How to Master America's Dirtiest Job: Movie Trailer Making

By Spence Blazak

Movie trailers: simultaneously the bane and the joy of my meager existence. People get paid millions of dollars to destroy movies, put them into a blender, and somehow make you want to see them. Their job is thankless. If they do a great job, what do they get? A pat on the back and a Golden Trailer award. Yeah. Its a real thing. And about as prestigious as the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss. The good news for us is that they have their job down to an art. I think I speak for all movie goers when I say that trailers have become a sarcastically beautiful and enjoyable experience for these following reasons:

-Less is more

Let me break the fourth wall for a second. This is the only serious reason I will give…..forgive me. A trailer maker has two possible options for roads to travel down to arrive at a good trailer. If he wants a seriously good one, he just has to keep it simple. Leave them wanting more is the golden rule of standup comedy, snogging, and trailering. A perfect example of this is The Social Network . It doesn't give anything away, it has a great song, and then it ends. Its Citizen Kane meets Facebook, which is all you really need to know. A delightful trailer all around. The other path that a trailer can take to be good is to use add in a few of these next four steps, resulting in a masterpiece for hecklers like myself.

-That cool badass part

This can be seen in nearly every summer blockbuster movie. There is some steamy dialogue between the two leads, a dramatic line or two from the ridiculous villain, then a montage of kind of cool action sequences UNTIL…..the part. You know what it is. The shots are all very short then one that is longer comes on. The music usually sounds like "CH-CH-WUMP" 6x. Some of my favorites that I can remember are:

Clash of the Titans

Matrix Reloaded: 1:07

Rise of the Planet of the Apes 1:41

Kung Fu Panda

-Ruining all the funny parts of movies

Most fans of comedies know that most comedies aren't funny. This trick that trailermakers have is on the same level of villainy as giving teenagers heroin for free their first time, then charging them a markup once they get addicted. No. Its even worse than that. I have one example for this and one only. Epic Movie. The only example that is needed. At the time of its release, I was young, naive, and thought Scary Movie 3 was a funny movie. This was one of the darkest times in my life. The trailer had me laughing, it had actors I liked, a few of the Scary Movie writers, and I liked going to movies as often as I could no matter what was showing. I don't remember much after I got to theater, because I went into a comatose like state after the fourth joke about the Olsen twins. I've never seen a worse movie. Props to the trailer man for that one though. Finding anything funny in that movie was a Herculean task. I won't give you a link to this trailer because I care about your mental well being. You're welcome.

-A line that is randomly yelled

"OH MAN! THAT MOVIE LOOKS SSSSSO GNARLY! *repetition of the bas ass quote from the trailer*" This is not an uncommon bit of dialogue from the mouth of a bro after he has seen a good trailer that has mastered "the yell". It is very similar to "that one really bad ass part" which was discussed a few paragraphs ago. Trailer dialogue is simple. It is meant to keep a flat line for the majority of a preview before it escalates to a level that will grab you with a hook. Sometimes, the hook will be a line revealing a surprise semi-twist to the plot. Those suck. The BEST kind of hook is an irrelevant line that is suddenly shouted, often getting the effect of a frightened/flabbergasted/sold audience.

How Do You Know?- Can't find the clip, so I'll do you one better….describing it. Paul Rudd calls Jack Nicholson and says "Dad, I think I'm in love!" Jacko responds with a quick "Oh good……THERE IS A GOD!" His voice is so outlandish that it sounds like he is doing an impression of himself.

Leon the Professional 1:45

Robin Hood 2:03 (Can't get a shot of the guy yelling it, but the line is still hilarious)

300

Thor

The Notebook 1:44

-Matt Damon

21st century America's best pretty boy-generic movie star (backhanded compliment of the week). I'll level with you, Matt Damon is a guilty pleasure of mine. For awhile, I was convinced that I was the only person keeping him a movie star. I won't reveal the shocking statistic of how many of the last ten Matt Damon movies I've seen in theaters. Alright you've got me….nine. I used to not know what it was about him that I liked because I fully realize that Paul Giamatti is the real best leading man in Hollywood (I will defend my case in a future article), but then I watched the trailer for Hereafter and realized what it was: his delivery. In every Matt Damon trailer known to man, there is a part where he goes from being chill TO AN OVER EXAGGERATED EMOTION. Sometimes it is a line of dialogue, sometimes it is him yelling at a child, sometimes its a silly accent, and sometimes its all three! I'll give you some of the best examples I can think of. If you only go to one group of links in this whole article, make sure its these.

Hereafter 1:05: I can't find the other trailer where they use another shot where he yells the line and looks like he is going to hit the kid.....but trust me, he does

Adjustment Bureau 2:01

The Fighter: 1:59-Yeah, I know its Mark Wahlberg, but he is the honorary Matt Damon, so I'll count this one

True Grit 1:12

The Departed: I couldn't find it in the trailer, but it damn well should have been. An hour into the movie, the police force is discussing a murder victim. Cut to Matt Damon, who says "What was his name, *zooms into face* the departed?"

Contagion:53:THE BEST ONE

The Long, Timey-Wimey History of River Song

By Brian Long

The classic sci-fi TV series Doctor Who has long been a stable of British culture (special shout-out to our UK Wookiee Wednesday fans are, I believe, appropriate at this moment) and it has finally gained true notoriety and fandom here in the States. One of the major mysteries at the heart of this season is the enigmatic River Song. A character who could just as soon kill our hero the Doctor as she could kiss him. The following article contains some MAJOR SPOILERS for this season and past episodes of Doctor Who, so if you haven't seen the show yet then not only should you not be reading this article, but you should be watching it right now. The first five seasons of the new series are on Netflix. Don't let the nearly 50 years of continuity scare you, start with the new stuff and you'll be alright.

Now, let's start with what we know: River's true name is Melody Pond, she is part Time Lord, she has been held by a mysterious organization led by a woman named Madame Kovarian since she was young and she is the daughter of the Doctor's current companions Rory and Amy. And honestly, that's about it. We know she is in prison for killing, as she puts it, killing "a good man" who may or may not be the Doctor himself. Although the latest episode Let's Kill Hitler seems to suggest she is the one who does our dear Doctor in. Part of what makes this character so interesting, and confusing, is the random order in which she meets the Doctor. Her first appearance in the two-parter Silence in the Library/Forest of the Damned featured her death and since then we've been working our way backwards through her life. Being Wookiee Wednesday's resident Whovian, I have made this handy timeline of events that we've seen of River's life in chronological order. Well, chronological for her, anyway.

