Battleship: The movie. It seems like a joke. And it is. But it is also SO VERY REAL. The most shocking thing though is how LITTLE any of this has to do with Battleship the board game. Maybe I’m a little bitter that my screenplay about two grown men in tiger costumes playing the Battleship board game for four hours until the house they’re in catches fire was rejected by Universal Pictures-IT’S A METAPHOR FOR THE FUTILTY OF WAR YOU PEDESTRIANS. Anyway, here’s the breakdown.
We open with a couple on the beach as a Black Keys song plays in the background. The Black Keys’ songs have quickly replaced “Who Let the Dogs Out” and any Black Eyed Peas song as generic go-to commercial music. Anyway the pretty people who are making out getting married or something apparently.
Amount this has to do with Battleship: 0%
Then we cut to the dude-who is apparently a Naval officer- getting chewed out by LIAM NEESON for being too on the edge and too much of a maverick. Dammit Liam Neeson, he gets results! Get off his back! So, apparently the pretty renegade guy is trying to marry Liam Neeson’s daughter. He tells him to enjoy the naval games because “THEY’LL BE YOUR LAST!” Oh, man. He’s in troublllleeeeeeee.
Amount this has to do with Battleship: 5% (well, at least I know the Navy is involved in some way.)
The battleships are moving out, getting ready for the games; hey it’s that guy from True Blood! Anyway, in the middle of the ocean they see something strange…
Amount this has to do with Battleship: 30% (well, at least I know the ocean is involved in someway.)
Suddenly the strange object shoots out…a force field. Okay, okay that could just be some sort of crazy advanced technology, right? Then the ship bursts out of the water. It’s fucking aliens.
Amount this has to do with Battleship: -55% (so…this isn’t going to be Top Gun with more battleships? ALIENS?)
There’s never been aliens in Battleship. Why are there aliens. Oh great, the aliens are shooting their weapons now. What could they possibly-ARE THOSE GIANT PEGS? THE ALIENS LITERALLY JUST SHOT GIANT PEGS INTO THE BATTLESHIP!
Amount this has to do with Battleship: 285%
Well, there you have it. They found a way to make the most literal adaptation of Battleship imaginable. With some aliens thrown in for good measure. Also, Rhianna. I look forward to the adaptation of Sorry which involves cops getting brightly colored mechsuits that they use to jump on one another to send them backwards, you know, to prison. The police chief is a giant pair of talking dice.
No comments:
Post a Comment