The Meaning of Life: How Shark Week and Mob Week Helped Me Find Redemption

by Spence Blazak

Things come, things go. Infatuation and love turns to divorce and alimony. Real world equations begin to pop up, such as "sunny beach volleyball+4 decades=melanoma with a precipitate of a flat beach ball". And weeks seamlessly melt into other weeks. More specifically Shark Weeks and Mob Weeks turn into inconsequential second weeks of August. This is where we are now.

To paraphrase the narrator of that movie I didn't really like, 500 Days of Summer, many days in a life are inconsequential. Nothing much happens. It begins. It ends. But on this day, Spence knew that something special was about to occur. Substitute "weeks" for "days" and you've captured my philosophy on the first 7 months of 2011.

A bunch of boring and completely useless events, Taylor Swift concert, a few more weeks of abyss THEN........the week. No. Not just the week, THE week. The week to end all weeks. The alpha and the omega. The Beatles of weeks. Imagine if Woodstock was embodied in a week......I think you have an idea which week it would be. Okay, I think you've got it now.

On the first day, God made Shark Week. It takes a lot of heat (initially from me) for being the same four programs shown over and over again, also for being basically the same program every year, but oh no, my friends. It is so much more. I've never been hyperbolic before, and I'm not being it now when I say that Shark Week helped teach me the meaning of life. Little did I know last week that I would find myself through a blubbery seal.

Every Shark Week program discusses sharks eating things, which is no secret, but this year I looked at it from another perspective, that of the seal. The seal finds itself in a very awkward position:The second tier of the food chain. This means that it is a hunter, so it must venture from its fantasy island home to find kippers to bring its family for brunch and lupper, but it will never be safe. Its lot in life requires it to do a job that it will almost certainly die while doing. Mother Nature is a real bitch. Yet, the seal doesn't fret. It doesn't sit in its cave, listen to My Chemical Romance music, and cut its flippers. Nay. It stares danger down, and laughs at it. Nature doesn't give the seal the right to do this, THE SEAL gives the seal the right to do this. I envy the seal. I think we all should.

Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national animal, Philadelphia first baseman Ryan Howard wanted the Philly Phanatic, but my vote is for the seal. As soon as I get my papers together and Spencerberg becomes a full fledged UN member, I think you know what slick animal will be on the flag underneath the wookiee on fire.

Now for Mob Week. For those in the dark, it was a marathon of all the best mafia movies on AMC. I didn't even get to the good part. Political hack Rudy Giuliani was the host. The Godfather trilogy, Goodfellas, Scarface, Pulp Fiction, Carlito's Way and Donnie Brasco are all given an odd introduction and commercial time banter by the ex-Mayor of the Big Apple himself. Much like Shark Week, you mustn't focus on Al Pacino, but instead on the seal (Moody Rudy).

Much like the seal, Rudy has nature rooting against him. No one wants to hear what he has to say. His almost perennial failed bid at the GOP Presidential ticket is as predictable as your average episode of Mike and Molly. BOOM GOTTEM. He was a mediocre mayor who happened to have good things happen during his term. People have just begun to realize he wasn't actually responsible for the decrease in the crime rate or the World Series rings. And despite his has-been self, he doesn't let it discourage him from blurting out his opinion anyway.

Literally every living human who has seen it likes The Godfather at least a little bit, and yet Rudy has weaseled his way into a primetime spot to tell you why his liking of it matters. In an odd, odd way, its quite brilliant. Its something to be admired. The ability to not give a damn what people think. Its just like the ability to not give a damn what sharks think. I think we've learned a lot here. Not as much as from Mr. Seal, but being able to watch Pulp Fiction 4 nights in a row makes up for it.

I can safely say that after this fateful week, I, Spence Blazak, am at peace. I feel like I've just won a Grammy. Or even a VMA award. I feel.......like a seal.