By Spence Blazak
Before I reveal anything about my opinion on The Avengers, I will tell you about the epic tale of how Dalton, Nick, and I got tickets to see the film early and our misadventure at the theater. SPOILER ALERT: Our adventure to the theater just might have been more epic than, wait for it, THE MOVIE ITSELF.
The date: 5 days ago. Like any day that I had economics homework due in an hour, I find myself in Nick's room watching him play Geometry Wars.
Nick: "Ah, man! Shapes!"
I sit and do my daily crossword puzzle. A disruptive buzz from my cellular phone disrupts my concentration. I lower my half-moon spectacles and tilt my chin back to get an adequate look at the phone's text. "Dalton". Hmm. For some, unknown reason I do something very un-Spencelike....I pick it up.
Dalton: "Get to the SAC. Free Avengers tickets. But 'cha gotta act now! Run."
The phone falls to the ground, exploding like this.
Me: "NICK. RUN. COME. ASFHJS:FHKLDHASIJDH:LDFJDSL:KFHASD!!!!!!!!"
Nick: "Alright."
We run. We run like never before. The SAC (Mordor) is about a 2 minute walk and a 100 second run, so my brain-GPS predicts it will take my fat ass approximately 45 minutes. Without foot traffic. I look behind me to see how the Boy is doing.
Nick: "Go on without me! I don't have shoes! Where are we going!"
Me: "*this*"
We soon arrive at the SAC (Mordor) 44 minutes ahead of schedule and enter up the Steps of Cirith Ungol. We open up the gate of Morannon leading to the belly of Barad-dur (Its Sauron's tower....I feel like the CIA will put me on a list if I post one more Lord of the Rings wiki-link).
We find out from our scout that if we go downstairs we will find our man with the booty. SPOILER ALERT: we go down the stairs and find our man.
Me: "Hey, could-"
Worker Drone: "HOLD ON! PHONE CALL!"
Me: "*this*.....oh! oh! Sorry! Thought you said there were no tickets HAHA....nevermind."
Worker Drone: "Hello, yes, this is the SAC (Mordor)......yes......we do have eggs......I don't know what kind, you'll have to go check.....You too. *hangs up*"
Me: "Well I mean I was just going to ask about eggs too, but uh-----*he doesn't laugh* Do you still have Avengers tickets?"
And here we are, a few hours ago. I am wearing a baby blue Polo, a Thor hammer, and a cool-guy backwards hat. Yes, I am using the Thor hammer to keep the ladies away! HEY! I am also packing heat (I stuffed a can of Arnold Palmer in my crotch, as per Blazak movie going tradition).
We can't bring our phones in. Security is tight for the big pre-premiere. I'm sweating. A big man looks me in the eye. He knows. He knows the secret in my cargo pants. This is where it ends.
He doesn't care in the slightest and lets me through.
We then hear a woman yell: "I'm pregnant, goddammit, I can't lay any eggs!"
We get all the way to the door of the theater, going past a few security check points. Then, I am stopped. An official man WITH A TIE has a metal detecting wand.
I await my fate. Nick gets buzzed for having his keys in his pants. Dalton gets buzzed for his watch. My turn. He takes the wand and goes over my arms, my legs, my crotch. It goes off. He looks at me.
"Just go on through...."
Now, ladies and gentleman, my review of The Avengers.....will be posted later on.
No comments:
Post a Comment