By Spence Blazak
DAY 1
Conversation continued from before in Mr. Recedinghairline's class. And Jenna is starting to look more and more like an albino with each passing minute. By the natural progression of things, she will look like this by Wednesday's episode.
The science teacher whose only purpose so far in the series was to express his interest in Tron to Dave makes a resurgence….along with the hipster douche bag from movie night who loves Oasis! They are pulling characters out of the woodwork tonight! I can only hope that this means they will bring bag Fiona's pet pig…
Imogen: "Wanna work on this health assignment for gym?"
Bianca: "Nah. Can't. I have to bang some doood"
Imogen: "Oh….yeah……me….too…."
They are doomed to be best friends.
Wes's lady friend has hair like Aslan, king of the lions. Now she is walking home with hipster kid, and Wes is distraught. She reassures him by calling him "her number 1 neutron bomb." Wes, is then carried home on the backs of a dozen cartoon birds, while dancing to the Hall and Oates classic "You Make My Dreams Come True".
Dave proves that kids everywhere really are the same when he sends his transgender buddy into the drugstore to buy condoms for him. Dave, Dave, Dave. Everyone knows the three rites of passage to becoming a man are as follows: shaving for the first time, drinking your first White Russian, and having that awkward condom buying experience in a crappy drug store you've never actually been in where you just went because you didn't think you'd see anyone you knew, you spend 5 minutes trying to figure out what the hell the difference is between them all, and the cashier guy rings you up and says something sounding like"have fun." You're just putting off the inevitable, Young Dave.
Oh man, Bianca is still doing errands for gang banger man! SHE STILL LOVES JACOBY!!!!!!!!!
Dave awkwardly throws the condoms onto the table in front of Alli. She snubs him, tells him she is going to a Science thing all summer, AND BREAKS HIS HEART. Run, Dave! You run and never look back!
Alli can count cards and starts beating people at poker. She is Rain Man. Woof. And how in the hell did they get the rights to "Poker Face" to play for her montage? The producers must have drugged Lady Gaga and asked her under their breath.
The episode is leveling out. All I've learned is that Alli is the only person in the last 5 years to use a message board.
DAY 2
Alli is pretending to be sick so she can go bet her life savings on poker. I can't wait to see how this explodes in her face. She pretends to be sick and her acting is eerily similar to Derek Zoolander's when he says "I think I've got the black lung, Pop," after spending a day in a coal mine. Maybe this week, we will finally settle on who is the worst human being ever, Ali or KC
"You're uncle's car doesn't suit you"-Aslan girl
"What suits me?"-Wes
"Something…….FASTER!"-Aslan girl
Everything Aslan girl says is a double entendre dig at Wes's virility.
Ali shows up at the poker match with a montage just like Alan in The Hangover. Or the Across the Universe guy in 21. Ya know. Pop song you've never heard before that just screams "Gambling! Yeehaw!"
"WHERE YOU BEEN!?!?!?! SCHOOOOOL!!!!????"-Gang banger
"STOP MAKING FUN OF MEEEEEE!"-Bianca
Good grief. This is like the beginning of a 90's Scruff McGruff ad. Aaaaaand it is followed up by a healthy dose of domestic violence.
"Hey Alli, did you like the soup I gave you?"-Dave
"…….yes……."-Alli
"What'd you like about it?"-Dave
"…..the chicken……."-Alli
"WRONGWRONGWRONG! YOU LIAR! IT WAS PASTA FAZOOL WITH A DASH OF TERRIYAKI, MUSHROOMS, BLUE CORN FAJITA CHIP SHREDS, WITH HUMMUS CRACKERS ON THE SIDE!!!! WHERE WERE YOU!!!!!!"
Nothing gets past Sherlock Dave!
Look at poor Wes, having to decide between stealing his uncle's car and getting 2-second kisses from his red headed Aphrodite. A real life Sophie's Choice.
Alli sits down with Jenna at lunch. Principal Simpson comes up and says "Oh hey Alli! I just pulled this scholarship money out of my ass for you! Here ya go!" Alli responds "Oh man! I have SOOOoOOOO much money it isn't even FAIR!" She has had way too many lines like this. The general rule for tv characters who come into money is that with every cocky line they have, the brutality of the way they will lose the money goes up another step. Right now, Alli is at a "Being kidnapped and robbed blind by Canadian pirates" level.
Wes got pulled over. He has no license. Everyone yells at him. Even the scary female cop. He walks away like this.
Gangbanger guy has a dew rag on now, that means its business time. And Bianca can't resist him! They share their first on screen kiss right after their first on screen slap! Awwwwww! It reminds me of my first kiss....which is oddly enough captured on Youtube for your viewing pleasure! (skip to 3:40).
Alli loses all of her money at poker and tries to bet her scholarship money. Ah its about time.
All things are made right between Bianca and Imogen by a gift that the Romans called "The Great Equalizer": Red Lingerie. It could right any wrong. 100 stolen dollars, murder, you name it!
Alli wins back her money in the poker game. Theeeeeen spells out exactly how she counted the cards to win it all. Its like when Goldfinger monologues his entire plan for world domination to James Bond, who inevitably escapes, and we all know how that ended.....
Wes wins the science competition, wins his Amazon woman's heart, and gets the ultimate prize of having her ride the bus home with him. True love. Ah. Reminds me of my first kiss, which is documented on youtube oddly enough…..(skip to :08)
Dave breaks up with Alli.
THE. END.
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