4037-Melody Pond is born. After being taken by Madame Kovarian, she is shipped off to be raised in the crazy scary orphanage seen in The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon. (A Good Man Goes to War)

1969-Melody Pond is discovered by Team TARDIS (the Doctor, River Song, Amy, and Rory) in the worst orphanage ever. Unfortunately, she is decked out in the same space suit that was seen killing the future version of the doctor earlier in the episode so she is promptly shot by her mother. (The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon)

1970-Flash forward a few months to Melody Pond’s first regeneration into “Mels.” (Day of the Moon)

1996-2011-Mels (somehow) winds up in Leadworth with the younger versions of Amy and Rory. She grows up with one of them as a fellow student and, in a play right out of the Marty McFly handbook of time travel, gets her future parents to FINALLY realize their feelings for one another and fall in love.(Let’s Kill Hitler)

1938-After hijacking the TARDIS with the plan to assassinate Hitler, Mels is hit by a stray bullet and regenerates into the River we all know and love, officially meeting the Doctor for the very first time. (Let’s Kill Hitler)

5123- The Doctor leaves River in a hospital with the hopes of hiding her from Madame Kavorian and any other forces that may try to use her. Shortly after, River enrolls in the Luna University and we learn how River got her start in archeology. (Let’s Kill Hitler)

4037- River is now in prison for killing, as far as we know, the Doctor. This one is a bit trickier to place since we don't get any strong clues as to where the Doctor and River are at in their relationship, but this is undoubtedly the youngest we've seen River in the Stormcage Holding Facility. At the beginning of A Good Man Goes to War Rory tries to recruit River to save his daughter, who he doesn't know is actually River herself yet (ugh, my head). River is breaking back into her cell after spending her birthday with the Doctor which suggests to me that their relationship has gotten more serious, but not close to its "ending" yet where the Doctor doesn't know River as well. This is one of the few moments where they were experiencing an event simultaneously. River shows up again after the Battle of Demons Run has ended to reveal who she truly is to Amy, the Doctor, and Rory. (A Good Man Goes to War)

1969- Things begin to overlap as we loop back around to 1969 as River, now older, joins Amy and Rory at the shore of Lake Silencio to see the Doctor get killed by the mysterious “impossible astronaut.” We know this episode comes before any of the other events featuring River because this marks the first time the Doctor and River have actually kissed. So far, the Doctor and River have been meeting in reverse order so the Doctor’s first kiss with River would be her last with him. (The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon)

5145- River, still in prison, receives a phone call from Winston Churchill and breaks out of the Stormcage to steal Vincent Van Gogh’s “The Pandorica Opens” painting from the royal collection. I’m going to pause for a moment because that may be the craziest sentence I have ever typed. (The Pandorica Opens)

102 BC-With the painting in hand, River travels to the year 102 and hangs around with a camp of Roman soldiers while posing as Cleopatra. When the Doctor arrives, they seek out the greatest prison known to man: the Pandorica. River and the Doctor realize that the latter’s greatest enemies are interested in the prison as well, so River heads off to the TARDIS in the hopes of finding equipment to assist the Doctor. Suddenly, the TARDIS begins flying on its own to…(The Pandorica Opens)

2010-…June 21^st, 2010. Specifically, the date of Amy and Rory’s wedding. River realizes that the Pandorica is a set-up and quickly bolts back to the TARDIS without realizing that it is booby trapped (The Pandorica Opens)

Alternate 1996- The Doctor is placed into the Pandorica by his enemies and all of reality begins to unravel. Thanks to some clever timey-wimey, wibbledy-wobbledy thinking, the Doctor escapes the prison and rescues River from the time lock failsafe the TARDIS has installed in case of an explosion. Those Time Lords think of everything. (The Big Bang)

2010- Back to the happy day of Amy and Rory’s wedding. The Doctor has closed the cracks in time (YEA!) but he has erased himself from existence in the process (…boo). Luckily, River is there to drop off a gift with her mother-to-be to help her bring the Doctor back to reality. (The Big Bang)

Unspecified 51^st century dates- River’s final adventures with the Doctor (but for us, her earliest) involved investigating the crash landing of the spaceship Byzantium and fighting with the Doctor through a herd of Weeping Angels.

Finally, we get River’s meeting with the 10^th incarnation of the Doctor in The Library. A planet sized collection of books and every bibliophile’s dream. Here we first discover that River has not only met the Doctor previously but she also posses her own Sonic Screwdriver and knows the Doctor’s true name. (The Time of the Angels/Flesh and Stone/Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead)

River’s sacrifice at the end of Forest of the Dead suggests that there is still a lot of her time with the Doctor that we have yet to see, but we will just have to wait until the end of the season, and probably the end of the 11^th Doctor’s run on the show to find out how it all comes together. We can’t peek ahead, after all. Spoilers.

Degrassi Week 6 Pt. 2: Mo Mashkour, Mo' Problems

By: Brian Long

This week we get the long awaited (by me anyway) She-J. Jonah Jameson (Katie) spotlight episode. In fact, she’s running for class president against mine and Spence’s new favorite character: MO THE FAT GUY! Apparently Aerosal Can and She-JJJ are best friends (they high five in the theme song! So much history!) and Aerosal is just skankin’ through Degrassi. Well, with Fiona out of the picture someone’s gotta pick up the hoochy slack, right? She explains how she’s got the hots for Drew, the village idiot. But as we saw last episode, he’s gonna follow She-JJJ around like the pathetic puppy dog he is; hijacks will undoubtedly ensue.

Eli is in therapy and watching a way too well filmed video of his school play. Ever seen a video of a school play? It’s always filmed from the back of the auditorium and the sound is just garbage. Canada is truly a magical place. Eli decides he needs to apologize to everybody he’s hurt and he plans to start with Fiona. He gives her a fake trophy that reads “best supporting actress” naturally she forgives him, because nothing says “I’m sorry” like a fake trophy you can get made for ten bucks at one of those little league stores. It also helps that Fiona is more material than a Michael’s Crafts Store

Meanwhile, in storyline 87, Ms. Oh just made Sav a mix CD which according to Mo “is this generation’s code for ‘let’s get it on.’” Does this guy write for Wookiee Wednesday? I don’t know if we can continue writing these columns if the characters are just going to make the jokes for us. In order to “help him out with his music” Ms. Oh sits in on Sav’s jam session. Apparently she has also written music before. Her song is all about forbidden love. She might as well have been singing “make-out with me Sav/Oh yeah/Let’s make out Sav/Like right now.” And then they make out.

Because She-JJJ is dating Drew, Merosal Can goes the route of most politicians and runs for class president purely out of spite. She spends the whole day campaigning saying things like: “The school needs a leader people can trust. Someone who would cause teenage parents to give up their baby for adoption. You know, someone with integrity.” That might be paraphrasing. More importantly we find out Mo’s full name: MO MASHCORE! THAT’S THE GREATEST NAME EVER! Merosal Can tells She-JJJ she hopes her “problem” doesn’t come up again. It’s obviously going to turn out to be an eating disorder, but since we’ve got about 15 minutes in this episode they’re going to keep calling it “the problem.” Oy.

