If I Ran Deadliest Warrior

By: Brian Long

This week marks the return of Spike TV’s greatest creation since…actually this is really the only thing they’ve got going for them. I’m talking, of course, about Deadliest Warrior. For the uninitiated, Deadliest Warrior pits two famous groups of warriors or a specific warrior from history in a crazy, super, no-way fight. Episodes range from the brutally awesome Pirates vs. Knights to the equally awesome George Washington vs. Napoleon. Each side has experts who act as consults on either opponent’s weaponry and battle strategy which always dissolves into hilarious school yard bickering between each side over who is the best. On the show, the warriors are judged based on the weapons in their arsenal, but for my vision of Deadliest Warrior, I’ve decided to adjust how I judge each side based on the areas of expertise for these DEADLIEST of WARRIORS. Below is my dream team roster of Deadliest Warrior match-ups. If you disagree I’d be glad to explain why you’re wrong in the comments below.

Bonesaw vs. Randy “The Ram”

First up, we have a battle royale between two of cinema’s greatest fictional wrestlers. Bonesaw has the reputation of lasting just under “THREE MINUTES OF…PLAYTIIIIIIIIME” with our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man in the first Spider-Man film. Randy “The Ram” is the “broke down piece of meat” from Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler.

Special Moves

Randy “The Ram”: The Ram Jam, having tender moments with his daughter in an attempt at redemption, (SPOILER ALERT) literally fighting until he dies.

Bonesaw: Being “REEEEAAADDDYYYYY,” having scary women yell at his opponents, swinging golf clubs, getting kicked in the face by high school kids.

ADVANTAGE: Randy “The Ram”

Actor Portrayal

Randy “The Ram”: Played beautifully by Mickey Rourke in a double-whammy career comeback/Oscar nomination who was beaten by Sean Penn playing gay activist Harvey Milk in an over-the-top manner that made Paul Lynde impressions seem progressive.

Bonesaw: Randy. Macho. Man. Savage.

ADVANTAGE: Bonesaw

Theme Song

Randy “The Ram”: Bruce Springsteen’s The Wrestler : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-6DM6iWKKo

Bonesaw: This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG7jTAGliyY

ADVANTAGE: Bonesaw

WINNER: Bonesaw. He ends the match by choking out The Ram with a forty foot Slim Jim.

Arthur Miller vs. William Shakespeare

Without question, Shakespeare and Miller are two of the greatest playwrights in the history of theater. People will be performing their plays until we become either creatures of ethereal gas or too fat to function without the assistance of robot butlers.

Appeal to the Masses

Miller: Appealed to the masses through compelling stories of everyman characters struggling against to achieve that ever elusive American dream.

Shakespeare: Appealed to the masses with sex and boner jokes.

ADVANTAGE: Shakespeare

Personal Life

Shakespeare: Married a woman he barely tolerated and left her his “second best bed” in his will when he died. True story, y’all.

Miller: Married MARILYN FREAKIN’ MONROE

ADVANTAGE: Miller

Modern Legacy

Miller: His plays have a timeless theme that speaks to every era’s struggles to find happiness and wealth in any time period since their original writing. He continues to bore high school students everywhere.

Shakespeare: You can literally put his play in any time period in any country and it’ll work. Feudal Japan King Lear? Done. Gangland Chicago Hamlet? Check. Werewolf and Vampire Romeo and Juliet? Give it a week. He continues to bore high school students everywhere.

ADVANTAGE: Shakespeare

WINNER: William Shakespeare. Fight ends when Shakespeare coughs on Arthur Miller exposing him to the thousands of diseases that people carried in the Elizabethan era

John Lennon vs. Andy Warhol

Claim to fame

Lennon: Songwriter, political activist, and founding member of an obscure 60’s band called THE BEATLES.

Warhol: A poster boy of pop art, Warhol was an influential avant-garde artist who made even the most mundane objects into pieces of art. Your cool aunt has a duplicate of one of his works in her kitchen.

ADVANTAGE: Lennon

Most Pretentious Thing I Can Say About Them

Lennon: “What I think Imagine means is that God is what we ‘imagined’ because he imagined US.”

Warhol: “It’s almost as if Warhol was embracing the over-saturation of consumerism to show us that art can be found everywhere.”

ADVANTAGE: Lennon

Artsy-fartsiest Thing They Ever Did

Lennon: The Bed-In. A peace protest where Lennon and Yoko Ono…stayed in bed. This made Nixon angry.

Warhol: A film called Empire released in 1964 which features a static shot of the Empire State Building for the entire duration of the film. The film’s total run time: EIGHT. HOURS.

ADVANTAGE: Warhol

WINNER: John Lennon. Fight ends with when Lennon turns into a walrus and punctures one of Warhol’s lungs with one of his tusks. Proving what people have suspected for years: John Lennon was an Animorph.

The Old Man from Pawn Stars vs. Larry King

These two men may be the most recognizable and geriatric T.V. personalities since Golden Girls went off the air. These two guys make Methusala look like Justin Beiber. Tip your waitress. Who is the oldest of the old?

Appearance

Old Man: Looks like a shaved teddy bear.

Larry King: Well-dressed mummy.

ADVANTAGE: Larry King

Lack of Spryness

Old Man: Shows nothing that can be medically classified as a “sign of life” unless Chumlee breaks something or if Rick buys a helicopter, or submarine, or helicopter-submarine hybrid.

Larry King: Has been married more times than an eligible Mormon bachelor (BOOM. Try the fish!) and still tours the country doing a stand-up act.

ADVANTAGE: Old Man

Namesake

Old Man: Literally named “The Old Man.” It may actually be his legal Christian name.

Larry King: Larry King may not seem like an old person’s name until you realize his last name is “King” because he is a part of an ancient race of Atlantean immortal kings.

ADVANTAGE: Tie

WINNER: Draw. The match is called no-contest because halfway through the fight Larry and The Old Man stop to talk about how awful everything is now and how when they were younger everything was better. EVERYTHING.

Stay tuned for Part 2