by Spence Blazak
-Waiting until the last minute to buy my ticket for the midnight premiere of what might be the highest grossing movie in film history is right up there with "Everybody Poops:The Musical" as my worst ideas of all time. Fandango has crashed 4 times all ready and keeps trying to sell me tickets to Zookeeper. Good grief. Why is that real?
Same day 5:25
-Watched the "Booze Cruise" Episode of The Office to pass the time while the website loaded. I go back to the computer........the internet has completely crashed. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.
5:35
-One. More. Time. I. Must. See. The. Boy. Who. Lived. At this point, my compadre Evan is rolling on the floor laughing at my reaction. He said it was like the video of the angry German kid who destroys his keyboard because he lost at World of Warcraft. He's probably right. WIsh he would have taken a video.
6:00
-I'M CONVINCED THAT VOLDEMORT AND SATAN ARE THE CEOs OF FANDANGO!!!!!! I WILL MAKE IT MY LIFE'S GOAL TO BRING THIS COMPANY TO ITS......just went on facebook and bought a ticket from a kid who bought too many. Wow! That was easy!
P-Day: 7:24
-A few hours until I set out for Potter night. A few last minute thoughts: I can't really imagine that this movie will be anything less than spectacular. The conclusion to one of the greatest stories ever told, the last book is the strongest of the series, and this last half of the book contains some of Rowling's best prose including the Battle of Hogwarts, the last chapter, and my personal favorite, the payoff to Snape's character. Many writers spend their entire lives trying to write something with a sliver of the brilliance contained in that chapter on Snape. Damn fine. It is a little bit disconcerting that it is only 2 hours long, but hopefully they know what they are doing....and I'm probably just being a snob.
8:00
-My friend James pointed out that this would be the easiest movie in the world to make. They can literally do whatever the hell they want, half ass the entire thing, but still make 500 million dollars. No matter how bad it is, people will see it, and over 100 million in profits will be made tonight/this weekend.
I think the Potter makers recognize the task at hand though and realize what is at stake with this movie. If they botch this, they will be immortalized as traitors for all eternity. They will have ruined childhoods the world over. There will be riots in the streets. A plague of locusts will descend from the heavens. I'm confident that this will be a masterpiece........knock on wood.
8:50
-Peter Long heroically updates his Facebook status to "Harry dies."
9:00
-I forgot how funny it is to refer to bald guys as "Voldemort". It shows that as a society, we've finally moved on from "Daddy Warbucks", "Lex Luthor", and "The Thing." Who am I kidding, I'm going to start using them more than ever!
9:52
-I really want to make a snarky t-shirt to wear to the premiere with one of the following phrases: "I'm just here for the Muggles", "Harry dies", "Don't blame me, I voted for Fudge", "Happy Bastille Day!!!!!', "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe a Horcrux is a type of large wooden ship", "Mr. Bellatrix Lestrange", and "Muggle girls do it better."
10:15
-Settled on "Muggle Girls Do It Better"
10:24
-Hit a detour en route to theater. The main road to Potter is under construction....I suppose that the entirety of Brick Township lives under a rock.
10:50
-Arrive at theater. Bought ticket for wrong showing. Separated from group and alone in seconds. Look at surroundings. I wonder if the girls dressed up as Harry realize that they just look like naughty librarians/Liz Lemon.
10:59
-Evan rescues me and brings me into the theater. I can't believe I have to sit in this seat soaked in synthetic butter and semen for 66 minutes until showtime. I think I'll go get some syntheticly buttered popcorn.
11:05
-Run into my friends Emily and Nicole in the snack line. Only mention this because Emily kept wanting to order "pretzel nubbiez" and I thought this was a strong contender for "Funniest Thing I've Heard All Week." haha.....nubbiez
11:06
-Two strangers compliment my shirt. Another two say "oh my!...." and turn away. Good omen.
11:50
-Get back to the seat just in time to see a behind-the-scenes look at The Smurfs. Good grief. THE BAD PUNS DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
12:05
-I yell "Voldemort is stupid!" at the top of my lungs. A slow clap is started. I'm blinded by the stupidity of the 3D Happy Feet Two Trailer.
12:07
-The Dark Knight Rises trailer begins. First off, is that the best title they could come up with? Second, what is the point of teaser trailers. "Oh, man they showed Bane's back. Batmaaaaan <3." I text this to Wookie Wednesday correspondent Brian Long who responds "Fuck off. That back was AWESOME."
12:14
-After a few more mind numbingly dull trailers, Potter begins.
2:36
-Update my facebook status to "Potter was perfect." My friend Sue texts me, "It was good....but they left out a bunch of stuff." Me: "Shut the hell up."
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