Get your ass kicked...with class!
By Spence Blazak
There are a select few experiences that the majority of humans want to experience before they die, and these wants unite them as a species. Going skydiving, become a movie star, own a bar, and talk your way out of a parking ticket, just to name a few. The morbidly inspiring bucket list. I've been checking things off from my bucket list for awhile now, but ever since the REXL bus almost backed over me on George Street two weeks ago, I've been encouraged to shift my quest into overdrive.
The last few things I have checked off my list are "Go to Trenton after 2 A.M. and survive," "Bleach My Hair," and "Write a Short Play That Someone Doesn't Hate," and my newest conquest is a human desire dating back to cavemen times. What is it? CREATE A POP PUNK BAND. With the help of my associate Nick, we have created a pop punk band. Not only will this achievement get crossed off my list, but so will "be the lead singer of a band and do the Mick Jagger strut" and "write a melodramatic song."
Why pop punk, you may ask? I'll tell you. Firstly, it's the last genre that hasn't been "over rocked." Can you still rock out to Led Zeppelin? Yeah. A little bit. But its just been rocked out to for so long that its gotten a tad bit stale. The music is still great, but there is nothing quite like a youthful burst of fresh rocking out.
Also the rawness of the lyrics in pop punk is undeniably awesome. Angst and wicked ex lovers are the almost universal song subjects. A lot of it is idiotic and corny, but that's the best part! When something is screamed in a whiny pop punk voice with a cheesy guitar lead behind it, somehow it stings a little more. As Brand New once said "Even if your plane crashes tonight, you'll find some way to disappoint me: by not burning in the wreckage or DROWNING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEEEEEEA." Woof! Good morning!
There is one thing that you need above all else to be able to write some solid pop punk songs, and that is unsettled bad blood between you and your old flames. If there is one thing on this Earth that I have, it is just that. Yes, most of my disputes have been settled, but WHO THE HELL CARES!!!!! POPPUUUUUUNK!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!! *throws cymbal into the crowd*. The potential songs that some of these moments will inspire are too hilarious and AWESOME to pass up.
-I <3 Maria the Cleaning Lady
-#Nbd
-Girls Suck, So We're Gay Now
-I Know
-Love Me
-Goodnight, Sweet Prince
-I ****** Voldemort
Potential Songs! Guess what the missing expletives are! Go on, guess! (long, over the top titles! POPPUUUUUNK!)
-"Band Room ****-***"
-"Oh, Ohio"
-"Why the **** Did I Walk a Marathon?"
-"You Peed in My Bed And It's My Fault"
-"I've Got a Graveyard Feeling!"
-"Your Boyfriend Won't Stop Telling Me about ******* You"
-"Michael Buble"
-"You Forget, But I Totally Gave Your Boyfriend Tips on Making Out with You"
-"I Can't Go Near Running Tracks Anymore Because You Made Me Hate Them More Than Satan"
Our first gig was on Valentine's Day. We grabbed our beanies, tuned up Nick's untunable guitar, and went to work. We settle on the band name "Girls Suck, So We're Gay Now" (G.S.S.W.G.N.). We perform the following set list to our devoted 8 fans:
-"Just Like Heaven"-The Cure
-"Mine"-Taylor Swift
-"I Miss You"-Blink 182
-"Dammit"-Blink 182
We almost managed to convince one fan that we wrote "Mine", but that only last for 4 seconds. All in all, it was a smash success. One girl gave us the review: "I liked it." Gig 1: In the bag.
Will GSSWGN continue its hit streak? Will this be the last article? WIll I ever write a song? Will Nick realize how much I suck and leave me? Will i ever get to do a Mick Jagger strut?
To be continued….
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