The Top 19 Ways to Get More People to Watch the Womens World Cup

by Spence Blazak

Yeah, America is in the final, goalie Hope Solo is the hottest mom since circa 1955 Mrs. McFly in Back to the Future, and a Point Pleasantite is on the team, yet no one seems to really be involved in this year’s Womens World Cup. For years, I have been trying to further my candidacy for El Presidente of the Womens FIFA, and in the next few paragraphs, my ballsy innovations will show why I’m the man for the job. It seems to me like this Sunday’s soccer final needs........A KICK! Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be signing autographs out back.

19. The opening montage is narrated by Neal Patrick Harris and shows the players as the Smurfs. It worked for the All Star Game with Captain America clips, and by gum it’ll work for this!

18. The soccer ball is painted a funny color. Like mauve.

17. Barack Obama’s dog (Bo Obama) throws out the first pitch.....they have that in soccer, right?

16. The inevitable streaker around the 23’ minute is swarmed by a large group of barn owls.....then carried away to Azkaban.

15. A half time show featuring Taylor Swift and the ghost of Johnny Cash.....playing nothing but deep cuts. The crowd will go wild at the mash up of Tied Together with a Smile and The Ballad of Drunken Ira Hayes.

14. Every spectator is given a vuvezuala, a fifth of Southern Comfort, and a loaded flare gun.

13. Hope Solo legally changes her first name to Han, and there is a live feed of her beautiful , dimpled face in the bottom-right corner of the screen.

12. A celebrity joust at halftime between the two Afleck brothers

11. Whenever nothing happens for an extended stretch of time, the game feed automatically cuts to funny Rick Moranis clips from Ghostbusters 2

10. A life size Optimus Prime drops off the Japanese team, and a 90 foot tall Dr. House robot drops off the US team. The two robots then fight to the death in outer space.

9. The players’ Gatorade coolers are filled with my own concoction, dubbed the “Commissioner Blazak.” A mixture of Four Loko, cough syrup, and crack cocaine.

8. Instead of pointless commentating, 90’s one hit wonders play the entire time.

7. Just in case we can’t get the rights to the discography of Right Said Fred, Milli Vanilli, The Spin Doctors, and The Crash Test Dummies, Will Ferrel commentates doing his Harry Carey impression. “Do you know what time it is?......RED CARD O’CLOCK”

6. Fireworks... THE WHOLE TIME

5. A toothless snow leopard is released onto the field during the 48’ minute (3 minutes after halftime so that everyone lets their guard down, then BOOM....leopard), and it is then subdued by the mascot

4. The game is refereed by the cast of Cheers....and Professor Severus Snape

3. Also fix the economy by letting everything be advertised by woman things. The entire field is covered in a poster for “Franklin & Bash,” the nets are sponsored by Appletini, Hope Solo has a Good House Keeping helps achieve a woman’s GOOOOOOALS sign on her back, Tampax will pop up somewhere. TELL ME WHEN TO STOP! Also....all profits taken by the country with the largest anti-perspirent industry (U!S!A!U!S!A!).

2. The game starts off with the Monday Night Football guy making up a song for the event, with the following lyrics:

YEEEEEEEEEEEAH

Its football niiiiiight in Dresdeeeeen-town

We bombed them in WWII, but now that frown is UP-SIDE-DOWN

Japan has Yukari Kinga, who shoots like a kamikazee

(spoken as he lowers glasses and looks at camera) and legs that make everyone scream ASI-ASI-ASI

America is also here to bring home that cup

They got way hotter players, whaddup?!

You’ll be living on the edge of your seat

Now grab some Four Loko AND GET READY FOR A TREEEEEEEEEEAT! YEAH! FOOOOOOBALLLLLLLLLLLL!

1. The matchup between America vs. Japan is affectionately dubbed “WWII: PART II.”