Eli’s next person to apologize to is Jake. They’re in a class together Jake finally gets to fulfill his dream of building a full size model of a sweat lodge. Dreams do come true. Eli swindles his way into becoming his partner and Conveniently, Eli sees Claire and Jake fighting and decides to help Jake with his relationship problems. Also, he’s joining the rugby team. Good. Great. Good and great. What clubs doesn’t Degrassi have? They have rugby AND tae kwon doe!

During the presidential debate Merosal Can makes vague promises, and crowd servicing platitudes in her speech. So, she’ll probably win the election. Mo’s campaign promises: Bring back French fries, won’t make out with your boyfriend! MO! MO! MO! But the big twist comes from Merosal announcing to everyone that She-JJJ is bulimic which leads to Drew delivering the weirdest ending to an episode ever: “It’d be pathetic to have an eating disorder! And you’re so not pathetic so there’s no way you do! Now, anger problems, that’s something that’s totally not lame, because it involves punching people. HUGS!” It was the after school special equivalent of this.

What I learned from the second of these two episodes, is that Canadians have no tolerance for eating disorders. The entire school acts like She-JJJ just peed all over their favorite childhood toy.

Fiona poses the question to Eli: “Who should I vote for: the liar, the home wrecker, or this guy I’ve never seen before.” That pretty much sums up how I feel during every episode of Degrassi. Eli hatches a plan to force Jake and Claire to make up. Apparently, Jake’s mad at Claire because she…wants to go to a movie…that’s not his thing…well, that was lame. So Eli locks them both in the sweat lodge until they work things out. Wait. Trapped in the sweat lodge until they work things out? Now Degrassi is stealing plot points from the classic Native American sitcom “Who’s the Chief?”

Merosal feels bad for being a lying liar and almost as reprehensible as KC so she tells everyone before the election that she made the whole bulima thing up. Which is all well and good but She-JJJ wants MANDATORY SPORTS?!? What kind of fascist regime is this? Jesus. And of course She-JJJ wins the election. I was hoping she would split the vote with Merosal leading Mo F. Mashcore to victory. There’s always next season.

The Death of the One Eyed Magic Box

By Chris Hubbard

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that TV is boring. Wait, no that’s not quite right, allow me to correct myself. I’ve been watching a lot of Internet lately because TV is boring. I know right? Like saying “I was watching internet,” will catch on. But that’s the reality of the situation. I know it may be sad to think that attention spans are so short that even TV has become a grueling experience, but it has. In the course of about ten years the generation with the shortest attention span has actually revolutionized the definition of “short attention span.” In the past that meant you watch a lot of TV. Now it means that you spend a lot of time online. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks doing both at once and I have to say the experience was eye opening. Television has become an obsolete medium, and it’s possible that we see an end to it in the foreseeable future.

I mean, how could television compete with internet when I’ve been watching entire seasons of shows like How I Met Your Mother, The Office, The Venture Brothers, Spaced, and The IT Crowd in order and whenever I want to. That’s right, this amazing thing called the internet is apparently not only a great place to lose yourself in random nonsense, pay for things you don’t feel like going to the store and paying for, having your identity stolen, and talking to complete strangers you otherwise would have no reason to interact with, it’s also great for watching TV on. Better than the television could ever be.

Television used to be so cool; the thing to do on a Friday night when all your friends were being lame and your girlfriend, who was totally Canadian and that’s why no one ever saw her, was too busy playing hockey or insert Canadianism here to talk on the phone. Remember when it was all about waiting all week for that Thursday line up?

Well, that’s the best part about watching TV on the internet: EVERY night is Thursday night! There is no wait, no channel surfing, and best of all, no cost (other than the price of standard internet connection.) I literally finished BBC sitcom The IT Crowd, a show of some twenty-four episodes, in twelve hours. Sure, that’s not a recommended dosage, but if I were to wait for my old friend Television to watch those episodes, I still wouldn’t even know about the hilarious antics of Roy, Moss, and Jen, who have yet to air on any major American network. On a weekly, major network TV show, like How I Met Your Mother, it would have taken me six years to catch up (that’s not an approximation, I did the math… shut up.) Sure, I could have made it a point to watch reruns, whenever the hell they come on, but they’re never played in order. Buying a box set might be an option, for someone who has forty to sixty dollars to spend on a single season of a show they’ll probably watch once or twice. The last one of those I bought though was season one of Highlander (shut up, I like it!) and to my surprise, not only had I seen most of the episodes already, but I found them all posted on Hulu a few months later, along with the seasons 2-6 episodes. Internet saved me about $300. Which is of course the point. You can go online and watch everything in order, for one hundred percent less than the cost of a box set of DVDs, and without the hassle of having to be in the same room as a televison AND a DVD player.

Yesterday, I was stranded without a computer, and all of this came crashing down on me like a skyscraper full of fat people watching TV on their computers; watching TV has actually become boring. How pathetic is that? Whereas for as long as I can remember I’ve had any show I wanted to watch just a click (and maybe a quick commercial) away, I was actually stuck watching this giant box in the living room and getting no enjoyment out of it. There was nothing on, it was simple as that. The same old news on ESPN as always, the same soaps that make you wonder both “are they even trying?” and “how is there actually a demographic for this?” The NCIS/CSI/Law and Order (SVU or classic) orgy that’s on pretty much any channel that starts with “T.” For the first time in a long time I was trapped watching scheduled programming. Just typing it leaves a bad taste in my mouth somehow. If you start watching the television at 1 pm on a weekday, you have to wait about five hours before anything good/new comes on. If I had had old Oscar Awesomepants Quasimodo Spaceman Jr. (my laptop’s name,) I could have spent that five hours watching… well, anything I wanted to.

I mean, sure, TV is still vital for those people who like to watch new episodes of –oh wait, nope, if you wait an hour you will discover that it’s found it’s way online as well. Why pay for HBO? Because “it’s not TV, it’s HBO,” isn’t a very good argument anymore. Especially when you can find The Sopranos, Dexter, Game of Thrones, True Blood, or any other piece of premium paid television in a few short minutes on the Goggle search bar. I mean, I watched all of them online for free, why shouldn’t everyone?

What about live shows though, like the news? I mean, they can’t get posted online, and if they could who would want to watch yesterday’s news? It’s called live streaming, people, and not only is it more than possible, it’s more than common. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched ESPN on the laptop. Now virtually any bar is a sports bar. Maybe having a laptop out in a bar isn’t the best idea, but hey, that’s your prerogative.

