Messrs. Spence Blazak and Brian Long
Brian Long: CANADA! CITY OF THE LIVING! And with this opening we establish that it is spring break. Look at everyone doing spring break things like…running around the city…and…oh hey, bikini!
Spence Blazak: I wish Fiona was one of those lesbians who liked guys too.... This is going to be the best hour of all time.
Brian: “Spence Blazak, the most hyperbolic man in sports entertainment”- USA Today. Anyway, Bianca wins some kind of public dancing contest which shows that her characterization continues to be prostitute in training characterization continues to be “prostitute in training.”
Spence: Jacoby Ellsbury (Drew) looks like that old cartoon clip of the wolf whistling at the lady during this scene.
Brian: And the prize is…tickets to a Keke Palmer concert?
Spence: SPECIAL GUEST KEKE PALMER OF AKEELA AND THE BEE!!!!!!!!!
Brian: Is that who that is? Was she Akeela or the Bee? Suddenly, and without warning, we meet Bianca’s ex-boyfriend.
Spence: Is Trey Songz here her old pimp?
Brian: I wouldn’t be shocked. And he comes with a HILARIOUS ominous theme song. This dude has the craziest crazy eyes ever. Canada has a serious gang problem.
Spence: Jacoby’s mom then kicks Bianca out of the house while she is having a late night rendezvous with Jacboy. Being a total Mom-zilla, as usual. And I’m pretty sure that Jacoby was reading "Night" to cover up the sex.
Brian: And Rikki Lake look-alike. Meanwhile, Fiona is planning a trip to some rich people island place thing. And she can’t contain her excitement for virgin daiquiris!
Spence: THAT DAQUIRIS GONNA BE THE ONLY THING ON THAT ISLAND THAT’S A VIRGIN! HEYOOOOOOO!
Brian: Fiona’s mom walks in and has the BIGGEST hat I’ve ever seen. And announces that-UGH-their flight is cancelled because of an erupting volcano! White people problems!
Spence: As Rodeny Dangerfield would say,"Ya get a free bowl of soup with that hat?" And they’re rich. Can’t they buuuuuuuuuuy a new volcano?
Brian: The Bhandari’s are…painting a wall for some reason? A wall that the camera is behind?
Spence: Camera's don’t paint themselves, Brian!
Brian: Sav is really super sad since Holly J left him, even though he’s gotten with every good lookin’ broad this side of Montreal.
Spence: Cue the Enya song.
Brian: It certainly sounded like the opening chords. So his sister Ali, being the precocious little dweeb she is says they need to go out and do…I
don’t know, shop? Now we catch up with KC, a character who I hope won’t be an awful sack of crap this season. What’s that? His kid’s name is Guthrie? Worst. Dad. Ever.
Spence: "NOOOOO KC, WE DONT WANT TO SEE PICTURES OF YOUR FUCKING KID"-Everyone in that gym
Brian: Meanwhile, Sav is doing sunglass shopping therapy and just when you think this season will contain a storyline devoted to Sav’s
eyewear addiction along comes…AKELA AND THE BEE!
Spence: Oh shit AKELA AND THE BEE. Hellooooooooooooooo keke!!!!!!!
Brian: Keke, like every woman in Canada, is completely powerless to Sav’s charms so she invites him to the show! Now we turn to Holly J and Fiona going to art class, what else are ya gonna do when your flight gets ruined by volcano? Fiona decides to spread her newfound lesbian
wings and immediately falls in love with the nude model, Charlie.
Spence: N-n-n-n-n-n-ude!?!?!?!?!
Brian: This still ranks beneath her own twin and a pig underneath the most random crushes that Fiona has had. Now, we go back AGAIN to
Jacoby talking to his mom about going to the Akela and the Bee concert.
Spence: I swear. They are acting like this concert is Mozart coming back from the dead, and playing one night only.
