Is Spiderman 2 As Good As I Remember?

By Spence Blazak

In honor of the 100th Wookiee Wednesday blogpost, I thought I'd go into my vault of ideas for articles that had been put on the back burner. Located right ahead of "Why Fat People Should Star in All Movies" was "Spiderman 2 is Fucking Awesome." I realized that I didn't actually have a thesis. Strike that. I didn't actually have a thesis that someone other than a 10 year old would read. So I proposed the predicament to my friend Nick. He said "that movie is stupid, lets watch it." And thus I had my thesis….is Spiderman 2 really the beacon of hope, the savior of cinema, and a microcosm of all that is awesome?.........alright, I just want an excuse to talk about Spiderman. Now shut up and laugh.

PREVIEWING:

I haven't seen the movie in about 2 years. As everyone knows, an opinion of a movie changes as time goes away from it. The brain fills in empty memory spaces with what it wants to be there, thus creating a more polarizing opinion than when you first saw it. I mean, heh, I would know….I AM in General Psychology AFTER ALL.

Anyway, Nick and I set out to figure out a few things:

Is my claim that Spiderman 2 is just as good as The Dark Knight prophetic or bullshit?

Did the shiftiness of Spiderman 3 (especially this) leave a bad taste in the mouths of fans so they associate the second and the third together?

Why did I like this so much in the first place?

VIEWING:

Just as the movie is about to start, I remember that Kirsten Dunst had a topless scene in last year's Melancholia. Then something extraordinary happened. Nick's computer became possessed and magically went to Google, finding aforementioned pictures!!!!!!!! It must have been a hacker….or….something…..anyway, we missed the first five minutes due to this. Off to a good start.

As we continue, I start to realize why I like Spiderman. His life is shit. He can't pay his rent, everyone hates him, his best friend wants to kill him, he never does his Photonomy homework, and if he tries to get with Mary Jane, she will probably die. He saves a fucking bank from being robbed by an octopus man, and society won't even give him a piece of cheese on a stick at some party! Its a hard knock life, as Jay-Z would say. How does Spiderman cope? HE MENTALLY SUPPRESSES THE GENES THAT GIVE HIM SUPERPOWERS AND HE BECOMES SOFT AGAIN. Now that is some heavy stuff for a superhero movie. I also just realized Michael Chabon, Pulitzer Prize winning author, helped write the script.

Spiderman's psychological struggle alone makes this a god among superhero movies. On top of all this, Spiderman continually helping people that hate and dont appreciate him is the ultimate in badassness. One thing that Spiderman lost me on is that he isn't constantly making out with hotties upside down. Dude. C'mon. He shuts down Mary Jane so much that by the climax I'm just depressed. Then in the end, he comes through in the clutch by stealing Mary Jane away from Captain Dbag the astronaut. An astronaut? To girls, thats like a thousand Tom Bradys with a Ryan Gosling mask on. Its more impressive than when Barney Stinson got a girl to go home with him over Yankee Dbag Nick Swisher in How I Met Your Mother. Also, he throws caution to the wind about that whole "Mary Jane getting killed by The Joker or whoever" thing. Honestly, I think Spiderman picks his pitches so that he hits nothing but astronauts. Yeah.

After reminiscing about how J. Jonah Jameson inspired me as Editor-In-Chief of my school paper, our friend came into the room for the end of the movie. He gave this inspiring speech:

"You know what, man? I love this. Spiderman is just trying to get Maryjane. You know, weed. It makes him happy. He isn't happy until he gets it. This guy is me. I'm……Spiderman. Maryjane makes me happy."

He had done shrooms a few hours before this.

All in all we realize that Spiderman 2 just might be as good as The Dark Knight but in another way…its kind of schlocky as opposed to super serious, you can make a plethora of Mets jokes throughout as opposed to "Bat-pun" jokes, Spiderman is a lovable loser as opposed to Batman's Hugh Heffner-esque style. Just…..you know……..Spiderman!