By Spence Blazak with help from Peter Long and Brian Long
I know what you’re thinking. “Spence, why the hell do you watch Degrassi? Why don’t you go volunteer....or go make some friends?” I’ll tell you. It is the best awful TV show ever filmed. Anyone who has ever had a conversation with me knows my obsession with “Schlock Value,” as Richard Roeper calls it. I am fascinated by the unintentionally funny, and the show that takes place in a school on the sunny beaches of Canada is the grandaddy of all things Schlocky. With the new season of Degrassi quickly approaching (July 18th), the writers at Wookie Wednesday have decided to put our heads together to countdown our all-time favorite funny moments. And if you don’t watch Degrassi, I think you’ll enjoy the list even more.
41. Everyone going to Yale/Stanford -100% Degrassi acceptance rate
40. “Always on my mind” by The Three Tenners -Dave made a rap group with Wes and the autisitc kid. This was their hit single. It had jazz flute. It had cheesy synthesizer drums. It had an autotuned Dave. I spent the entirety of last summer trying to get this as my ringtone. I can’t do the song justice with description so all you can do is pray that one day it comes onto the “Canadian Rap” XM radio chanel.
39. Frumpy (our nickname for Claire) sticking tongue out in the opening credits.
38. Natasha Bedingfield performing at prom
37. Liberty getting into a sorority because she's "black"
36. The Jane face -a cross between Jack Nicholson’s Joker and Kermit the Frog
35. The female attorney named....Toni Starke
34. The writers needing to have a token black guy...and have Emma hook up with him.
33. “High school is tough. Things like Algebra can be confusing. Heck. LIFE can be
confusing.” -The episode that is a PSA for transgender people.....
32. Toby pooping his way onto the wrestling team-Exactly what it sounds like, sadly.
31. Emma looking like a fetal pig in early seasons
30. Riley’s strong resemblance to Shrek
29. Eli’s secret in his room -He has a padlocked door to his room. No one knows what’s in it, but the writer’s keep inferring it is the body of his ex-girlfriend. Frumpy breaks in and sees his wicked secret: HE IS A HOARDER!!!!!
28. Sav’s song for Enya -I swear. This comes up waaaay too often. I guess the guy who wrote it for the show was so proud of it that he frequently holds a gun to the director’s head and says, “I think this episode needs some more of the Enya song....DONT YOU?!”
27. Billy Ray Cyrus as a limo driver -Also, he wore a tuxedo t-shirt to show that he was keeping it formal....but he was still there to party.
26. The fact that they got Jay and Silent Bob to do an episode
25. Craig on coke
24. Peter Stone on coke
23. Jenna pooping herself -She was on the top of the pyramid at cheerleading practice, and her diet pills didn’t agree with her. The rest is history.
22. “Chuck Palihaniuk’s characters are as dark and twisted as his prose!!!!”-Eli-My only explanation for this absurdity is that an underling writer was told “We need to make an allusion to that Fight Club guy. Anybody know anything about him? uh.....google Chuck Paliwhatever and hit the ‘I’m feeling lucky’ button. Dark prose? Characters? Works for me!”
21. Drew looking like beloved Red Sox centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury
20. “You know whats great? Making out”-A drunken Toby to JT.....moments before JT gets stabbed and dies.
19. The pot brownie episode that somehow turned into a PSA on how weed could kill someone.
18. Fiona looking like the evil Taylor Swift in the “You Belong with Me” music video
17. (3 way tie) JT trying to figure out how to use a penis pump/ JT getting laid/ JT having a child
16. Connor almost being abducted by a fat woman -Conor is autistic and looks like a cross between Cookie on Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide and that Muppet Sam the Eagle. He meets a girl on World of Warcraft. Turns out she looks like an Orucai from the Lord of the Rings, is 45, and tries to steal him.
15. “Excuse me, Principal......what is ‘sexting’?”-Mr. Bendarhi -More famous for his role as the Fiber One guy. Imagine this quote in the thick Indian accent of the game show host from Slumdog Millionaire.
14. Peter Long meeting Sean-This is the stuff of legend. Our friend/sibling Peter Long was once on the NYC subway. Standing room only. He turns his head to the right, drawn by some other worldly sixth sense. There he is. Sean from Degrassi. They had a 45-second conversation. He was a nice guy. The greatest moment of his young life.
13. A pita maker burning down the Dot
12. Holly J’s fat Asian boss at Little Miss Steaks -What about this sentence isn’t funny? And yes, he has a moustache AND a tightly fitting cowboy hat.
11. The commercial where Declan thought he raped Holly J -It didn’t really happen, but in the commercial for the episode, they blew it so much out of proportion that Peter Long had to help me pick my jaw up from off the ground. Things turned black and white, and I’m pretty sure Declan was in a momentary slow motion at some point. “What do you mean? Of course it was consensual..............wait...............define consensual........” Rediculous.
10. “I think you have ‘roid rage, man....I googled it!”-Peter Stone
9. Dave tazering Wes....then getting tickled -Dave stole a tazer from his dad’s police car to impress the cool kids. Then, he tazered Wes to look even cooler. This was pretty funny, but not as good as when Dave found out he could only earn Wes’s forgiveness by letting himself be tazed. Dave shuts his eyes and braces himself for the tazing.....then Wes just tickles him in a scene that ranks between the volleyball scene in Top Gun and the training scene with Apollo Creed in Rocky III on the list of “least masculine things ever filmed.”
8. The province of Regina sounding ALOT like vagina -Oh Canada!
7. The first episode I ever watched. -Craig was high on crack and was attending the gay wedding of his girlfriend’s dad. He fell on all of the presents and broke a table. The moment where I lost my Degrassi cherry was everything I could have dreamed.
6. Shontay’s last name being “Black”-Degrassi finally gets a token black character with Shontay. She is sassy, stereotypical, and an all out racist portrayal. It gets worse. She does something that requires her first and last name to be put on a poster, the camera zooms into her name, and her last name....”Black”. The writers were working over time on that one.
5. Marco’s dream man turning out to be a male prostitute for a politician
4. Twincest -The sexual tension between twins Declan and Fiona finally erupts in a drunken kiss. Yet the funniest part is when the newspaper tabloids post a picture of it with the headline “Twincest.” Brian Long had been calling this moment for two seasons. This was the greatest moment of his young life.
3. The dildo episode -I can’t do this justice, but one of my favorite moments was when Frumpy’s purse starts vibrating in class, and the teacher thinks its her phone. He reaches in, pulls it out, and had a reaction shot that was the background on my phone for a month.
2. The zoom in shot on a young Holly J’s To Do list: Get purple scrunchies Learn new cheer LOSE VIRGINITY
1. Creepy Coach -Hands down the best moment in the show’s history. Okay here we go. KC is a tall, sad Justin Bieber (in the words of Peter Long). He decides to play basketball. He sucks, but soon the cool new coach helps him get better. He becomes the team’s star. The night before the championship game, KC tries to get laid. The loving coach says he can use his hotel room. KC and his wench go to the room....BUT THE COACH COMES IN. The dame runs away, leaving KC with the coach. Coach opens some beer, takes his shirt off, calls a 45-year old prostitiute, then orders porn. THIS IS REAL. The next day, KC tells the coach he is worried about the game. The coach responds by saying “whenever I’m worried, I like to remind myself I’m in control,” he then gives KC A GUN FROM THE GLOVE BOX. One of the things that increased my funniness factor was that the coach was a direct look alike to my Bulgarian boss at the time. Truly The Shawshank Redemption of Degrassi episodes.
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