By Brian Long
Tonight’s the big night! And to celebrate the return of Deadliest Warrior I have three more battles to determine who is…THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR (check out part 1 here [i])
Tesla vs. Edison
The Wizard of Menlo Park vs. the closest thing this world has ever had to a real mad scientist. Who will take the crown of Nuttiest Proffesor?
Most Impressive Invention
Edison: Inventor of the light bulb, probably one of the only pieces of technology that has had little to no alterations since its invention. And you’ve got at least one in every household around the whole world. Screwing in one of these bulbs continues to be the Sisyphean task of everything from blondes to politicians.
Tesla: Oh you know, wireless electricity. IN 1891. Suck it, Steve Jobs. You can’t even get Flash to work on an iPad. This guy made wireless electricity using nothing but A BOX OF SCRAPS![ii]
ADVANTAGE: Tesla: The wireless electricity was so advanced nobody knew what the hell to do with it. Sorta like my hover-toilet idea.
Sickest Burn
Edison: When Tesla was still working as one of Edison’s assistants, Edison said he would give him 50,000 dollars if he could make improvements to his DC generation plants. Tesla totally did it and obviously wanted his cheddar. When he asked for his well-earned Benjamins, Edison replied: “"When you become a full-fledged American you will appreciate an American joke." Ouch.
Tesla: This is a quote that Tesla gave to the New York Times when they were writing an article about Edison shortly after his death- “He had no hobby, cared for no sort of amusement of any kind and lived in utter disregard of the most elementary rules of hygiene ... His method was inefficient in the extreme, for an immense ground had to be covered to get anything at all unless blind chance intervened and, at first, I was almost a sorry witness of his doings, knowing that just a little theory and calculation would have saved him 90 percent of the labor. But he had a veritable contempt for book learning and mathematical knowledge, trusting himself entirely to his inventor's instinct and practical American sense.” Ooooh, too soon?
ADVANTAGE: Edison: I have to give this one to Edison. Badmouthing a guy right after he died is pretty cold, but Edison pretty much Tom Sawyered Tesla into fixing his piece of crap plants.
Craziest Invention
Edison: He apparently came up with a diet for himself that involved only drinking liquids. People still use this diet today, it’s called bulimia.
Tesla: Came up with a device he referred to as a “peace ray” or as it’s more commonly known, A MOTHA FUCKIN’ DEATH RAY.
ADVANTAGE: Tesla: As if you had to ask.
WINNER: Edison throws light bulbs at Tesla until he zaps him WITH HIS FREAKIN’ DEATH RAY.
Battle Royale Between Every Cast Member of the Various “Real Housewives” Show
Sometimes I wonder how we’re in a recession, and then I see these women defaulting on credit cards left and right and I get a moment of clarity.
WINNER: The fight ends abruptly when the stadium collapses, killing all of the participants…weird.
Tea Party vs. NPR Subscribers
The fight we’ve all been waiting for! With the fate of the country at stake!
Economic Recovery Strategy
NPR Subscribers: “It’s outrageous to think that the rich are given tax breaks while-”
Tea Party: “YOU WOULD SAY THAT YA SOCIALIST! NO TAXES! CUT SPENDING!”
NPR: “Anyway, these millionaires are more than capable of-”
Tea Party: “NO NEW TAXES! BRING BACK THE REAL AMERICA AND CUT SPENDING!”
NPR: “What could we possibly cut-”
Tea Party: “SMALL GOVERNMENT!”
NPR: “How do you plan on-”
Tea Party: “NO-BAMA! NO-BAMA!”
WINNER: This was an awful idea…
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