Brian: This is what’s exhausting about Degrassi season premieres. We have to touch base on the forty-eight main characters this show has. When Jacoby tells his mom he’s going with Bianca, she says “is that the girl who wouldn’t dance with Adam (Jacoby’s transgender brother) in ballroom class?” Jacoby's mom knows everyone by THE WRONGS THEY HAVE COMMITED.
Spence:"Ballroom class? That what they call it?"-Dad
Brian: Haha are you watching this with your dad?
Spence: Sadly. He is embarrassed of me. There goes my inheritance!
Brian: Now we finally get to the Keke Palmer concert.
Spence: Boy is Sav in for a surprise.
Brian: Why does everyone in Canada know who Keke Palmer is but Sav? It’s not strangers either. It’s his sister and most of his core group of
friends.
Spence: And now the return of Crazy Eyes Killa (Bianca’s crazy ex).
Brian: This dude is literally in the EXACT same pose in the frame that he was in last time. This actor is fucking incredible. “You dirsty? Can I
buy y’all a drink?” And then Jacoby is shocked-SHOCKED- to find his lady friend hanging out with such a ruffian! This is where we find out that KC is apparently an inner city gang counselor.
Spence: "NOT EVERYONE LIVES IN A NICE HOUSE OFF THE PARK"-KC
Brian: Okay, this is an hour long episode, so let’s move this along.
Spence: What is this guy gonna do? Try to rape Bianca in the middle of the.....oh.....he is.
Brian: Stereotypical Gang Member #5 tries to rape Bianca, spurring Jacoby to jump in and try and stop him. While he’s distracted, Bianca bashes her ex over the head with a nearby cinderblock which, no joke, KILLS HIM. IT JUST BECAME THE BREAKING BAD OF TEEN DRAMAS. Jacoby and Bianca flee the scene of the crime and return the next day, because Canadian police apparently don’t rope off crime scenes, to find Bianca’s bracelet. In a shocking plot twist, it turns out that Generic Gang Guy #8 found the bracelet. He makes a late night offer to Jacoby to come work for him as, and I swear I’m not making this up, a male prostitute. In order to gain this privilege he must first shoot someone.
Spencer: Talk about needing job experience during a recession!!!! AM I RIGHT?!?!?I still don’t understand why he didn’t just shoot the whole gang right there, Death Wish style.
Brian: Death Wish: The Next Generation. This is truly one the greatest examples of Degrassi’s hot-button issue plate spinning. So Jacoby turns himself in at the end of the episode and claims that he is responsible for the murder of Ex-con McConvictson.
What we skimmed
- After a set-up that seemed hackneyed for softcore porn, Fiona ends up with the scooter lovin’ Charlie. Storyline’s theme: HOW DOES MONEY NOT SOLVE ALL THESE SCOOTERS AND VOLCANO PROBLEMS???
- Sav, after acting like Single White Female over Keke Palmer (it’s not like I could.....ambush her at her hotel......OR LEAVE BURNING POOP ON HER WINDOWSILL!?!?!?!) finally meets his dream girl who’s super famous that he just discovered existed but she is quickly whisked away by her bodyguard looks like he just stepped out of the Matrix and is banished to the land of Degrassi guest stars like Billy Ray Cyrus limo driver, never to be seen again. Also, it appears that bodyguards in Canada throw in the towel after 4 steps into their pursuits.
What comes next
- Eli's new love interest is named "Imogen" and she looks like she just fell in an american apparel and then walked out with whatever landed on her
- GANG VIOLENCE
Absurd-o-Tron 3000
- Holly J being the worst straight friend ever by using the term “lesbiandar.” 6.5/10
- The dramatic music that played when Ex-Con, the plot device that walked like a man, first showed up. 8.0/10
- Fiona saying, "Did I mention that I'm a leszzzzzzbian?" to every person she meets. She's like a 7 year old who just got his first pack of Pokemon cards. 6/10
- Holly J's new bangs. 11/10
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