The point is, the times are changing, and television doesn’t seem to be changing with them. In the beginning of the twentieth century, motion pictures were the dominant force. Almost every person in America went the theater at least once a week. With the invention of television, the movie industry had to adapt to the changing market. Now people could watch shows whenever they wanted, in the comfort of their own home, by simply turning a dial. This is where 3D films came from, and this is also what inspired Widescreen and HD sound. Even in spite of these things the golden age of film is long since past, and now, in 2011, the golden age of television is also behind us. The internet not only offers the same programming that TV does and offer exclusive content as well, it is beginning to eclipse the Idiot Box once and for all. You can get away with paying for internet only and no TV, and you wouldn’t miss a single thing. If anything, you would miss less because there are no scheduling conflicts when you can click a link whenever you want. Now it’s TV’s turn to change or fade away, and there’s almost nothing it can do. I mean, honestly, who’s running out of buy a 3D Television? It’s a nice gimmick, but I hardly want to watch Matt Lauer doing The Today Show outside of the 2D cage where he belongs. If that’s not the answer, then what is? Short of actually becoming the internet (which would actually make both TV and the internet better, lets face it), I don’t see a solution, and unless there is one somewhere on the horizon, I can see the death of television as we know it coming within my lifetime.

Degrassi Week 6, Part 1: The Legend of the Girl Who Looks Like A Ginger Lion

By Spence Blazak

DAY 1

Alli drops the L-bomb in regards to Dave. Oh Alli. You're so naive. You don't know what love is. This, my Canadian-Indian acquaintance, is true love. Oh no! Alli is going to be at science camp this summer….LIKE A NERD!!!! I smell a simple problem that will somehow explode within the next 2 episodes!

Conversation continued from before in Mr. Recedinghairline's class. And Jenna is starting to look more and more like an albino with each passing minute. By the natural progression of things, she will look like this by Wednesday's episode.

The science teacher whose only purpose so far in the series was to express his interest in Tron to Dave makes a resurgence….along with the hipster douche bag from movie night who loves Oasis! They are pulling characters out of the woodwork tonight! I can only hope that this means they will bring bag Fiona's pet pig…

Imogen: "Wanna work on this health assignment for gym?"

Bianca: "Nah. Can't. I have to bang some doood"

Imogen: "Oh….yeah……me….too…."

They are doomed to be best friends.

Wes's lady friend has hair like Aslan, king of the lions. Now she is walking home with hipster kid, and Wes is distraught. She reassures him by calling him "her number 1 neutron bomb." Wes, is then carried home on the backs of a dozen cartoon birds, while dancing to the Hall and Oates classic "You Make My Dreams Come True".

Dave proves that kids everywhere really are the same when he sends his transgender buddy into the drugstore to buy condoms for him. Dave, Dave, Dave. Everyone knows the three rites of passage to becoming a man are as follows: shaving for the first time, drinking your first White Russian, and having that awkward condom buying experience in a crappy drug store you've never actually been in where you just went because you didn't think you'd see anyone you knew, you spend 5 minutes trying to figure out what the hell the difference is between them all, and the cashier guy rings you up and says something sounding like"have fun." You're just putting off the inevitable, Young Dave.

Oh man, Bianca is still doing errands for gang banger man! SHE STILL LOVES JACOBY!!!!!!!!!

Dave awkwardly throws the condoms onto the table in front of Alli. She snubs him, tells him she is going to a Science thing all summer, AND BREAKS HIS HEART. Run, Dave! You run and never look back!

Alli can count cards and starts beating people at poker. She is Rain Man. Woof. And how in the hell did they get the rights to "Poker Face" to play for her montage? The producers must have drugged Lady Gaga and asked her under their breath.

The episode is leveling out. All I've learned is that Alli is the only person in the last 5 years to use a message board.

DAY 2

Alli is pretending to be sick so she can go bet her life savings on poker. I can't wait to see how this explodes in her face. She pretends to be sick and her acting is eerily similar to Derek Zoolander's when he says "I think I've got the black lung, Pop," after spending a day in a coal mine. Maybe this week, we will finally settle on who is the worst human being ever, Ali or KC

"You're uncle's car doesn't suit you"-Aslan girl

"What suits me?"-Wes

"Something…….FASTER!"-Aslan girl

Everything Aslan girl says is a double entendre dig at Wes's virility.

Ali shows up at the poker match with a montage just like Alan in The Hangover. Or the Across the Universe guy in 21. Ya know. Pop song you've never heard before that just screams "Gambling! Yeehaw!"

"WHERE YOU BEEN!?!?!?! SCHOOOOOL!!!!????"-Gang banger

"STOP MAKING FUN OF MEEEEEE!"-Bianca

Good grief. This is like the beginning of a 90's Scruff McGruff ad. Aaaaaand it is followed up by a healthy dose of domestic violence.

"Hey Alli, did you like the soup I gave you?"-Dave

"…….yes……."-Alli

"What'd you like about it?"-Dave

"…..the chicken……."-Alli

"WRONGWRONGWRONG! YOU LIAR! IT WAS PASTA FAZOOL WITH A DASH OF TERRIYAKI, MUSHROOMS, BLUE CORN FAJITA CHIP SHREDS, WITH HUMMUS CRACKERS ON THE SIDE!!!! WHERE WERE YOU!!!!!!"

Nothing gets past Sherlock Dave!

Look at poor Wes, having to decide between stealing his uncle's car and getting 2-second kisses from his red headed Aphrodite. A real life Sophie's Choice.

Alli sits down with Jenna at lunch. Principal Simpson comes up and says "Oh hey Alli! I just pulled this scholarship money out of my ass for you! Here ya go!" Alli responds "Oh man! I have SOOOoOOOO much money it isn't even FAIR!" She has had way too many lines like this. The general rule for tv characters who come into money is that with every cocky line they have, the brutality of the way they will lose the money goes up another step. Right now, Alli is at a "Being kidnapped and robbed blind by Canadian pirates" level.

Wes got pulled over. He has no license. Everyone yells at him. Even the scary female cop. He walks away like this.

Gangbanger guy has a dew rag on now, that means its business time. And Bianca can't resist him! They share their first on screen kiss right after their first on screen slap! Awwwwww! It reminds me of my first kiss....which is oddly enough captured on Youtube for your viewing pleasure! (skip to 3:40).

Alli loses all of her money at poker and tries to bet her scholarship money. Ah its about time.

All things are made right between Bianca and Imogen by a gift that the Romans called "The Great Equalizer": Red Lingerie. It could right any wrong. 100 stolen dollars, murder, you name it!

Alli wins back her money in the poker game. Theeeeeen spells out exactly how she counted the cards to win it all. Its like when Goldfinger monologues his entire plan for world domination to James Bond, who inevitably escapes, and we all know how that ended.....

