Spence Blazak Presents: The REAL Superbowl Half Time Show

By Spence Blazak

Madonna has been kidnapped by the Mole People. Now is my moment. You all knew it was coming, and so did I: Spence Blazak getting the opportunity to create the Superbowl's Halftime Show. Thats right. I'm not lying. My letter from football commissioner Roger Goodell came in the mail by owl this morning. Or maybe I was just hallucinating again……nah, that owl looked too good in his monocle and sailor hat to be made up by my mind. Anyway, I'm always one for spoilers, so here is what will happen at the much anticipated Wookiee Wednesday Halftime Show!

After a disappointing first half of football, what do the sad, lonely fans in Cleveland, Miami, Dallas, and Philadelphia want to see? I'll tell you. Two things: a shitty stand up comedian and Phil Collins. Now, since I have a budget of 50 million dollars, it doesn't take an accountant to tell you that by hiring those two acts, I'm at about $200. All that money goes to Phil Collins. The comedian will be paid in Pepsi Max and ham sandwiches. Here is where the rest of that $4,999,800 will be going:

The lights are dimmed. Suddenly "Start Me Up" by The Rolling Stones starts playing. Fireworks. A phoenix flies over the 50 yard line. And by "phoenix", I mean a peacock that is on fire, and by "fly", I mean we toss it out of a plane and give it a parachute.

Then, out of the sky comes a figure in the distance. A man with a jet pack. A man who is America's most famous comedian. Sinbad. He reenacts the first four minutes of his DVD special Sinbad: Where U Been? He only lasts for four minutes because the winner of the Papa Johns "Shoot Sinbad with a Poison Dart" contest comes in to keep things moving.

Then the main act begins. Phil Collins emerges from the crowd, where he has been sitting the whole time. Everyone is confused when this random man starts walking towards the stage, and security tackles him. Lets be honest….no one really know what Phil Collins looks like.

Phil's setlist is in two parts. Part 1 is a song for song play through of the Tarzan and Brother Bear soundtracks. Including a 12 minute rendition of "Trashin the Camp." And yes, Wayne Knight will be there reprising his role as the talking red elephant. After the song's second reprise, the camera will cut away to a man slitting his wrists.

Part 2 is the big finale. Phil performs "Against All Odds" with a twist. The twist? Everyone knows Phil wrote the song about his ex-wife….SO WE PAY HIS EX WIFE THE REST OF THE BUDGET TO SIT ON STAGE. The Survivor generation will EAT UP the awkward television that will end in one of the two people on stage crying, throwing a chair at Wayne Knight, and running into the Women's Restroom. I won't say which person that will be.

Then the stage explodes.

Next the disappointing second half of football resumes and I make millions! And the guy who won the Papa Johns contest lives happily ever after.

Wheres my check?