By Spence Blazak Brian Wilson of the San Francisco Giants might be the best closing pitcher in the game, and he also might be the funniest comedian alive. I'm not exaggerating, this man might be better than Azisz Ansari, Zach Galifianakis, and Seth Rogen. His stages include press conferences, cutaway shots to him in the dugout, and interviews with the likes of George Lopez. He is like David Blane "The Street Magician," he takes his comedy to the streets, BLOWS MINDS, and nobody knows what hit them because he is so subversive. Andy Kaufman was the trailblazer of this type of comedy, and once in a blue moon someone come along who has the potential to be knighted as "The Next Andy Kaufman". Don't worry, all will soon be explained. I'll show who Kaufman was, what he did, what it takes to be him, those who failed, and why there is no doubt in my mind that Wilson is continuing this legacy of Real World Comedy.
The late Andy Kaufman is most famous nowadays for being portrayed by Jim Carey in Kaufman's biopic Man on the Moon. Basically, Kaufman's philosophy on comedy was that the world was his stage, and if you missed the joke or took him seriously, you were missing out. Anti-comedy was more or less his idea. He didn't stop or slow down for anybody who "didn't get it". In many ways, it was a brilliant way to live a life, marching to the beat of your own marimba, not giving two shits if people didn't like you, and it all being worth it for those who did.
I think it would be best to describe his unique brand of comedy by giving examples of his material. A classic Kaufman moment was when he would do impressions while performing as his Foreign Man character. He would say "Allo, I'm going to do imprezzion of de Prezident of United Statez, Mistah Cartah." After a beat, he would say in the same voice, "Allo, I'm de Prezident of the United Statez, Mistah Cartah." He would do about 5 more of these impressions, and once the crowd started to grow angry, he would say "Now I'll do Mistah Evis Prezzley," and he would do an impression that the real Elvis said was the all time best.
Other antics include when he went to a college and read the first chapter of The Great Gatsby instead of any real jokes, then asked the crowd if he should continue or play them the record he brought. When the crowd asked for the latter, Kaufman would oblige them.....which was a recording of him reading the entire rest of the book. He patiently sat on a stool until the next morning when it finished. Another time, Kaufman had a feud with pro wrestler Jerry "The King" Lawler. He constantly insulted and mocked him publicly, because Lawler didn't approve of Andy's most recent act where he wrestled women. Then the two were brought onto Letterman, Andy insulted the King, and promptly had the shit beaten out of him. Andy broke his neck and had a brace for an extended period of time. 10 years after Kaufman's death, Lawler revealed that they staged it all and were very good friends. It is even speculated that Kaufman has faked his own death, and that this is his greatest/oddest prank of all.
To be a Kaufman, you can never break character, leave any hints to show people that you aren't just crazy, and not be just crazy. Bart Scott, Stephen Colbert, and Joaquin Phoenix are all recent candidates who failed at being the next Kaufman. The first was just crazy, the second broke character in interviews, and the third was too ridiculous and admitted it was a hoax 4 seconds after his prank of growing a beard and starting a rap career.
Wilson's Kaufman-esque pranks are priceless. I was skeptical for awhile whether he was nuts or actually a brilliant force in comedy, but he has proved the latter. My first exposure to him was during an interview. He listed 5 things you should know about him: he learned in a dream that he is a ninja, his IQ is over 180, he enjoys Cholua hot sauce, he is a fan of the 80's, and he was born in Massachusetts. He then explains that all of these things have been "certified'. I was confused at first. I immediately didn't like him. Who the hell says they are a genius? Pretentious pricks, thats who.
Then the Giants made it to the World Series. In an interview after they won the NLCS, a reporter told Wilson that his friend C.J.WIlson said that the Rangers were waiting for him in Arlington. Wilson responded with "Sounds delicious." That was when my "next Kaufman" radar went off. The funniest sports phrase since "PLAYOFFS?!?!?!", "talking bout practice, NOT A GAME!", and "CAN'T WAIT!" Sometimes he even goes into public dressed as Thor doing this. Alright, not really, I just wanted to use the clip
Wilson's trademark is his massive "pirate" beard which he began growing on a 12 day away game stint saying, "I didn't feel like shaving. Thats it." Then the legend began. His hair is light brown, but his beard is jet black. When accused of dying it, Wilson cooly says, "Thats ridiculous. Its tan from being in the sun so much." For a chunk of last season, Wilson painted his cleats orange. Umps fought with him over it, until finally Commissioner Selig said that they were a distraction to batters and broke the team dress code. When Wilson hung up the contraband cleats, he said "Yeah. I got in trouble for having too much awesome on my feet."
He also has a split personality he refers to as "The Machine" who pops up in the background in interviews at his home. He calls himself the moniker whenever he goes in to close a game out. Kaufman-esque for 2 reasons. 1. Albert Pujols's nickname is already "The Machine". 2. Kaufman also had a split personality named Tony Clifton whom was an irate, boozy lounge singer who insulted the crowd and forgot the words to songs.
We've established that Wilson is the next Kaufman, but now the question is why? I have a few theories.
When he was 12, his dad was diagnosed with cancer, and struggled for 5 years before passing on. Wilson always says in interviews that he had to become a man right away once his father became ill, and becoming a man meant focusing on baseball with pro like intensity from an early age. So he discovered himself by the time many players were just gaining that initial intensity. It has always seemed to me like the physical aspect of sports is a minor thing compared to the mental part of it.
Being able to deal with failure and the ability to not doubt yourself in a slump is what separates the corn from the cob, so to speak. This is where Wilson excels. He has confidence, but isn't cocky. He has 4 toxic pitches and a 100 MPH fastball. He knows he doesn't have anything to worry about, meaning his soul searching aspect of his career has long been completed. So what does he do now?
He amuses himself in whatever way he can to keep from going bored, and that is by putting on the character of "Brian Wilson". He has a Flash fast mind, a big IQ, and a weed whacker sharp wit, all of which contribute to his character. All of his teammates talk about how he eats and cracks offensive jokes in the dugout constantly, and many of them don't register until long after the players have hit the showers.
In conclusion, it looks like the usual athlete spends his time doing things like overcoming their neuroses and trying to reach their peak, but Wilson has finished with these trifling matters long ago, and now passes his hours by with a healthy dose of insanity, creating the funniest unconventional comedian since the big Kauf himself. Keep an eye out, my dear readers, for the next dose of absurdity that Wilson bestows upon the humble viewers of Sportscenter, and you will see a living legend in action.
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