Wes wins the science competition, wins his Amazon woman's heart, and gets the ultimate prize of having her ride the bus home with him. True love. Ah. Reminds me of my first kiss, which is documented on youtube oddly enough…..(skip to :08)

Dave breaks up with Alli.

THE. END.

The Philosophical Teachings of The Office and Other Sitcoms

By Spence Blazak

Sitcoms get a bad rap. When the word comes up, the first thing that comes to mind is the laugh track, Jennifer Anniston's haircut on Friends, or the 11 year old comedy stylings of Scrubs. Yet I am here to show you the way of the Lord. Sitcoms have entered a Golden Age. With the death of canned laughter, we have been blessed with the hallowed inner circle of sitcom nirvana: U.K. and U.S. versions of The Office, 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Extras, Flight of the Conchords, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia. For years, I've been the kind of guy who says, "Yeah. I like TV, but I don't watch it that much," just after he had watched the complete 2nd Season of the British version of The Office. Now, I have nothing to hide. Not only are these shows great, but they are educational! I've learned more from the pantheon of excellent sitcoms than I did from my anger management class in 8th grade!

Arrested Development

-My personal favorite show. It is the tale of Michael Bluth, the new CEO of his family's company. The Bluth Corporation was under the guidance of his father for years. He laundered money and invested company money with Saddam Hussein among other things. Now the company is going under, his father is in jail, and Michael is trying to bring the company back to its prime. Also, he and his extensive family all live in one of the company's model homes until they start to make real money again. I've never seen a funnier show. The existence of the show itself is what taught me the first lesson. It ran for a mere 3 seasons because no one watched it. The plus side of this is that it never ran stale. No episodes are bad, and it was one of the few good series finales in television history. The lesson: the show is the greatest judge of someone's sense of humor that there is. The problem with The Office is that everyone likes it. I'm not just being a hipster d-bag here. If you watch Arrested Development it means that you made a conscious effort to seek it out. It is relatively easy to access, but not to the extent of The Office. I have never met a fan of Arrested Development that I didn't love. A Development fan is never without a friend in the company of someone else who likes the show.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

-Larry David stars as Larry David. LD is the co-creator of Seinfeld, and it follows his adventures as a man with more money than God looking for things to do. He is cheap, grouchy, misanthropic, sees the worst in most people, and fears awkwardness like a sailor fears a Kraken. For anyone who knows me, it is a common fact that there are two or three different Spences, and the character I have just described is one of them. It takes a slightly different view on the "people suck" theme that is prominent in The Office, and it is the only other "real" world show that is on the list. While Jim Halpert passively laughs at all of the office's absurdities and often interjects cynical remarks to say sane, Larry attacks the insanity with full force while wielding a mallet of justice. The world is out to get him…..unless he gets it first. The show's lesson is that you don't always have to be a Jim….sometimes, when the world is being a particularly big dick to you, act like a Larry.

Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia

-The tale of a few friends who own the worst bar in Philadelphia. The lesson it taught me is one of hope for the future: political incorrectness is still as strong as ever. The world these days is a sad place. Everything is prim, proper, and absurdity is becoming a thing of the past. Sunny shows me other wise. For instance, the Halloween episode was spent trying to figure out who got Dee pregnant….and two of the suspects were her father and twin brother. It is so unbelievably offensive and vile, that it makes lesser off color shows like South Park look like Phineas and Ferb. It is very reassuring to know there is somebody out there keeping filthiness alive.

30 Rock

-Centers around the writers and producers of a Mad TV type show and their surrealistic misadventures. Its lesson is that its cool to reference things that no one might understand. The main point of contention on this blog is that we reference too many things that aren't exactly "relevant". 30 Rock showed me that if I stopped making absurd references, it would be crazier than Captain von Rauffenstein's monocle in the French film La Grande Illusion! Am I right?!?!

Flight of the Conchords

-Two satirical folk singers from New Zealand live a miserable existence in NYC. At its core, it is truly the most depressing show ever shot, and yet, it gives hope for anybody in the lower middle class. In one episode, Jemaine buys a cup that puts the duo into bankruptcy, forcing them to become male prostitutes. It's so sad, that it is hilarious. It shows that no matter how poor and miserable you are, there is always something hilarious going on. More importantly, it shows how misfortune might be one of the funniest things of all.

Extras

-Andy Millman is a struggling actor who is paying his dues as a film extra, and in each episode, he meets a celebrity or two.

I think the lesson here is that celebrities deserve to be put in their place. Andy meets David Bowie and Samuel L. Jackson, without being even the slightest bit phased. He lets people have whats coming to them. I took this to heart when I met Chris Rock. He signed my Playbill, and I said "I loved you in Rush Hour 3!" Game, Set, Spence.

The Office

-One of the most important life lessons in the whole world, and you have to look no further than TBS at 11:30 PM to find it. The lesson is simple: there is no way to survive in the world unless you can be on the side of the camera crew. I'll explain. For the two people reading this who have never seen the show, it is set in an office at a paper company in Pennsylvania, and it is made like a documentary. Almost everyone is crazy, except for the main character Jim and his lady friend Pam. Whenever something particularly off color happens, one or the both of them will stare directly into the camera, breaking the fourth wall. Our world is the same as theirs. There are very few Jims, and we all must stick together. The problem is that Jims are scattered throughout the world, so it is possible you could never meet one. This is why you need the camera crew. You need to know that someone else recognizes the complete absurdity in the Dwights and the Angelas of the world even though they may not show it. "The camera crew" is the ability to separate yourself from all situations and look at everything as inspiration for your future novel.

Degrassi Week 5, Part 1

We will not stop using pictures of this dude until he appears in every episode or is made principal of Degrassi High.

By Brian Long

We’re back for another week of Degrassi! Two big things happened this week for Holly J and everyone’s favorite Red Sox player look alike, Drew. Let’s check out the breakdown.

Drew is still losing his mind over his fear of “gang retribution.” He’s totally fine though. He just takes out his anger by drawing guns in his notebook and yelling. You know, guy stuff. When the gym teacher reminds the Degrassi fight club that the gym is for EVERYONE Drew has a hissy fit that he can’t punch his friends into oblivion.

Adam decides to confront his brother about his major malfunction and Drew’s explanation is pretty simple: it’s fun! And HE CAN TOTALLY KILL THOSE GANG GUYS! Then he challenges Adam to a fight, which is a great idea since he’s biologically a girl. Drew decides the healthiest way to take out his rage is by challenging the hugest dude on the wrestling team to a fight. Seriously, this dude is huge, like Butterbean huge. Butterbean asks if he is into wrestling and Drew is like: “Nah I’m more of an MMA guy. I’ve been into it for like two weeks now…so…”

She-J. Jonah Jameson spots this, of course, and decides to investigate Drew in the only way she knows how: SEDUCTION. She’s like Lois Lane. Anything for a story It doesn’t matter how many uranium powered robots she’s gotta get past, she’s getting that by line!

