SWEAR TO MEEEE!
By Brian Long
Day 3
Aw, our poor little Claire-bear is so love sick and alone, but thankfully that new kid Jake likes to do plumbing with no shirt on. He's like a single middle-aged aunt's hunk calendar come to life. But unfortunately he's going on a date with She-J.Jonah Jameson. Probably because he's the only one who can get all those great pictures of Spider-Man (how suspicious...). Claire is pretty upset that her mom has been dating other guys and that she apparently threw herself a divorce party which sounds off-da CHAIN!
Jacoby is having a hard time dealing with his paranoia about "gang retribution" and KC-being-awful-enabler Aerosol Can certainly isn't helping when she decribes how scared she'd be in his position: -“Really? 'Cause cause if I was you, I’d be like peeing myself all the time. Just liquid fear would be flowing out of my body constantly.” You know how to pick 'em KC. Adam is pretty worried about his brother, you can tell because he "Googled sudden rage" and something totally bad showed up probably. Side note: Sudden Rage was the name of my Black Metal band in high school. Things get out of control when Jacoby almost kills three people via dodgeball during an after school game and then goes Batman on Cop-Dad by grabbing him by the collar and shouting "WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!? WHO'S AFTER ME?!?" before storming out of the gym. Once again, a Degrassi High event is ruined by someone dramatically storming out. This school sucks.
Meanwhile, Claire is having crazy sexy hot pants dreams about Jake where everyone in the background holds giant lollipops. Can we get Dr. Freud on the phone please? But Jake and Claire decide to just keep things "casual." All we need now is a "That 70's Show" alumni to show up and we can have a delight Friends With Benefits/No Strings Attached romp!
Day 4
Since Jacoby's storyline is starting to turn into an adaption of that one chapter of "The Things They Carried" you know the one, not the tongue necklace one, the other one with the guy who drives around the lake...it's depressing, okay? Anyway, because Jacoby is being a paranoid spaz, Momzilla decides to go with plan B to solving problems which is move away-plan A is yell and scream until Principal Simpson wets himself and caves. Adam is upset because he's finally found friends. He's right, but at least Jacoby isn't doing coke, unlike some accidental gangster murders I could mention...Fiona, I'm looking in your direction.
Claire tells her mom that she's not freaked out by her dating because she understands her mother has "biological needs." I'm pretty sure Claire is an alumni of the Vulcan Science Academy. But she's toats bragging to Ali about how much fun she has with Jake and how easy he is to talk to and...wait, haven't they known each other for a day? Claire's finds her mom's divorce papers-because who doesn't just leave important legal documents out on the kitchen table?- and finds out that her dad was totally Don Drapering her mom. We get a dramatic parallel to her current relationship with Jake, star swipe, and we're on to the next scene.
So Dave decides to step out on Nacho Girl with Ali (whenever I look at Nacho Girl all I can think is "her?"). Nacho Girl finds out and public dumps him at movie night which causes the fickle crowds of Degrassi to quickly turn against him. But Ali's got no standards so they're back together.
Meanwhile, at movie night, Claire gets set up with the new bohemian trash of the week: Liam. Liam drops gems like "Ali tells me you're a fan of British New Wave" and "you watch at him like I watch rock documentaries." Sweet Lord. Can we get this kid and Eli to have a contest to see which one has their head further up their ass? But of course Claire and Jake make up AND MAKE OUT!
Finally, we have Jacoby Ellsubry deciding to stay even though "being scared sucks, a-bloo bloo bloo." So he goes to movie night with a girl who's got a weird mouth. It looks like someone cut a slit into a tennis ball and is making it talk. But thankfully he discovers Degrassi's best kept secret. It's underground Ultimate Fighting OF COURSE! Jacoby is now like a little kid at Christmas who just got a box full of kicks, punches, and grapple locks. Things can only get better from here.
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