maybe they’ll let Caron Butler chew on straws during games again. 

·      -Blake Griffin will surely have several of his usual “Is he fonking serious?” dunks.

·      -You’re sure to get a close up of K-Mart’s lips tattoo. 

Cons

·      -Donald Sterling is the kind of owner that makes you think he’s trying to hurt his team.

·      -The lethargic rookie duo from Georgia of Travis Leslie and Trey Thompkins will win a title.

·      -Reggie Evans was voted as one of the dirtiest players in the NBA in Sports Illustrated.

·      -The Clips don’t have a single player from a non Big Six NCAA school.

·      -VINNY DEL NEGRO IS THE HEAD COACH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

Miami Heat

Pros

·      -No one actually wants the Heat to win. Except for Heat fans. And Heat bandwagoners. So the only possible pro out of this is if Norris Cole decides to bring the flat top back.

Cons

·     - LeBron wins a championship.

·      -Eddy Curry wins a championship.

·      -Erik “The Alien” Spoelstra wins a championship (not to be confused with James “The Alien” Jones).

·      -The Heat would no longer be the NBA’s biggest underachievers.

·      -You just don’t want them to win. Need I say more?

Indiana Pacers

Pros

·      -Larry Bird is the freshest white guy to ever play the game.

·      -Everyone who partook in the Malice at the Palace is no longer on the team.

·      -Head Coach Frank Vogel had the balls to call the Heat the biggest floppers in the NBA.

·      -The state just had a rough year in football…give them a break.

·      -The Pacers have never won an NBA title. It’s always good when a team wins their first.

Cons

·      -Larry Bird is racist.

·      -Somehow, third string point guard Leandro Barbosa is making over $7 million, much more than starters Paul George, Roy Hibbert, Spence Blazak, and George Hill.

·      -There is a player on the team named Jeff Pendergraph.

·      -Hibbert ruined my fantasy basketball team with his pathetic post-All Star break performances. (Editor’s note:…..There’s fantasy basketball? That’s a thing?)

·      -No one would actually care outside the state of Indiana.

Boston Celtics

Pros

·      -It would be impressive to see a team of old guys pull another title out of their asses. Kind of like the plot of Space Cowboys.

·      -I would love to see the Bill Simmons column for if they win.

·      -They most likely will have beaten the Heat to get there. And they may have the best chance at doing that.

·     - Ray Allen, one guy you can’t hate on the Celtics no matter who you are, would hit some big threes along the way.

·      -Ryan Hollins was on the UCLA team that made Adam Morrison cry. 

Cons

·      -Kevin Garnett is a scumbag.

·      -I would love to see the Bill Simmons column for if they lose even more.

·     - Paul Pierce is a douchebag.

·      -Doc Rivers’ son is Austin Rivers.

·      -I swear to God I’m not a Knicks fan and Celtics hater.

Philadelphia 76ers

Pros

·      - Wookiee Wednesday patron Dave Piccolela would be happy.

·     - They have a player named Xavier Silas.

·      -Sweet shooting white big men defy the NBA way, and Spencer Hawes is one of them.

·      -A prestigious career for Elton Brand could be capped off with a championship.

·      -A different AI wins a title for the Sixers. WE TALKIN’ BOUT PRACTICE.
- -This song.

Cons

·      -Dave Piccolela wouldn’t throw a tantrum.

·      -The city of Philadelphia would win their first title since the Phillies won the World Series.

·      -They traded for Sam Young of the Grizzlies and have not played him. GIVE THE MAN AN OPPORTUNITY.

·      -They pretty much got a free pass to the second round with Derrick Rose’s injury.

·      -They only have one player below 6’ 4”. Talk about height advantage.