Wait. Wasn’t Adam trying to get with this girl last week? So, why isn’t he really mad when his brother admits to him that he’s trying to mack it with She-JJJ? We’re just dropping that plot line? We’re gonna forget it? Alright Degrassi writers, the puck’s in your rink. She-JJJ tries to get Drew’s illiterate ass to write for the school paper but he can’t, he just wants to fight! He decides to go to an underground fight, because if X-Men 1 taught me anything it’s that Canada is full of cage fights, and proceeds to beat a man half to death. Thankfully She-JJJ is there to calm his Hulk rage with love. He decides to learn karate with her. Great idea. Fighting with the dude with rage problems.

Holly J’s kidneys are still dying as we are informed by an amazing expositionversation she has by Fiona. This is more or less exactly how it goes down:

“Ugh, I’ll never get to prom if my kidneys don’t get better.”

“It’s too bad your biological mom doesn’t want to give you her kidneys.”

“I know I was totally adopted.”

“Totally.”

Thankfully Fiona’s family just has money on demand whenever it is needed for scooters or organs. Unfortunately, Fiona’s mom can’t get the check written because it’s illegal. Which leaves me wondering would Fiona’s mom tell someone the check was for a kidney? Is that a box you check off in Canada on a form that says “under the counter organ exchange”? I thought Canadian health care was superior.

Holly J decides to confront her biological mom at the Dot (of course) and the kids are there. Are we really having the kidney conversation in front of her kids? Well, I’m sure she won’t say anything horri- oh Christ, she just called her kids mini-monsters. THEY’RE SITTING RIGHT THERE! These kids must be deaf.

So, Holly J returns home, defeated and kidney-less and to make things worse her prom dress makes her look like an amputee mermaid. Thankfully, help arrives in the form of a Deus Ex Dressina when Fiona decides to buy Holly J’s biological mom’s “vintage derp derp” prom dress for 20,000 dollars. Proving once again that all problems can be solved with money. Sweet, sweet money.

Degrassi Week 5, Part 2: Culture Strikes Degrassi Town!

By Spence Blazak

DAY 1

We start off with Eli and Bullfrog chilling in the hearse talking about……I'll be honest. I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and got these cool little mixes of cherry koolaid that I put in a glass of water AND IT TURNS INTO KOOLAID!!!!! OH YEAHHHHH! So I was too busy doing that and I don't care enough to Tivo to the beginning……..CUE THEME SONG!!!!

Jenna and KC's relationship with their baby changed from kind of strained in the last episode to putting up the baby for adoption, not living together any more, and KC being sadder than wet cat. That went from a 3 to a 10 very quickly. Imagine me saying this next line in my Rodney Dangerfield voice, "The baby is named Tyson, and with the amount of abuse that kid has taken, THEY SHOULD BE CALLING HIM IRON MIKE! AM I RIGHT?! Good night everybody!"

Eli rewrote half of his play so that he can work Jake into the ending. Everything Eli writes about becomes a reality. Stupid Eli, why doesn't he make the last line "and then Eli went home and found a big box of gold and he bought a dinosaur with it! END!" He is squandering his talents.

This just in: ANYA IS A HOT, COKED UP MESS. Degrass has taught me a lot of things, including the newest lesson: all the best coke dealers are named Annette and deal out of Hondas in front of high schools.

I'm suspecting a subplot that has been hiding under our noses….Jake's awful hairdo gets worse and worse with each episode BECAUSE IT IS TAKING OVER HIS BODY! Today, Jake. Tomorrow, the Canadian province of Regina!!!!!Gold

The number one dead give away that the season will end with Eli killing someone is that he carries his backpack over one shoulder. Don't ask me why, but it just sends up warning signals.

Eli and Frumpy's interview:

Frumpy: "So tell me about working so closely with your leading lady Imogen"

Eli: *click here*

"Lay off the blow, who says you can't?" Is that Bianca or Dr. Drew Pinsky?!?!?! AM I RIGHT?!?! No really, is that Bianca? Haven't seen her since she boffed that gang leader in exchange for Jacoby's life!

Eli dances the hibbity dibbity with Imogen into the credits. Can't wait for day 2.

DAY 2

Starts off with a classic Degrassi ploy….Imogen mentions her and Eli's night last night when they "made out for like an hour". Good grief. First of all, this is unrealistic. I've "made out for like an hour" once in my life. It was 3 in the morning and I was on a hard wood floor watching Easy A. The stars need to align for it to happen, and Eli's clearly did not. The writers screwed the pooch on that one.

Anya joins the Army. This is turning into the plot of the Bill Murray movie Stripes. I'm hoping Mo plays Ox, the John Candy part.

Eli is going to plant drugs in Jake's locker. He entrusts Imogen to do it, who plants them in *gasp* Claire's locker out of vengence!!!!!! AHHHHHHH! SCANDALLLLLLLLLL!…….this is just stupid.

KC finally chooses between a life as Mister Mom and a life as Like Mike.

Anya fails the drug test for the Army. I guess she was so high that she forgot she was high, DOOOOOOOD! Her mom then discovers the necklace that she keeps the coke in and the resulting scene is a lot like this. (specifically 2:02)

Eli has lost his mind in the middle of the play. Art becomes life becomes art becomes life becomes art!!!!!!!! AH!!!!! An existential crisis finally strikes Degrassi like the plague! He goes off on a stupid monologue that breaks the 4th wall, then burns the script……..everyone loves it! I can't believe how silly this is. I also enjoyed the cutaway to Simpson when Eli took out the lighter. He looked like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of its mouth.

Post-game coverage: Bullfrog says he enjoyed the "yucks" in the play. Then Eli says he will start taking his meds. What an eventful night!

How Annie Hall Has Irrevocably Plotted the Framework of My Life in 750 Words

By Mariah Gower

So there I was: fifteen-years-old, awkward and uncertain, daughter of two painfully stereotypical New Yorker-type, baby boomer college professors. A young girl less self-aware than a lab rat in a biotech company lab (don’t you know you’re running in circles, buddy?) I was certainly in need of some life perspective, and so that fateful night when I stumbled upon Woody Allen’s Annie Hall in my local library’s two-shelf “movie section,” I realized a life path discovered by millions of my fellow, young and impressionable and awkward youths. From 1977 to 2007 and beyond, the language of pun-riddled neurosis is, at its core, universal.

Scintillating Pseudo-psychology, a ton of great sex, and lots of time to go to the movies (not to mention the incalculable amount of wild 70s cocktail parties and weekend trips to the Hamptons)—such are the pastimes of our beloved Alvy Singer, Paul Simon (whatever his name is), and of course, Annie Hall. As a kid brought up on the virtues of Liberal Arts and “exploring” all options, such a life seems like the only conducive atmosphere for myself and the like-minded around me—honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever 100% committed to any one life path or career goal. I’m a meanderer, to say the least. The only constant in my life has been seeking out great conversation with fascinating people—and hopefully blowing off all the other pretentious assholes that inevitably come with that soiree scene. We’ve all been in a movie line, wanting to strangle the guy behind us as he waxes poetic on the sociocultural implication of Transformers.

A defining element of Annie Hall is the actual illustration of the interplay between Men and Women—as revealed through the saga of Alvy and Annie—that is so perfectly replicated in the chronicling of the Woody Allen and Diane Keaton characters’ relationship. One of the quintessential scenes of the film is right in the beginning of the affair, on the balcony in Annie’s apartment, as both characters struggle with that clumsy, getting-to-know-you-and-I’m-also-insanely-attracted-to-you small talk, drink in shaky hand, and mouth trying to find the most impressive words in one’s vocabulary. As the irrelevant conversation unfolds, the screen pans out to subtitles of Alvy and Annie’s inner commentaries, with worried lines like “I dabble? Listen to me what a jerk.” “I wonder what she looks like naked?” “I’m not smart enough for him. Hang in there.” “Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax.” The interaction rings so true to all important relationships. Everyone knows those anxious and excited feelings, and Allen captures those emotions perfectly.

Even bigger than Alvy and Annie’s actual relationship, there is that idea of the certain person of “Annie Hall” in my mind, as the model for the kind of woman and life I wish for myself as I ascend into adulthood. A glance at a scene in Annie’s apartment—a studio filled to the brim with hundreds of books (the good and the gawdy side by side), killer music, knick-knacks, and self-sustaining indoor plants that abound from every shelf and windowpane, and you see the ideal of the place I’d like to call my own home someday instantly reflected. It’s that kind of clutter that will inevitably be an intrinsic staple in my life.

If anything, Annie Hall presents that philandering lifestyle that has always been my inclination. Woody Allen merely verbalizes that that kind of goal to have for yourself isn’t necessarily unnecessary in the world. You know, being a little too self-aware is just fine and dandy when it doesn’t go hand-in-hand with judgmentalness, snobbery, or close-mindedness. If anything, it makes you your quirky you. So, go ahead—get a B.A. in Medieval Russian literature and then move to New York to sing in a jazz bar, or run away to L.A. for a few months. Take some college classes for fun, have frivolous sex as much as possible, watch movies, read books—no matter the artistic quality. Everything you do just makes you that more magnetic. If anything, you’ll be that person people love talking to at the cocktail party, and isn’t that human connection what anyone really wants? Thanks, Annie Hall, Woody Allen, the screwed up 1970s and lost generation baby-boomers, for crystallizing that transcendental desire we all have—giving the Green Light “OK” for myself, and so many other awkward fifteen-year-olds out there looking for, whatever it is all about.

Trailer Park: Abduction and Footloose: THE REMAKE!

Today's Trailer Park focuses on two movies. One that doesn't hide the fact that it's a remake, the other is pretty much a remake of two different movies. Also, I realize just how weird Taylor Lautner's voice is.

Abduction (watch the trailer here)

Poor Talyor Lautner, it must be so hard being in high school and being well-off and good looking. These are problems I can relate to and empathize with! So, he's hanging out and eating dinner with his parents including his dad, Lucius Malfoy. Then two spies show up at the door with pretty scary voices and they murder them. It’s a good thing though that he found out that they weren’t his real parents and that he’s a missing child. Although according to that photoshopped picture on that missing child website (because what high school girl ISN’T looking at missing child websites for fun?) his eyes should be way more googly. Anyway, it turns out that Taylor Lautner is some kind of Jason Bourne/Spy Kids mix and Doctor Octopus is trying to kill him. But at this point, anything is better than Twilight.

Footloose Remake (watch the trailer here)

Woo-hoo! Dancing! Everybody’s having fun! And-whoa. Car accident. Okay. This got dark. Well, I’m sure the local municipal government will have a reasonable reaction to this. So they decide to…ban dancing? Really? So, the screenwriters of this remake thought this would be a good way to explain the dancing ban? They don’t think they would have passed stronger curfew laws? Crack down on underage drinking? Hire more cops? Develop better after school programs? Educate students on the dangers of drunk driving? Close down these abandoned and presumably dangerous lots where kids are dancing? No? We’re gonna ban dancing? Makes as much sense as, well, as remaking Footloose.

Jani Lane:1964-2011. A Reflection on the Man behind "Cherry Pie"

By Peter Long

If you’ve ever been to a decent karaoke bar, odds are this is in the songbook. Its catchy, easy to sing and there are so many vagina references that it could make a gynecologist cry.

“Cherry Pie” was written by Jani Lane, the now deceased former lead-singer of the band Warrant. He re-accounts the night he wrote “Cherry Pie” in this clip.

When I first saw this on VH1 I thought it was hysterical. Lane made millions upon millions of dollars because he wrote song about a vagina, and now he is overweight, balding and drunk on VH1, in that order. His life seemed like a joke. He was born John Kennedy Oswald (his mother, according to the bio he wrote himself on his website, was a “big” JFK fan and it just so happened that his father’s last name was Oswald which led him to shut down rumors that he has no connection to Lee Harvey for, evidently, the “millionth time”) and he played in a goofy band with goofy videos, with goofy wardrobe and with goofy songs. But what was once funny is now very sad.

As I look back on his death, I’ve come to the conclusion that Warrant took too much of a shellacking for being posers when there were copy-cats doing the same exact thing (in fact I can name two others both with W’s, White Snake and Winger). Looking back, Warrant was just another instrument used by big labels to make an easy buck during a time when it was guaranteed that a band could sell a million records if they wore leather pants and your lead singer looked kinda-sorta look like Bret Michaels.

Their first album, appropriately titled Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinkin’ Rich, featured the singles “Down Boys” and “Heaven” and the album went on to sell over 5 million copies. The former singles were of course accompanied by videos using the same formula that other 80’s metal bands used which included lame choreography, cheesy soundstage footage and expressions from the guys in the band that read “I’m awesome! Look at my guitar! I’m going home alone tonight!”

Cherry Pie went on to sell even more than Dirty Rotten because of the album’s title track. It was at this point in Lane’s career where things started to get shaky. He started to make an obscene amount of money off a song that The Man told him to write (see clip in second paragraph) and hence he went into a downward spiral of drug-use and alcoholism.

As the birth of grunge and the Seattle-sound dawned in the early 90’s, bands, including Warrant, were starting to become irrelevant and music fans could now see that the music that they had been listening to this whole time was over-processed and fake. Once Lane and Warrant had softened their sound, their initial audience turned their back on them, and they were left out in the cold to fend for themselves.

Lane continued to tour and record songs until his death a few days ago. In reality, he was just trying to be a normal guy who wrote normal songs because that’s what he loved to do. He wanted to be successful but he didn’t want all of the baggage to come with it. Did it help that he had to exploit himself even further as a contestant on season two of Celebrity Fit Club? Of course not. But the guy had way too many demons in the first place that he just couldn’t out-run. As long as there are decent karaoke bars around the world, Jani Lane’s magnum opus will play on and probably be destroyed by your violently drunk co-worker, and we should always appreciate life for what it is because, to quote the man himself, heaven isn’t too far away.

Weezer and the Murderous Art of Selling Out

By Spence Blazak

The other day, I saw Weezer/Flaming Lips in concert, which led to one of the most interesting double edged sword moments I've experienced in awhile, but I'll get to that in a little while. This is the second time I've seen Weezer, and as with the first, it is a conflicting experience for me. The Blue Album and Pinkerton are two of my favorite albums of all time, but then..........the sell out. One of my favorite phrases. I've long thought about doing an article on this, but I could never decide on one of the many angles to do it from. Green Day? Sugar Ray? Every 90s band? Then this concert reminded me of the grand daddy of them all: Weezer.

I'll start from the beginning. Weezer was founded by a barrel chested young go-getter named Rivers Cuomo. He looks like a sickly version of me. He has horn rimmed glasses, a signature guitar strap with a lightning bolt running its course, and a grasp on love, practical intelligence, and nerd culture that makes him not only one of my favorite song writers, but he joins a very select list of mine called "People Who Went to Harvard That I Don't Despise." It sounds corny, because it is, but I always felt like this guy was an alternate reality Spence who became a rock star. I wouldn't want to be Bob Dylan, Mick Jagger, or even Jeff Tweedy (the frontman of my favorite non-Taylor Swift musical group, Wilco), I would want to be Rivers Cuomo.

The band's first album was the masterpiece The Blue Album. Every. Track. Is. A. Hit. Not one bad song. Hell, not one song short of awesome. It opens with "My Name Is Jonas", a great lead off that is about how much "the man" sucks. We then go to a love song with a twist ("No One Else") and the ensuing break up ("The World Has Turned And Left Me Here"). The first is from the perspective of a man who is obsessed with his main squeeze. He is bat shit insane, and yet filled with a hauntingly powerful love. He sings "I want a girl who will laugh for no one else/While I'm away she puts he make up on the shelf." In the latter song, Cuomo constructs one of the few breakup songs that won't make you throw up and does wonders for any break up wound.

In "Spence's Flow Chart of Song Subjects" you will find the following information: 45% of songs are about love, 30% are about breakups, 14% are either political, about an event, or a feeling, 10% are about a sexual trick of one kind or another (like this), and that final 1% is Radiohead type stuff. When a song stands out in one of the overused molds, it is always worth noting.

"Only in Dreams" is a much better version of "She's Not There" by The Zombies, which is about being a hopeless romantic. "Holiday" is a fresh take on an old go to for love songs, the idea of running away with nothing but your lover. "Say It Ain't So" is about suspecting a cheating partner. If you'll notice the pattern here, all of these ideas are very familiar, yet Cuomo breathes life into these cliched subjects, making them his own and making them anthems.

I spent my time listening just to this album for the first few months I had discovered it before I branched out. Weezer's second album Pinkerton is a concept album that follows the plot of the opera Madame Butterfly and was initially panned by critics. It was received so poorly that the band took a long hiatus before returning to music. The problem is that Pinkerton is a masterpiece, and it didn't get its due until years after its release.

Its darker and a far cry from the punky style of its predecessor. It follows the brilliant style of the first album in turning hackneyed song subjects on their side and making something fresh. "Why Bother" asks why one should get into a relationship when they always end in hurt in the first place. You get the idea. Trust me, every song is awesome, but one stands above the rest: the triumphant "Across the Sea". One of my all time favorite songs. While Cuomo was at Harvard, he got a letter from a girl in Japan who had heard him on the radio. He says that he fell in love with her immediately and that he wanted to know everything about her. Then he realized that he never would, and that there was a good chance she was a 14-year old. It broke his heart, and he wrote an opus about it. "Why are you so far away from me?/ I need help, and your way across the sea."

Then came the hiatus. They released an inconsequential experimental album after a few years, but it was white noise. Then they released The Green Album which was a mediocre showing from the once great band. They weren't being themselves, they were turning into what they thought critics wanted. So they played it safe, and made a blah album. "Hash Pipe" is pretty good, "Island in the Sun" isn't bad, but thats about all the album is good for.

I need to take a minute before discussing the painful, next chapter......"Beverly Hills". They put out an album called Make Believe. A surprisingly decent showing, much better than The Green Album and a step in the very right direction. "My Best Friend", "Freak Me Out", and 'Perfect Situation" are all very promising cuts, but all the work is undone by, you guessed it, "Beverly Hills". It became a number one hit and haunted the charts for over a summer. Kids Bop covered it. A staple for 11 year olds. Sickeningly awful. They did a song that they weren't proud of for money, and it cemented them into a new image up until present day.

They followed up with a slew of hellish albums, The Red Album which had the awful semi hit "Pork and Beans", and Raditude the worst of them all which has two songs that will from no one be Weezer's legacy: "I Can't Stop Partying" and "If You're Wondering If I Want You To (I Want You To)". The latest album Hurley is so lame it couldn't even get a semi-hit. Trash. Complete trash. Their initial sell out was so horrid that they can't even do it right nowadays. I can't even see their incentive any more. Its like they are that really smart kid in high school who dumbs himself down to hang out with the cool kids...but they never really accept him as one of their own.

Selling out. A crime against humanity. This brings us back to the present. Weezer plays all the songs I want to hear, except "Across the Sea". Naturally. Then Cuomo goes into "If You're Wondering If I Want You To". The bastard. He runs into the crowd. No one is really flocking toward him, so me and my friend Dave run over to see how close we can get. We are 10 feet away from him. I yell "THE BLUE ALBUM ROCKED! COME OVER HERE!" He walked toward us and gave us both high fives. We patted him on the back as he walked away. I touched the hand that wrote some of music's greatest awesomeness of the last 20 years, and also the one that drove an ice pick into my back with Raditude. Farewell Weezer, maybe you will come back some day. Some day.